Question for married guys - 2

[juio99]

Thanks to Ken's question, everyone benefited from group experiences re phone calls and trips.

Another very useful bit of information would be support payments (or whatever you want to call them) and expenses paid for the benefit of inlaws and friends of your RW.

So it would be very helpful if you married fellows (and ladies) could give us a rundown on the amounts of money you have sent to FSU for families and friends.  Please tell of large 'one-time' payments and continuing monthly payments.

Although some are quick to criticise those who are curious about such expenses, it is not necessarily a matter of being cheap but rather of being informed.

In another thread below, Charles noted "Some families expect and are planning on substantial support, some are not, as was the case with me, although when her mother died I was more than happy to pay for additional medical expenses and other costs."

When the ex-post time comes, most would probably be 'more than happy to pay,' but it would be nice to get an ex-ante idea of what we would be 'more than happy to do.'  :-))

JR

[Charles]

... in response to Question for married guys - 2, posted by juio99 on Jan 8, 2003

I agree with Dan and KenC that most Russians are proud people and do not expect substantial financial support, but as I said earlier, you should speak to your prospective wife regarding her expectations regarding these issues of return travel, travel for relatives, and sending money.  The only time I had to send any money was when her mother had a stroke and needed specialized medical attention that apparently was not "free" as well as funeral expense when she died.  It was about $250-500 - I really can't remember.  Since that time I have maybe sent another $250 over a 2 yr period as a gifts to her other relatives.

[KenC]

... in response to Question for married guys - 2, posted by juio99 on Jan 8, 2003

My in laws in Russia do not expect any financial support from me.  They are very proud people and work at good jobs.  I have spent no more or no less than I would have if they would have been Americans.  I did get a thrill out of buying my mother in law a washing machine for her birthday, but she never asked for it.  I did loan them some money to purchase a car instead of them paying outragous interest to the local bank.  They promptly paid all money back.  The rest has been normal birthday or Christmas gifts.  They also have been generous with gifts to me.  Once, when Lena mentioned that we were tight on money, they offered to send some to us.  Just normal family stuff.
KenC

[John F]

... in response to Question for married guys - 2, posted by juio99 on Jan 8, 2003

We send cash, about $100 or so a few times during the year, and for the holidays.  My in-laws aren't so bad off, but everyone can use a little extra now and then.  Friends get gifts sent every now and then, but no cash.

[SteveM]

... in response to Question for married guys - 2, posted by juio99 on Jan 8, 2003

Don't mind answering this one, but keep in mind that everyone's experience will vary.  Much depends on her family's situation (and even the relevant number of family members).

I also don't know whether we are comparatively generous or frugal, but here goes--

Help with basic expenses averages out to about $100-150/month.  Some of this--plus a couple of one-time payments of a couple hundred for repairs--is for the upkeep of my wife's apartment.

We also pay for:

my Mother-in-Law's plane tix for visits
(1-2/year at an average of about $600);

presents for family members and extra money for the relatives for helping with my wife's grandmother when my MIL visits (maybe $70/month average, including EMS postage)

our travel back to Russia
(maybe once/ 2 years -- about $3,500 for the four of us);

phone calls ($90/month when we use 10-15-335; $40 a month when the nobelcom.com 6 cent/minute cards are working)

This averages out to something like $300-350/month, which is only a small fraction of my wife's aftertax income.  There are probably a few more things I forgot, but this is most of it.  It would probably be more if my wife was not an only child.

Hope this helps,

Steve M.

[SteveM]

... in response to Family Money, posted by SteveM on Jan 8, 2003

Eliminating the travel and phone expense leaves this at $150-200/month, including presents and expenses for my wife's apartment.

[Stevo]

... in response to Question for married guys - 2, posted by juio99 on Jan 8, 2003

In 3 years I've probably sent around $2.5k (maybe a little more) to the mother-in-law (no other family), in amounts of $100/150/200 every few months or so.

To other relatives: maybe $500-$750 over the same period

To friends:  maybe $500 over the same period

Plus Xmas gifts to family/relative/friends each year, which the stupid shipping thereof costs more than the gifts themselves (let's say $400 each year).

So in total, I've sent over around $3.5 to $4k in cash and another $1.5k in 'stuff'.

Stevo

[SteveM]

... in response to Re: Question for married guys - 2, posted by Stevo on Jan 8, 2003

Sure know what you mean about the shipping.  Early on, we sent one with shampoo and bath crystals, which must have cost more than $65 in EMS postage.

Now we focus on lighter stuff--clothes are big thing, because they are not much cheaper (if any) in Russia than here, and there are a lot of things that aren't readily available there.  Most of the boxes we sent these days cost about $40-45 to send.

[Dan]

... in response to Question for married guys - 2, posted by juio99 on Jan 8, 2003

JR;

It is my distinct impression that some guys are so focused on penching pennies that it distorts their perspectives - and also subverts their chances of success.

I certainly don't suggest that people spend lavishly or wildly - and I am as happy as the next guy to get a great bargain in my travels - BUT - I persist in my view that people should maintain a perspective on their priorities.

If a guy is engaged in this process to find a life-partner - then really how significant is a $10k or $20k or even $30k expenditure when taken in relation to 10 or 20 or 30 or more years together??

I also maintain that guys should expect significant expenditures to be involved in this pursuit. Why? Well, if a guy is restricted (financially) to a single trip over - he will (consciously or sub-consciously) be much more inclined to make a hasty ill-informed decision. A guy should expect to make numerous trips over - and certainly no fewer than 3 (just MHO) - and this costs some $$$ - probably into the 1000's of $$ or even 10's of 1000's.

As to your specific question, Olya's parents are sufficiently comfortable (and proud) that we have sent nothing over for them directly. We *have* sent money for them to help renovate our apartment (separate from Olya's parents) in Kremenchug - but they have always spent more on those renovations than we send.

Would I send money if they needed it for some reason? You bet. No hesitation and no questions asked. Just as I would if my wife's family were from America or Canada or China.

Just my perspective that marriage involves extending a FAMILY - and FAMILY ties are not measured in $$$$$.

- Dan

[johnE]

... in response to "Cheap" Guys . . ., posted by Dan on Jan 8, 2003

Dan-

What a great post!! I couldn't agree with you more. Last year my wife's father had a heart attack. As a result, he can no longer work. He receives such a small pension that it's very difficult for them to survive. As a result we take care of them. Well, help them out. Financially that is. My wife and I. I don't even think twice about it. When I married Olga, her family became mine. And mine hers. And yes, they are my family as well. I don't even think twice about it. But what goes around comes around as well. I see how hard Olga works. Not only with her job but taking care of our family. Our family here and in Russia as well. It's so refreshing. It really is. But, that's what love is about. Helping others. Helping your family. Friends. People who care about you. Anyway, once again, what a wonderful post. I just had to respond!!! :}

John

[Patrick]

... in response to "Cheap" Guys . . ., posted by Dan on Jan 8, 2003

How many guys would be willing to help their own parents, but not their wife's?  I suppose most are expecting that the wife's family is going to see you as a cash cow to elevate not only their daughter's lifestyle, but the family's as well.  Those are the women to stay away from because they aren't marrying you for love in the first place.

We don't send money to my wife's parents, nor to mine, but either would be welcome to it in the event they needed it.  What we're all willing to do for our own families should be no different than what we're willing to do for our wives' families.

[Griffin]

... in response to "Cheap" Guys . . ., posted by Dan on Jan 8, 2003

Some guys go to FSU with a pair of boxer shorts and a twenty dollar bill and they don't change either one the entire time they're there.