... in response to A reply to Steve that is really for ever..., posted by Howard on Mar 2, 2002Hi Howard,
It’s good to see that you are taking all this with a positive outlook. I think all this speculation about what you did wrong and which signs you missed along the way are not the real lessons to be learned here. Like you alluded to, the real point is that this pursuit of a foreign wife is a gamble, a BIG gamble. And we shouldn’t forget that it’s just as much of a gamble for the ladies as it is for us, probably more so.
You were real close when you said that too much is left to trust and luck, but the difference between you and the guys that were successful is a little more than just simply luck. Some people have better intuition and some guys put in a lot more time and effort. But I agree that luck is a big factor.
There is no mathematical equation where you can plug in the variables and find out in advance if your relationship will work or not. There is a lot more to this than going down a checklist of warning signs to see if she is the right one or not. I think the whole key to success is to be realistic in your expectations. In my opinion, a lot of guys are doomed to failure from the start and there isn’t much you can do to help them because they are caught up in a fantasy world and don’t want to listen to practical advice. I hate to say it, but there are some guys that I won’t even bother trying to warn because they are hopeless anyway. But the majority of us are going about this search with our eyes open and are keeping things in perspective.
I think the fist sign of trouble for most guys is what they do when they decide to purchase some addresses from a pen-pal service. They look at the photos of the ladies as the primary factor in making their selections. I realize that’s a natural thing to do for our species, but not always very smart. You should be realistic. Like Patrick always says, if you’re a 55 year-old, bald, fat Wal-Mart security guard and you’re picking out those 20 year-old hot looking chicks, then you’re really bucking the odds. If you are an avowed atheist and she is a devout Catholic, then you’re bucking the odds. If you had vasectomy and she wants children, then you’re bucking the odds. Yes, this is a gamble, but you should always try to tip the odds in your favor whenever possible.
From what I’ve seen. by far the biggest mistake that both the guys and the girls make is trying to hide their faults during the courtship process. We want to portray ourselves in the best possible light, but tend to forget to be honest up front with our partners. When she finally gets here after all the paperwork and waiting, she has probably fixed a mental picture of her dream life in her mind. When she finds out that you are not the person she thought you were, don’t be surprised if she isn’t happy. Does she know about your hot temper? Does she know that you like to smoke a little weed now and then? Does she know you don’t want children for a few years? Does she know you sometimes drink too much? If you can do an honest self-evaluation and then share the results with your prospective mates in advance, There will be fewer surprises later when you two are living together. It’s all about increasing the odds.
I don’t fully agree with the guys that say you can only really know someone after you meet in person. That’s a big part of it, but not the final determining factor. If you think you can correspond for a few months and then spend 2 weeks together and really know each other, then you’re just fooling yourselves. My belief is that a long period of open and honest correspondence can reveal most of what you should know about each other, your hopes, your dreams, your values, your character. There is always the chance that one or both of you is being dishonest during the courtship period, but time and common sense will almost always reveal your true intentions. More time spent corresponding will increase your odds, just as more time together in person will increase your odds.
Howard, I think you and Ayesa probably knew that you were taking a gamble when you married. It’s O.K. to take a gamble if you know what you are doing and you are both comfortable with the odds. I think the key factor in making a successful marriage is a commitment to make it work, even when the going gets rough. From your story, I think you had that commitment but your partner didn’t. That’s a tough thing to know in advance, but probably the major key to success. If you can be reasonably assured that both of you are fully committed to making it work in the long haul, then the odds are in your favor.
If can learn something from this failure, and I think you are type of guy who is definitely capable of that, then you’ll do fine in your next relationship, whenever and wherever that may be. At least the odds will be better next time :-)
Just my rambling thoughts,
Ray
