Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciated

[Howard]

Guys/Gals

I'm having a crisis of conscience.  What's new, right?  LOL

My Birthday was two weeks ago friday.  This past Saturday I received a card from my inlaws.  Yes they're still my inlaws because my Anuulment was moved to April 17th--for those keeping track--because of a death in my lawyer's family that required him to leave town suddenly, forcing him to reschedule my hearing...

Anyway, in the card--which was touchingly sentimental as always--my mother-in-law asks the me to "PLEASE write and tell us how you and Ayesa are doing..."

I have not talked to my mother-in-law since December.  I'm pretty sure that Ayesa has not either.

Here's my dilema.  It's been easier than I thought to ignore my inlaws.  At one point, out of anger and hurt, I wanted to fire off a letter that I thought, hoped, would make them feel awful about thier part, deliberate or innocent, in this whole mess, but you guys, wisely and correctly, talked me out of it.  Now things are different.  I could be much less emotional now.  I could write something brief--I know, hard to believe ;c)--and to the point...  The only thing that's stopping me is the promise I made to Ayesa to not correspond with her parents.  Should I honor it?  Or should I treat it like the promise she made to "Love, Honor, Cherish... until DEATH..."?

Ayesa, I feel, has been honest with me.  I don't have any anymousity(sp?) toward her.  I just feel that her parents, for whatever reason, put their trust in me and that I should at least tell them what's going on, or has gone on...  Don't I owe them an explaination?  AT least a status report?  What if they have NO clue what's going on?  Don't they deserve to know?

I don't know.  I am not obsessing over this, but I am a bit torn over whether or not to respond or not.

Comments not only appreciated, but encouraged!

Keep the Faith!

H

[Tim]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

I am writing this without reading any of the other comments first. My opinion: Just ignore that card. Do like I do now with those red, white, and blue envelopes with the RP return address on them that still occasionally appear in my mailbox -- throw it away and pretend you never got it.

It's not really about honoring your promise to Ayesa anymore, Howard, it's about PUTTING THE PAST BEHIND YOU. You need to get on with your life. The feelings of your ex-in-laws are no longer any concern of yours.

If the above advice doesn't sink home, then consider this -the only reason they are writing you is that they've obviously lost contact with Ayesa, and they're just trying to use you (once again) to get some word about her. Don't get in the middle of this, Ayesa is going to have to deal with them in her own way, eventually.

More than my .02, given in good intention to my old amigo -

Tim

[Ray]

... in response to Continue in "Ignoring Mode", posted by Tim on Apr 4, 2002

Hi Tim!

You mean to say that you are STILL getting responses from that ad you ran years ago? Amazing! I guess you got your money's worth on that one...LOL!

Ray

[Tim]

... in response to Red, white & blue envelopes, posted by Ray on Apr 4, 2002

Yep, you remember. I ran that add in Sept. of '98. It's scary to think that some dog-eared copies of that little Hearts of Asia catalog are still being passed around the villages of the Philippines....but what can I do ?

In the 18 months I've been married to Wendy, at least 4 letters from potential pen-pals have arrived.  The last one came about a month ago. Thank God I have an understanding wife !

Regards, Tim

[SJ]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

Interesting how your request for advice went from "should I respond with a letter?" to "deport or not deport?"......IF any type of "revenge" or "paybacks" to her parents is on your agenda, it doesn't appear so, but if so, then perhaps not responding at all would suffice. If all that's been written is accurate, then the parents concern is only for their benefit. Not knowing how the two of you are doing may be the best for them. Letting them wonder until their daughter decides to tell them may be just what is deserved. If you intend to write, then a brief "it's over" may also be adequate. Leave the where abouts and situation of your ex out of it and they'll just have to wonder until she decides to communicate with them, if she does. Good Luck

[The Walker]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

This is Vicky.

Deport her.

Tell her parents why she is being deported, all of it. Also her aunts and uncles and anyone else you know there.

If you found her through an agency, tell the agency what happened and request they do not accept her again, nor anyone else from her family.

She does not deserve your consideration. She willingly played her part. She swore before God that she would love and honor you. No true Catholic will lie before God.

Did you keep your end of the responsibilities? Did you treat her well and provide for her? Did you assist her family? Yes.

Remember, you promised to send her home if things did not work out well. Keep your promise. Deport her, tell them why. Maybe they wanted to be sure you would send her home so they could "hire" her out again? Who knows? None of them deserve your kindness. You have been more than kind. Her father lives because of you. You owe them NOTHING. Not her, not her family. All debts are paid on your part and then some.

-VICKY

[Febtember]

... in response to Re: Crisis of Conscience... Advice appre..., posted by The Walker on Apr 4, 2002

Good advice Vicky,I would suggest also to deport her.

[Lori]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

hi Howard :-)
You know I have a hard time believing your wife is as innocent in this whole thing as we are led to believe. Did you meet her through an agency? Who signed her up--her or her parents?
I think she knew what she was doing before she even came here. You are coddling her, Howard. Why? Maybe you still have alot of feelings towards her. That's understandable. But do you think she has EVER  had your best interest at heart? Has she ever put you before herself? You don't owe her a darned thing.
Howard, she was allowed to enter the United States on the grounds that she loved you. On the grounds that she would marry you and be your wife.  She entered the United States on a LIE. She did'nt give a crap about you or the laws. Send those gold digging beeches a message and send her back!! Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00!!
Tell her parents!! Heck, take an ad out in the local newspaper where she is from. Tell the world!! She does'nt deserve any less.
My 1000 dong  worth--LORI

[BrianN]

... in response to along came a spider..., posted by Lori on Apr 4, 2002

In these shoes, I'd agree 100%.

Sometimes it takes a woman to slap the sh@t out of us just so we can think straight, love not-withstanding.

[greg]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

I agree that you should wait until your Annulment is finalized, then send Her Parents the brief letter. I also agree with others that You should Deport Her...You went through Misery with Her, lost Tons of $$$$$$$$...Why would you want to make it easy for the next Guy she meet here??? greg

[Bear]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

but not such intensity.  I think she wants to be home in Manila with her aunt and the rumored boyfriend anyway.  I think if you allow her to stay then her boyfriend will be a few years behind in immigrating and her parents who caused all this will continue to benefit.  Tell her parents by sending her home.

Bear and Honey

P.S. How is Gerlie?  We haven't heard from her lately.

[SteveB]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

Howard you sure are a good guy.  I would let sleeping dogs lie.  If you piss her off, she will only cause you problems,,,move on and enjoy your life,,,your deserve it,,,

Steveb

[shadow]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

My personal feelings are as such.

I don't think your promise to Ayesa should be a determining factor, as her promises to you obviously weren't a determining factor in her actions.

I think the parents should know what the outcome of their actions were. Theoretically, it should come from Ayesa. However, I don't believe that would ever come to pass. She would either tell them what she wanted them to believe, or tell them what she thought they wanted to hear. Either way, it would not be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Does she have sisters? If so, learning the truth may make them think twice about lining up another perfect marriage to a "rich american". Maybe not.

Just do what you think is right. There are no perfect answers.

Larry.

[joemc]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

Hi Howard,
         This post blows me away. Please let go of the
         past,sorry I agree with everybody else.  Keep the faith, am
         I right, you found someone else. Lets talk about her.
         
   
         
         
         

[Windmill Boy]

... in response to Crisis of Conscience... Advice appreciat..., posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2002

Howard  

I  will  give you  my  opinion  before  I  read  what  the  others  have  to say.

I  would  use  the  notorious  phillapine  mail  service  as  an  excuse  and  just  pretend  you never got  the  letter.

You  don't  need  this  additional hassel  in  your  life.  give  the  card  to  Ayessa  and  let  her  deal with  it  if   she  wants  to.  If they  made  the  plans  for  Ayessa  to  come  all  the  way  to  America  for  a  new  life  with  you  then   they  should  accept  the consequenses  of  the  end  result  too.  Ayessa  should accept the  responsibility  of  telling  her  parents  of  what  happened between you or  whether  not to  and  continue  to  cower  in  their  shadow.

Wash  your  hands  on this  and  don't  respond at least  without  consulting  with Ayessa  about  what  to  do and  say first.  Move  on and  enjoy  your  potential  future  with  gerl  and  don't  look  back  anymore.  I  hope  all  is  well  between  you two !

Keep  the  faith

Windmill  Boy