Howard and co. part 2

[shadow]

I had thus far put everything I possibly could have into this relationship, and had asked for nothing in return except for her to come with honest intentions of putting forth effort to make it work after her arrival.

Instead, she was a complete recluse from me from the time she got off the plane. Then, it got worse. She was with me less than 10 days, most of which she spent locked in her bedroom.

When I posted my story on mag, many people thought it had to be me. Yes, I made mistakes, and take responsibility for my own failures. But at that time, there really were not that many horror stories about fil/am relationships.  

Since then, I have been back again, and with what I feel was still a somewhat positive attitude considering the circumstances. What I found was more girls willing to tell me anything they thought I wanted to hear in order to gain from me. In fact, it got so bad I finally did develope something of a bad attitude. I started questioning some of these girls I was meeting with suspicion, and found that in most cases my suspicions had merit. Out of about 15 I spent time with on this trip, I can say I found 2 that I did not catch lieing to or try to take advantage of me.

Incredible odds, most said, that I would find all the bad ones, when everyone else had found the woman of their dreams. It had to be me.

Well, I don't believe it's all me, and never did. There have been numerous stories since mine that parralelled my experience. I won't name them, for I can't possibly remember them all. But every other week or so now there is another one biting the dust.

Here is what I DO believe. I believe that for many years the penpal route was relatively unusual, in comparison to where it has gone since the internet became the standard method. It think it used to be a much safer method than it is now. Maybe the word got around the PI that the way to riches was find an AM to give you money, and that there was an ample supply of them on the internet. It seemed like the number of sites on the web pertaining to fil/am penpals tripled every year for several years. With this came the reduction of the odds of finding an HONEST girl using this method. It has now become a means for of girls with very little opportunity in life to possibly turn themselves around and get what they want. Now this is used more as a road to riches than a ladder love to happiness.

Bear with me, I'll finish soon.

Larry.

[donb2222]

... in response to Howard and co. part 2, posted by shadow on Dec 9, 2001

Hi Larry,
 You said "Yes, I made mistakes".
For the possible education of others, what were the mistakes
that you made?

Thanks,

Don

[shadow]

... in response to Re: Howard and co. part 2, posted by donb2222 on Dec 9, 2001

The biggest mistakes that come immediately to mind are;

I, like many others, was in too much of a hurry. I only had two weeks per year to spend in the PI, and this is not really a long enough period of time to really get to know someone. If both parties are open and honest with each other, this might not have disasterous results, however, if one person has other than honest intentions and wants to hide that fact, it is easy to do. You simply cannot know each other well enough in a few weeks to find what you don't want to see. Phone calls and emails/letters are great, but there is nothing like having a lot of PERSONAL time together to get to know someone. Many people have expressed the attitude that these girls are "too sweet" to be conniving, but I now know sometimes there is something else behind the smile that is not so sweet. This was the hardest lesson for me. I didn't want to see what was behind the sweet smile. I was easy prey.

Another mistake that comes to mind is I allowed myself to be blind to the facts. The warning signs were all there. The continuing saga of "I have a problem", (I need money)
the continued purchase of things she needed that would do her no good here, and the progressive delaying of the petition and getting on the plane, to name a few.

If I could start all over again knowing what I know in my heart now, I wouldn't. I'd save myself the heartache and stay home.

Larry.

[SteveG]

... in response to Re: Re: Howard and co. part 2, posted by shadow on Dec 10, 2001


"I didn't want to see what was behind the sweet smile."

Larry,
 I think this one statement of yours is the major factor that causes guys to stay in relationships with pen-pals when all the warning signs are jumping out to abandon ship and move on.   More often than not by the time you meet and realize that the relationship is not right you've got a significant amount of time and money invested which naturally causes you to not want to end things.  PLUS It hurts like hell to see that a woman you are attracted to really doesn't care about you.   But if we aren't careful, in self-defense we try to ignore the signs or explain them away.  "Cultural differences" or "she's just shy in public" we tell ourselves.  I've been there and I didn't like it any more than anybody else does but I was determined that if I was to ever get married I would not settle for someone who didn't want me as much as I did her.   Pursuing a woman to the point of begging is no way to find happiness.   There are simply too many available who will pursue you back.   I hope you can find this some day too!

                              SteveG

[kevin]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Howard and co. part 2, posted by SteveG on Dec 11, 2001

I agree with you Steve.  My present situation with analyn is that I have high doubts after putting the pieces of the puzzle together.  Over the past year, there have been too many gaps between e-mails, and I also haven't received any new pictures in 9 months even though I've sent her disposable cameras.

What she says is one thing.  Actions are something entirely different.  I think I've given this a fair shot.  Part of me thinks I'm wrong for jumping to such conclusions, and the other part of me thinks I should move on in pursuit of somebody else where things are more right.

Plus the Iglisia ni Cristo factor is an inevitable issue.  From what I learned about that church, the next time I won't start anything with a member.  At its best, in a 2-way 100% love relationship, this issue will create problems of some sort (being condemned by the church, disowned by the family, etc.).  At it's worst, if it is not 100% 2-way love, then the mix is that more the much volatile.

When I think about it it is hard.  Because of the things we did exchange (words or otherwise).  On the other hand, I do not want to end up in an unthinkable situation.  I am poised to make new friendships, and unless I'm 100% convinced otherwise, end this one.  Emotionally it is still not easy.  I don't know what she's really thinking in her heart.  Well, I know you've been that road before and it took courage to accept things the way they were.

- Kevin

[SteveG]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Howard and co. part 2, posted by kevin on Dec 11, 2001

Kevin,
 Yeah, I am a firm believer in finding a woman who will pursue you back rather than following her around like a puppy dog begging for attention.   That's easy to find here in America, isn't it?      

 While men and women are different and there are cultural differences one thing remains in common across the entire spectrum.   A person WILL find time for the things that are important to him or her and if he/she can't find time for you when the romance is new and exciting with all the mysteries ahead, then how the heck do you expect it to work out when everyday boring routine sets in?   That's what kept running through my pea-brain when I was engaged to my first pen-pal.  (Along with the much publicized Iglesia ni Christo problems.)  It was great when we were together.  Heck, she even paid for everything we did in Hong Kong the first two days because the banks were closed for some holiday.   But she never had time to write.   She always had excuses.  She said how she always thought of me and so on but the actions were just not there.  I wanted more than that - I wanted a real marriage where my wife was happy with the choice she made or I knew I wouldn't be happy no matter how much I loved her.  Thank goodness I finally went with my instincts and moved on because Melly was exactly what I wanted in the first place and she wanted me equally as much.  
 
 I often wonder if I might have been tempted to try to make things work with Arlene if I had followed the path chosen by so many of only having one pen-pal at a time.  I know it would have been much harder to change course if there had been no alternatives.   I always try to emphasize how important it is to write to as many ladies as you think you can and then try 50 more!      It's not a sin and it's not cheating because they are not your girlfriend and they are not your wife - you have only sent them a letter.  Try to be friends first because you don't get tired of friends like you do infatuations.   Ahhhhh surely everybody knows this stuff instinctively, don't they?

  OK, Kevin, I started out writing to you specifically and ended up with a sermon to new guys.     Sorry.   Good luck with your pursuit.
                                  SteveG

[Mr Kabalaka]

... in response to Howard and co. part 2, posted by shadow on Dec 9, 2001

Hu