I can't believe this really has happened!!!

[Bear]

I was told I had a meetimg with my immediate supervisor about my new job.  I already new they were pleased with my work and were making lots of comments about how glad they were I came to work for them because my skills were really needed and help them fill a major need.  I have only been with them for 11 weeks and I have been working without supervision since the 2nd week (it usually takes 6-8 months in my field).  I racked my brain on why I was meeting with the boss - I thought maybe more training - but my spirit felt very uneasy and my spirit takes good care of me so I listen to its warnings.

I had to miss the 1st meeting beause Honey got sick.  She has been complaining about nausea and dizziness and occasionaly wanting to throw-up but then 15 minutes later she says she feels fine (no she isn't pregnant).  I finally after near two weeks of that decided she needed to see a doctor.  

Missing the meeting really concerned me because I have had to take off quite a few days for Honey (illiness, getting a TIN, etc.) but I knew I was doing a good job and moving ahead very rapidly.  Finally, yesterday morning we were able to meet.  My immediate supervisor brought me into his bosses office for the meeting were he joined us (wow - I really screwed up I thought).

"We have had a few complains about your political-social attitude"..., it started.  

Huh!?

Someone was complaining that they didn't like it that I was happily married to a Filipina 26 years younger than me!!!

Well, I sat and listened to their complaint and basically told them it was none of their business, were they immediately started telling me that they were not mad and I was not in trouble but I should keep quiet about it.

I have applied for a few other positions with other companies in different areas.  I don't need this.

Bear

[A1A]

... in response to I can't believe this really has happened..., posted by Bear on Feb 16, 2002

Bear,
 Are they crazy?  Do they not know that if they are in fact trying to push you out of your job because of your marriage, that is very illegal?
Would have been nice for you to tape record the meeting.  Like you said, it is none of their business personally or legally.  Good Luck.
A1A

[Eman]

... in response to I can't believe this really has happened..., posted by Bear on Feb 16, 2002

I wasn't at that meeting, but what I'm hearing is that management is telling you you're "not in trouble" despite the fact that they "had complaints". It seems to me they are trying to smooth things over because they're dealing with a whiner. They just asked you to "keep quiet about it" which is probably a reasonable response from their standpoint, and not a bad idea in any case. I don't think it's worth changing jobs over it. Of course, the whole situation is unfortunate, but if you can find a company that's free of nuts and PC excesses then, sure, go there.

[Ray]

... in response to I can't believe this really has happened..., posted by Bear on Feb 16, 2002

Well, it’s good that you are looking for other positions. Calling you into the boss’s office to officially warn you about your attitude is usually the first step in a process. Now that warning is ‘on the record’. Next time someone complains, don’t be surprised if you are terminated.

Welcome to life in today’s corporate America.

Ray

[Howard]

... in response to I can't believe this really has happened..., posted by Bear on Feb 16, 2002

B

Dude, that sucks and I feel for you!  I never encountered any negativity from anyone but my wife :c)  Then again, I choose to word things a little differently.

When asked why I looked overseas for a wife, rather than bash AW's--which I personally happen to know several very good wives of friends of mine--I just said that I wasn't finding what I was looking for here, rather than indict our society as a whole.  Don't get me wrong, I do agree with you in principle, but I think it goes deeper than "AW's don't have a clue how to be a good wife..."

I think many Americans--women AND men--have no idea how to be good spouses and have no interest in being a part of a successful relationship.  Many are selfish and have views distorted by the decline of family values in our country.  When it comes to responsibilty, we, as a society, make up convenient reasons why everything bad is someone eles fault, rather than looking in the mirror adn sometimes accepting blame that might not completely be ours to take.

For the longest time, women were treated as inferior to men.  In trying to right that wrong we have bent over backwards, rightly so, and over compensated as we, as a society, tend to do.  It's a vicious circle.

I have to say that I agree with Lori.  Many AM don't make the greatest husbands or fathers.  That cannot be disputed.  Then again, I know more good fathers being taken to the cleaners through child support to their cheating ex-wives, than I do anything else, but I understand that that's just in my peer group and see the other side far too often.

My goal, as I think yours is as well, is to break the cycle.  The only way to do that, for me personally, is to go outside the system that I loathe.  But I know, as well as anyone, that in order to say all AW's are bad wives, I'd also have to be willing to accept that all AM's are bad husbands and fathers, which I know to be untrue.

Chin up Big Brutha... you'll end up on your feet in the long run :c)

If there's anything I can do, just let me know :c)

Keep the Faith

H

[Lori]

... in response to Wow!, posted by Howard on Feb 17, 2002

I was really just trying to be sarcasic in that remark about AMs. I really don't think the majority of them are bad fathers. I know a few who are raising their own.
I was just trying to show Bear that you can't put all American women into one catagory.
Btw--hope everything is going well for you..Lori

[Bueller]

... in response to I can't believe this really has happened..., posted by Bear on Feb 16, 2002

My thoughts on this:

   You say you don´t believe in stereotypes, but you do have your stereotypes about AW. You are rather opinionated, and you share your opinions at work. You´re bound to catch some flak for it.

  When your supervisor asked why you married a Filipina, your response was to make an ugly blanket statement about AW instead of raving about what a sweetheart your wife is. This means that A)you had somehow made your marriage your supervisor´s business by mentioning it in the first place (and if I´m wrong and he brought the subject up, you almost certainly have grounds for a lawsuit based on this encounter), and B) since there are no secrets in the workplace, everyone else heard about it, and your statement "creates a hostile environment".

 (One problem we´ve got in our society is defining discrimination not just by objective standards but by whether a certain behavior or choice of words makes a person "feel uncomfortable/unwelcome" or creates a "hostile environment"-- and the offense is in the eye of the beholder. But since you´re a conservative, you´re not automatically protected from a "hostile environment" yourself. So a feminist can run AM down in the workplace and get away with it unless you really push the issue, but you can´t insult AW and get away with it. Tell people you´re a conservative who likes Rush Limbaugh, and you quickly find out that people who pride themselves on being open-minded and tolerant, aren´t so open-minded and tolerant after all. I know this from my own workplace experience.)

  Here are your choices, as I see it:

1) Don´t talk about your marriage, your views on women, or your political views in the workplace. It´s no one else´s business until you make it their business. And if anyone asks why you married a Filipina, tell him or her how much you love and appreciate your wife and how happy you are with her. I´ll bet your wife would prefer you answer the question that way, too.

2) Be opinionated, and accept the consequences.

3) I´d love to see the male valedictorian of a prestigious high school with a 1600 GPA sue his way into Wellesley, and I´d love to see a good employee who is discriminated against for his marriage to a young foreign woman sue and win for having to endure a "hostile environment" for his "marital orientation ;-)". It´s probably too late at this job, but next time don´t give them anything to hang you with. Instead, let them initiate the harrassment-- then document everything and sue.

  Teo

[The Mog returns]

... in response to I can, posted by Bueller on Feb 17, 2002

Its easy to second guess and say "be careful what you say in the future at your job Bear", but in practice it aint so easy Buddy.
People are two faced. (there, for all  the whiners that think I may be stereotyping, I just included everyone in the world ina blanket statement so Im not stereotyping), people are jealous, people have hidden agendas, people have lived in little sheltered suburban lives and think anything outside of THEIR norm is a bad, bad thing.
None of us know the circumstances that led Bears boss to have "a little chat" with him. But being a manager myself I know that his Boss was probably only covering his rump. Think of him as a glorified babysitter, just trying to keep the peace and maintain a his nice little plain vanilla working conditions and here comes Bear. what he said or didnt say is of little importance. The person (or people) that complained to "The Boss" may not be as outspoken as Bear was, yet they are none the less dangerous and opinionated. Im afraid Bear was simply an "easy mark" for these whiners, him being a new employee and for all we know maybe it had nothing to do with what Bear said. Maybe this lady had been living a long frustrated life and seeing a proud and happy man who happened to be married to a young attractive Filipina simply chapped her hide. Regardless of her (or his) intentions, a manager is then put in a position to either take action or ignore the situation. Ignore the situation and risk future complaints and also risk  accusations of  ignoring the complaint and therby alienating who by the sound of it could have been an established and powerful subordinate. (powerful in "survivor tv show" sense of the word). These people have the power to single handedly drag down morale and productivity if they so desire. Bear, I dont think personally your manager cares about it at all , but he is doing what he has too. My best advice is let a word to wise be sufficient  if this is the kind of people you want to work with every day, or keep sending out those resumes and looking elsewhere for work. But as Ray said, its the same all over, Corporate America for all its sanctimonious Politically Correct BS, merely puts a little smiley face on the facts, and the facts are racism, discrimination, hatred and envy all all still alive and well and thriving in the workplace. You just have to play the game and rise above it.

[stefang]

... in response to Re: I can, posted by The Mog returns on Feb 17, 2002

You really have to be careful what you say near any women on a jobsite. I had a coworker who was speaking to a woman manager and she was flirting with him. He said something that she felt inappropiate and reported him. There were 4 other guys there and they said she actually started it. His hide was saved because of the union. I have had women flirt with me before even get that occasional slap on the behind but if you try it looooooooooooooooooooooook out. AW seem to be built out of glass these days, very fragile.

[The Mog returns]

... in response to Re: Re: I can, posted by stefang on Feb 17, 2002

Not only AW's . I have a small Guatemalan woman that works for me and she baits in new guys by being really friendly with them, then when they feel comfortable with her and start injecting more suggestive comments into their conversations she will do an about face and snake on them. I had to can a couple guys because of her complaints. She also wears low cut shirts then complains that guys are staring at her breasts. However I have tipped off our HR manager of my obsevations in case this ever happened in the future. The workplace has gotten to be a very dangerous place these days. One has to keep aware and neutral and careful of what you say to anyone.

[kevin]

... in response to I can, posted by Bueller on Feb 17, 2002


gays are more protected in the workplace.  Although there are know federal laws protecting gay rights, certain states have laws spelling out such rights.  In Rhode Island, in addition to provisions against discrimination based on race, religion, ethnicity, age (limited), handicap, disability, and SEX, SEXUAL ORIENTATION is added to the list.

Now it sure sounds like a very twisted world if somebody is going to suffer discrimination in the workplace all because of whom he chose for, and the age difference with, a heterosexual MARRIAGE (emphasis on marriage, not DOMESTIC (live-in)) partner.

This reminds me of the story somebody was telling me about the guy who was sentenced to 7 years in prison for picking daisies along a public highway.  His point was that something was really wrong with our society if a man could get a harsh prison sentence for picking flowers, yet there at the same time there are mob murderers on the run because of the defense they could buy.

- Kevin

[yc]

... in response to I can't believe this really has happened..., posted by Bear on Feb 16, 2002

I do not know what to say.  I have heard about this things.  I even know
people(several ones at that) that have expressed their opposition to
interracial marriages.  What surprises me the most is that they(your
employers) were blatant enough to pull you into a meeting to discuss
your marriage to an asian.

As to the attitude that you are receiving I am not surprise the least
bit.  I see it everyday among those I work with... especially those that
hold a very liberal view.  A female co-worker of mine is very critical of
my manager because he married a latina.  The irony in this situation, is
that she(an African-American female) was living with, engaged to, became
pregnant by and had the child of a Caucasian man.  Yet she opposes the
marriage of my manager.  She states that the reason he married this
latina is because he can control her easily.  It is a very contrary
belief system these liberals have.  

Bear, somehow I think this may be the reason why you receiving the type
of reaction you are getting.  In addition when you made the comment,
"that AW do not know how to make good wives" did not help the situation.  
I am not saying or implying that you are that way(controlling or
domineering).  When dealing with very liberal people or those that share
a feminist view, every word that you say is going to be misconstrued or
taken out of context.  It is the cross one bears for being a
conservative.  You have to remember that this is the portrait that are
painted of any man that goes outside of his country to marry.  Dispute
the fact that I am African-American myself, before I decided to take this
route the finding a wife I knew, anticipated and expect to receive the
same reaction you are receiving.

Does your wife know about this?  How does she feel about it?

[Humabdos]

... in response to I can't believe this really has happened..., posted by Bear on Feb 16, 2002

What did you expect Bear?  Anyone can marry a "young girl" in the Philippines! Why bragg about it? Something to brag about is being married to a FILIPINA FOR TWENTY SIX YEARS Not marring someone twenty six younger that yourself. Better get use to it.

Humabdos

[Lori]

... in response to Re: I can't believe this really has happ..., posted by Humabdos on Feb 16, 2002

"AW's haven't a clue on how to be good wives". ---Bear.
If you go around your office and say things such as this no wonder they would want you out. Your generalizing of aw's is what got you in trouble, especially if you work with them. Open your eyes!!!  I really think you are a narrow minded person.

I think you are the type of person who braggs about alot of things, you either do or do not have.

It seems to me that you must  constantly have some type of controversy in your life where it concerns Honey, weather it be with her school, her family, and now your work.

These are my thoughts, go ahead and have a field day...you really need some help with your AW issues.
--Lori

[Humabdos]

... in response to Re: Re: I can believe this  has happened..., posted by Lori on Feb 16, 2002

When is Tie getting here? It looks like i'll be going thru this visa stuff next any helpful hints?

HUMABDOS