REAL LIFE REAL TIME CALI STORIES

[Michael B]

... in response to Re: Re: Ok, a little advice since you as..., posted by beenthere on Sep 25, 2005

"AW are such bitches. Say, did I ever tell you about the time....."

They don't want to hear that crap (even if in many [but not all] cases it's true).

[OkieMan]

... in response to I agree, that can be a BIG mistake, posted by Michael B on Sep 25, 2005

Michael B,

You are right, and I try to limit any of my comments about past relationships.  Besides, I don't want to dwell on the past; but naturally we do have to discuss certain things that might require mentioning the former spouse or significant other. I will say that I certainly want to find out as much as I can about what types of relationships the latinas have been in.  I can only hope that the lady will be forthcoming about that, so I guess this all takes a delicate balancing act.  Like the other poster that quoted the old Kenny Rogers song, The Gambler
"You got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."  Well, that the trick isn't it?  Take care.

                              OkieMan

[soltero]

... in response to Ok, a little advice since you asked...-, posted by beenthere on Sep 25, 2005

If Beenthere doesn't qualify as an expert, he is as close as it comes to one. He has given me some excellent advice and it always pans out. I would like to add a few more specifics to his very sage general advice that might help. Especially for Okie's personality type. Take this as constructive criticism as I hope that you find what you are looking for. You are trying to analyze a force of nature which is a waste of time. If the way a Latina thinks is so confusing, it is because YOU are overthinking it to death. Latinas are women in the simplest context. They are looking for someone to respect, that treats them decently,that can take care of them and show them a good time. It's that simple. They don't respect you if you appear too needy or ask too many questions as they figure as the man, they need you more than you need them and you should have most if not all of the answers. Anything that you don't have the answers to will be revealed in time when it comes to them. Asking them how they feel about you will be ok in the right setting, time, and place, but to constantly try and get confirmation will piss them off and become boring. Being boring to a Latina is your death nell, because their lives are already boring enough without you. Anything you ask them more than once will make them think that you either didn't pay attention the last time or you think that they were lying to you. Look at repitition as a social coffin nail.

Be confident even if you aren't. Confidence or the appearance of it makes them feel secure that you know what you are doing. Be or appear sure of yourself. Don't rattle on whether you are nervous or not. Try to at least find out how to say the main things you want in their language. Even if you don't learn the language completely, get your point across caveman style with a few choice words and phrases. They will get a kick out of it. You will get better as you go along.

You know how your luck goes better than anyone. Don't base your success at first on someone else's. When you are in a different culture and don't know the language, trust me, unless you are better looking than them, it's all dumb luck. If you aren't that lucky, then know that you are going to have to roll the dice and take your hits until your luck kicks in or you stumble across the right one. Don't take it personal because it isn't. Move on with a smile. Getting knocked around will teach you more than asking any questions because every situation is individual.No one can tell you how you messed it up if they aren't there with you. Your version, especially not understanding the language is going to be the least likely close to what really went on so talking about it is useless.

THE BIGGEST COMPLAINTS I HAVE HEARD FROM LATINAS

These are things that Latinas have told me more than once that they don't like concerning gringos:

Language - They can't stand interpreters. It takes away from being able to feel connected to the guy. The biggest complaint is communication bar none.

Hygiene - They roast Europeans more than Americans on this, but their hygiene complaints rank as follows:

Bad or discolored teeth
Odor
Style of dress
Details - Having your nails trimmed (Hands and Feet)

Being cheap - Bitching out loud about little things such as cab fare or he price of a meal. Many of them don't even know the value of money, but if you don't want to do something just don't do it. Don't do it and then bitch about it.

There are others, but these are the main ones. Lastly, if they aren't showing you constant affection and a little fear that you might move on then do exactly that because they aren't into you. Believe it, accept it, and go to the next one. If they aren't holding onto you like they think you are going to run off then do. Eventually you will find one that will and that is what you need to be looking for, because that in a nutshell is how their TRUE affection plays out.

[teoblas]

... in response to The cruel truth, posted by soltero on Sep 25, 2005

worthwhile reading for anyone and everyone

[OkieMan]

... in response to The cruel truth, posted by soltero on Sep 25, 2005

Soltero,

I think you have written an excellent post.  I really appreciate it.  I will say one thing that you commented about that hit me between the eyes.  I do have a tendency to analyze too much. ( a guy thing)  But, in this case, it is not because I am some weak, indecisive type.  Frankly, in "real life", I have a strong personality!  Sometimes too strong to suit the american women.  But, as you already know, I am out of my element in "latina land".  But, that's not because I don't enjoy it.  Heck I love it'!!  I really, really enjoy the country, the culture, and certainly the ladies.  But, with my personality, I have  difficulty to just enjoy it.  I guess I have the need to "conquer" things, etc.  So, I attack this situation, like many men; and I obviously  I have made many mistakes.  As far as asking a lot of questions, I only wanted to be courteous to the ladies and show that I cared about their feelings.  Based on what you said, I need to tone that way down. I will go for more of the "me Tarzan, you Jane" approach. ha  Believe me, I will work on that.  You helped me because you gave me specific points to work on that related to the latin culture.  I really appreciate the insights that you gave.  I guess you said the latinas told you some of their "pet peeves".  Well, I think that's the kind of insight that all of us need.  I know I do.  So, I will have to re-educate myself on these points, and the next time I am down there, just go for it.  Plus, I will be seeing several ladies instead of one.  But, keep in mind, at the time, I had been writing that one lady for 5 months, and I thought we had something really special.  I guess that's what thoughts will do, because it blew up big time.  Maybe next time I can do better. In the meantime, feel free to share with me.  I liked what you said.

                           OkieMan

[soltero]

... in response to Re: The cruel truth, posted by OkieMan on Sep 25, 2005

Okie, don't think that I consider over analysis a bad thing. I am the same way, but I had to learn that in that culture, it's just like having a third eye in the middle of your forehead. Latin culture is day to day and usually they just don't worry much, at least not openly. They are basically a "give and spend and God will send" type of people. I know it's hard when you come from a culture that plans out everything in minute detail, but just be aware that if you show that to them, or even think that way while you are there, it will work against you more than for you. I hope that this helps and I am on your side and the side of anyone who is trying to make this work better for them. Bottom line, just go with the flow, and if it isn't flowing your way, keep expanding your options until it is.

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: The cruel truth, posted by soltero on Sep 25, 2005

Soltero,

I think that is excellent advice, and you are right.  I have to change that part of my approach.  But, at the time, I did not understand that.  These little "nuggets" of truth I can handle and benefit by.  Thanks again.

                          OkieMan

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to The cruel truth, posted by soltero on Sep 25, 2005

n/t

[jediknight]

... in response to Ok, a little advice since you asked...-, posted by beenthere on Sep 25, 2005

[This message has been edited by jediknight]

...he has given you valuable advice. his point on working on yourself is golden and if you don't read and re read his advice you will never find the woman you are looking for. do not waste your time trying to figure out how a latina thinks, as if she were a different breed, women are women, they are the same there as they are here and if you think they are not then you are in for a surprise. they are smart, clever, strong, loving, caring, irrational and unpredictable....in other words...women, period.

then why did i look outside the US to find a wife? because i knew i would have a better chance of finding someone who would be more family oriented, someone who would GLADLY put their career or desire to have one on hold to stay home, raise the kids,take care of their man without feeling guilty or like they are missing out on something, these are the things i wanted and found. there are women here that want to have families but the difference is that AW have been brainwashed to believe that they can have it ALL, career, family, everything. i think thats BS, something has to give, i don't want my kids being raised by a babysitter and i don't want my wife to be a super mom doing more than she can handle, i want my wife to be there when the kids get home, to make sure they are properly fed, doing their homework, etc but there are few american women who want to stay at home. american women feel guilty if they are working and can't be with their kids and the ones that are at home feel guilty that they don't have a career....raising your kids is the most important job they will ever have. latin american women will be happy to have kids and stay at home, although i have noticed that things are changing in colombia, women want careers also but this may be because there are few dependable colombian men and women need to fend for themselves, not depend on the guys. also, the ones that are in realtionship have to work to make ends meet, few men earn enough to sustain a household, things are like here.

also, BT's point on what do you have to offer is right on. guys go to latin american thinking that being an american is enough, as if these women are that desperate to hook up with the many losers i've seen in colombia. guys blame the women here for their misfortunes, but are not willing to face the fact that whenever a relationship ends, BOTH parties are at fault. guys are quick to say that their wives cheated or changed...putting the blame on them, when in fact there were things that pushed these women away. these are the things that men need to work on before looking for another woman, whether its here or in latin america. i have seen many gringos act like jerks in colombia and know that they were the same here, it's no wonder they can't find a woman here, american women won't put up with guys that are jerks, what makes you think a colombiana will? maybe a desperate one?.

ok, so perhaps you are not a jerk, but how is your self esteem, your confidence level, your "game"? are you a puppy dog that goes around asking your girlfriend how she feels all the time? are you one that talks and thinks things to death? are you someone who is afraid of losing your woman, so much that you will do anything so that she will stay? well, the first thing is to have the same attitude as a colombiano...that is you have to let your woman know that you can take her or leave her without shedding a tear. women can smell a desperate and weak man, they don't want that, they want a strong, take charge kind of guy, not someone who will always ask her what she wants, someone who cannot make a decision. a guy should ask his woman want she thinks but she has to know that it is the man that makes the decision, even if it is contrary to what the woman wants. you cannot allow yourself to be jerked around, women can see, smell, taste confidence, this is "game", this is what all women want, what they hope to find is all that plus respect, which is what is lacking in colombian men and what they hope to find in an american, but never let her forget that you are in charge.

women also need to know that they are not the only one you are getting to know, that there are others and in colombia there are thousands, i still cannot figure out why someone would concentrate on only one girl unless she is his girlfriend. have the women bend over backwards looking for you, seeking your attention, the ones that don't you should kick to the curb. i remember that when i first contacted my fiancee i was also writing to and had met 3 other women. i was giving these women more attention because i knew i would be meeting these women in bogota, my fiancee was in barranquilla so i wasn't paying too much attention to her. she kept on  writing, she showed a lot of interest and hung in there,i would respond to her emails days later not minutes after recieveing her messages, with her persistance she showed me that she had the qualities in a woman that i was looking for.

also, be realistic about yourself and expectations. as a general guide, go for a woman who is max 10 years your junior and don't go for the woman who is physically a 9 or 10 when you are a 6, please guys, you'll be divorced in a couple of years. very few young hot women will stay with a much older guy for long.
JK

[OkieMan]

... in response to Okieman,read beentheres post several tim..., posted by jediknight on Sep 25, 2005

Jediknight,

You have also written an excellent post. I thank you for your "words of wisdom".  But, just so we understand each other; you mentioned that women are the same, etc.  And then you turned around and said the reasons why all of us got out of the "american women" circus.  The feminist crap, the women that want it all, etc.  Well, that is what I meant.  So, if what you said is true, then they aren't all the same!! Certainly, women all want to be loved and feel secure, etc.  But, the american market has gotten so bad, that we have all fled for the "latina dream".  My questions have been intended to get the advice that many of you have now given.  We all come from different backgrounds, families, regions of the country.  But, we do have some similar basic needs.  Whether some of you think the latinas are a mystery or not; to a guy that is brand new, or someone like me, who has travelled south of the border a little( got my feet wet)-- the information that I have gotten today is very valuable.  So, I will go back to the suggestion that Pete posted.  This the type of information that can help many of us, and it is certainly why I bother posting on this board at all.  It is not because I have nothing better to do.  It is because for now, this is a great way for me to gain some insight on the latin culture.  However, I am still curious to find out if the latinas are half as interested in us as we are in them?  Maybe you can give me your opinion on that one?  From my prospective, it seems more than a little one sided.  Naturally, men are by nature the pursuers, but since we are talking about going to foreign countries to find a bride, there are some unique cirmcumstances here.  Let's face it; in the past, the men weren't asking.  They came from conquering, warlike countries and cultures; and they were raping and pillaging the countries they went to -- all in the name of their king or religion, or whatever.  Here we come many centuries later via airplanes, with gifts in hand.  Some guys only want to get into the girl's pants.  That is a lot of fun, but there's not a real future there.  I want a wife, not a whore!!

                           OkieMan

[caslug]

... in response to Re: Okieman,read beentheres post several..., posted by OkieMan on Sep 25, 2005

Okie,

all the advice/observation fr COL vets are on the money.  In a nutshell, If you got game in the US, you game goes a lot further in COL.  as other poster said, COL women pretty much want the same thing US(or anywomen) want.  When you first go out with them, couple of things, i'll add,

is that you better know how take care of them(be gentlemen), example..

I went out double date in MED w/ my gringo buddy, my amiga and her amiga, both professional, cultured, educated types, good family, financially decent, attractive, late twenties.  My buddy is very nice, smart, down-to-earth, speaks excellent spanish, but not agressive, a little clueless regarding manners&game.  At the beginning of the evening, there was NO attraction on her part to him, he was talking to her, but showed NO interest(he's a little shy).  I gave him two crucial advice that open the door for him.  a) she(and him) were smoker, when she got out her cigarette, i told him to offer her a light(very gentlemenly) and b) when we left the bar, it was raining a little.  She didn't have a jacket, but he did.  I told him to give her your jacket AND put it on her.  After those two action(combine with his nice personality), she started warming up to him.  Those two action, are simple, we do it in the US all the time.  In COL, little things like that goes a long way, because less guys do stuff like that.

another thing, you better show her a good time, JUST LIKE THE US, if you can make her laugh, throw in some romance(ie, dancing), some good conversation, show her you think she's special, you're IN!  In terms of financial stability, maturity, being a good father, husband, serious conversation, etc., really doesn't come into play(AS much) in the first week or two of ANY relationship.  You gotta show her a good time AND look good(charming, confident, well manner, etc.,) while doing it.  

Now those points are not earth shattering, there's no mystery to em.  Just many guys(incl me at times) forget about them.

PS.  I always told all my friends in USA, that dating in the US is the major league.  If you got game in US(ie, decent batting average), in COL it's like taking a major leaguer and have him bat against minor league pitcher.  His batting average will be LOT higher.  

PSII. having an interperter does kill the mood, EVEN when i had 5 weeks of Spanish lesson(via pimsleur), i never used an interpreter, just pen, paper, & dictionary.  My dates and I had a great time trying to communicate, also it's a excellent way to tell which girl is into you for reals.  The ones that really like you(or think they do/will) will make and effort to be helpful AND patience.  if i wanted to say they're pretty, i looked up the work in the dictionary, point to her and try to pronounce it.  Most/all col gals love it when you try/make and effort to speak/learn spanish, they'll giggle(good sign) and your poor attempt.

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: Okieman,read beentheres post sev..., posted by caslug on Sep 25, 2005

Caslug,

I agree with you 100%.  I make every attempt to show my best manners for the ladies; go the extra mile, make her laugh-- all that.  The weird part is that I can handle that, no problem.  As far as the interpretor, I only used them in limited situations, like the initial introduction, or getting back with some follow up questions.  But, on the dates, I took my spanish book, pointed at pictures, and we had a great time.  The rub came after I came back home.  You know all the good times I thought I had; well I guess it wasn't enough because now it was adios.  See you later alligator!  Well, I just wish I had "read the signs" better, then I would have still had some time while I was in Cali to look for another girl.   Really, the 2 biggest mistakes I made was 1) only seeing the girl I came to see 2) believing that she was telling me the truth when she said she wanted to continue to see me, write me, etc.  So, next time I will still turn on the charm, but I will have many ladies that I will see, and go from there.   Sounds simple now, but back in May, I thought I had met Ms Right!  What a crock!  Live and learn.

                             OkieMan

[fathertime]

... in response to Re: Okieman,read beentheres post several..., posted by OkieMan on Sep 25, 2005

Howdy Okieman,  I don't know if I am in a position to give you suggestions but I felt like chiming in so here it goes!

You seem very interested in the latinas so why not drop whatever you are doing and make a point to go Colombia for a few weeks.  If you do not find a gal than go back again in a few months for another few weeks.   Just make it the number one priority in your life. From what I can gather it is a biggie for you and who the hell cares about work and all that bs anyway. LOL  

If it does not work for you after that sort of effort than you may conclude that is not meant to be.  By spreading your trips out so long you are using up all your good years here wondering rather than going and doing.  I do not think this will be an easy process for you.  You are looking for a gal 15 years younger and HOT.  That would be an impossible task around your parts and I am guessing a very difficult task even in Colombia.  If you do one week a year you may be doing this for a long, long time.  

As for me I am going to Cali tomorrow and intend to go back to Colombia again within a month or two if I find a girl or if I do not find a girl.  I am going to make this a priority and besides I had a great time while I am there the first time and expect to again this time.  The cost for me is a week away from my kids and in my case that is an expensive price to pay because they miss me greatly.  Your cost may be more in fiancial terms but this whole endeaver comes at a cost it seems.  Thats what 401K's are for or home equity lines! LOL
 
I hope you make yourself get back on the horse soon.  You seem like a hell of a nice guy but you just gotta go for it.

See ya
Fathertime

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: Okieman,read beentheres post sev..., posted by fathertime on Sep 25, 2005

Fathertime,

Thanks for your comments.  I do appreciate it.  I am currently working on many ideas for my next trip.  Just keep in mind that I have only been to Cali twice, so I am just getting started.  Even though I have had a few bumps in the road doesn't mean that I am giving up. I am very tenacious by nature, but after going through 2 divorces, I have had to become very cautious too.  So, with God's help I will figure this all out.  I can't just drop everything right now.  My book business is tied to the schools, and now is my busiest season. But,  I have been using this board to help me refine my approach to this latina thing. I know it won't happen over night; so I am still working on it.  I do wish you well on your trip  Take care and best of luck.

                             OkieMan