Notes from married life

[John K]

It's been a long time since I've been around to post.  I do apologize, but life is far from accomodating me with free time.  Still, here are a few observations from married life.

Marina and I purchased a house in a suburb of San Bernardino, CA last year.  It has been quite a learning experience for us, as it is our first house.  Everything that could go wrong, did.  Luckily, our husband and wife agent team was very experienced, and they were able to keep the situation under control.  Still, we had some very sleepless nights and I'm surprised I didn't get an ulcer from it.

Our first house is a "fixer upper" and we have been very busy working to make it nice.  We've had to grind down the walls, spackle, sand, primer, paint, remodel, lay down new carpeting, put in a new roof, replace the fence, clean from top to bottom, replace doors and windows, treat two termite infestations, run new electrical wiring and replace outlets and switches, cut and install molding, repair drywall, haul out a junk pile that's been in the back yard for more than 2 years, and the list goes on and on.  Slowly, our home is beginning to resemble a decent place to live.  Our new neighbors are ecstatic about the renovation of the "eyesore at the end of the street".  I'm sure it helps the property values...

Marina is spending a few months in Ukraine right now.  She's helping her mother and grandmother out both financially and physically, as they both need to visit the hospital for various work.  She is helping out with some apartment upgrades for both of them as well.  Grandma now has an old laptop, an internet connection, an ICQ account and email, so Marina can keep in touch with her, once she comes back to America.  Hooking up the internet was an ordeal, as I had to manually splice in the telephone wires to make the connection.  I found that pigtail splices caused more interference, so I did inline splices instead.

After abandoning her for 7 years, Marina's father called from out of the blue to see if he could visit her.  Turns out he wanted a copy of her local Ukrainian passport to help him with getting an apartment for him and his new family.  Marina's mother did some checking with her company's lawyer and found that if she provided the copies, her father would be able to recreate her local passport and then start business ventures in her name, making her legally responisble for all debts incurred by the business.  Needless to say, dad didn't get any copies.  She did give him copies of documents showing her the legal owner of her mother's apartment, which will at least let him proceed with his apartment request.

Now that dad knows that Marina is married to an American, he's decided to pay all the back child support he owes to her mother.  While he says he's doing it to "bury the hatchet", there's an ulterior motive.  Buy paying the back child support, he can later make a claim against his daughter to support him in his retirement.  I have long been pressing Marina and her mother to send the father a document that would release him from his past financial commitments, as long as he gave up claims to Marina's future commitments.  Of course, that's a moot point now, as dad know's that Marina is married to an American.  He'll never sign it now.

Marina still has not accepted America as her new home, but I think that will change.  While she is in Ukraine, she feels as if she doesn't quite belong there anymore.  Her thought processes are now in American, and she has a hard time remembering how to speak sometimes, as she still thinks in English.  This alienation to her old country should encourage her to accept her new one, once she returns back home.  While I was initially worried about whether she would come back or not (it's a 5 month vacation), I feel more confident that she will be more than ready to come home when her time's up.  Her English so far has held up amazingly well, despite only speaking in English 30 minutes 3 times a week.

Hope you find this interesting...

[DanM]

... in response to Notes from married life, posted by John K on Apr 4, 2003

As another man who is married to a Russian woman, a lot of your comments sound familiar. The first 2 or 3 months were the toughest for my wife. I think it gets better with time. The important thing is to give her a chance to put down roots in this country. Moving back closer to my family was huge. She loves my parents and my sisters and the friendship she has with all of them has been really big. Also we bought a house and this has given her an endless stream of projects to fill the day. Painting, curtains, little things to fill the house, etc.

FYI, my wife was in Moscow for about 5 weeks starting at the beginning of February and she was ready to come back after 2 weeks.

I think if a man will be thoughtful of his wife's sacrifices and need for interesting ways to fill her day, then there are a lot of reasons to believe his girl can make the transition to living in the USA.

[SteveM]

... in response to Notes from married life, posted by John K on Apr 4, 2003

My experience was that my wife really settled into living here only after she had spent some time back home.  Don't think I could have made it five months without my wife--being separated for a month made us both crazy.

[John K]

... in response to Re: Notes from married life, posted by SteveM on Apr 7, 2003

We both are feeling the separation pretty hard.  Now that she's been over there for almost a couple of months, she's starting to wish she hadn't agreed to stay over there quite so long.

Even so, Marina is going to stay busy over there for a while yet.  She's heading out of town for a few weeks, to accompany her mother on another series of medical procedures.  She'll stop back on Saturday, so that I can call her and find out where I can reach her in the other town.  After seeing her mother through the medical stuff, she'll likely head back to her grandmother's for a while.  I think her grandmother needs some medical work done as well.

Myself, I keep busy working on the house.  It occupies my time and keeps me thinking about what to do next.  I will likely take a week's vacation to paint my house and do some more rewiring.  I use all my weekends on yardwork and work around the house.  In the evenings, I watch the war sometimes, but most of the time it's Home and Garden Television (HGTV), so I can pick up some interesting ideas for the next project.  :-)

As long as we keep busy, we won't go too crazy without each other.  It's when my projects run out (can you ever run out of home projects?) and when Marina's family doesn't need her around to help out, that's when we will really start to feel the pain of the separation.  Hopefully, that won't be for a long while yet, or else it's going to be a long vacation...

[T P Cornholio]

... in response to It's hard, posted by John K on Apr 8, 2003

You could get some good tips for putting grass on your interior walls (I think Vern usually does a pretty good job).

Someone (above) asked what happens when a Ukrainian girl meets Taco Bell, forget that, smarter to put a channel block on the TLC station and all HSN type shows early-on (but you can still tape and watch Junkyard Wars).

[John K]

... in response to Hey, don't forget Trading Spaces., posted by T P Cornholio on Apr 9, 2003

My fav's are Trading Spaces, Design on a Dime, and While You Were Out.  I also like the one where they recreate an obscenely expensive room for a fraction of the cost.  When I can, I catch Norm Abrams and Bob Vila on whatever show they do too.

The one I can't stand is the one where they redo a room under $500.  The rooms usually come out chitzy and cheap.  That, and the host always goes to this shop that shows how they "recycle" some junk that someone was smart enough to throw away the first time.  "And we made a full length mirror from this old broken door..."  Give me a break!

[T P Cornholio]

... in response to Re: Hey, don't forget Trading Spaces., posted by John K on Apr 10, 2003

since he got booted from "This Old House."  I kind of like the "new" guy, and Norm stuck with it too.  The MAJOR problem I have with the Old House type programs is finding out when they are on, and when I do, seeing one that's not a rerun from 3 years ago.

Ha, I just recalled one segment where Bob Vila was showing a landscaper around, and was noting how they would need to get rid of this overgrown vine while grabbing hold and pulling at it.  The landscaper says something like "...that's right Bob, we'll definitely be getting rid of that Poison Ivy."  I just had to laugh at old Bob.

[John K]

... in response to I don't think old Bob has been as good,, posted by T P Cornholio on Apr 10, 2003

Missed that episode.  Wish I hadn't. :-)

What I like about all those episodes is that you pick up on how things are done *right*, as opposed to how things are done.  Case in point, using a nail set to put molding on without putting hammer dents in your molding.  Saw it on a Bob show and filed it away for when I installed decorative molding in our bedroom.  

Our contractor, on the other hand, apparently isn't a Bob watcher.  His work is pretty shoddy...

[Frank O]

... in response to Notes from married life, posted by John K on Apr 4, 2003

Mr., your a better man than I.

[RickM]

... in response to 5 month vacation?!..., posted by Frank O on Apr 6, 2003

n/t

[BURKE89]

... in response to Notes from married life, posted by John K on Apr 4, 2003

Best to the both of you - sans... the "evil in-law."

Vaughn

[Jersey Mike]

... in response to Notes from married life, posted by John K on Apr 4, 2003

Thanks for your candid and honest commentary.  I do not think there is enough  info posted here about the unique challenges of making these marriages work in the long run.  I know from my own personal experience that it is not a certainty that FSU wives will adjust positively to life in the US (or other western countries).  My FSU ex-wife (of nearly 4 years) has recently decided to return to her native country.  The heartache and homesickness were just too much for her and she couldn't shake her depression from missing her family and friends.

Sometimes those of us who are seeking a foreign-born wife get caught up in the choosing-and-deciding side of the process (and weeding out the scammers), and we downplay the personal sacrifice that must be made by our potential wives-to-be.  Not all women will be able to make the adjustment successfully, even though there is no fault attributed to either party.

Hopefully, your wife will become more comfortable with her life here.  Best of luck to you both.

[DanM]

... in response to Re: Notes from married life, posted by Jersey Mike on Apr 5, 2003

Excellent point! My wife and I are doing well (she has been here 10 months), but she made it clear to me early on that she was giving up a lot for me. My wife was a military child, however, so maybe that helped a little with her adjustment.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Notes from married life, posted by John K on Apr 4, 2003

John:

My wife also had a bit of a time accepting America, but like your wife said, she didn't feel at home back home either. This gradually passed over time. Don't expect it to happen suddenly, at least it didn't with mine. My wife went back to her country a month or more a couple times a year for the first four or five years and each time it felt less and less like home, but upon returning, it felt more and more like home. I'll bet when she gets back to San Berdoo, she'll say something like, "home sweet home!"

I also lived in the inland empire, I'm a Redlands High graduate from back in the early 70s, but now live in Huntington Beach. I remember cruising E Street in my '57 Buick with the 8 track blasting Led Zeppelin II and Hendrix, through the McDonald's parking lot and back to the Orange Showgrounds. (Do you realize that the e-street McDonalds was THE original McDonald's owned by the McDonald brothers, that Ray Croc got his original idea from?)

Thanks for the post and yes, I did find it interesting. I hope the unmarried MOB seekers were paying attention, also. Many of the posts on boards such as these, tend to be on either extreme (we're deleriously happy or she's a scamming b!tch.) Posts with a mix of good and bad, hope and fear, illustrate the real life situations most of us will face after the honeymoon. Best of luck to you.

- Jeff S.

[don1]

... in response to Re: Notes from married life, posted by Jeff S on Apr 5, 2003


Jeff S , your post rekindled a few happy memories for me : cruisin , drive-in movies , GTOs , Roadrunners & Super Bees , 8 - Tracks , the Beatles , 35 cent gas , the Beach Boys ,  Chevelles , Deuce coupes & T-Buckets ..........I'm not trying to hijack this thread off topic , just wanted to thank you for the quick cruise down memory lane ...

Thnx , bro !

; - )

don