My observations

[Don J]

I haven’t really had much time to read some of these post in the past week or so and see that some people are down on Bear for his recent response to Markusa’s situation. Those who have followed this board for some time probably already know that Art does not hold back on issues he feels strongly about and in as much as I agree with some of his remarks, I surely don’t agree with them all.

However, I am a bit suspect about Mark’s  own commitment to finding a life partner, a true sole mate the love of his life!

He is not the only one with dreams of a happier life with someone to share love with, the ladies that correspond with pen pals from abroad have dreams as well. And yes some may be in it for a free ride to the US for all we have to offer hear, but some look at our fortunes (however so humble) as icing on the cake that comes with the man of their dreams. This is serious stuff here that we are dealing with, not a trial and error scenario but human feeling and matters of the heart, these are things people commit suicide over. So to take it lightly is a big mistake.

Something Mark said in his post that just haunts me……..

“I love Michelle (in my own little way) and I can only imagine what may have been, (but I have a goal) …”

It goes with out saying that the loss of someone that you have grown to love is a very devastating, I can’t imagine how I would handle such a loss. When I think of the days before I actually met my now wife (Mechele) and the anticipation of meeting her after months of corresponding with her, the thought of losing her before I finally met her would be way to much to handle for me personally.

I guess I have to wonder why he would even want to make the trip at this point, I would think that the thought of his loss would be constantly in the back of his mind and I can’t imagine how he would be able to meet anyone else in such a short time with an open mind. I don’t mean to sound un-sympathetic, however take the time to grieve over your loss, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone he would meet to try and build a relationship with them just to fulfill his “Goal”.  Which brings me to this, the term “Goal”, perhaps he meant to say “Follow your Destiny”. A goal is an objective, a target, an object. Love is the strongest of all emotions,  sometimes the loss of someone we truly love can haunt us for a very long time and until we find closure, with such a devastating loss our judgment and decision making can be faulty. A wrong and hasty decision can often create confusion and I truly believe that in matters of the heart you need to step back and approach this with a clear mind.

Take the time to grieve, talk with the travel agent or Airline and explain your situation, if they don’t refund or postpone your flight then write it off to a bad experience.

My wife is from Cebu, and I had a wonderful time there because she was able to take time off from her job to spend with me. However, had I gone there on my own without anyone to show me the ropes I would have probably had a miserable time. Yes there are a lot of friendly people there and my experience changed my life forever, not just because I found my wife there but also because of seeing how people in a third world country with so little can be so gracious and caring for someone who they know so little about, I visited people who lived in extremely modest homes who were willing to do whatever they could to make you feel welcomed. It really makes you thankful for what we have here in the US.  However, there is a lot of corruption, poverty and other things that you may find a bit objectionable as well. You can easily become frustrated and or taken in by someone with ulterior motives. I enjoyed my first stay in Cebu, my 3 return visits and look forward to my future visits. You may taint your first visit with the weight you are carrying on your back and it may keep you from making any return visits which may keep you from fulfilling your dream for happiness in the future. Take time for closure and put trust in our lord to guide you on the path of true happiness.

Peace Be With You!

Don J

[Jeff S]

... in response to My observations, posted by Don J on Jan 9, 2002


Keep in mind, Don, that Mark & Michelle were pen pals and hadn't ever met. It's quite a leap to assume that his feelings were akin to yours before you and your future wife had met. Much of his desire to go there is to actually meet the family he'd come to know, to see the world of his lost friend, and to visit her grave site. Perhaps the closure you talked about for him is to actually see these places. To imply his sincerity is isn't up to snuff because he isn't home for some long length of time gnashing his teeth and wailing over a person he had't met is being a bit melodramatic, if that's the gist of what you were saying. Everyone handles grief in their own way.

I do agree with you that with such a loss fresh in our minds, our judgment can be faulty, and that's why in a post below, I tried to make the point to him to not get swept into a new situation he may regret in a time of vulnerability.

- Jeff S.

[Ray]

... in response to My observations, posted by Don J on Jan 9, 2002

Hi Don,

I think I understand what you are trying to say. If your intention is to advise any new guys that are lurking out there, then I agree with much of your advice, but I have a few comments.

I don’t understand your advice to Mark to forget about the trip. I think your description of the things that you saw over there would be all the more reason for Mark to make his first trip now. Why not experience the place first-hand before he gets into another pen-pal relationship with a Filipina. Who knows, maybe after he sees it, he won’t want anything to do with the place or the people again? Because you think you would possibly have had a miserable time without a personal escort is really no reason to advise another guy not to go it alone. Humbados did it, Howard did it, Mog did it, I did it, etc., etc. Some people are simply a lot more adventurous than others.

It may sound a little strange to some that he is already thinking of future relationships, but everybody handles personal tragedies in their own way. You said you can’t imagine how you would handle such a loss and I guess none of us can until it happens to us (God forbid). And if you feel haunted by the wording in his post, why not just ask him if he would clarify his statement before you post that you are suspect of his motives? I don’t think anyone here can write well enough to always convey the exact meaning of their thoughts to everyone who reads it. So, it’s usually better to give him the benefit of the doubt?

I appreciate your concern for Mark’s well being as I’m sure he does, but he’s already heard all the warnings and if he is still committed to making this trip, then I support him in his decision. After all, he’s a grown man and served in the Armed Forces, so I wouldn’t be too concerned. And your advice to take time for closure (I hate that word) was good, but maybe this trip is a key part of the process for Mark.

You know Don, we all like to give advice to new guys, but we should also appreciate the fact that they have their own hopes and dreams like we did at that stage, so I think we shouldn’t be too critical of their final decisions. If they want to self-destruct after listening to all the advice and warnings, then wish them well and let them decide their own fate. We should remember that they are not children. At least that’s the way I see it.

As far as criticizing Art’s comments, it wasn’t so much what he said but the timing. I would just suggest that we at least wait until the body is cold and buried for a little while before bashing the soul that once inhabited it. It could have waited, IMHO.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to post your thoughts. Perhaps your post will bring out some good discussions :-)

Ray

[BrianN]

... in response to Disagree, posted by Ray on Jan 9, 2002

Probably the most realistic post I've seen here in a while.

Good insight, on both sides of it all.

[tomtneal]

... in response to Disagree, posted by Ray on Jan 9, 2002

I agree with you Ray he should go and see the people and culture.
I just hope he keeps posting here and is not gone we can try to help
tneal