Calling all people with negative experiences

[EbonyPrince]

As most of you know, I am a newbie to this board.  I have watched and posted a few times.  I am currently seeking a Latina that exhibits some of the qualities that I feel that I have.  I am very early in my search, and I want to be as much prepared for the experience as humanly possible.

Although I plan to scrutinize Latinas the way I would scrutinize any woman here in the states, I am aware that the language barrier, distance, and cultural difference will be a huge factor in getting accurate readings.

I have spoken with a few of you when I was doing my initial research, and all the feedback has been positive.  Most of the feedback on this forum is also positive.  I have noticed that there is also some good feedback on this site of people that just want people to beware.

My question is for the fellas that have had the negative experiences such as Confused in LA or soltero.  I would like to know how people with negative experiences did not see the bad side of their Latina before it was too late.  Did you rush into marriage?  Were you just blinded by the good looks?  What?  What advice would you give someone searching for a Latina in Colombia?  I noticed that a lot of people with the negative experiences continue to go back and more than likely meet someone else.  What makes the new person different than the person before?  You made a mistake once, so how do you know you won't make it again?  Could some of the problems be with the gringo and not with the Latina?

I just want any experience that I have to be positive, and I would like to avoid any potential problems by being informed.  I would appreciate any information/advice from anyone positive, negative, or whatever.

Thanks.

[wayne3]

... in response to Calling all people with negative experie..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 13, 2005

Mr. Eb,

Try to just have fun along the way and don't get too hung up on the end result.  Go, relax, and have some fun.  Keep it light, don't "interview" the girls, treat them like people, and you are going to have the time of your life.\

Have a sense of humor and don't take things too seriously in the beginning.

I've been married for 4 years to my wife that I met at Latin Encounters.

[EbonyPrince]

... in response to Calling all people with negative experie..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 13, 2005

I really appreciate everyones advice.  It has been very informative.  I will spent some time doing research on some of the faiure posts.  

Well I spoke to a friend that introduced me to whole Colombian thing.  He's going down in February, and he suggested that I go with him.  So I am seriously considering it.  At least I can say this forum has been/is definately beneficial.

[Pete E]

... in response to Calling all people with negative experie..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 13, 2005

I screwed up choosing my first wife.I was very naive and also motivated by my attraction to her.You might compare it to going temporarily brain dead because the emotions just overule logic and caution.
However,that did not stop me at all from coming back for more.I just approached it with an eyes more wide open attitude the second time.
Also I have the luxury of living in Cali now,I don't need to get in a hurry to take someone back.So instead of proposing in a week to a woman  who I HOPED would love me I took a year to live together with a woman I know loves me.
Everything we do gets us  either in the intended result or a lesson.After the lesson you naturally get a LITTLE WISER.
So,for newbys,to avoid that first round SCREW UP so many of us here have done,take your time.Your brain just might kick in after awhile and reign in your emotional just go for it initial tendencies.There is nothing like a beautifull woman to make a man temporarily BRAIN DEAD.
Taking your time you might also start to NOTICE some things,some inconsistencies,some things that don't seem right.You might even discover out and out fraud on her part,or interesting things like a Colombiano boyfriend.If something doesn't seem quite right you might think about a private dectective.Might be a real EYE OPENER that could pay for itself many times over.
ANY,ANY inconsistencies are a red flag.Anything less than all out love and consistent desire for you you are buying trouble.Find one that loves you.You will NEVER change one that does not.

Pete

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Calling all people with negative experie..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 13, 2005

There is no doubt that you can get some useful advice and learn from the mistakes of others. I would be careful about relying too heavily on advice from those with negative experiences. I've noticed a lot of bitterness from those who have had negative experiences. Even in the relationships that I had which did not work out, both with Latinas and AW, I always learned something that I could use later. In that sense, I don't think I've ever had a negative experience even when the outcome wasn't the one I originally would have liked. Now, married to my wife, I can say that everything that has happened was for the best. Call me a Pollyanna.

[soltero]

... in response to Calling all people with negative experie..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 13, 2005

Calling all people with negative experiences? That's this entire board whether they wish to admit it or not. Those that have had positive outcomes didn't just step off the plane and marry the first person they saw and lived happily ever after. If you believe that, you need to wait a while longer before you go. I rushed into it and was completely new at the time and didn't even know about the forums or anything else. My best advice is this. Learn the language and take your time. If you want to learn what too watch out for do a search in the archives for "Red Flags". I would say that the problems were equal in my situation and the fault was mine. I should never have married her. I didn't understand her and she didn't understand me on more levels than I can explain. There are so many factors that can mess up even a good thing in this that you are probably going to have a few negative experiences as well, but let's hope not. To answer your questions correctly would take all day. You can find most of my answers by doing a search on "soltero".

[EbonyPrince]

... in response to Re: Calling all people with negative exp..., posted by soltero on Dec 14, 2005

Thanks soltero.  I would like to minimize or avoid any potential negative experience that is directly caused by the cultural differences and language barrier.  I know the red flags (or at least things that I can't tolerate) with American women. I don't have anything against American women and I am still attracted to them, but the dating scene is clouded with games amongst the younger women.  The older women seem to want to move way too fast.  

Here I seem to always find the catch22.  Either I am attracted to them physically but not mentally or spiritually or I am attracted to them mentally or spiritually but I don't really feel them physically.

I am just looking for someone that I click with that has a lot the qualities that I feel that I have. I just wonder if my red flag detector will work south of the border.

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Re: Calling all people with negative..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 14, 2005

Your experience with American women sounds similar to mine. I used to exclusively date older women because they played less games. That's when older women meant 30-35. lol..

Now it means over 40 and that ain't pleasant. You should do well if you are going into this with patience and an open mind. Don't get overwhelmed by the beauty of these women and let that take the place of good common sense. You know what you like. Just take your time to find it and don't settle for less than what you need or confuse that with what you want. You can find both if you take your time.

[Heat]

... in response to Re: Calling all people with negative exp..., posted by soltero on Dec 14, 2005

Good advice.  Just one extra thing.  

Women are women.  Latinas are still cut from the same cloth.

None of us would be here if we had not had problems with American women before.  As you have so eloquently pointed out we have all made mistakes.   How do I know that...

Well I have made a ton of them myself.

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Re: Calling all people with negative..., posted by Heat on Dec 14, 2005

"Women are women. Latinas are still cut from the same cloth."

You are definitely right. That should be first and foremost in the mind of anyone who chooses to pursue this. Many (including myself in the beginning) choose to ignore this simple logic and believe the agency hype. I was also tempted to say that even with my ex, we may have been happy if we had stayed in Honduras (even though I wouldn't want to live there although I will live in Colombia). There is no doubt that my situation may have been different if we lived in that society around her family and things familiar to her. Bringing some women here can give them enough rope to hang themselves and you.

[jediknight]

... in response to Calling all people with negative experie..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 13, 2005

[This message has been edited by jediknight]

some of the problems are with the guys. many things you read here make it seem like it's always the womans fault when in fact it's the guys that need to mature before going abroad. ideally a guy will learn from his mistakes in previous relationships and not make the same ones before starting a new one. the reality is that some men are still boys emotionally. they have not developed their relationship skills with american women, have struck out and blame women for their shortcomings. some men think that a foreign woman with limited english skills will see and treat them like a prince because they are gringos, smile a lot, spend money on them even though they are a**holes.

there are no set rules for going about this, every situation is different. there are some general guidlines that you should be aware of and follow if you feel they are appropriate but what works for me may not work for the next guy. don't listen to advice that puts limitations on you like flying down X number of times before proposing or not buying her gifts until after she sleeps with you or not marrying her in colombia, if you have common sense, use it.

you may find the perfect woman for you on your first trip or your tenth, it's not the number of trips but how you spend each one with the women and what can you learn from each trip. my advice to you is learn as much spanish as you can and continue learning it.  be flexible, understanding but not a wimp. be patient and practical,use your head when it comes to buying gifts. don't buy her a $200 cell phone when you can get her one for $20 on ebay or a $300 ipod when a $15 CD player at walmart is enough. remember that many colombianos earn a small percentage of what we earn and something that costs us a days pay could cost them 1-2 months salary so be careful that someone is interested in you and not your wallet. when you have found the right woman, slow down and take your time in learning more about her. good luck
JK

[EbonyPrince]

... in response to of course..., posted by jediknight on Dec 14, 2005

Thanks JK!  It sounds like I should just be myself?  I know that some things that I would do for some women, I wouldn't do for others.  It just depends on the person and how she treats me and makes me feel.

Thanks for the advice.

[jediknight]

... in response to Re: of course..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 14, 2005

be honest with the women. it's hard enough that these are long distance realtionships, don't waste their time with lies or false promises. when i first wrote to my fiance i openly told  her that i was writing to and meeting other women, that i couldn't promise her anything and to allow things to develop. she was patient and understanding, i love that about her.
JK

[Heat]

... in response to of course..., posted by jediknight on Dec 14, 2005

A vast number of gringos headed south are jerks.

But do not spoil them.

Do not treat them as American women.

[Fuzzyone]

... in response to Calling all people with negative experie..., posted by EbonyPrince on Dec 13, 2005

Read the archives for negative experiences, for marriages look for mine, PeteE
and a couple of others I cannot remember. For bad trips look for Papi as the
most recent but there is alot of others who thought they found their better half
and found they got a dude.