Women with children

[Bueller]

This is sort of an offshoot of a subject that came up in another forum. I know there is a lot of overlap in membership between these forums, but thought I'd post it here anyway. I have been doing some more thinking on paper (make that pixels) about what I'm really looking for, and wanted to sort out the elements of and come to a firm decision about whether I would accept a woman with a child. I didn't write this with the intention of posting it online, but it might be food for thought/discussion:

What am I going to do about this single mother thing? There are some advantages to being open to single moms: 1) the pool of candidates is much bigger 2) SMs would tend to be more open and wanting to be married 3) motherhood usually has a maturing effect on a woman, and obviously I would want someone who is ready and willing to be married 4) there are examples of “natural” children who have grown up to be disappointments while adopted or stepchildren have turned out beautifully, e.g. Ronald Jr. and Michael Reagan.

The disadvantages: 1) All through the courtship process, there is a third person, not a pet, involved in our relationship. At every turn, at every decision, that third person’s needs and priorities need to be taken into account. Date? In addition to setting aside the usual priorities, there’s finding a babysitter, or taking the child with us, then getting home early for his bedtime or whatever. Visiting at her home? Her child lives there, so naturally he has free reign to play anywhere and do anything, and I of course have no right to resent his presence in his own home or in the life of his mother. 2) The day we get married, I have an instant family. Someone looks after her child while we go on our honeymoon, then the minute we get back I have a stepchild that I am 100% responsible for. Since I will likely be marrying a woman from Latin America, who will need a lot of care and support initially in order to get acclimated to the U.S., I will then have in essence two children to look after and be financially responsible for. And every single time we leave their country, we need a signature from the child’s father. Every single time, until the child turns eighteen. And any of these times he could suddenly decide he wouldn’t mind a few grand as compensation. 3) I would be joining their preexisting relationship, leaving me in a weak position in the marriage. So though I would be expected to treat the child as my own, both emotionally and financially, at any time they could unite against me and tell me to go jump in a lake if for example there is a conflict over how much the child should be disciplined.

Well, I don’t like to be cold and to exclude or dismiss people for something that may or may not be beyond their control, and I do want to do good for others. Some of this is natural human empathy, and some of this feeling may be due to my INFP personality. But at the risk of sounding cynical, gratitude is the least durable of all human emotions, and no good deed shall go unpunished. And since I had nothing to do with any particular woman’s decision to get pregnant (btw, think of Bárbara and Nancy, who did it deliberately), I think I just need to be uncharacteristically cold and pitiless and look out for myself first. The four advantages are simply not convincing enough, especially in light of the three major disadvantages: 1) if the pool of childless candidates is smaller, I just have to look a little harder in the short run to avoid far greater inconvenience and potential disaster in the long run, rather than surrender and figure I just can’t find what I’m looking for. 2) maybe SMs would be more open and willing to be married, but possibly for the wrong reasons. And when a woman is in love, of course she wants to be married, SM or not. 3) motherhood usually has a maturing effect on a woman, but so do plenty of other factors. Just watch it on the age and the party-girl mentality. Find what you’re looking for in all the other areas, and maturity should be a given. 4) there are also plenty of examples of stepchildren (or the dynamic between them and their mothers) wrecking marriages. And just because Reagan Jr. turned out to be a putz and Michael turned out to be a winner doesn’t mean it was because the latter was adopted; taking on a stepchild does not mean that the chances are any greater that he will turn out to be a wonderful person.

Here’s a good compromise, one that will allow me to go for exactly what I want in a marriage, while satisfying my humane urge to do good for others: resolve to adopt at least one child from a third-world country. That way we’re doing much good for someone who truly played no part in getting into his own unfortunate situation; we experience the kind of different-but-equally-strong parental love that only comes through adopting a child; and the two of us go TOGETHER and welcome a child TOGETHER into OUR preexisting relationship.

So the question is settled: no kids.

[EbonyPrince]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

Great post.  You have provided me with solid insight on things that I really didn't think about.  Your thinking out loud has allowed me to be more analytical in collecting my thoughts.

Being a divorced father of two children that reside with their mother, I thought that it didn't matter if the potential woman had children or not.  I am now rethinking my criteria, and I think that it would be better that she didn't have children.

My previous marriage wasn't a love relationship, at least not from my standpoint, and we really stayed together so long because of our children.  We both devoted our time and energies to our children, but we never devoted anytime to each other.  I realized the mistakes and shortcomings from my first marriage, and I don't want to repeat those in the second.  Her dysfunctional mother also added unnecessary stress to the relationship.  

Your points regarding the babysitter and the potential Colombian father really hit home.  I don't want to go into a new relationship with added stress and potential drama way beyond my control.  So thank you for the insight.

[oakham]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

forget about being a great giver of personal self......to get relief donate to a favorite charity in colombia...and feel good that you did..but for your life ...don't take on some child you don't look like....will never be the real father of ...and will never get the respect you deserve....forget about it man...its obvious from all your writing that you're trying to justify not taking on someones elses child....don't do it...you don't have to ...you're not an adoption agency...don't feel guilty or ashamed....find a single lady w/o children...you'll live happier...and that's the mission;..the goal...your happiness...not hers...

[Hoda]

... in response to Re: Women with children, posted by oakham on Nov 21, 2005


Best of luck to you, if this is your plan of action. Because you're crazier than all outdoors, if that's your formula for finding happiness with ANY woman, from ANYWHERE! Do you have any children now? You're not giving off a vibe of being a "warm & fuzzy" person around kids...

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: Women with children, posted by oakham on Nov 21, 2005

The goal is your happiness, not hers? I love to make my wife happy. The happier she is, the happier I am. And she knows how to make me very happy.

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: Women with children, posted by oakham on Nov 21, 2005

The goal is your happiness, not hers? I love to make my wife happy. The happier she is, the happier I am. And she knows how to make me very happy.

[soltero]

... in response to Wow!, posted by utopiacowboy on Nov 22, 2005

"The goal is your happiness, not hers?"

Yep, that is the best advice there is. The fact that you love to make your wife happy is because she obviously makes you happy. Look beyond your own situation and it will make sense to you. If you were miserable with her, do you still feel you would be doing everything in your power to make her happy?

It makes sense to me...

[Pete E]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

Most women have them or want them or both.I got a rare one.Try Bogota,Medellin.
Its one thing to decide what you want,another finding it.
If you are serious date no women with kids.I know people who do,but they are playing with what they do not want.Out of lack of looking hasrd enough.Good luck,you will need it in Colombia with your priorities.

Pete

[Bueller]

... in response to Forget Cali, posted by Pete E on Nov 21, 2005

I don't mind if she *wants* kids, only if she already has one.

[Looking4Wife]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

"I think I just need to be uncharacteristically cold and pitiless and look out for myself first."

This is a personal decision, and has nothing to do with being selfish.  In fact, if you are mentally predisposed to NOT marrying a woman with children, then you would be doing the woman a disservice in the name of being altruistic.

Since you are mentally predisposed to finding a woman WITHOUT children, then you would be simply TOLERATING the children, which actually, ironcially, then would be signing you up for a selfish relationship (again under the guise of being altruistic).

"Here’s a good compromise, one that will allow me to go for exactly what I want in a marriage, while satisfying my humane urge to do good for others: resolve to adopt at least one child from a third-world country... and the two of us go TOGETHER and welcome a child TOGETHER into OUR preexisting relationship."

Great idea.

FINAL NOTE:

After having the pleasure of meeting you, you mentioned that you were a Christian.  I know from personal experience that in Barranquilla there are MANY devout Christian women in their late 20's in both the Evangelical and Catholic churches that are gorgeous and without children.  If you are targeting devout Christian women, it is not difficult at all to find women without children... at least in Barranquilla...

[Bueller]

... in response to Re: Women with children, posted by Looking4Wife on Nov 21, 2005

Thanks for the tip, EW4F2BW. I'd like to see BQ and some other cities in Colombia. As far as what I said about being cold and pitiless-- again, this post is like a page from my diary, as it was not written with the intention of being posted, so I think I said a few things a little differently than I normally would. Good point, though; if I'm just tolerating her kids instead of loving them from the heart (which I probably could do if they were not hypothetical) then I'm not doing anyone any good.

[Gorm]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

Great comment. I think the men using international "coupling services" as you, are in a very fortunate position, you can be picky! You are able to clearly state your preferences up front, and don`t need to report yourself to the political correctness police. You prefer a women with no children? A women with dark tan? a woman on the curvy side? A woman who don't wear glasses? A woman who can cook up a storm? Great for you, go for it.

... and you still have exposure to a large pool of wonderful and interested women. Try that on any singles bar.

Good luck.

[WS244]

... in response to Women with children, posted by Bueller on Nov 20, 2005

For every good woman with a kid in Colombia, there are two more good women of equal quality without a kid.   Men marry women with kids for basically five reasons--
1.  He likes kids and wants more in his life.
2.  He can not have his own kids so this is a viable
   option for a family.
3.  He feels if the woman has a child, particularly a good
   looking woman, it becomes a controlling issue on his
   part to keep her in line.  (A woman with a kid
   immigrating to the states is primarily thinking about
   the well being of her kid, and would be more inclined
   to stay in a relationship with a gringo than
   a single woman.
4.  If he has his own kids and not a wife, he looks for a
   woman with a kid to balance his own family life.
5.  He wants a hottie but unless he has a million dollars the only one he
   can get is one with a kid.

As a man becomes older, he finds there are a hundred women out there to marry.  It can happen when one is at the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time.  A man going to a foreign country needs to decide what category he subscribes to in life, and ignore any woman whom does not fit that category.  If one wants a chevrolet then focus on chevrolets,  and not be distracted by the good looks of a ford.  Unfortuneately looks seem to outweigh common sense among many men, as over time one hears over and over how good looking their old ladies and novia's are on this board and others.  Will these same hotties get the boot in 10 years when their looks go south.    

A man who marrys a woman with a kid, never knows if the woman married him for him, or married him because of her kid and new opportunities in life.  Single Women with kids want a husband in life to help support them.  this is a womens nature, and a man should be intelligent enough to understand this.  

 

 

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Women with children, posted by WS244 on Nov 21, 2005

The kid ALWAYS comes first.

Pete

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to And, posted by Pete E on Nov 21, 2005

Everyone thinks that a Latina mother will put her child ahead of her husband but it depends on the woman. My wife knows that the kids will only be with us a short time so it's important to make sure the relationship with her husband is solid for the long run. This is one of the things we discussed before we married - we had to be each other's number 1 priorities.