... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005First of all, I want to encourage you and let you know that my prayers are with you, because obviously this is a difficult time for you.
It has already been pointed out that you didn't give any background on your relationship, so we are all at a disadvantage trying to comment or give advice.
I would encourage you to keep track of all those "negative" response from those who have been in your similar situation, telling you to "kick her to the curb", but use those as a last resort.
For whatever reason you thought this lady was a good match for you, and that you could enjoy a life together. You owe it to yourself and your wife to try to see if your situation can be fixed. By fixed, I don't mean temporarily "propped up", I mean that with some immediate adjustments, you may be able to have a happy life with this woman. Despite what others have said, your situation may be correctable in a relatively short time period. Maybe, maybe not. The key is "a relatively short period".
How will you know until you try? Giving yourself a short but realistic time period is worth it, but you don't want to waste years on something that isn't bringing your life happiness.
I was married to an American woman, which we separated after 15 years, and we were divorced 2 years later. I can't say for sure that I regret marrying her, but in retrospect if I had to do over again I would have left her after 2-3 years. We divorced for behaviors she exhibited in the first few months of our marriage, and possibly could have been corrected had they been aggressively addressed, and had she understood that I would leave her in a "relatively short period" if they weren't corrected.
Maintaining a healthy, loving marriage is a challenge for EVERYONE. None of us are perfect, and we are ALL broken to a certain extent. Some of us can be fixed more readily than others.
Before giving up, I would encourage you to:
1. Look at yourself, and what did YOU do (or not do) to create the current situation. Are you doing all YOU can do to help her adjust? Are you investing enough time to bond with your wife?
2. Have some heart-to-heart communication with her to see where her HEAD and her HEART are.
3. Get some outside help. Church, professional marriage counselors, www.MarriageBuilders.com (their counseling "seems" expensive, but worth every bit of it), etc.
QUESTIONS:
"We have progressed from that to where she doesn't like my friends and gets angry and goes to the bedroom and cries if they call my home. She now searches my cell phoe log to see if I have called them or if they have called me during the day."
My novia from Barranquilla is always asking about my friends and family. She loves talking to my parents on the phone. She is always "sending my friends a hello". These are people she doesn't know. Her viewpoint is that my friends are her friends, and my family is her family. That's the way it should be. When I arrived in BAQ, she introduced me to all of her family and friends. Her friends and family are always "sending me a hello", and I talk to her family on the phone.
Did you guys discuss friends and/or bonding with friends? Did you meet her friends? Was there any interest expressed in your mutual friends prior to her arriving?
From what you describe, she seems to be trying to be controlling over you, as a way of feeling secure. Maybe she sees your friends as a threat to you spending time with her? This may only be a perception in her mind, but in her mind perception may be reality. If this is the case, maybe you (or a counselor) can help her understand that YOU are their for her emotional support, and there is no threat.
"A female friend of mine has tried to be friends with her and get her out during the day but she can't stand her."
Again, maybe this is a cry for help to try to bond with you, and not someone else. Maybe she's so scared and maladjusted that she can't bond with ANYBODY until her INNER issues (adjustment, fear, whatever) get dealt with.
"I tried to get her interested in schools but she doesn't want to study or work. She isn't interested in any hobbies."
Did you guys talk about these things while you were dating? Can't really blame her for this one... unless you're saying she told you she wanted to work, or go to school, and now she is saying she doesn't want to.
As far as hobbies, are you saying she is abandoning her hobbies that were near and dear to her in Bogota?
"Now she wants me to get a Visa for her 8 year old niece and adopt her and I said no."
Clearly this is out of the question.
Good luck and God bless you!
(Buena Suerte y Dios te Bendgia)
