RW's with kids vs without??

[petem]

I am fairly new to this scene, and enjoy and am
learning alot from this site. I have been to Russia
last summer and am going back in the fall. I have been
corresponding to several RW's and I have an ad or two
out on various web sites. I get alot of email from
RW's with a child contacting me first and have not
responded.
I really am only looking for an woman without kids,
but want to have my own.
My question is I read about alot of AM who I assume
have not had kids before marrying RW with a child. Did
you seek this out, or did it just happen to occur that
the woman you were most attracted to happen to have a
child?

I never sought it out.

Personnaly it seems most of the 'bad' stories I read
about involve RW with child, and this may be because
her first priority is not the man but her child.

A woman's first priority will always be her child, no
matter what country she's from. Most of the problems
that emerge from these marriages comes from the
difficulty the AM has in understanding the nature of
a stepparent relationship, as opposed to an original
parent relationship. They are two totally, TOTALLY
different things.

think marrying a woman with a child has to add twice
or more of the eventual cost and involve twice the
risk of things going wrong, but I could be mistaken.

I have been only corresponding and speaking to RW that
have the following characterists to increase my odds
of success,

1) She must be learning english (shows desire to
leave)
2) is taller that 165 cm, I am 6' 3" myself
3) her parents must be both living (health is
inherited)
4) her parents must be still married (tends to make
her more stable, take marriage serious)
5) prefer teacher/nurse profession (service/people
oriented, not materialistic)
6) age 28-33 (more mature, more likely to be serious,
not too old to raise 2 kids)

Any comment would be welcome.

[NW Jim]

... in response to RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 29, 2002

I think you're on the right track regarding expectations; I note that your list covers only those items that are physically verifiable. My list looks pretty much the same, except I also am concerned about birth order, is she the oldest child?, ect.

The one angle you need to consider about women in their late 20's+ in FSU is the issue of abortion as birth control; poorly performed abortions can lead to infertility, this is important if you want to have children of your own. Don't know how this is verifiable, but something to think about.

I would think a second list of expectations should address intangible issues such as personality, values, spiritual beliefs, etc.

The other side of the expectations game is just as important. What are her expectations?, are they realistic, can you help fulfill them? Are her expectations based on her current life,or has she watched too many episodes of "Dallas" and think that's what life in the US is. Many expectations are hidden in the subconscious, that's why it's important to take your time with this process.

Expectations, whether realistic or not and our ability to adjust them to reality is the key to happiness. As KenC says below, too many men go into this without any criteria other than beauty. Keep thinking independently!

[petem]

... in response to Re: RW's with kids vs without? Expectati..., posted by NW Jim on Mar 30, 2002

I have to say birth order is something to think about but only with AW's. I havn't met that many RW with siblings.
I prefer AW that are not first born. But RW's I don't think it makes a difference, What do you look for in birth order and why.
Pete

[NW Jim]

... in response to birth order, posted by petem on Mar 30, 2002

Read a book many years ago entitled "The Birth Order Factor" that has influenced my thinking on this; my observation of people shows that it is generally true.

Basic theory is that oldest children/only children are leaders, conform to rules; middle children tend to have good people skills as they are in the middle, and youngest children tend to be the creative/rebel/unconventional.

The second part is that you should not marry someone who is in the same birth order as yourself, particularly if you're the oldest or the youngest. Two people who are the oldest will fight for control, a couple made up of the youngest will be chaotic.

You are right most of the women from FSU are only children; as the oldest in my family I don't care to battle another for control. That is one of the many reasons I'm focusing on latin America and not FSU.

[petem]

... in response to Re: birth order, posted by NW Jim on Mar 30, 2002

I have heard much about this and it well known. But my experince is this which flied on the fact of you prevoius statement.
I am a middle child. My older sister, who is the oldest, married a oldest of 7 and they are doing well after 20 years. My youngest brother is youngest of 4 and is married to someone who is the youngest of 4 and after 13 years same result. I just think you need to be aware of the various factors.
Oldest girls tend to be high achievers and very responsible.
Only child, which seems to be the majority of what I see out there in FSU can't be typecasted since they are common IMHO. Alot depends on the parents, or parent, which brings me back to look for what the parents are doing and you will see the future in the RW.

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Re: birth order, posted by NW Jim on Mar 30, 2002

Definite food for thought.

[Charles]

... in response to RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 29, 2002

As many of the posts below suggest, your criteria may be very restrictive and limit your options, but there's nothing wrong with having high standards.  More importantly, though, it has been my experience that having a woman with children will make for a more satisfying relationship.  Women with children are generally going to be more committed and loyal than those without.  With the age range you are considering she is certainly able to give you a child as well as her own.  I would not restrict myself to single women, particularly, as pointed out below, there is a "stigma" in the FSU attached to women who are not married by a certain date.

[petem]

... in response to Re: RW's with kids vs without??, posted by Charles on Mar 30, 2002

Yes they will be more committed but to their child. I just see alot of competion among the stepchild and the ones you may have together. The reason they are looking to leave is for her childs future maybe more than her future. So the possiblity that she is sacraficing her own desires for her kid is where the problem really begins. This is what I mean by saying you are not and never will be her first priority. Also she wll be used to having alot of help from her mother and other relatives which won't be here.
Of course I see a situation if the child is under 4-5 years old being not as big a problem as if they were 8-12 or so.

[Natalya]

... in response to Re: Re: RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 30, 2002

Petem, in nice loving family there is no and shouldn't be no competition between stepchildren and the ones you share together.Everything, I repeat everything depends on parents. If you are not capable to love your stepchild as much as your own than of course yes, competition will be and you'll be the cause of it. I found out that alot of American treat and love their stepchildren as their own and adopt children even if they have children on their own. Believe me there will be no competition between children if parents treat them equally.

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Re: Re: RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 30, 2002

Lets see - pay double for everything (two physicals, two plane tickets to start), totally change my lifestyle, have some losers kid tell me "Your not my father, so who gives a fu@k what you say," in the near future, open me up to potentially unfounded child abuse charges.  Oh yeah, it is in my interest to take a girl with a child.............I'm glad you guys want them.

[Natalya]

... in response to Why Double?, posted by Bobby Orr on Mar 30, 2002

Oh I see you think that your own child will adore you and respect you and never will say such words to you.Well then who will be looser if you'll hear these words from your own child?There is always a chance.Will ever hear these words either from your own child or stepchild will depend on you as father and nothing to do with "some losers" stepchild.

[Oscar]

... in response to Why Double?, posted by Bobby Orr on Mar 30, 2002

My only wish is that you never find a woman period!  With an attitude like yours, no woman desrves that, no matter what she's like!
Grow up!

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Re: Why Double?, posted by Oscar on Mar 31, 2002

I give you clear and simple facts and you come back with the statement to grow up.  It is obvious that the fact you will be paying double for everything, immediately changing your lifestyle and hoping that the change brings security is bothering you.  Sorry - but that is the choice you, as well as others make.  I'll start off with a clean slate, thanks.

[Oscar]

... in response to Can not handle the facts, posted by Bobby Orr on Mar 31, 2002

C'mon Bobby!  Clear simple facts, you say??  Here are your clear simple facts from YOUR post-

"totally change my lifestyle, have some losers kid tell me "Your not my father, so who gives a fu@k what you say," in the near future, open me up to potentially unfounded child abuse charges. Oh yeah, it is in my interest to take a girl with a child.............I'm glad you guys want them."

Where is there a FACT in one thing you say here!  It only shows that you are prejudging, prejudiced, fearful, paranoid and sarcastic!

I am sorry but as a psychotherapist, a man with attitudes such as yours will have great difficulty being happy with ANY woman, child or not!  Hate to call a spade a spade but your comments scream out for it!  This is why I say to you, "grow up"!  Be a man and accept some responsibility and try love instead of this stuff YOU call "fact", which it most certainly is NOT!

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Re: Can not handle the facts, posted by Oscar on Mar 31, 2002

All you like to do is attack someone who does not agree with you.  I suggest you look into that.  Will you or will you not increase your costs by taking a woman with a child?  Is that not a fact?  Are you or are you not taking a woman who has been divorced?  Has this woman made at least two major mistakes in her personal life already ie. husband failure, child mistake?  Are you or are you not increasing your chance of getting a domestic child abuse charge?  You are afraid of the trouth but facts are facts.  I have no need to attack you personally.  I am just stating facts - which you can not handle.  Sorry Oscar.