Do NOT do this....

[Deckard]

NOTE to newbies!

Be exTREMELY careful when mentioning money to your lady.

I was on the phone last night with my fiance for 2 hours. It was late for me, and I was very tired. And I wasn't thinking all that well.

When Luda seemed to want to say something to me, but would not tell me exactly what yet, I tried to rush her into telling me. After two minutes of asking her to tell me, I became a little impatient, and I told her "Luda, please, tell me now... it is late and this is getting expensive.".

Ho boy... that was the wrong thing to say! Immediately she wanted to get off the phone, telling me it was very expensive. I had to explain for the next twenty something minutes, how the only reason why money is suddenly very important to me now, is because I need to save it up so that we can be together, which is the complete truth. She already knew this, but my words apparently really stung her. And I'm sure most of you know what happens if you say something that hurts your lady, especially if she takes pride in herself and thinks she did not make a mistake in that situation!

She's been upset about it, and it's taking a lot of effort on my part (obviously on hers also) to get things back to normal again.

It's not the first time either, back in Simferopol we had another issue regarding money as well, and it was another obstacle to overcome.

Have any of you guys had a similar experience?

I'd like to hear about it...

Peace,

-Deckard

[Deckard]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002


Thanks for the replies everyone. I gained some insight.

Things are returning to normal. This is not the first time that we've had a scuffle, not by any means. We have always recovered from them.

We both feel so much for each other, yet we are both very sensitive. It certainly makes for powerful moments, both when positive, and when negative.

She is her sweet, cute, adorable self again .

Peace,

-Deckard

[John F]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

I'm still running face first imto them today, and we will soon celebrate our second wedding anniversary.

Shortly after getting married I was talking with a Russian woman immigrant at work.  She was very concerned about our marriage.  I said the standard things.... she cooks Russian Foods and on the weekend I cook American or whatever.  I explained that I get her Russian literature to read, etc.  My Russian coworker said it went far beyond that and she would be surprised if we were still married after five years.

I now realize just what she meant.  I also am smart enough to have realized it quickly and now I just explain to Irina that this is one of those times she is thinking one way and I am thinking another because of the different ways we were raised from a child.  I don't think she would have understood if I had told her that when she was still in Crimea, but now that she lives here, she understands.

I hate to have to tell you this, but this won't be the last.

John

[Deckard]

... in response to It's one of the culture differences..., posted by John F on Feb 1, 2002


True... one must always be vigilant .

It's my policy to not stop until the problem is fixed, and when we're together again, to not go to sleep at night until the problem is resolved.

It's good to know you're approaching 2 years, and all is well.

Peace,

-Deckard

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Re: It's one of the culture differences...., posted by Deckard on Feb 2, 2002

When I was married my wife said we should never go to bed angry.  That usually meant she would argue all night until I agreed.  I would end up going to work very sleepy and she would sleep in.  She would never give up in an argument until she won.  I still hate her for that.

[Paci]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

From times to times these things happends in relationships. You cut her short in a way that she was sensitive for at that evening. I wouldn't call this a "note to newbies". It's about two people adjusting to eachother. In the beginning things can sometime get a little heated, it's perfectly normal.

I can relate to KenC's advice though. Be careful to say bad things. Russians are rather superstitious, they think that what you say will really happend. In some way I think they right though. If you go around and tell yourself all the time that you're broke you'll probably end up being broke (Just a side note on mindset:).

And another thing... It's when you never have any arguments with your new fiancee/wife that you need to be worried. It can mean that either you don't care enough about eachother, or that she's leading you along in some scheme.

[Deckard]

... in response to Just a normal relationship thing, posted by Paci on Feb 1, 2002


Paci,

Well, we're still adjusting to each other, and probably will be for a long time. But at least I think that's normal.

And in her exact words: "Nobody can hurt us as much as people whom we love very much.".

Peace,

-Deckard

[terry]

... in response to Re: Just a normal relationship thing, posted by Deckard on Feb 2, 2002

Hope you do not mind me asking, I think I read where you used the Olenka-club to go over seas to meet a lady. coud lyou tell me about Olga and Eugene? how where they to work with. I have stqarted writing a lady that uses their service. I feel that I read where you had mentioned their name when you were over there

Thank you
Terry

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

Did she ever tell you the other thing that led you to make the faux paux?

[Deckard]

... in response to Just Curious, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 1, 2002


it was on the subject along the lines of intimacy, but it was all good.

Understandable why she was shy, and if I had just been a little more patient, this never would have happened.

But then we wouldn't have had this extra learning experience. These things are going to happen anyways, might as well have them now and learn more about each other sooner.

If it doesn't kill us, it makes us tougher .

Later, Mark...

-Deckard

[MarkInTx]

... in response to yeah..., posted by Deckard on Feb 2, 2002

The (forgettable) broadway show had a line in one of the songs I love:

"I keep learning things I didn't want to know!"

Sounds like you guys will be fine, though...

Let's face it, all women are aliens. There are always breakdowns in communications...

But, oh my! when they take us to their planet...

PS: Have you ever read the book: "Love Languages?"

[Deckard]

... in response to A Line from Chess, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 2, 2002


Hi Mark,

actually, no, never even heard of the book. A good one?

Yeah, we've had numerous instances of miscommunications, both because of language interpretation, and cultural differences, but also because of something more basic... I'm a guy, and she's a woman.

As you said, the way out is through it...

-Deckard

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: A Line from Chess, posted by Deckard on Feb 2, 2002

Yes, it's excellent. I got it in Barnes and Noble. You might also try Christian Book stores, as the author was a christian author.

Bascially, the book can be summed up:

There are five main Love Languages:

1) Words of Praise
2) Acts of Service
3) Gifts
4) Quality Time
5) Physical Touch

Everyone needs all of these to feel loved. But everyone also has a primary love language. When love is expressed in that language, they feel most loved. If they never have love expressed in their primary language, they feel unloved.

This can create a problem when two people's love languages are different.

For instance...suppose a man's love language is Words. But his wife's is acts of service. The man tells his wife all of the time that he loves her. But it doesn't matter to her. She's not hearng him.

Meanwhile, she NEVER tells him that she loves him. But she cleans up after him, does the dishes for him. Even takes out the garbage, which was his job, but she does it because she knows he was working late and so she does it for him.

After a period of time, she's thinking... he doesn't love me at all. He never lifts a finger to help me. Meanwhile, he's thinking, She hasn't said I love you to me one time without me initiating it. SHe must not love me...

And it is a problem. Each of them would be astonished that the other felt unloved. But it is the ultimate miscommunication. They were speaking love to each other in foreign languages.

The book has exercises to identify your love language, and ideas of how to "speak" to your spouse in their "native" tongue.

It's really a good book. Very practical.

[thesearch]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

I have not had many issues with money but I have experienced what I would describe as running into very notable emotional sensitivities that in the USA I would start to think that the woman is unstable, has hormone imbalance or whatever.

At first I thought it was just a challenge that was created by the language barrier because of her beginning  English skills.

However, the more I hear and reflect, it seems that many of these women are just more  emotionally volatile plain and simple. I did not say all just more and it is only my suspicion based upon what I have heard and experienced.

In some ways, this is a pain in touche about these women but, when you look at the whole package it is easy to decide to just deal with it.

However about money, this is what I have observed. They expect you to take charge. If you can afford to spend the money for an expensive dinner etc fine - if  you tell them that you can not that is fine also. Just tell them how it is, but do not complain about an expense after you created it. This is where I found a problem can be created.

On the other hand the exception to what I said is that they can be frugal also telling you to not spend money on something because it is too expensive. However, it is clear from the posts that I have read that these women vary greatly on  this with only these being generalizations.

[Stan B]

... in response to Re: Do NOT do this...., posted by thesearch on Feb 1, 2002

As you said, 'these women vary greatly' is true, people are people and women are women, no 2 exactly alike. And I feel that applies regardless of nationality. You've got to admit that AW also run the gamit from what can you do for me, to the ones that that care about your welfare and just enjoy your company, not your $.
Fortuneately my wife understands the value of a buck and is rather frugal. She understands what our priorities are and only buys the things that we need. We're also buying a new place this spring and she realizes that all our extra $ is going to the downpayment & furnishings and that is our main financial focus.
I also put down on paper how much I make, how much we spend and what we have left over and she understands the basics of our cost of life. She also looking forward to getting a job and contributing what she can and to start saving for the extra things that we want.