In light of the string below . . .

[kevin]

Well, I lurk here everyday but I seldom post.  Sometimes I'm hesitant to post because of the unwarranted hostile remarks, but sometimes I don't care.

The golddigger/green card shark issue struck me.  In my opinion, this will always be an existing problem which must be avoided.  I'm sure as folks learn to become resistant, agendas can mutated.  This happens to with any sort of bad activity once preventive measures for one method is successful.  The challenge is to protect yourself.

Now my latest personal experience.  You can take it or leave it.  It's been a couple of months already since I ended it with Analyn.  I'm sure glad I did.  At first there were conflicting emotions that she loved me but didn't have the resources to communicate.  Yet there were inconsistencies (long gaps between e-mails, unanswered questions, etc.) that gave me reason to feel doubtful.  From time to time, inferences were made that SOMEDAY I'd have alot of money (after earning my Master's Degree) and could, I suppose, be more generous.  The Iglisia ni Cristo religion was also a reason as to why I think I might be wasting my time with her.

When I ended it, it still made me feel sad to think that I might have broken her heart because of doubts in my mind about her.  She said she'd always love me and that she hoped I could find a woman who loved me like she did.  But the truth of the matter is that this was all a melodramatic act.  If I fell for it, I'd be on my way to a train wreck.  I found out from a friend-of-a-friend, whom long ago I'd introduced to Analyn by e-mail.  The truth of the matter is all this time (over time, the evidence sure was there) she had a regular pinoy boyfriend whom she really loved, but had to make a decision.  She was also hoping that I could give her "the good life" in America.

All these words, poems, etc. were hollow.  The gifts and money I sent over time, intented as expressions and gestures of affections, probably went to entertain and treat Analyn's real love.

Yes this hurts.  I'm embarrassed more than anything that this could be taken this far.  In the beginning, I though me and Analyn had a mutual understanding about trustworthiness.  I thought I knew something about her true character (I was introduced by computer by her friend) too to feel more comfortable entering into this correspondence.

Any lessons learned about this?  Somebody who's determined can say, embellish, or sweettalk at any angle if he/she is determined to extract a benefit from you.  Also the truth is that this is not an uncommon incident.  I'm very selective to whom I talk about this with, because a number of people would throw this in my face and tell me "I got what I deserved for being so stupid!", etc.

Needless to say, I feel much better now than I did during approximately the last nine months of my 1-year correspondence with Analyn.  I'm looking to make new pen-pals now and have introduced myself to several since December, but no responses yet.  When opportunities arise, I also like to meet pinays locally.  Last week I was introduced to one (her sister petitioned her) who recently arrived from working in the Middle East.  When we met, I liked her and wanted to go out with her more.  But she didn't feel the same about me.  Tomorrow, I'll be meeting some more single pinays.  I'll be attending a Valentine's Ball, sponsored by a local, but growing Fil-Am organization.

About the pen-pal route, there are two things that make me uncomfortable.  The golddigger issue is only one issue, one hazard.  But now, political opposition about westerners courting pinays and making laws against it, that annoys me.  If "mail-order-brides" are illegal, than what constitutes a "mail-order-bride"?  It seems that all western guys who happen to be attracted to Filipinas are branded as bad.  I mean it is quite discouraging too think that I can't even legitimately be introduced by picture/personal to somebody.  If In see a personal at a site, I like this girl and would like to get to know her, I do not think I should be made to feel like I'm doing something wrong.  What I ultimately want out of life is a very special loving woman, companion with whom mutual love, affection, and commitment is shared.  I don't think anybody should be restricted about whom to choose for a spouse.  Perhaps there is a wave of nationalism sweeping the Philippines congress. Well, I hope this is just hype. It makes me think of Mussolini's pro-family policy, the policy for Italians to raise large families, so Italians would be larger and stronger in numbers.

- Kevin

[Jeff S]

... in response to In light of the string below . . ., posted by kevin on Feb 15, 2002

Sorry about the past situation, but happy to hear you're back in the market. You seem to have what it takes to acieve your dream, that is, a clear picture of your goals.

-- Jeff

[SteveB]

... in response to In light of the string below . . ., posted by kevin on Feb 15, 2002

Regarding our destiny, who knows whats ahead for all of us.  Are we controlled by luck, karma, or does God intervene to help us.  I guess what I am trying to say is, was I lucky that Vivian's true color's came forth? Or was it God helping me and Juliet find true LOVE?  I do believe, that all any of us can do, is to live our life the best we can, to treat others as best as we can, to thank God for our blessings, and hope along the way that we have more good times than bad!  The biggest thing that is so attractive about pina's, they are so kind to us.  We don't always see that some use this kindness against us.  WE MEN, have been treated like second class citizens for about 25 years( by the way, we allowed this to happen ), so when someone comes along that treats us with kindness, we are open, vulnerable to someone hurting us!  As Juliet and I go thru each day, I realize, I am regaining my personality and my manhood.  What others say and do to me have less effect on my moods, my beliefs.  We men have forgotten, God made us to be men, to be leaders, to be strong.  SO, if your destiny, your karma, your luck brings you to a good woman, treat her like a queen, and treat yourself like a king! And if it doesn't work-out? Be a man, check yourself, correct mistakes and live your life!  Let's all turn to hymn # 12 and sing after this sermon! lol

MY $6.25 worth,

Steveb

[donb2222]

... in response to In light of the string below . . ., posted by kevin on Feb 15, 2002

Hi Kevin,
 Glad to hear that you are doing well and moving on.
While I was in the Philippines I met quite a few of Vilmas' friends, and there is one in particular that you might be interested in.   She has never, ever advertised herself on the internet, so you would be her only penpal.
Out of all of Vilmas' friends, she impressed me as being the most mature. She is 26, intelligient, speaks pretty good English, 5' 2", and about 95-100 pounds.
Write to me at   donb2222@nospam.com
if you would like to know more.

Don

[yc]

... in response to In light of the string below . . ., posted by kevin on Feb 15, 2002

Hi Kevin,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.  I started out and normally post over on the latin board.  But I browse thru the posts here on a regular basis.  I found the posts here to be very informative in addition to the fact that I have an interest in filipinas also.  I did not become an active poster here until about October.

Back in August of last year, I created a profile on Cherry-Blossoms and started to receive emails immediately.  One of the emails happened to be from a filipina and we started corresponding immediately.  It lasted a few months but eventually fell apart.  She was not a scamster by any means.  I broked it off because I had some uneasy feeling about her.  When I eventually voiced my easiness to her she gave me a straight and direct answer.  It turned out the she had recently broken up with her fiancee of 5 years.  I felt she was on the rebound, so I explained to her that I think she should take a time out and let herself heal completely from that relationship.  As she explained it to me, she was really devastated by the outcome of that relationship because the guy left her to marry his high school sweetheart.  The other reason I broked it off was that she was working on a time table... she wanted to be married by the time she turned 25yo(which was January of this year.)  I am not a believer in starting a relationship with someone where they left off with the previous guy.  That is bad karma to me.

You have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about.  The possibility of being taken advantage of and/or having your heart broken is a risk everyone must take in pursuing any relationship.  REMEMBER... YOU ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS... NOT SOMEONE ELSES.  As long as you are sincere and honest about your intentions, you have done your part.  So hold up your head, SMILE :-) and walk proudly.  You done everything within your power.  Listen to Howard, he is absolutely correct about having limited control over ones destiny.  Continue to do the right thing.  Someone will eventually take notice and appreciate you for the person you are.  This is a universe of order.  The pendulum swings in two directions not just one.

Take care :-)

P.S.  BTW, don't let the negative comments get you down.  In light to the flames that have flared-up on the other two boards, the ones here are mild and infrequent by comparsion.

[Humabdos]

... in response to In light of the string below . . ., posted by kevin on Feb 15, 2002

Hi Keven,

Don't let the unwarranted remarks from some of the posters keep you from expressing yourself here or anywhere else. All they see are roses not the reality of things. Keep posting it nice to read something from someone who thinks with his big head than his little head! ;-)

Humabdos

[Howard]

... in response to In light of the string below . . ., posted by kevin on Feb 15, 2002

K~

First of all let me say that I am sorry.  Somehow, in my own private purgatory, I missed what happened between you and Analyn.  It's awful and I feel deeply for you!  I know you're a good guy and we have plenty of similarities in why we personally seek Filipinas for companionship and unltimately, love.  We both got burned, but now wiser, I can't help but feel optomistic that we will be more sure of the real thing when it comes along.  And, being optomistic :c), I know that it will come along.

If this helps, and that is my intention :c), I have found that expecting nothing brings far greater results than digging deeply to find little things that, if properly interpeted, could be justified as "What I was looking for..."  (If that doesn't make any sense, I will try to better explain what I mean.  As soon as I figure out what I just said :c)  LOL

When I was stuck in the midst of the death of my marriage, I didn't see how anything could ever be good again.  I was miserable and self absorbed.  Luckily, it didn't last very long.  Right now, I am actually pretty zen about everything.  I think the best thing I did for myself was to stop worrying about the sense of urgency I personally was feeling and just let things happen in their own time.  I finally realized something that I had refused to belive my entire life, I have no control over my destiny.  Sure there are things that I can do to point myself in the right direction, but that's about the extent of it.  I feel much better now that I have come to that realization.  I haven't given up on anything.  I just stopped trying to force square pegs into round holes to suit my timetable and the feeling that I was missing out on life because I am 35 and unmarried.

I joined Cherry Blossoms and frequent the chat room there.  I met some very nice people.  Some nicer than others and yes, some that made me feel like I was being played.  But all in all, I think it's been the biggest step in my recovery.  The email thing there NEVER works, of course you're a better lookin' guy than moi :c)  Hey!.. that's French ;c)  LOL  But, I found the chat room to be a very positive expirience.

I wish you the best and would be happy to discuss anything privately or here in public that you wish.  I have always thought you were a real good guy and you have always been very supportive of me and my plight.

I hope you start posting more again, I missed you in your absence.

Take Care Bro,

Keep the Faith!

H

[Stephen]

... in response to Welcome Back Kev..., posted by Howard on Feb 15, 2002

Don 22222222222222 stated that his wife had some very nice looking and reputable friends that she could recommend.

I really think the Don's wife could be a good source to get a name from.  You already have someone you trust that can introduce you and speak for her good character.

That's a good service you are providing, Don.

Stephen

[donb2222]

... in response to Hey....Kev & H, posted by Stephen on Feb 15, 2002

Thanks Stephen,
 I think the more a Filipina is exposed to foreigners, the greater the opportunity for her to become a golddigger, or just take advantage of the situation.   There are far too many guys out there that are willing to shower a Filipina with gifts, and the more a Filipina is exposed to them, the more likely she is to take advantage.  I think many times it is the foreigners fault that a Filipina becomes more motivated by money than love.
 That is one of the reasons that I suggest that guys seek out the Filipinas that do not advertise themselves on the internet.  95% of available Filipinas do not advertise themselves on the internet, and I don't understand why a guy would want to compete with the thousands of other guys writing to Filipinas on the internet.
 Just my 2 cents.

Thanks again,

Don

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: Hey....Kev & H, posted by donb2222 on Feb 16, 2002

But if they are not on the internet-brouchure then the American won't know anything about her.

So unless you have a friend who can put you in contact with these ladies, then you have no choice but to go to the internet/brouchure/booklets approach.

Actually, there are a multitude of ways to find a good lady in the pHils.  Some are better than others, but it comes down to you just have to take action and start going forward.

Stephen