Some might find this interesting :c)

[Howard]

Well, it’s been a while since I updated you guys on the rebuilding process that has become
my life.  Actually, I couldn’t have expected it to go this well in my wildest dreams!  And
my dreams, as you well know, can get kind of wild ;c)  LOL

I am waiting for my lawyer to call me with the court date that will finalize my Annulment.
I am assuming it will be in March or early April.  Whenever it comes, I welcome the
finality.  

I see Ayesa from time to time.  Of course, she looks better than I have seen her in a long
time, simply because she is smiling.  I am past the hurt.  I take the smallest amount of
satisfaction in the moral victory, that I have finally been able to give her something she
wants.  I have let her off the hook.  I only pray that her parents are as merciful on her.  I
have not heard from them in months.  I can only assume that they know what’s going on.
I made a promise to Ayesa that I would not communicate with them until she leaves.  I
will honor that, but I will write them when this is all over.  I have things that I would like
to say to them and I also plan on taking the blame for our troubles, to try and help them
accept Ayesa home, rather than turn their backs on her as they have threatened.  Now, I
haven’t directly heard that threat, but it’s pretty obviuosly been made from the things that
she says.  If I can make them believe that it was me that was at fault, maybe Ayesa can
patch everything up with them.  I want to at least try and do that for her.  What do I care
if they hate me?  They’ll never see me again.

As you all know, I have been going through this for a LONG time.  It was barely August
when things started to become clear to me.  By September I had done enough digging to
know what the score was.  Nevertheless, I still feel guilt.  Nevertheless, I still feel
responsibility.  It was December that Art selflessly intervened and hope was restored, only
to be obliterated upon her return by her determination to to give up and demand a divorce.
Needless to say, I was emotionally broken and furious all at the same time.

Through everything I see her for what she is.  A confused little girl who feels lied to and
betrayed by the only people she’s ever really loved, her parents.  We will never know the
exact story.  We will never know whether intentions were good or bad and in whose best
interest everything was done in.  Because it’s my nature, I choose to believe the least evil
possibilities.  That her parents were trying to help her better her future and believed that
marriage would help her, while helping her brother and sisters.  Funny, all the help--ie
Money--went to them, but I still don’t believe it was the plan.  It really doesn’t matter
what the deal was, the end result is still the same.  It just makes it easier for me to take if I
believe in my scenario.

WELL... This is all leading somewhere, I promise :c)

In December, when I was most confused and angry, all I could think of was how to get on
with my life.  After Ayesa left, it was the jolt that I needed to tell me what so many of you
were already saying.  We were done and there was nothing more I could do to save the
marriage.  I could fight and prolong the end, possibly making things uglier for me or I
could just give up and start rebuilding my life.  Obviously, I decided on the latter.

In December I joined Cherry Blossoms.  Mainly, because it get’s talked about alot on
here... I knew the name already.  I admit I was uncharcteristicly jaded and skeptical, but it
was a bit fun to meet people with similar interests.  

At first I was striking out.  I wrote to a few women whose profiles atttracted me and even
though they promised timely replies in their profiles, I got none.  I was starting to hear the
words of my Counsellor, “No one does this for love, it’s crazy to think that a young girl
would really want to be married to someone ten or more years her senior!  It’s purely
economic... ”  I started to fear that the more educated Filipinas wanted more than I had to
offer and I was petrified of the same thing happening if I hooked up with someone similar
to my wife.

I went to CB Chat and opportunities became more plentiful, but I had a hard time getting
past my skepticism.  I was just being myself, but I was being very, very careful.  One red
flag meant I was gone.  Too many fish in the sea!  This time I HAVE to be sure or at the
very least, I have too have very little doubt in order to consider proceeding.

I met a couple very nice young ladies and was completely honest about my state of mind
and marital status.  One couldn’t abide and dropped my like a hot potato and one was
sympathetic, but had isssues of her own.(She was jilted by a Canadian who was leading
her on right up until the time he was supposed to come to visit)  She was nice and very
attractive, but she was looking for reasons to distrust me.  While I understood, it got old
quickly.  She was also obviuosly talking to a few other guys and was constantly getting
details mixed up.  During and hour convesation I would spend twenty minutes refreshing
her memory about me, twenty minutes denying that I was the Canadian, ten minutes telling
her it was ok and ten minutes actually getting to know her.  Like I said, it got old

I was feeling pretty defeated and considered leaving CB and then I met the most
wonderful young lady I have ever talked to!

While in Chat, mostly just cracking jokes with and about the other guys in Chat there :c), I
got private messaged by a young lady.  The more we talked, the more I wanted to talk to
her.  It was definitely different than with others I had met there.  She was charming to say
the least!  She was intelligent, funny and refreshingly pleasent to talk to.  No apologies for
bad English, her English was excellent.  No trick questions.  No thinly veiled accusations.
From her I got nothing but genuine interest and good natured conversation.  We talked
about our families, my disaster of a marriage, her failed relationship that led to her signing
up at  CB, our friends, goals, dreams, etc...

After talking for about five hours, she sent me to her profile and I emailed the picture that
wasn’t yet posted to my profile.  I found her to be attractive physically and she lied and
said I was handsome too :c)  LOL

We went on like this for weeks.  We talked at least once a day for a few hours and
sometimes twice.  On the weekends we would hook up for long sessions, as well as on her
days off.

I can honestly say that we have shared more with each other in just these short months
than my wife shared with me in our two year correspondence and eighteen month
marriage.  We have tackled every topic pertaining to the escalation of our realtionship and
I am planning to visit her this summer as soon as everything is final with my annulment
this spring.

She is older, she is twenty-five, than my wife and infinately more mature.  She has a
decent job running an internet cafe in her home town and was in college for a few years
before she took a job.  Even though we are from vastly different worlds, we have alot in
common.  And, more importantly, our personalities compliment each others well.  I think
the thing that makes me feel most comfortable with her is that she is skeptical as well.  We
both feel a growing bond, there’s NO denying it, but neither of us is acting blindly, which
is reassuring in a way.

I know that the consensus here is that it’s impossible to fall in love with someone that you
have never met.  And I must agree that it does make sense when discussed, but I am
begining to have very deep feelings for this young lady and have been assured that they are
mutual :c)

She has been very supportive if me at a time when I needed a pleasent diversion :c)  And
we are both looking to the future with our eyes open.  We have a very open and honest
dialog going between us and I can’t wait to see how this progresses in person.

I know that I have some unfinished business, and keep her informed of my situation.  I am
personally a little shocked by the timing of this friendship, but I’m not going to sabbotage
something that has all of the ingedients that I treasure in a relationship.

I even told her about PL and invited her here.  If you guys are nice to me on this, she
might even reveal herself :c)  LOL

I just thought it was time to share this with my friends here :c)

Keep the Faith!

H

[Tim]

... in response to Some might find this interesting :c), posted by Howard on Feb 25, 2002

So nice to stop by PL and find updates from you and Art....

I am going to make my reply to you without reading everyone elses, but it looks like alot of people had comments.

I'm pleased to hear things are progressing smoothly for your annulment. That's a HUGE advantage in starting a new life.

Howard, I admire your sense of fair play (always have), but IMHO you should shed yourself of this "falling on your sword" mentality. You owe Ayesa NOTHING. You should NOT falsely admit to being at fault in the marriage just to make her future life easier. If you do this, you are becoming part of the lies she's woven/participated in, and you undermine your whole "moral high ground" that has held you together through this mess. Don't cheapen the HONOR you've used as your emotional armor by doing something like this. If you do, you will come to regret it later, trust me.

Sorry man, nothing personal, but that's the way I see it.

You don't have to make things tough on her, but for the love of God don't take the blame for her. And NEVER put something like this is writing. It could come back to haunt you in several different ways. Ok, nuff said.

On the subject of your new interest....I'm happy for you, but my advice is to go very very very very slowly. If you don't think you are on the rebound, you almost always are. The very fact that you joined CB and are targetting the RP again so quickly is all the proof I need. I fear that you might be doing this as some subconcious attempt to justify all the time, effort, and money you put into learning about the country and culture.

Why can't you just take a year off (at least) and concentrate on learning about Howard ? Starting up a new relationship so quickly is just going to distract you from finding out what you need to know about YOURSELF. After my divorce in 1995, I took 3 years to get to know myself before I was ready to start my quest for a soul-mate. I'm not saying you need to take 3 years, but you should take a good long time "for yourself", without the distraction of a new budding romance.

Ok, I've probably gone beyond two cents of advice. Sorry if this sounds lecturing. but I am counting on our long history to help you understand where I'm coming from. You know I'm pulling for you, and just want to give you my honest perspective on what I see in your current situation.

Regards, Tim

[Howard]

... in response to Delurking to give ya my .02, posted by Tim on Feb 26, 2002

T-Bone,

Nice to see ya old friend :c)  It makes me feel very popular to know that it's usually my posts that wake you from your internet slumber :c)  LOL

Don't worry, I completely understand where you're coming from and appreciate your candor.  YES, our friendship gives you that liscense :c)

I think your advice is sound, but I just can't follow it.  If the death of my marriage came suddenly, then I might need time to heal. The reality is that I was preparing for this for a very long time.  I have done my soul searching and am truely ready to move forward.  Yes this seems to have happened quickly--I know it, she knows it--but I am ready for this.  

You know, maybe better than anyone, how seriously I take everything.  I was determined in the begining to not involve someone else before I KNEW I could go through the necessary steps when I felt the right one came along.  Remember?  Well nothing has changed :c)

The reality is, I do know myself.  I know exactly what I want and, maybe more importantly, I know exactly what I need.  I joing CB after a few months of local internet dating services, when it became clear to me that nothing had really changed in the dating world.  Too many screwed up people, carrying scars from past relationships and looking for more than they have to offer in return.  Trust me, hold Wendy tight and thank God that you are not dating!!!  LOL

Seriuosly... when I went to CB I was just looking.  I admit I was looking for closure with Ayesa and I thought that a new relationship might be just what the doctor ordered, but that is not what this is.  I can't explain it any other way except to say that I have already thought of everything you mentioned--except about the falling on my sword stuff.  Dave and Ray said the same thing and I think you guys are right.  Thank you for opening my eyes :c)--and know that I am not in any sort of justification mode.  My feelings for Gerlie stand on their own.  She is honestly everything I have been looking for in a wife, but never found.  I agree that the timing is suspect.  I know how it might look to someone who doesn't know me better...

My first priority is to her.  I don't want to involve her in my life for selfish reasons, she is too special for that.  If I was not ready, there are plenty of young ladies just looking to pass time on Cherry Blossoms.  Meeting her is what forced me to really think about what I want.  She is too special to let slip away simply because our relationship began just as my last relationship ended.  This is not lonliness or grief talking.  Trust me, old friend, I am as in possesion of my faculties as I have ever been :c)

We are both in this with our eyes open.  We are both hoping for the best, but being cautious in our optomism.  I have had enough time getting to know Howard.  He's a good guy, but needs to get on with his life :c)  I wish that I had things more taken care of when this relationship came along, but I'd be a fool to push it aside just because of it's timing :c)

Please give my best to Wendy!  Your opinion is ALWAYS welcomed!

Keep the Faith T-Bone ;c)

H

[Tim]

... in response to Here's some change :c)  LOL, posted by Howard on Feb 26, 2002

Ok, you are the pilot of your own destiny. Just keep both eyes open this time. Let no red flag go unchallenged.

I am following your advice too. Wendy is the most wonderful wife a guy could hope to have, and I'm holding her tight. Somedays I wake up and just can't believe the life I have is real, especially when I think back to the mess it was a few times in the distant past.

I'll keep checkin' on ya here, so keep postin'.

Regards, Tim

[panther]

... in response to Some might find this interesting :c), posted by Howard on Feb 25, 2002

I'm glad you're finally on the road to recovery and moving on with your life.  I had a bad situation about the same time as you and when these things first happen your whole world is turned upside down and everything seems hopeless.  It's hard to explain to someone who has never been through this. But life goes on and your life improves.  I think of the U2 song "Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of".
I strongly agree with the other posters that you should go on with your life now and don't worry about your ex and her family.  You have endured enough pain and hurt.  You are entitled to some happiness now.  Concentrate on your new friend and good luck.

[Howard]

... in response to It's nice to hear you are doing good, posted by panther on Feb 25, 2002

Thanks Panther :c)

Now when are we gonna get some news from you?

Keep the Faith

H

[panther]

... in response to I see your point..., posted by Howard on Feb 26, 2002

I am a survivor.  I now have a job for half of what I made before but I am still looking and at least working.  Much better to have a job when going through a divorce than to not have one and have to take a second out on your house or borrow from your retirement.  I am paying a high toll emotionally, mentally, and financially for such a short marriage but there are many people worse off.  I just want to get out of this ASAP and maintain a relationship with my daughter.  I won't be pursuing an overseas romance again.  It's not for me.  It's working for others so that's good for them.  I am friends with my first wife(American white woman) and can find the right person for me in this country if I decide to remarry.  I wasn't looking for overseas romance but was introduced by an acquaintance.  I am glad things are now working out for some of those who had disappointments.  I read the post from gerlie and it looks like you have found the right person.  Thanks for all your inputs.

[Howard]

... in response to The news is........, posted by panther on Feb 27, 2002

Hey Panther,

Glad to see you're in decent spirits :c)  Ya know, my first reaction--when everything finally set in about my seperation and impending divorce, now an annulment--was that I wouldn't be able to do the pen pal thing again.  Then I started looking and let some of my friends try to hook me up.  And I thought my marriage was a disaster!  LOL  After a while it became clear to me that the same things that made me look overseas in the first place had only gotten more adundant in my dating absence.  I planned on taking my time, but Gerlie popped up out of the blue and was just too cool to pass up ;c)

Whatever you ultimately decide to do, we will support you.  I hope you keep us updated and that you find not only what you're looking for, but what you deserve :c)  I guess, I'm just trying to say don't let one bad expirience, albeit a large bad expirience, taint you toward everything Filipino.  There are way more good women than bad there, I have felt that all along.  But, you will decide what is best for you and your friends will support you.  I'm just saying, if your wife was the only negative you found, maybe you shouldn't be so quick to discount it as a viable option for the future.

Keep the Faith Brutha!

H

[panther]

... in response to Ya know..., posted by Howard on Feb 28, 2002

Hey Howard thanks so much for your kind words and good advice.  You really lifted my spirits up as I was hurt by the news that my wife is being used and living with an unemployed married man and I was told by a relative that I shouldn't send the wife anymore money.  Actually I had hoped after the court had settled the custody, visitation, and support issues, I would hold off on filing for the final divorce on the hope of counselling and a reconcilliation.  The news I received yesterday changed all that and gave me much hurt knowing that my wife was having intimate relations with another man she supposedly just met.  My daughter is exposed to all this and what does it portend for her future?  I told my lawyer I want the divorce done ASAP.  Despite all this your post gives me hope and I most certainly do not hold all Filipinos in a bad light based on my individual experience.  After I get this sorted out and heal and recover I may follow your advice and seek a new pen pal.  I will continue to visit here and read the posts.  Again thank you so much for your words of wisdom and again also congratulations on your new relationship.               Panther

[Taliman]

... in response to Some might find this interesting :c), posted by Howard on Feb 25, 2002

Thanks for the update big guy.
2 is a charm...lol
Dingo/Taliman/Christine

[greg]

... in response to Some might find this interesting :c), posted by Howard on Feb 25, 2002

God is Good. Your being blessed becuz of your positive frame of mind. Keep the posts coming. ) greg

[greg]

... in response to Wow!!! Howard I'm Excited for you.., posted by greg on Feb 25, 2002

Don't write Her Parents any Letter admitting Guilt or Blamming Yourself. As DaveH said..Her family can use your information against You. Just forget about them, you owe them Zero. greg

[SteveB]

... in response to Some might find this interesting :c), posted by Howard on Feb 25, 2002

H man, sounds good, I agree with DaveH, cut the cord, Its time for your ex to grow up and live her own life, you sound like a good guy and deserve a good woman.  Best of luck from steveb and Julietb.

[Bear]

... in response to Some might find this interesting :c), posted by Howard on Feb 25, 2002

Yeah! We find it interesting (hehehe).

Bear

[joemc]

... in response to Some might find this interesting :c), posted by Howard on Feb 25, 2002

Hi Howard, I hope the best for you ,I am glad you are getting over your past.and keep the posts coming