Women with children

[Bueller]

... in response to Why do you say that?, posted by utopiacowboy on Nov 22, 2005

This is interesting. You were asking Pete, but I'll comment anyway, that as he commented his ex never really loved him, that she looked like an angel but wasn't his angel, etc. Obviously your marriage is different.

[doombug]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

I've tried the single mother relationship thingy a couple times, and to Hell with that.  That twinge of desperation on their part to hook up with you is often self-serving; they love to party and be independent--just like their amigas solteras; and the fathers of these kids can be some vindictive ass-wipes.

Single fathers and single mothers are more "meant for each other," as they have the similar experiences and shared interests that childless folk don't.

Never again.

[EbonyPrince]

... in response to Re: Women with children, posted by doombug on Nov 20, 2005

What about a man that is divorced with children that live with their mother but is a big part of his life?

[Beattledog]

... in response to Re: Women with children, posted by doombug on Nov 20, 2005

Your comment has much merit

Beattledog

[Ray]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

[This message has been edited by Ray]

I understand your well thought out reasoning in making your decision not to accept a woman with children and I assume that you will filter those ladies out in your preliminary selection process.

I was curious however if you considered what you would do if you happened to meet a super-nice woman by chance and it turned out that she was divorced or widowed with one or more children. Would you immediately dump her and move on, or would you be somewhat open to making an exception for the right woman?

BTW, I think the adoption option is an excellent idea.

Ray

[Bueller]

... in response to What if..., posted by Ray on Nov 20, 2005

Good question. This and other responses I've gotten so far have made me have second thoughts about my conclusion.

[soltero]

... in response to Re: What if..., posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

Do you want a woman with a child? If yes isn't automatic, then   why torture yourself with this? Forget political correctness. It is not natural for a man to want to raise someone else's kid when he hasn't had his own yet. Don't beat yourself up over it. A friend of mine asked me once that whole hypothetical tear jerk scenario about what if my perfect woman  had a child, what would I do?

I told him if she was my perfect woman, she wouldn't have a child. That kind of simple logic kinda busts up all that sweet but illogical supposition.

[Heat]

... in response to Re: Re: What if..., posted by soltero on Nov 21, 2005

Outstanding observation.   Maybe it´s not %100 percent accurate because this thing is not quite so logical but still very wise and on target.

[ROGUEAGENT]

... in response to Re: Re: What if..., posted by soltero on Nov 21, 2005

I understand your point Soltero that (if I may paraphrase) you think men should not engage in rationalizations and denial about the issue of women with children if they don't prefer a woman with a child. But you said "It is not natural for a man to want to raise someone else's kid when he hasn't had his own yet". I would add that there is a lot about this process that isn't natural. It isn't natural to get on a plane and go to a foreign country to date women. It isn't natural to build relationships with women who speak our language poorly or not at all. Yet the men reading this forum very often make compromises in these ways. Once a man has compromised about common country, culture, and language, compromising about women with children isn't far behind.

I think that many men have a certain unease with the idea of marrying a foreign woman with a child, but that can be from all sorts of reasons, some absolute, some not. Some may not like the child having another man's genetics, while others don't care at all. For me there are a number of potential pitfalls that have nothing to do with the child's genetics. Is the natural father likely to interfere or sabotage the relationship? Is the natural father decent and involved with the child? If yes, that could be looked at as good or bad, depending on a man's point of view. An uninvolved natural father might stay out of the way while a more involved father may interfere. Another point is that if the natural father *acts* like a father, I may never have the joy of being eventually considered "Dad". This is less likely to be the case if the woman is widowed or if the natural father is otherwise missing from the child's life. On the other hand, if the father has full-time custody or will in the future, the woman may be nearly as free as a woman without children. All these things can be weighed by a potential male suitor but of course that takes time, time to get to know the woman or women, and time for the man to get to know himself. If a man only has a week to visit the foreign country such as Colombia, well maybe the lack of time answers the question for him; there's just no real time to weigh these issues. A woman without children is a simpler situation, without a doubt.

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: What if..., posted by ROGUEAGENT on Nov 21, 2005

These are all excellent points, and I don't disagree, but the bottom line of it all is Bueller obviously has doubts. If he has doubts, then he needs to stick to his guns. Taking on someone else's child is equal to having your own. If you do it, then you better be a good father. It better be because you want to be a father to that child and not because it is a part of the deal. In short, you better love the child as much as you love the mother. If that isn't the sole reason you are entering into the situation, it's best to leave it alone.

Men who have not had their own children should have their own first IMHO. At least that is the way that I feel. After that, spread the love as much as you want as long as it's love and not just a package deal. On my last trip south, I tried to open my mind to the possibility of women with children entering into my personal equation, and although I met a few that were excellent wife material, I knew that I was only interested in them and not their children. I won't do that again as I know I want my own first. I am not in this to play with anyone's emotions so I am going to stick to that from now on. I don't know what Bueller wants, but if he has doubts, then a woman with a child is an issue for him. I just want to add in with the (I believe) valid "con" opinion.

[A1A]

... in response to Re: What if..., posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

Like you I searched for a woman without kids. I have older kids that are about grown, and do not want anymore.  My novia doesn't have kids, and doesn't want any.  But if I had met an irresitable woman, that I couldn't live without, and she had a kid, I'd rethink my position.  
 Mis dos pesos, direct your search to women without kids, but go for the best woman you find, the one you can't live without, child or not.

[Beattledog]

... in response to Re: Re: What if..., posted by A1A on Nov 20, 2005

Many women will not look at a men with children or grown children. It can work the other way

Beattledog

[Avispa]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

I have to agree with Bueller on this.

[fathertime]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

Thank you for your interesting post.  I noticed in your list of advantages of a woman having a child you did not list that you would be getting the benefit of this child and their love in your life.  If that is not at the forefront of your mind in your advantages then it seems you are making the right call in going for woman without children.  
When I first started this search I thought a woman with children was a negative but now I am looking at a young child as a bonus so I welcome a woman with children or without.  
Good luck to you.
Fathertime

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

[This message has been edited by utopiacowboy]

I would say that this is an issue that everyone has to decide for themselves. What is right for you may not be right for someone else. Some people are just not cut out to be parents even to their own children let alone someone else's.

For me, children are the best part of the world. I find that interacting with kids keeps me young and gives me a different perspective on the world. I have four kids of my own and I have always been an active involved father coaching their athletic teams and participating in their activites. Heck, one year I coached a kids soccer team and I didn't even have any kids of my own playing on that team. I did it just because I liked the kids from the neighborhood.

So for me, it was easy to marry a widow with three kids. I loved her and if I wanted her then the kids were part of the package. It may be true that gratitude is the least durable of emotions but I think I get as much or more out of the relationship as the kids do, so it doesn't matter to me if they are grateful or not. My oldest stepson wrote me a letter once in which he said that I would surely have a place in heaven, not so much for what I had done for him and his siblings but for how happy I had made his mother. Now that was nice.