A Resolution...

[Howard]

I really don't know how to begin this.  There.  I just did :c)

After 5 days of discussion, reflection, anger and sorrow I am left with no other choice but to proceed with filing for a divorce.

To her credit, my wife has been very honest and is trying her best to make things as easy on me as possible, it's just that her best isn't very good in my book.  For the record, I am still thick headed.  If she gave me the slightest hope that we might be able to reconcile, I would try until I was dead or broke.  Which ever came first.  It simply boils down to the fact that my wife can't see anything past her own sadness.  It blinds her to what she has done to me and what she is doing to me now.  And even if she could, just for a second, see through it, she's can't comprehend anything I am saying.  We are not fighting.  We are communicating, I just hate what we're discussing.

I don't see my wife as a victim of her parents' diabolical plan to snare an American "Shuga Daddy" for the whole clan, because it wasn't like that.  Of course, I wish she would've felt the need to be honest BEFORE I paid her father's medical bills, I still might have, but I would've had a choice rather than feeling obligated, but I guess now is as good a time as any.

She feels tremendous guilt and shame for what she has put me through, but I must admit her concept of fair is barely audible.  She does discuss everything with me now, but I don't get a choice in anything.  The most she is able--according to her, I call it "willing"--to do is finance the divorce and repay me for the ticket back.  Any portion of her father's medical bills is beyond discussion, even the money she borrowed from my mother, without my permission, which is now my debt.  For the record, it's not about the money, it's the irresponsibility.

She is unable to consider my feelings, but that's really nothing new, as you all know.  She is moving in with her cousin, to make things easier on her.  There's nothing I can do to stop her and I can't say that I didn't see it coming a day or so in advance.  I have beeged her to seek counselling,  not for our marriage, but for her depression and anger toward her parents.  Again, she can't grasp the concept.  I tried to explain to her that the anger will eat her alive if she doesn't find a way to deal with it, but I get blank stares.  I guess crying all the time and talking about suicide is her idea of dealing with it.  I worry about what she will do when this is over, but can't really find it in myself to care very much.  She has hurt me too deeply and fought me at just about every turn in trying to make this thing work.  I now will give her what she wants, her freedom.

She swares it has nothing to do with me personally, but that is hardly any consolation.  She keeps repeating that she has tried her very best.  Finally last night I told her that she hasn't tried very hard at all as far as I'm concerned.  She just cried.

I'm not being evil to her.  I'm remaining calm when we talk and just breaking down after, when I am alone.  My friends are being incredibly supportive, but that's no surprise, they love me.

I'm seriously considering just financing everything myself as far as the divorce.  I have been in this marriage alone anyway, why not end it that way?  I can borrow the money and just get it over with.  I'm not sure though, I am still undecided.

In talking to Jeff--the Marriage Cousellor--I realized something that he very plainly stated to be the truth.  When I started this whole thing I was living in a fantasy world.  I bought the package hook, line and sinker.  Asians make better wives, that's the headline.  It's just not true.

I don't blame anyone but my wife and myself for our troubles.  I know too many genuine Filipinas married to guys like me to feel any other way, but unlike a few here who have been through similar circumstances in their first marriages, I do not see myself trying for a second in this manner.  Again, I don't have any racial prejudice toward Filipinas.  I just don't know that I could give it a fair chance with the baggage I am now carrying.  With everything I have uncovered in my relationship and the things many have shared in confidence, I doubt I could trust someone enough to have a long distance relationship, knowing the only way I would get to really know them was after I 'bought the farm'.  I don't have the means to travel there often enough to have a more 'in person' relationship, so I think I would only be doomed to fail again.  Quite honestly, I don't even know that I have the resolve to do it again, but I know I might feel differently in months, years, to come.  I'll cross that bridge, when I get there.  If I get there.

I'll pop in from time to time and see how y'all are doing.  I wish you all the best and honestly appreciate everyone's prayers and concern.  I consider many of you friends and nothing will change that.

To those who privately or publicly supported me and those who publicly begged me to wake up, I say Thank You.  Believe it or not, you did wake me up.  I just wasn't at the point where I could walk away.  Now I have no other choice.

I hope you all find the happiness you deserve!

Your Pal,

H

[SteveG]

... in response to A Resolution..., posted by Howard on Dec 20, 2002

Howard,
 I read your post with disbelief even though it has seemed like this was coming for a while now.   Even though I may have seemed negative in some of my advice to you, I guess deep down I kept thinking you would somehow pull it all together and make it work.  

 The only consolation I can think of is to say that at least you now have the peace of mind to know you went the extra mile to make it work and you won't lay awake at night years from now wondering what might have happened if you had just put forth a little more effort.   It would have been so easy to just leave Ayessa in the Philippines and forget it but you took it upon yourself to bring her back here and try one more time to talk it out.   That you should be proud of.

                         SteveG

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: A Resolution..., posted by SteveG on Dec 21, 2002

Steve,

You have a point.  Howard wanted answers and I really hope he got them, for his own peace of mind.  But what I don't understand is why she had to come back here first before making her position clear.  In Manila it was "I want to play in his band."  Then back here it's "I want my freedom."  Did she wait to get back here before finally telling him something like "I don't love you and I don't want to try?"  Was that intentional on her part?

It just looks ominous to me.  I think Panther is right - staying with the cousin now and taking advice from friends could make things very costly for Howard.

Howard, I hope the numbness helps you to get through the holidays.  After it wears off maybe a "Post Chronicles" will help with the depression.  For me your story has been very moving, and the end of the story will certainly be informative to the new people.  I wish you the best during this difficult holiday season for you.

Jim

[kevin]

... in response to Re: A Resolution, posted by Jimbo on Dec 21, 2002

Howard needs to fight for his freedom.  Ayesa may want her freedom, but the freedom she's thinking of is the freedom she'll be taking away from Howard.

- Kevin

[Mars]

... in response to Re: A Resolution, posted by Jimbo on Dec 21, 2002

I agree...her intention was deception all along.

[tito]

... in response to A Resolution..., posted by Howard on Dec 20, 2002

Howard,

Sorry to hear the last chapter of your story.You tried your best and thats all you can do.

Dude,based on some of the responses here to your posts it seems you married an honest to God,stereotypical Green Card shark.Was this about money do you think?I sort of got the impression there was a whole human dynamic thing going?A failed relationship based on immaturity and and her not being honest about her feelings.

I wish you the best,man.When I got divorced I thought I could never be happy again.For a long time I held onto that feeling and so I wasn't happy.Let it go.You can move on from here.Good luck.

tito Matt

[BrianN]

... in response to A Resolution..., posted by Howard on Dec 20, 2002

You didn't actually say she's here... but she IS? and moved in with a stateside cousin?

HOLY CRAP.

I don't want to sound too alarmist, but this could have the makings of another shane neff deal.

Dude, pay attention to Panther's post... specifically:

"I have a warning for you though. You say your wife moved in with a cousin. From my experience relatives and friends here can make the situation very bad for the husband. Their primary concern may be for just keeping your wife here in the USA. The marriage may not even concern them. After all they may think they can find someone "better" for her over here."

This is now about greed, and in the end, no matter how you think about her, she's being "converted" to a darker side of which you have yet to realize and understand.

Get your guard up.... and forget the cradle baby posts, and put all of your emotions in the dumpster about this where they belong.

Watch Out.

The filipina fight thing ain't nothing to be sneezed at.

It's real.

Trust me.

[panther]

... in response to WAIT A MINUTE.., posted by BrianN on Dec 21, 2002

The cousin may have a large circle of friends who are very versed in the ins and outs of what can be done to the American husband.  She will in effect have a "whole team of experienced lawyers" advising her in this process and to how to bleed you.  Your wife may be young and naive and not have these intentions now but she will listen to these people and be more influenced by them than you can imagine. Believe me. I am going through this now.

[BrianN]

... in response to WAIT A MINUTE.., posted by BrianN on Dec 21, 2002

your post was dead on.

HOWARD READ TIM'S post, and follow it.

snap out of this, and get with it before you end up in a situation that you'll never be able to recover from.

You think you're broke now?  You have yet to meet Mr Big Time Broke.  And I don't mean just broke, but totally broken.

GET OUT... Quietly, Logically, and Smoothly.

As fast as possible.  Christ, having a filipina cousin for an advisor is worse than having a filadelphia lawyer.

[Tim]

... in response to A Resolution..., posted by Howard on Dec 20, 2002

Big H -- you know you have my condolences on this whole thing, but the focus of my post here is going to be some practical advice on your final struggle -- the divorce.

In spite of what Ayesa says now, I agree with the other poster who said she might be influenced by her relatives, and turn the divorce into a very ugly affair. What I think you should do is MOVE QUICKLY to end the marriage. Don't give her time to change her mind. Contact a lawyer ASAP.

While you are looking for one, talk to Ayesa about the division of assets. Get verbal agreements quickly and then get the lawyer to draw up the decree stating these agreements. What you and Ayesa can do is what I did on my second divorce -- use the same lawyer. This will save you the cost of hiring two attorneys, which is a significant savings. Note: this approach is only feasible as long as both parties agree in advance to work together to arrange the terms of the divorce; the instant one of you changes your mind the whole deal is in jeapardy. Yes, you can get several revisions to the decree if you need to, but the longer the situation drags out the more likely it is that one of the parties will get obstinate, balk, and an impasse will be reached that blows the deal. So go calmly, in a fiendly and fatherly way, but try your best to get decisions resolved with her QUICKLY.

Legally, you should be aware that an attorney can only represent ONE of you (which is usually the first person who contacts them), but if the attorney is informed of the arrangements then the other party does not feel too left out. You might want to check your local state laws about this, but here in Texas it can all work out just fine, as long as one of both parties are not secretly trying to screw each other over in the divorce, and the attorney has some tact.

If Ayesa asks about her future ability to remain in the USA, I think you should tell her the truth. It could play to your advantage by alleviating any anxiety she might have. Tell her what I've said before -- as soon as the divorce is final she can IMMEDIATELY file a petition with the INS to remove the conditions on her green-card, and become an unconditional permanent resident.

Other strategies for your end game: change the locks on your doors as soon as she moves out, don't wait for the divorce. If you have any joint bank accounts with her, remove the funds (you should have already done this). There are probably a few other tips I've forgotten (it's been awhile for me), but someone else will probably add more.

You can still do EVERYTHING I've stated above and maintain your HONOR, which is something I know is important to you.

Let me close with this comment. Now is not the time to become lost in misery, you can do that later. Right now you have too much to do to safeguard your future in the post-Ayesa era. Make it as bright as possible by being pro-active NOW. Focus on this task to keep the demons at bay.
It's something very practical and very necessary, that you will be GLAD you did much later in your life. It doesn't matter if you do it while on automatic pilot, or in a zombie-like state, just DO IT.

Regards, Tim  

[Dave H]

... in response to Practical Strategy for the End Game, posted by Tim on Dec 20, 2002

N/T

[Howard]

... in response to Practical Strategy for the End Game, posted by Tim on Dec 20, 2002

T-Bone,

Thanks :c)

I have already done just about everything you suggested.  Although I know the cousin, I fear the same thing many here do.  Ayesa is being as cooperative as she can be, but will do nothing more than help me divorce her.  There is nothing more I can do but give her what she wants, a divorce.

I'm actually kind of numb right now.  I have a tendency to handle a tough situation and have a nervous breakdown later.  This one will be BIG, but it will come after everything is settled.  I already have a lawyer and have a meeting with him today.  We will use the same lawyer and keep it simple.  There are no marital assets, no marital property, nothing to split, so it should be easy, legally speaking.  I'll let ya know how it goes.

Thanks for trying to keep me awake, I understand what might happen, but I don't think it'll get that ugly.  Then again, I'm not gonna drag my feet and risk retalliation(sp?)

I'll let you know more when I find some things out

H

[tomtneal]

... in response to Re: Practical Strategy for the End Game, posted by Howard on Dec 21, 2002

I would try the annulment route first
tneal

[donb2222]

... in response to Re: Re: Practical Strategy for the End G..., posted by tomtneal on Dec 21, 2002

Is that possible ?
I would think that would take care of many problems
if she would agree to an annulment.

[Stephen]

... in response to Annulment?, posted by donb2222 on Dec 21, 2002

What would be the basis for the annulment that she would agree to?

In California FRAUD is a basis of granting an annulment.  This fraud must go to the heart of the matter.  For example, you marry the guy believing that he is a non-smoker and you catch him out back smoking.  That is not fraud that will rise to the level of granting an annulment.  But suppose that a sweet Catholic lady marries a man who says "Yes, I want a dozen children."  She marries him and discovers that he hates kids.  That would rise to the level of Fraud.

In Howards case I would say he would contend that he was defrauded by a lady who married him (1) just to get to America or (2) just because her mother responded to the advertisement.  

Secondly, you could get an annulment in California if the lady wouldn't have sex with her husband.  The court has held that sexual relations are a rightful expectation of marriage.  If wife never consumated the marriage by sex then it is a valid basis for annulment.

(BUT...if the lady tells the guy she is pregnant and he "does the right thing" by marrying her...then finds she lied to him....That is not a basis for annulment.  The court says "if you dance to the music, then you pay the fiddler!")

I imagine these same things are available as a basis for annulment in Michigan.  An annulment costs for than a straight divorce.

Just some thoughts.

Stephen