Questions

[panther]

There appear to be many happy couples here so I will ask these general questions to the people coming to this country.  Are your overall plans to bring your whole family here?  Do you feel pressured to bring the whole family here?  Are you expected to send money to support the family on a regular basis or is this done on your own?
My marriage has failed and it seems like from day one after my wife arrived here there was constant talk about the family in the PIs having money problems and the need to petition them over here.  I know it is honorable to help your parents but it would seem like you would be devoted to your husband first and then when your relationship was solidified you would discuss helping those members of the family who needed it.  One distrubing issue was that the money was not managed wisely and one family member even diverted money to support his mistress and her family. Yet they wanted money sent to them. There was also talk of setting up a fradulant marriage to bring another member here. I knew that the family eventually would like to come to the USA but I didn't realize it took precedence over our marriage.  I now believe my wife was pressured into marrying me to please her family and to bring them over here through me.  She appeared unhappy here from day one and at first I blamed myself but I have since learned from others that her main goal was to come to the USA and that the best way to do that was to marry me.  It seemed like if you really loved someone you would say "I am happy I married Joe and came to this country" rather than "I needed to get here so I decided it was best to marry Joe."  One twice married filipina said " I was young and naive when I first married and came to this country."  I don't know how typical all of this is but it sure differs from the experiences I read about here on this site.

[Ray]

... in response to Questions, posted by panther on Feb 20, 2002

As far as petitioning the whole family, that is not really a practical choice. After she becomes a U.S. citizen, she can petition her parents and siblings, but only the parents will have a chance to emigrate. For brothers and sisters, the last I heard it was taking around 23 years from the Philippines. I’ve seen recent estimates that brothers or sisters from the Philippines will die of old age before their visa number comes up under current quotas.

Most of the elderly parents that I know of that came to the States weren’t really happy living here and a lot of them went back home in their later years. I think most of them would feel more comfortable living in the Philippines with a decent income.

Ray

[Bear]

... in response to Questions, posted by panther on Feb 20, 2002

It's been a long time since my last post. Bear is at work so I just kinda sneak around here:)) and I also want to say something about this matter. I seem to be a realistic person and being married to an American is quite a fantasy to me especially on how I met my husband. It has never occured to me that I would end up coming to America as well as never did I plan to bring my whole family here and never would I. If they want to come here, they would have to work for it. Ya'll know I had some problems with my family back when I was still in Davao but bringing them here is not one of them. We never talk about it(bringing them here). Because of that problem that I had with them, they no longer expect anything from me but my husband is so kind and generous that he insisted on sending them money each month for my brother's college and the rest to be spent on other things they needed.

Like any other couples here, Bear and I had also discussed about money matters when we were still dating. Money for family support and stuff like that should not be the reason for marrying an American. I think there is only one valid reason for getting married whether to a foreigner or a fellow filipino--LOVE! I've been very happy, lucky and surely blessed enough to be able to find the best husband in all of Heavenly Father's creations. Being with him just makes each day a beautiful day. It wouldn't matter where we live, what matters most is that we are in each other's arms, loving each other.

have a great day everyone!!!

Bear's Honey

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Questions....Honey, posted by Bear on Feb 20, 2002

Hi Honey,

"I think there is only one valid reason for getting married whether to a foreigner or a fellow filipino--LOVE!"

My wife and I agree with you 100%. A Filipino coworker asked my wife why she married an American instead of a Filipino. He knew that she could have easily come on a work visa. She told him, "Because I love him with all of my heart." He just stood there dumbfounded without a response. Some people just don't have a clue as to what it's all about...

Dave H.

[Febtember]

... in response to Questions, posted by panther on Feb 20, 2002

Before I came here I talk to my sister and brother why I want to marry my hubby because I truely love him.But I told each and everyone of them not to make me a milking cow here.I know that maybe my brother's and sister's might thought I did this for them and I can't refuse or I can't say no if ever they need something from me especially money matters.I talk to my mother,sister's and brother not to expect anything from me coz I have no plan to work here for them but my greatest plan is to have a wonderful,happy and successful marriage.Of course my family never expect any help from us since I told them already.My hubby never did make any promises to them,iether my family never to talk him about some financies.All they want for me is that I'll be always happy here and not feel that I was force to marry my hubby because I want to help  them.We never talk about bringing my whole family here iether.I know they have no plan to live here.My closest niece dream to came here in U.S.A ,since she dream about it she should do it by herself.
My hubby saw how hard to live in Philippines.He see and stay in our very old house,see how mom and I work hard for our living.When I arrived here and right after we got married my hubby send money to my mom to build her new house.I feel totally shock coz we never talk about it.I feel really shy and keep bringing that I can't pay him back but he has a kind and thoughtful heart.He told me he never need any repay coz it's his gift to my mom for letting me  came here plus he was thinkin about having a nice and more convenient house when go back there for our vacation.Mom have nice and fancy house now and one of my brother help building the house as well.My family back home feel really happy for my hubby  for his thoughtful,generous and very kind not only to me but my family.The only things my hubby ask for me is that I will never work here and just be a plain housewife.
I always tell my family back home that it's not that easy to have money here also.My hubby never pick it in the ground but pick it in our corn and soybeans(just kidding) but work hard for it.

[SJ]

... in response to Questions, posted by panther on Feb 20, 2002

My wife asks me to respond for her. For her, the overall plan was selfish and didn't include a hidden agenda. Only to marry me and begin her life as a happily married woman in the relationship she's dreamed of. She's never talked of petitioning any one here, it's not even a thought. From the age of 12 until she came here at 25, she was the breadwinner and matriarch of the family. Her siblings are now grown up with one sister still in school.We do support her school needs and also send some money to help with SPECIFIC needs ie., clothes, a bicycle for a nephew etc. not an allowance for the family to fight over. We've agreed to help the other sister and any neices, nephews with school AS LONG as they keep good grades. One sister recieves the funds and distributes accordingly. The adults are on their own. My wife believes they should all be responsible for themselves and by putting our financial assistance into their education is the best thing to do.
 We had one incident shortly after she came here. Her father wanted to borrow money for working capital for his woodworking buisness(constantly floundering). My wife refused as she's already loaned him P20,000. He called my wifes aunt(his sister), who lives here in the states, borrowed $300 and they made my wife the obligator to the loan. Needless to say, that didn't set well with her or me. It didn't cause any riff between us, but a situation that will NEVER happen again.
    After going to several Fil-Am functions, we both noticed how many filipinas were on a second or even third marraige and to look at some of them, the first thought that came to mind was HIGH MAINTENANCE. One the other hand we met several ladies here less than a year and miserable. One girl was living with her husband in their car wondering aimlessly while another girl worked for her husband w/no pay. She was 3 mos. pregnant and what few $$ she's seen, was considered a loan, so there's more than one story.
  Just like the motives of some filipinas are less than noble, so are the motives of some of the men they travel half way around the world to be with. SJ

[greg]

... in response to Re: Questions, posted by SJ on Feb 20, 2002

It's true, people should withhold judgement when Guys Post Blasting his Mahal as a Golddigger and Greencard Shark without hearing her story. In fact as You stated Guys abuse and take advantage of his Mahal, etc..so she  decides to leave. greg

[SJ]

... in response to Good Post SJ, posted by greg on Feb 20, 2002

Taking advantage and abuse of a foreign bride happens much more often than most would like to admit. It's a subject that seems almost taboo to discuss, at least here. For every green card shark story I read about here, I'm aware of 2-3 bad to horrific situations that filipinas are dealing with. When a guy posts here or on Mag with his story, he's met with sympathy, condolences and pearls of wisdom, yet when a filipina has posted,usually with "I have a friend" she's met with "must be a gold digger, go back home. This has happened consistantly in the two years I've been around these boards.
    On the other side of the coin and probably the reason most of us have done or are doing what we are. Since my wife came here, about a year ago, she has made close friendships with 5 other filipinas. They all married only once and between them have 140 years of marraige. It's that kind of wisdom thru experience we can all use. SJ

[greg]

... in response to Re: Good Post SJ, posted by SJ on Feb 21, 2002

I used to be one of those Guys that jumped on the bandwagon whenever a Guy posted with those one-sided "Oh Pity, Poor Me" stories. Noooo more. From now on, my comments would be that without hearing the other side from his Mahal there is nothing to say. I'm not worried about the so called Poster getting upset with me, becuz I know there are countless Happy "I have found and been found by Love and Happiness abroad stories" than the "Pity me Stories". Plus it's no good for my own frame of mind to think negatives about the Pinays, becuz I realize that I'm hurting only myself. If Guys want a Pinay, they must learn to Love them no matter what bad tsismis(gossip) being posted by Guys. It's better to join the bandwagon of successful Guys. Ray is right that Guys only make themselves look like Fools and Losers with their negative Whinning against Filipinas. Time to shake the negatives off and move on to positive thinking. Anyway, I'm happy for You and Your Mahal that you both found true Love and Happiness. ) greg

[SJ]

... in response to Re: Re: Good Post SJ, posted by greg on Feb 21, 2002

It sounds like you'll meet with success this time around. During my search, I took to heart many of the warnings posted and it helped to an extent, but I, in my way had to keep it in perspective to my situation and the person I was dealing with. I began to question and scrutinize every word and deed early in the relationship with my now wife. I was beginning to presume guilt by association, paranoia was setting in. I was beginning to believe those that said you might be happy now, but just wait and see! She'll do to you what mine did to me.
   One guy was posting his story of failure and it was one sentence/admission he made that stuck with me and I swore to myself not to make the same mistake. It was "The red flags were there all along, I just chose to ignore them" Here's a guy laying out all the things that SHE did, yet was willing to accept responsibility for the end result. Months later in a different thread I made a comment to another guy that just perhaps he may have played a part in the end of his relationship, his response was to e-mail me with threats of physical violence. Now if an anonymous stranger can get him that worked up, I can only imagine.....That was the last time I posted here.
  It's good to see the tone has changed from confrontational to informative and that can only translate to better understanding and informed decisions by the folks that utilize this site. Good Luck in your persuits, the past does not equal the future.   SJ

[greg]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Good Post SJ, posted by SJ on Feb 21, 2002

How I was feeling about my Mahal after reading all those "Pity, Poor Me" stories from Guys. Those kind of stories from respected Veterans can really destroy other Guy's relationships with their Mahal, becuz Guys start believing what happened to this Guy gonna also happen to Him, the problem is that we only hear His one-sided story and not hear from the Pinay. Maybe the Filipina had no choice but to leave the Guy..Then he start Hollering Golddigger, Greencard Shark to mask his own Failure as a desirable Hubby. greg

[panther]

... in response to SJ Exactly, posted by greg on Feb 21, 2002

Both good and bad stories should be posted on here to represent an accurate picture.  Your language is rather volatile.  You used the terms "greencard shark" and and "gold digger" several times in these threads.  I also noticed the words "fools" and "losers" used in addition to the term "Pity poor me" stories.  You also made the comment that "these kinds of stories can really destroy other guys relationships with their Mahals".  A strong committed relationship can be destroyed by reading posts on Planet Love?  I don't think so. I enjoy reading both the success and failure stories so I can get the complete picture.  Let's hear everyone's experiences but lets avoid using hurtful words and phrases.

[SJ]

... in response to Lighten up, posted by panther on Feb 21, 2002

True, a strong committed relationship probably won't be affected by any postings here, but for a person just starting in the search of a relationship (lurking for advice) can easily be led to fear the worse. Mainly due to the constant and regular use of hurtful words and phrases by a small minority of posters, even to the point of chest beating and "it's my mission to expose the guilty". I used to think that if the CFO used some of the posts here to generalize the attitude of AM,that would surly lighten the load at St. Lukes and the embassy. Fortunatly, the constant negatives seem to have become a thing of the past. There's nothing  volatile when someone uses certain words to describe his own negative attitude, actions, errors in judgment and paraphrases someone else, especially the same words that have become other posters trademarks. It takes alot more grit to admit your own mistakes than to judge someone elses.
     On the other hand I, and I'm sure other guy's would like to comment on how great it can be, but who'd believe it, other than those with the same success?. I pinch myself everyday. It would sound to much like bragging. That's better left to people like Febtember   SJ

[panther]

... in response to Re: Lighten up, posted by SJ on Feb 22, 2002

A person starting a search for a new relationship should not be "easily led to fear the worse" by reading some negative posts on the internet but should accept the fact that along with the many successes there are some failures and risks involved and should start the search based on that premise.  The success stories should motivate the lurker to start the search.  The failure stories should motivate the lurker to search prudently.

[greg]

... in response to Lighten up, posted by panther on Feb 21, 2002

If I don't like a Poster, I just don't read his Posts. Sooo skip my Posts if they offense You..Your not forced to read them. Btw, I was talking to SJ. Sometimes Posters talk tooo much about negatives, time to move on. Maybe You felt that I was talking about You, but I kinda believed your stories. Just want you to know my Posts as nothing to do with You. greg