reality

[Lori]

Thai's arrival was wonderful.Yesterday we went and applied for his social security card and for our marrage licence.
I tried to prepare myself for alot of things we would have to deal with. I did not realize how homesick he would be. For one thing there are alot of problems in his family right now. His mother is very ill. Also his sister who had an operation last year, now needs another one. He was talking with his sister yesterday morning(who lived here in America). He started to cry and then cry very hard. My heart sank. Also last night he called back to vietnam and was crying for hours. I ask him if he is not happy hear. And he said when he was in vietnam he missed me so much. But now he is in America he misses his family. I told me maybe he can not be happy without his family. And he said it is O.K. because he has me.
What can I say. I CAN NOT stand it!!!. I am crying as I write this. I feel like he is now obligated to stay here even if he is miserable. I Don't weant to be the cause of someones misery. I feel so guilty that there is nothing I can do now to ease his pain. I know it is only the second day and maybe he will come around. It's hard for me to see someone I love in so much pain. You know I saw the video to Thai's fathers funeral. He did not shed a tear. I guess that is why I am so worried, because I think it takes alot to make him cry.
I know he made the choice to come here. Any of you old timers gone through this? Did your wives come around?
I am not giving up , so please don't assume that. I guess I am just dumbfounded . Reality hit me like a ton of bricks and I just don't know how to handle it.
My advise to any newbies out there is to remove those rose colored glasses and face the reality as to what it REALLY is that we are asking these people to do. And that is to leave behind their whole world, their whole existance to be with us. If that is not an ultimate sacrifice I don't know what is...Lori

[Dave H]

... in response to reality, posted by Lori on Mar 14, 2002

Hi Lori and Thai,

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. Lori, the best thing for now is to give lots of love and have plenty of patience. When he cries or if he becomes angry or cold, try not to take it personal, you are not to blame. Thai loves you and it was ultimately his decision to join you in the US. Try not to become absorbed in his grief, but be strong and supportive...easier said than done. His family in the US will probably be able to help a great deal. At the moment, I’m sure he can express his feelings better in his own language and with people of his own culture. Keep busy with small things and don’t overwhelm him by trying to do too much too soon or plan grand schemes (large parties, meeting everyone, Disney World…) until he is more adjusted and ready.  America is a huge intimidating country, with a strange culture. We can be loud and large, and also quite funny looking. ;o)) A quiet walk in the park or country can sometimes work wonders. Books, movies, puzzles, trips to an Asian store, picnics and bicycle rides are just a few of the things that might help...whatever he is fond of. I usually convince my wife to walk with me (I need the exercise) each night, even though she doesn’t always feel like it. We end up having a nice conversation and she feels much better when we return. After a short while, Thai will improve greatly. He will go into what has been called the “Honeymoon period” around here. Everything becomes interesting and exciting for a few months. There may be  periods of homesickness, but usally short and not so consuming. Then the homesickness sets in again, although probably not as intense as what you are experiencing right now.  That’s where my wife is at the moment. With her it is usually not so apparent on the surface, but revealed from her lack of interest in things. Sometimes the tears will come. I must say that she has done much better than I would have. Having her sister nearby and a trip planned to see her family in the Philippines in a few months, has also helped lift her spirits. Most people seem to take up to two years before they do really well. A job to occupy some of Thai’s time (especially when you are working) may prove to be very helpful.

Stay strong and good luck,

Dave H.

[Lori]

... in response to Going through it..., posted by Dave H on Mar 14, 2002

I think if we knew eachother in real life, Dave, You'd be like a bother to me---older brother !!

[Dave H]

... in response to Re, posted by Lori on Mar 16, 2002

Hi Lori,

Thanks! That's an honor! And boy would I have fun teasing you. ;o))

Keep up the good work, you're doing fine! Love, patience, and communication...and whatever else you can think of. Tell Thai that I said hi. At first, whenever my wife would cry or become upset...I thought it was something that I did. Now I just kindly smile at her and hold her gently.

Dave H.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Going through it..., posted by Dave H on Mar 14, 2002

.. bicyle rides and walks in the park are fine for us Floridians and Californians, but Lori lives in the the northern central part of the US - Remember what Michigan was like in March? It's gotta be tough on a guy from the tropics.

-- Jeff S.

[Lori]

... in response to Dave ..., posted by Jeff S on Mar 15, 2002

Yes, Thai is a pop-cycle in disguise. The first night here he said he was cold. So I was really nice and turned  the heat up to 75. BIG MISTAKE!! He watched how I did it and a few hours later ,after I really started sweating bad, I realized he had turned up the heat to 90!! We compromised and now the heat sits on 80. He wears long sleaves and sweats and I wear as little as I can *wink*

[Dave H]

... in response to Dave ..., posted by Jeff S on Mar 15, 2002

You're right Jeff!

ROFL I forgot there's not a whole lot of snow in Vietnam and the mid-west doesn't have much of a monsoon season. )) Better to take those walks in the mall.

Dave H.

[Howard]

... in response to Going through it..., posted by Dave H on Mar 14, 2002


... The Filipino Food Store we found was HUGE!!! in Ayesa's adjustment!  It seemed to make her WAY more comfortable to deal with foods she knew how to cook and that tasted like she expected them to.  Several times I would ask her is she wanted something in particular for dinner--a Hamburger, Spaghetti, Pork Chops, Steak, etc...--only for her to act disinterested.  When I was close to finished making whatever I was, she would start to come around sniffing and end up eating, and liking, whatever I made for me.  I learned quickly, that whether she "Said" she was hungry or not, I certainly would be, if I didn't cook for two :c)  LOL  Little things confused her.  I don't think she knew what I meant at first when I asked her if she wanted me to make a hamburger for her, because she never made one before.  You get them at Jollie Bee or McDonalds and they're not Hamburgers, they're Big Macs or Quarter Pounders, etc...  Little things can be the source of great frustration for her.

Again... we are all pulling for you guys :c)

Keep the Faith :c)

H

[Lori]

... in response to Oh YEAH!  I forgot that one..., posted by Howard on Mar 15, 2002

THAI HATES MY COOKING!! Nothing taists as good as it does in Vietnam. But he'll eigther have to learn to cook, or he'll just have tolearn to love it...hehe
There is a vietnamese store here and we went but he did'nt buy much.
He is really having a problem, I think, taking my money.

[Dave H]

... in response to Oh YEAH!  I forgot that one..., posted by Howard on Mar 15, 2002

Hey H,

Another thing I forgot to mention is my 4 month old niece (brother's daughter). My wife and her sister are having a ball taking care of her. In fact, she is here right now. I sure wish I was a Filipino baby! ;o) It has helped my wife and sister-in-law GREATLY in dealing with the pain of leaving their 5 year old niece (whom my wife was raising) back in the Philippines.

I'm getting ready to go to the Filipino store to buy Chippy and some sort of shrimp chips. I think we're running low on lumpia wrappers. My wife is going to make me some atsara.  Mas sarap! I may have to pick up a San Miguel...or two ;o))

Your faith may very with your mileage...seems like I've been retreaded. ;o))) Faith Once More!

Dave H.

[Ray]

... in response to Also..., posted by Dave H on Mar 15, 2002

You know, they Still have Chippy's on sale at Seafood City at 2 for a dollar. Also, tabos are $.99, but I still haven't found a purple one for you yet.

We've been eating a lot of grilled salmon lately because it's only $.50 a pound for the whole fish. Last week she told the Filipino fish-cutter that he could keep the head, so I guess the wife is starting to become Americanized already :-)

She just loves those fish tacos if you want me to send you my recipe.

Ray

[Dave H]

... in response to Chippy?, posted by Ray on Mar 15, 2002

Hey Ray,

No tabos...Chippy and Roller Coaster $.75 cents each, San Miguel $9.80 for a 12-pack. I wonder if I can trade them a 12-pack of fine Colt 45 malt liquer :oQ. Along with the above items, I bought some bibingka, frozen lumpia (for emergencies), Maxx candy, dried mangoes and pan de sal. My wife will have to do the real shopping. ;o))

Dave H.

[may10]

... in response to Chippy?, posted by Ray on Mar 15, 2002

Opportunity finally!!!!  *s*

Anyone knows a store in Denver that sells those things you mentioned?

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Chippy?, posted by may10 on Mar 15, 2002

I am so happy for you that you found your Mr. right man.  Good thing you didn't give up and lost hope.

Are these guys on the board are invited? (o;o)

Best wishes!

Sally & Jim

[may10]

... in response to Congratulations May! ...........Sally, posted by Jimbo on Mar 16, 2002

Salamat, Sally.  *s*

Didn't expect this much reaction.....was just glad someone mentioned where  "tabo"  was available.  *grin*  Mahirap kasi hanapin ng isang lalaki na hindi filipino yan....lol.  Nahihirapan na syang maghanap nyan para di na raw ako mahirapan pag-dating dyan. lol

Sorry, guys,  have to say that in Tagalog. Though I know some of your sweeties can very well translate that, it still feels different when posted in english.  

Mea culpa.