Time... And This Pursuit

[mdante99]

A caveat before I write anything, so please hold your bullets; my opionins are shaped by my experiences, I don't advise others to follow the same.

Reasearch in USA has shown that people who have dated for a long time or lived together before marriage have a HIGHER divorce rate than people who have dated for a shorter period of time. That was true for my former marriage when I knew my AW for a long time, the marriage unfortunately did not last; troubles from early on after marriage. The single most important ingredient for a marriage is commitment, I don't believe that time is any help if you or your partner has or does not have any deep sense of commtiment.

In my case, I asked my wife to come to USA, after meeting her for two weeks, for 90 days... not a marriage proposal yet. I did not think in the terms of wheteher she was " the one "; my previous marriage taught me not to think on those terms. After she had been here for 90 days, we decided to get married. Now almost a year after our  meeting, our relationship is much better than ever. We both are very happy with our decisions.

I was also looking for a very specific kind of woman, attractive, well educated, fluent in English, and career oriented.
I don't believe that you fall in love instantly, love and respect comes over time as a mutual bond develops.
We both have protected our dowside risks by agreeing that if it did not work out, she would resettle in her native country with my finacial help. No mess, no fuss. ( That lesson I learned from some of the experiences I read on some other boards ).

Would I be sorry, if she decides to leave tomorrow? Certainly, but I would have been a better man for having known her. She has shown me a completely new way of life.

Was it the right choice? At this point I think so.

Rest assured, this is one of the nicest christmases I am having in long time.

Would it last? I don't know; but does anyone know about their venture anyway?

The lesson, if any is what Jack has previously said, that every one has a different way of doing it, we don't know what is the best way.
This having said I quote FDR " we have nothing to fear but fear itself "
Does that make sense?

Mark

[LP]

... in response to Time... And This Pursuit, posted by mdante99 on Dec 22, 2001

...If you subscribe to the notion that living together in 98% like being married, than of course that makes sense.

Just from a mathamatical standpoint, it seems the longer one is married (co-habitating, the greater chance of failure.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Time... And This Pursuit, posted by mdante99 on Dec 22, 2001


Your statistics sound like the often quoted: "red cars get in more accidents than cars of other colors." While this may be purely factual, it has nothing to do with the truth of the matter that: it's the people with the kind of personalities who like red cars tend to get into more accidents than people with personalities that prefer less flashy colors of cars.

I believe, as you appear to be alluding to, this same concept is true with commitment and marriage. Those who waffle back and forth about should I, maybe not, let's live together and give this a try, etc, are ones who end up more likely to divorce than those who make a committment to success in their marriage early on. I do not believe that there's one, single soul mate for everyone on earth. There is only two people with an atttraction for each other that both make a committment to each other and to a marriage's success, that make up successful, happy marriages. It seems to me, love is the byproduct of actions after you've comitted to be together, not something that you fall into or find before making those committments.

Just my 2 cents worth. your mileage may very.

-- Jeff S.

[LP]

... in response to Re: Time... And This Pursuit, posted by Jeff S on Dec 22, 2001

"red cars get in more accidents than cars of other colors." While this may be purely factual, it has nothing to do with the truth of the matter that"

Actually, your entire post reflects that same notion. Sorry, I don't get it.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Hmmm..., posted by LP on Dec 22, 2001

His point is this:

Some people will say: "Red cars are in more accidents... therefore, I should buy a white car, it is safer."

This is like saying: "Most accident occur 5 miles from home -- so I should move!"

The statistics don't always tell the whole story. What Jeff is pointing out is that the color RED does not increase your chance for an accident. However, a personality type who likes red, might be the type of person who takes more chances on the road -- and if you have that personality type, then you are more prone to an accident, regardless of what color car you are driving.

Likewise, someone who is afraid of marriage, and afraid of commitment will live together instead of getting married. These timid souls who eventually decide to go on and get married have a high divorce rate. Not BECAUSE of their lengthy live-in arrangement... but because their personality type is not conducive to making a relationship work -- which is why they are afraid of marriage in the first place.

There are a million examples that can be given here. 80% of people who have their lover's name tatooed on their body break-up within a year. Now, should we say that the tatoo casued the break-up? No. We need to look at the kind of person who would attempt to "prove" their love by such means.

The bottom line is this: Either you are good at relationships... or you are not. And if you are good at them, you can probably meet someone and fall in love, and the relationship will work. And, if you are unskilled at relationships in the US of A, you will probably be SOL when you date and marry a woman from Russia.

Or, as the bard once put it,

"The fault lies not within the stars, but within ourselves..."

FWIW

[Jeff S]

... in response to Then Let Me Explain..., posted by MarkInTx on Dec 23, 2001


.. and explained it better than I. Thanks.

- Jeff S

[yoe]

... in response to Then Let Me Explain..., posted by MarkInTx on Dec 23, 2001

everyone who goes to the FSU or any other barely a chance of success-
logic
probably 99.9% go to other countries for mate because they are unsuccessful in their own country.
Here is my answer
people who actually GO are more of risk taker and the girls who come, and that is not with a U, to the US are also risk takers ---------thus there is a higher rate of succcess. I have met very few risk takers here-the women I have met wish to build portfolios, want credit checks and want to go to their next class renunion to show how well they have done-but that is my experience.
Life is all how you look at it.
If you want to hunt for bear and you live in downtown Chicago, you either go to the zoo or maybe Canada-if you want to find women who want to find men-then FSU is a good place-if you want white women.
Joe

[mdante99]

... in response to Then Let Me Explain..., posted by MarkInTx on Dec 23, 2001

Well said Mark.

Mark

[mdante99]

... in response to Very Good Post Mark, posted by mdante99 on Dec 23, 2001

Mark in Texas and Jeff have brought up a very good point; and that was the point of my initial post.

Either you and your partner have commitments to a marriage or you do not. Length of dating period in some cases has inverse proportion to the success of a marriage; and that has been proven by research.

Mark

[LP]

... in response to A Significant Point, posted by mdante99 on Dec 23, 2001

.....people in unmarried, live in relationships can't have commitment??  I've been in several that lasted longer than many marriages these days, one nearly 14 years. The *shortest* one was five years.

Sorry, me thinks you got this one wrong.....

[yoe]

... in response to Re: Time... And This Pursuit, posted by Jeff S on Dec 22, 2001

I carry with me always and I have yet to see one space alien. If you are interested-you can buy one of these wonderful gifts for you or a loved one. $19.95-makes for great holiday gifts. Lifetime money back guaranteed.
Joe

[LP]

... in response to I have an Alien reflection device......., posted by yoe on Dec 22, 2001

...device? A mirror?  Just turn it around and have a peek.

[yoe]

... in response to lol...what is this..., posted by LP on Dec 22, 2001

I have thought of this but.......what if I am the alien?

Joe

[LP]

... in response to what if I disappear........, posted by yoe on Dec 22, 2001

...That would mean you be a vampire. lol..Maybe you finally on to something.

[DR]

... in response to Time... And This Pursuit, posted by mdante99 on Dec 22, 2001

I don't know why you wrote this particular message but it sounds like you are still a bit shaken from "Myths and Realities" backlash.

I don't think you need to apologize for anything.  If memory serves me correct, one of the major arguments against your initial post was that it was 'irresponsible and dangerous to newbies'.  BS.  I can say the same thing about some of the stock tips Wild Bill has put on the board.  In the end, you have to watch out for "A number 1".

At the expense of damaging my own credibility and influence (grin) I say, don't worry about the rantings of some of the crazies here.  You're happily married, yes?  Then get off that dang computer and go talk with your wife, not these goobers who like to nitpick at other people's security.

Cheers...
DR