A Little Update . . .

[Dan]

Hi Everyone,

Sheez - I am sorry for causing a stir.

I was having a bad night last week and it got the best of me and it led to my small post. I really didn't mean for it to become a topic for dissension.

While true that Olya and I are facing some challenges - we are on the right track and things look OK now. We have never been more certain of our love for one another - and our desire to raise our daughter together.

This past year has been particularly tough on me (and us) and I'll offer a few words of what I've learned - FWIW:

* I continue to see little difference between RW and AW. Yes, there are language and geographic barriers - but in the final analysis, there are very few significant differences.

* Weekly travel that takes a person away from his home is highly-toxic to a strong relationship.

* Lawyers are really fun to poke fun at - until you REALLY need one and then it is next to impossible to find one that is honest and works hard and is also competent. Frustrating.

* Home ownership represents stability. It also represents expense and responsibility and burden. It isn't a panacea.

* Having a baby is a huge blessing from God. It also represents expense and responsibility and burden. Still, I cannot wait for the arrival of our Katya in September.

* Betrayal of friendship is the stuff of legend. It is always excruciatingly painful when it happens to you.

* God is great and all things are possible through Him. I know this is true - I couldn't make it without Him.

* M. Scott Peck led his book 'The Road Less Traveled' with this opening: "Life is Difficult." I think Scott Peck is guilty of gross understatement.

BTW - wsbill was exactly correct. He said that Olya really "lights me up" and he could not have been more correct. It was the perfect allegory. I love her immensely - and hope (and believe) she loves me the same.

For all the rest of you that called and wrote and posted - my heartfelt THANK YOU!!

We are OK - and with God's help, we will be just fine.

Thanks for all the concern.

- Dan

[Charles]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

Dan, I haven't been around too much lately but just read both of your posts.  Like all of the other posters, I wish and pray that everything will work out for you and, of course, if I or my wife can be of any assistance, please don't hesitate to contact us.  

Guys, marriage is difficult.  In D.C. I have had the pleasure of meeting many RW/AM couples.  Some have wonderful marriages, others have failed, and every one of them, including my own, has had its rough spots.  IMHO, a few things that should be considered about these marriages that, in my view, help you over the rough spots and increase the chances of success.  Caveat:  these are only generalizations based on my observations of about a dozen or so marriages, most of which are over two years old:

1.   Meet the woman in her country as well as meeting her family.  Don't meet her in the Caribbean and run off and get married based on an exciting week of fun in the sun.  You can have the vacation trip after you meet her in her country.  If she doesn't want you to come to her city or town and meet her family, that should tell you something.  And if you would rather start things off with a beach trip then you should carefully examine why you are embarking on this quest.  While there are surprisingly more similarities than differences, she comes from a different culture, and if you're going to have a successful marriage you need to understand that culture.  It's harder to do that in the Carribean when both of you are out of your element.

2.   If she has children, try to get a handle on what they want before they come.  If her child doesn't want to come to America, you're in for a problem when she arrives.  The "adjustment" for children is usually more difficult than for the wife, and the older the child, the greater the problem.  I recommend speaking with older children privately and ascertaining their thoughts.  Ask direct questions and try to elicit an honest response.  If you already have children, that's usually a big plus in helping her children adjust.  If you have children together, that's even a bigger plus.

3.   Find out her attitudes about working.  In many instances, the RW is initially quite happy staying at home, learning the language, learning to drive a car, going to the mall, etc.  However, these women are in most instances self-supportive, well educated, and career oriented.  The AM must respect these wishes.  If you don't want a working woman, then a RW may not be for you.  And don't be surprised after a time that they may make more money than you.  Can your ego accept that?  Generally, I have observed that women who were successful in the FSU tend to become successful here, and those marriages have a better chance where the husband is supportive.  

4.    You can never let them even think for one moment that you will abandon them, even when things are not going well.  In almost all instances, the last thing they want to do is return, even if they do not like it here.  In fact, many RW around here complain about life in America, but, when given the choice, they don't want to go back.  When an RW is abandoned or divorced by an AM, it is a traumatic experience.  Most of these women have friends who have had this unfortunate experience.  It is cruel to even suggest such a thing.  And if you do get divorced, don't think she will just return to Russia and fade out of your life.  As I said, there are enough of these women here to refer your unhappy wife to a lawyer who will be happy to take everything from you that the law allows.  If you've ever been through a divorce, there is one rule that applies in all states:  THE MAN LOSES.  Forget the INS thing that has been discussed in some old posts.  Once she has the conditional green card, she's staying and you're paying - it's as simple as that.

5.    Frequent travel, even if only for a weekend, works wonders for a marriage.  There are zillions of places in America that she will enjoy seeing.

6.    Try to learn to speak Russian, even if, like me, you have zero knack for languages.  Your wife, even if she has "excellent English", will in most instances have difficulty speaking English every day.  If you try to learn Russian, it will at least help you understand the difficulties she is having speaking English on a regular basis.

7.    Communication and open discussion about problems is critical at every stage of the relationship.  When the communication breaks down, problems are more likely to occur.  Both parties must be open and honest about their feelings.

[Yeahbaby]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

Sounds like things are headed in the best of directions..
Rock on! ;-)

Regards,
Oscar

[amerikanka99]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

Dan,

Life with a pregnant woman can be rough. Just ask my husband!  Lucky for him, he only has one more week to endure.  But its hard on both of us.  I can't even believe the things that can make me cry now.  Usually I am very strong.  I am sure Olya is experiencing many of the same things as the hormones of pregnancy take over.

I really hope things work out for the two of you.  Relationships are hard work.  If we can offer you any support, we are happy to.  

It bothers me that people on this board would jump on your back now for things like not posting your situation.  Your life is your life--no one here has the 'right' to know what is going on, unless you feel like you want to share or come here for advice and support.

Wishing you all the best!

[vagn]

... in response to Re: A Little Update . . ., posted by amerikanka99 on Jul 2, 2003

=== It bothers me that people on this board would ...  ...

Perfectly polite conversation between perfectly reasonable
people is more than you can expect on the net.  There's
always *somebody* with problems or an agenda lurking
around.  It shouldn't bother you.  Rather, be amazed that
most of the people behave themselves most of the time.

wise monkeys: see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

[RickM]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

Hey Dan!
Glad to hear all is on back on track for you and Olya...
Life,relationships and just about everything evolves...
If it stood the same and stagnent it'd probably get quite boring quite quickly...
I think one of the great secrets to life is developing the ability to change along with the flow of life and all it tosses at us...

One thing for certain,a new baby will change both your lives forever.It's a bond unlike anything else in life...
I don't know about you but I know sometimes I can get so caught up in one situation I tend to forget all the "other" geat things going on around me and I end up forfeiting my ability to have choices over everything else going on around me.I like to call it my humanistic "tunnel-vision"...

My life history shows clearly I have been a very lucky man and despite the fact some things wore me down a little and took work to accomplish,thusfar,I've always had the ability to come back and correct bad choices I've made or finally clear the cobwebs and realize things I was not seeing clearly certain times of my life...

We all need to recognize our accomplishments as well as difficulties in our lives.It keeps things "balanced"...
What's the saying?Yesterday is a cancelled check,Tomorrow is a promisory note but "today" can be whatever you decide to fill in the blanks with...

[Scaught]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

okdrb

[Jeff S]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

Women are women, no matter where they're from.

This post writted to Bruce on the Latin board, expresses my same thoughts to you: http://www.planet-love.com/wwwboard/latin/messages/43944.html

- Jeff

[Dan]

... in response to You're right Dan . . ., posted by Jeff S on Jul 1, 2003

n/t

[tim360z]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

I wish you the best of everything in this Dan,  hopefully its just a bump in the road.  Today, relationships with enduring qualities can be few and far between.  Doesn't matter if she's an AW or RW.  Women?  They are very very complicated.  Its just that simple.  And they are more complicated now than they have ever been.  Too much to get into now.  Just,  give it a little time.

[RW]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

glad to hear you are working things out. If your wife needs somebody to talk to and discuss any pregnancy/baby related topics or has any questions, please tell her to feel free to e-mail me.

Elena

[Travis]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

That's good to hear!!!! Best of luck to you and your wife! Your all in my prayers.

Everyone of your bullets, I 100% agree with.

[LP]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

...I knew you were over reacting, you're a passionate guy and that sometimes has a downside. Glad to hear it's better now, I was afraid I might have to come over there and slap you. ;-)

Btw, DOJ says he's as clean as your God's driven snow...

[thesearch]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

Thank goodness, you must have been posting this when I posted a note to you under wsbill.

I was bummed glad I did not have to go home with that.

Take care.

Greg

[Cold Warrior]

... in response to A Little Update . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 30, 2003

You scared us a bit there but I am glad to hear to hear that you're OK. You're right - with God all things are possible.