2 years into married life

[John K]

Seasons Greetings,

Some of you still remember this old timer, so I thought I'd drop a quick update on you.  Marina and I have been married for over 2 years now and we have undergone significant life changes over that time.  We have moved 3 times (once in Iowa, once to California, and now into our house).  We have purchased our first house and it has been a real eye opener for us.

Our house buying experience has been a case of Murphy on steroids.  Bank financing problems, seller problems, house problems, contractor problems, you name it.  We did spend Christmas in our new house, but it has been less than ideal, as the house repairs are far from complete.  The worst repairs we are at the mercy of the contractor, as we cannot directly touch escrow money that has been earmarked for repairs.  

Marina and I have done the bulk of the remodelling ourselves, and we are even correcting the contractor's work.  We have laid new carpeting, replaced doors and windows, ground down the walls, spackled, sanded, primered, and painted.  I have replaced most of the electrical in the house and even ran a new 220v feed for my wife's new electrical stove.  I have replaced plumbing gaskets and augered out a slow drain.  I have dug up and cut down concrete posts in the "garden", left by previous tenants.  Next week, the contractor finishes his work inside the house and starts replacing the roof.  Then he replaces the fence and hauls 2 or 3 years worth of trash out of the back yard.  Then we will sit down and determine what we can do with what's left of the "repair" money.

So far, Marina and I have been surviving the new house ordeal, but it hasn't been easy.  While what I've written so far seems like a lot, it does not even begin to describe the work we have been doing for the last 2 to 3 months.  There's still a lot to do, but we are hopeful that the worst part of it will be knocked out in a couple of more weeks.  Then we can finish the house repairs and remodelling at a more leisurely pace.

Meanwhile, we are getting ready for another trip to Ukraine.  We leave in mid February and for Marina, this will be her last trip for a couple of years.  So, she will be staying for five and a half months.  Meanwhile, I will be working and remodelling one of the bathrooms.  Once Marina returns, we will spend the next couple of years correcting various medical and dental deficiencies in both of us.  After that, we should be ready to tackle a new trip overseas.

I still pick up new things from my wife.  I found out that the Google search engine (www.google.com) searches in both Russian and English.  My wife uses it a lot when she's searching for something, as she can run a search in English, then change the keyboard layout to Russian and search again.  Also, some of Microsoft's base windows fonts support Russian, like Arial.  Instead of installing Russian fonts, like I did, you simply can change the language layout and continue typing.

Marina spends a lot of time on the internet, and I've found that she gravitates towards 2 main internet sites.  Yandex, which is a Russian search engine (www.yandex.ru) and a Russian women's site (www.woman.ru).  Of course, I'm just as likely to see any number of a myriad of Russian MP3 sites, while Marina goes looking for the latest Russian and English hits.  I have to smile when I hear the radio nowadays.  A Russian duo called Tatu is making it big on the airwaves in LA, and I've been hearing the Russian versions of their "hits" for about 2 years now...

Some of you may recall that there is a 16+ year age difference between Marina and I.  We've never really noticed it, until the other day when I was talking with a coworker.  She mentioned that other workers have been gossiping that my wife looks like she should be my daughter.  Marina enjoyed this, as she likes to look and feel young, but I do feel a little chagrin over public perception.  I'm glad Marina wears makeup though, or someone would probably be accusing me of carnal knowledge...

All in all, my life has changed dramatically these last two years.  To quote a Grateful Dead album, what a long strange trip it has been.  Still I wouldn't change it for anything.  Marina has made great improvements in my life and she continues to push me in the right direction.  We have made great inroads into understanding each other, and we are very comfortable with our life together.  Of course, the most important thing of all is love.  We love each other even more deeply now, and I can't see my life without her.  

For those of you still looking, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you find that happiness that Marina and I have found.  For those of you who are already married to your Russian lady, I offer congratulations and best wishes for the coming year.  For those of you who are curious, I am proof that it can work.  For those who take a more "anti-MOB" stance, well, I hope you will take the time to open your eyes to the possibilities.  People have to find their own ways to happiness.  Sometimes the path goes the way you least expect...

[tim360z]

... in response to 2 years into married life, posted by John K on Dec 28, 2002

1

[Jack]

... in response to 2 years into married life, posted by John K on Dec 28, 2002

Thanks for the good report John.

[Cold Warrior]

... in response to 2 years into married life, posted by John K on Dec 28, 2002

Thanks you for your post and I wish you success on your home improvements and married life. Success stories like yours are important for us guys still in the search. Would you say that working together on your dream home brought you closer as both were building your future so to speak?

5 & !/2 months? Why so long may I ask?

[John K]

... in response to Re: 2 years into married life, posted by Cold Warrior on Dec 28, 2002

Actually, working on the house brought us a lot closer, despite our stress level going up by a magnitude.  As far as building our future, this house is a starter home.  We plan to be out of it within 3 to 5 years.  So, we are primarily grooming this house for resale value.  

We are avoiding flashy colors, and are doing it primarily light and neutral.  We are adding in decorative electrical plates and putting in some very decorative moldings to dress it up.  Gutting and rebuilding the garden is another job I will be doing while Marina is away.  If I have the time, I will also remodel the primary bathroom.  Last of all, I need to finish painting the house.  At least I won't be bored while Marina is away.

There are a number of reasons why Marina will be gone for so long.  First, she hates life in America and when she comes back, she will be stuck here for 2 years.  Therefore, she wants to maximize her time back home.  Second, we actually live a little cheaper when she's over there, as prices in Ukraine are generally cheaper than here.  Third, her grandmother is in failing health, and it is likely that she won't see her again after this trip.  Last, but not least, it gives me the chance to do some remodelling without inconveniencing her.  I'm sure there are some other reasons as well, but I can't remember them for right now...

[Stevo]

... in response to House and Vacation, posted by John K on Dec 28, 2002

5-1/2 months in Ukraine?!  She hates living in America?!

Most wives would not want to be separated from their husbands for such a long time, under any circumstances, never mind the ones you were describing.

I'd be thinking twice about her being gone for such a long time.  "Time kills all deals."

[John K]

... in response to Re: House and Vacation, posted by Stevo on Dec 29, 2002

There is always the chance that things will die off after a while.  Given Marina's dislike for American life, it is possible that she won't care to live in the US after her stay "back home".  We have talked about this extensively, and we have agreed to see what happens.  Regardless of how she feels at the end of her stay, Marina will return to America, at least for a short while.  We have already talked this over and have agreed to that.

Time isn't going to kill our feelings for each other.  We spent a year between our first meeting and when I finally came over to bring her to the US.  Her last stay in Ukraine was 2 1/2 months, and she came back from that one.  Unfortunately, the only reason she comes back is for me.  If I were unfaithful or bad to her, Marina would be long gone by now.  Instead, I am loving, faithful and supportive.  

Sadly, my wife's life is currently one of separation.  When she's in America, she misses her parents.  When she's in Ukraine, she misses me.  The only time she's really happy is when we are all together under one roof.

I guess, in a way, this is our "acid test".  If we can survive such a long separation and still be an effective couple after that, I will have no qualms regarding the stability of our marriage.  If we cannot remain a viable couple after such a long sojourn, then it is better that we find out early in our marriage.  There is no doubt that we love each other.  The question lies in whether Marina is willing to commit to life in America for the long haul.  So, she's getting a full bodied taste of life back in Ukraine, after which she will have the opportunity to decide which home is more important to her.  Regardless of which choice she makes, it will be a painful one for her.  I don't envy her at all.

[BubbaGump]

... in response to House and Vacation, posted by John K on Dec 28, 2002

Is it being away from friends and family or cultural differences?  Or could it be the hassels of getting this new home built?

[John K]

... in response to Why does your wife hate America?, posted by BubbaGump on Dec 29, 2002

My wife has had a hard time adjusting culturally to life in America.  Capitalism leaves a bad taste in her mouth, regardless of the better quality of life here materially.  She has a dislike of most people here, and she has become very insular.  She refuses to answer the phone and will not answer the doorbell, unless she or I am expecting a package to be delivered.

In a way, I think it is my fault.  Instead of pushing my wife to integrate into American society, I've been more protective of her.  If she doesn't want to speak to people, I do the speaking for her.  She won't go out in public, unless I'm with her.  Her racist opinions have increased and I haven't been as aggressing in quashing them as I have in the past.  She doesn't want to learn to drive, so I drive her to wherever she wants to go.  I've been too lenient and protective of her, and now it's coming back to haunt me.

In some ways, Americans are better than Russians.  In others, Russians are better.  The problem with Marina is that she cannot learn to accept the bad things with America, so that she can enjoy the good.  Because she grew up in Ukraine, she understands and accepts the limitations of life back home.  Here, she's a stranger in a strange land.  She is amazed at how the majority of Russians here have become "Americanized" so quickly and easily, while at the same time she is frustrated by her inability to adapt.  

Marina really doesn't have any real friends back home.  All she has there is her mother and grandmother.  They are her family, and they are precious to her.  I have the honor of being the only other person in her life that is important to her.  What drags her heart back to Ukraine, besides her family, is a common culture, a common language, and the familiarity that fits like a well worn glove.

Sadly, I don't think she will find it as familiar or comfortable as she dreams and remembers it.  Her last trip found her feeling out of sorts with her environment.  Now, a year and a half later, she's going back to find it out all over again.  This time, I think it will be harder on her, despite the extended stay.  Life with me in America has broadened her perceptions, and she has grown into her own woman while being with me.  

The house has been a constant source of frustration for us, but we continue to make progress.  This house was a rental unit to migrant workers for the last 10 years.  Consequently, we've had to do extensive work to repair and renovate the house up to livable (upper middle class) standards.  The contractor drags his feet, so we do a lot of the work ourselves.  Marina often complains that in Ukraine, nobody has money, so if you needed work done you'd have people lined up outside your door willing to do a great job today for you.  In America, everyone has money, so to get a contractor to work for you, you have to wait on him to show up (if he does at all) and get whatever results you get.

Still, as we progress with our renovations, Marina gets happier with the house.  We just renovated the bulk of our "bonus room", despite the contractor's slow and poor quality work.  We left one small spot for him to finish, as kind of a slap in the face and a motivator for him to get the rest of his work done more quickly.  Now that our furniture is finally moved in place and the last of the plastic is pulled up, Marina is beginning to enjoy our home as it should have been a couple of months ago.

Despite the frustrations of our house ownership, that doesn't seem to be the major source of her disaffection with American life.  On the contrary, I think the house is giving her "roots" in America, which will make it harder for her to give it up.  While the house is not a guarantee that Marina will choose to return to America, it certainly will provide her more motivation to do so.

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Cultural Differences, mainly, posted by John K on Dec 31, 2002

I am obviously from the south but have moved from job to job as an engineer and feel out of place everywhere, even when I go home.  My friends are strung out throughout the country.  

I lost my job recently and plan to return home and buy a fixer upper type house and try to renovate it.  I found a really trashed out home in a good neighborhood and I have plenty of time to work on it.  I think I can turn a good profit on it. Otherwise for now I plan to live off my savings and investments.  I think I should do ok even though my situation sounds bad.