Love to Hate...

[Dan]

... in response to Someone Once Said..., posted by RickM on Jun 2, 2003

And you were only slightly off with the author citation. It is M. Scott Peck (one of my favorites of the genre).

There are numerous quotable sections of the book 'The Road Less Traveled' - including the one you selected.

My favorite is his opening: "Life is difficult," closely followed by his treatise on the "Truth".

Good book.

Cheers!

- Dan

[Globetrotter]

... in response to Love to Hate..., posted by Travis on Jun 2, 2003

I was much like you when my AW left (now 12 years ago) and was indeed very angry.  I wrote the word "detached" on my fridge, saying to myself this is where I wanted to be.  It took 6 months.  Only then did I heal, and in my heart wished her the best and the best of luck.  Mind you, I took care of business in the courts (took 3 years) and all the while she was trying to destroy me mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically.  No matter...she can only do to you what you let her do.  

It would seem that you have the upper hand legally.  So...fight the good fight, but forgive, heal, move on!!!

[DanM]

... in response to Love to Hate..., posted by Travis on Jun 2, 2003

She has already hurt you enough. Don't let this bitterness and hate allow her to continue ruining your life. Find some way to move beyond her and focus on the good possibilities of a life after her. Its the only way to stop the bleeding. Yes you have been royally screwed and she does sound like an evil, hateful person. To the extent that you are learning from the bad experience, reflection is also a good thing. To the extent that you are feeling sorry for yourself, however, you are only enabling her to hurt you worse.

The real question you have to ask yourself, however, it where do I go from here? Life has a lot of wonderful possibilities if you will open you heart and your mind to them. I am not saying you should jump into another relationship immediately. I am only saying that its time to focus on healing and you cannot do this until you move beyond obsessing on this evil chick.

Best of luck

[Travis]

... in response to Re: Love to Hate..., posted by DanM on Jun 2, 2003

I really appreciate all the responses! I guess I need to vent. I know as everyone here knows that I made major mistakes! I'll be the last person to argue that I didn't make mistakes. Someone here, said I would reach this point. I guess he's a lot wiser than I ever thought about being. I hate to say that I am still really p1ssed and likely will be for a while. I don't believe I have ever before been this angry. Though I would never do anything outside the law, I will "throw the book at her", in every possible way. And her friends! It's still being written at this time though. As far as giving up and allowing her to succeed with her original plans??? No way! She drew the line in the sand and she has slandered my name and reputation. I already turned the other cheek and got hit again. Game is on! How can I possibly just allow her to get away with her initial intent, to get a visa, marry and then trade up after she drained all the money from me she could? Sends a real good signal back to the Motherland! I got a better message to send. If you marry in bad faith and you file false charges, trying to use a loophole in US law, you will be prosecuted, put in jail and then deported. I hope she enjoyed her vacation from Russia. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm p1ssed off, I'm bitter and I now hate her. What I want is justice! She played a very serious game with my life. I have been arrested one time in my 36 years of being, and it was because of her lies. He11, I'm already out 25 grand, whats another 5?

I won't be jumping into another relationship for a long time. I'm basically no good right now. Not until I feel that justice has been served. And until she pays for the crimes that she has committed, I ain't gonna be done, I don't give a rats @ss how long it takes or what it costs!

[DanM]

... in response to Re: Re: Love to Hate..., posted by Travis on Jun 2, 2003

Sorry, but I did not mean you should stop legal action against her. I agree you need to be the consequence for her actions through all possible legal attempts. I am only saying that you should (1) recognize how much anger you have inside of you, (2) understand how much harm this anger will do to you both emotionally and physically if it persists over a long period of time and (3) start thinking about ways to fill you day with things other than hating her.

Of course you should think about how bad she is when you are in with the lawyers, but not when you are eating cereal or taking a shower. You have got to find some release that gives you a break from thinking about her for a little while in the day or this will eat you alive.

Also I think its really smart to wait until you are in a better place emotionally before you look to start another romantic relationship.

Hang in there.

[Travis]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Love to Hate..., posted by DanM on Jun 3, 2003

No apologies required. I basically replied in one post oppossed to replying to each individually. Most what I wrote was not at all directed at you, for that I apologize.

I do recognize how much anger and hate I have now. It isn't something I can get over in the short term. He11, I have to be in court Thursday to deal with the charges she filed..first hearing, I forget what they call it. Basically they ask if I plead innocent or guilty....arrainment, that's it. Sorta hard to forget when I have cr@p like that on my schedule!

I'm not going to be romantically involved for some time. In my emotional state, I don't think I could be any less attractive to a woman :-) And you are right, it is eating me alive...I know I need to find a way to get my mind off the things she has done and what's happening but it's a little difficult right now. I have goals: 1. beat the charges she filed, they shouldn't be a problem, just expensive...attorney fees, court reporter and a translator for 6 hours. 2. Have her prosecuted for filing false charges and bad faith marriage. 3. see her deported! 4. pay off all the debt I've incurred! I know it was my own stupidity that got me into this mess and it's up to me to get myself out of it. With my attorney's help!

Please keep in mind I'm venting and in my own way "screaming". I won't be healed for some time...just being realistic. It's amazing how much I've learned though. I've often wondered how much pressure I would have to be under to crack. Well, I'm under a heck of a lot of pressure and haven't quite cracked yet. Close though :-)

[tim360z]

... in response to Love to Hate..., posted by Travis on Jun 2, 2003

Ya know Travis,  you really don't have it so bad.  At least you are getting the divorce and getting rid of her.  Whether USA or back to the Motherland...you will be rid of her.  There will be other victims, I am sure.  Its when they won't leave you alone and keep bothering you for this or that...pestering the heck out of you...;.that is the real torture.  You got it pretty good.  Just imagine if she got pregnant with your child.  If she had 1/2 a brain...thats what she would have done.  There would barely be a chance that she would be sent back to Russia. Then the lawyers would be discussing child support and spousal support and maintenance et al.  Ya got it preety good.  Enjoy it.  Things could be much worse.

[Alfred]

... in response to Re: Love to Hate..., posted by tim360z on Jun 2, 2003

Tim,

you make a very good point here.  (My ex tried to get money from me while I was in a coma in the hospital.) However, I think these things require some time to gain perspective and let the wounds heal.  (If I remember correctly, the divorce isn't final yet in this case.)

Alf

[Cold Warrior]

... in response to Love to Hate..., posted by Travis on Jun 2, 2003

A few years back the primal scream therapy began making its rounds in the business world. You were encouraged to scream to vent your anger and frustration. I found it very difficult, I hardly ever raise my voice much less scream. Some guys felt better but the only thing I got was a hoarse throat. However, I think its good to vent sometimes rather than turning inwards. The stumbling blocks we encounter in life, far from crushing us can only serve to make us stronger and wiser. Get back your self-esteem and faith in yourself. Its not your fault.  Don’t try attacking or wishing evil upon her, it will only prolong your own troubles. Get this out of your system, again, its not your fault.

[Dan]

... in response to Love to Hate..., posted by Travis on Jun 2, 2003

Wanted to respond to commiserate with you. Not that my RW has gone sour, but I do have an ex-wife (AW) that has suddenly turned rabid. Lawyers and filing motions and all that. Seemingly all because of jealousy and greed (see, it's not only RW).

I wish I could say that things will be OK for you, but the truth of the matter is - we all make choices we later must live with and some are forever unpleasant. I made one some years ago when I married my now ex-wife. We have some terrific kids - but the marriage was terrible and she had a bit of a screw loose. As time has gone on, that screw has become looser still and it now affects me (and Olya - and most certainly, Katya when she arrives) in a most negative way. Unfortunately, it will be a factor in our lives for many years to come - no matter how much I attempt to distance myself.

So . . . the moral of the story (both stories - yours Travis and mine) is simple. Choose well.

- Dan

[Robert D]

... in response to No Answers Here, Just . . ., posted by Dan on Jun 2, 2003

First, I think the first rule of love, is to love thy self first.  That does not mean you have to be a selfish jerk, or un loving at all.  It means respect yourself enough to demand respect in return. (not ask mind you but demand)   I also think some of us when we were younger (or me that is) often tried to put square pegs in round holes.  ie, she looks great, she can be fun, who would not fall in love (lust) with her. But all the times there were signs we overlooked because she was so beautiful.  Like her being selfish, or wanting material things too much, like her needing her way all the time, (we think that was cute then and she will get out of it)  or that strange feeling we got from time to time, that she really was just looking for a bigger or better dear all the while she was with you.  If you are at all the "nice guy" you overlook most if not all of her negatives or you say "she will change once she gets to know me well"  etc.
    One of my ex's is now on hubbie 3 no 4.  She is beautiful (like off one of those magazines -tall blonde about 5'7" and thin even after 2 kids) But after two times of trying to make things work with her, I finally allowed my head with the brain in it think for me, and said that was enough, when she wanted back into my life.  It is worse if you are a person with some means, as they can fake it longer then.    
    So I agree, make a good choice, and use a critical eye.  And lastly, if you have any close female friends that you really trust, introduce them, and you will get the real deal about that woman you like.  I have to tell you woman can spot another fake or trouble woman a mile off.   It is tooooooo strange how that is true.  I have avoided  few nuts that way.

Robert D.

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Love to Hate..., posted by Travis on Jun 2, 2003

Once you have done everything you legally can do to see her go back to her old life.............calm down and think about yourself.  Learn from this and move on a stronger, smarter man.

[wsbill]

... in response to Throw the book at her, posted by Bobby Orr on Jun 2, 2003

Your talking about one huge waste of time and energy.

Just make sure you look her up when you visit her homeland!

[DanM]

... in response to Throw the book at her, posted by Bobby Orr on Jun 2, 2003

Exactly!