A cautionary tale.

[CelticUrge]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Red flags and bad financial ..., posted by doombug on Jul 17, 2005

Sounds like a great idea guys. If you are serious and want to get it done, I can put you in touch with a publisher that may be interested, married to a latina from Bogota. Works with very large printer company with facilities in Bogota and Cali (I think).

[doombug]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Red flags and bad financ..., posted by CelticUrge on Jul 17, 2005

Pete's got the great back stories to fill a few of those chapters (some that are documented here; maybe others yet mentioned).  Add to that his experience with the contrasts between pricing in both the U.S. and Colombian real estate markets and health care systems, and his recent, fair, and first-hand assessment of crime in Colombia.

He's also in quite a unique situation.  He admittedly has a lot of free time, isn't committed to anyone who might restrict that time, has a tranquil backdrop and beautiful women to inspire him, and a relatively large fan base/group of contacts on the forum(s) (and I'd assume in real life) that he's built up over the years.

Which reminds me...

I'm reading a book called "The Tipping Point," by Malcolm Gladwell, and in it, the author describes how there exists a particular group of individuals who have a knack for "bring[ing] the world together."  He calls them "Connectors."  
 
First, about the book:

"The Tipping Point is the biography of an idea, and the idea is very simple.  It is the best way to understand the emergence of fashion trends, the ebb and flow of crime waves, or, for that matter, the transformation of unknown books into bestsellers [maybe this fact alone  would encourage Pete], or the rise of teenage smoking, or the phenomena of word of mouth, or any number of the other mysterious changes that mark everyday life is to think of them as epidemics.  Ideas and products and messages and behaviours spread just like viruses do."

Gladwell's simple definition of what a Connector is:

"Connectors know lots of people.  They are the kinds of people who know everyone.  All of us know someone like this.  But I don't think that we spend a lot of time thinking about the importance of these kinds of people.  I'm not even sure that most of us really believe that the kind of person who knows everyone really knows everyone.  But they do."

   
The book itself is an interesting read on how the actions of only a few individual--in many cases, a sole individual--can initiate social epidemics.  

"[Social epidemics] are driven by the efforts of a handful of exceptional people."  What sets them apart are "things like how sociable they are, or how energetic or knowledgeable or influential among their peers."

So, Pete's got this aloof charisma, and his writing voice doesn't grate people; he seems to have met, or currently knows, a great number of people; and, he has travelled to many places, gathering a fair amount of life experience along the way.  Finally, he lacks something that many of us have in abundance:  Obstacles.

Could be a Connector with the story.

Regardless of success or not, who wouldn't want to brag that they wrote a book.  He's already playing an alluring role in the emerging social epidemic of men fleeing to LA or elsewhere to live and be happy.  Might as well get some credit for it.

Peace out!  

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Red flags and bad fi..., posted by doombug on Jul 17, 2005

I need to get that book.
There is a saying,Zen I think,when the student is ready,the teacher will appear.The same thing might be said of things like books appearing,or maybe just surfing and finding a web site.
The is another saying,by the German philosopher Goeth.I remember the jist of it.Its titled"On Commitment" I belive.
Goeth says that once a person trully commits to something that all kinds of  events and circumstances that could never have been forseen begin to happen to assist the person.Commitment has power and magic in it.I think this same power is working all the time for us.The stronger the commitment or desire the faster it seems to happen.But just things we have an interest in that keeps coming up can also draw that power to bring us persons and circumstances to fullfill the desire.So ideas can sort of come together some time by this power working through a number of people.Some people may have just casually bumped in to this site,other people may be more drawn to it for more of a purpose.
I have gotten 2 unexpected things out of this search for latinas.One is all of the MEN that I have had the pleasure of knowing,some being good friends of mine now.I wasn't looking for MEN.Second I discovered a need and pleasure in expressing that I didn't know was missing from my life.
So,I will intertain this book idea because I think it would be fun mostly,something I would like to do and also,even if it doesn't go to far something tht will put me in contact with more persons who will become my friends.
So thanks for all the support.One thing I have to let go of is any judgement that someone else surely would be more qualified to do this than me.That might be true,but it doesn't mean I can't do it.
And,as lazy and disorganized as I admit to being when I get obsessed with something,even it it is just answering a post I can find myself staying up late having to finish it.I don't get that motivated about anything else.

Pete

[doombug]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Red flags and ba..., posted by Pete E on Jul 18, 2005

[This message has been edited by doombug]

Found it.

"Goethe on Commitment":

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.

Concerning acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth,

The ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

That the moment one definitely commits oneself then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.

Whatever you can do, or dream, you can begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Begin it now."

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Great stuff.

Goethe's, "On Commitment," reminds me of an expression used frequently in the book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," by Steven Covey.  In fact, it is the first of the seven habits:

"Be Proactive."

Being proactive means doing exactly as Goethe suggested:  "Begin it now."  An extremely simple yet powerful statement.  Even though it often requires an amazing amount of willpower to actually carry through, there's residual value in at least having the concept ingrained in memory.

Earlier you had mentioned that everyone has a story to tell.  I imagine the vast majority of people who believe this (as I do) won't "begin it now" because they have loads of doubt about their skill in writing.  Or that they'd never finish it.  Or they fear no publisher will touch it.  Or that no one will buy it once released.  Etc.

I have an excellent reference book on the craft: "The Writer's Handbook."  There's an essay in it by James A. Ritchie, titled, "Myths of the Writing Life."  It's written in a Myth/Fact format, and in one portion, he helps debunk a commonly held belief about writing:

Myth:  You must have a college education to be a professional writer

Fact:  I hope not.  I dropped out of school in the eigth grade.  I did take a G.E.D. test years later, but that's it.  I tried college for a few months, quickly realized my time would be much better spent writing, and dropped out without taking a single writing course.

[Ritchies's written five novels (Westerns; Mystery/Suspense) and short stories for a few magazines.]

A few comments from a chapter titled, "Do The Writing Only You Can Do," by Christopher Scanlan:

"How many times have you said to yourself, 'That would make a great story,' but then let the idea succumb to the doubts that plague most writers? Inspired by Sigmund Freud, novelist Gail Godwin personified these misgivings as a 'Watcher at the Gates,' and sees her task as a writer to ignore the carping and criticism of the inner voice that tells many of us that we have no talent and that our ideas are worthless."

"The quickest way to lose editors' interest is to give them something different than expected. At the same time, writers need to let the story speak if they are going to produce stories that break barriers for themselves and their readers."

"Is there a message you think needs to be heard? A story in your 'private stock' that needs tapping? A tale that's telling you how it must be written? A dangerous territory worth exploring? An idea you've never lost faith in? Ask yourself, 'What's the writing only I can do?' And then do it."

Another great resource in "The Writer's Handbook" is the contact info. for most of the major publishers and literary agents (an alternative--and sometimes required--starting place towards eventual publication).  Of course, many other books and websites offer similar resources.

Well, I think that's enough from me on the matter.  

Thanks for the Goethe piece.  That's a keeper.

[Note to mods:  I see that I've drifted WAY off topic, and it's clogging up the thread.  Please feel free to delete all of my posts in this thread.]

[fathertime]

... in response to A cautionary tale., posted by valuedcustomer on Jul 17, 2005

Man what a horrid story.  This whole foreign bride thing  is  coming down to using good judgement and being aware of the little things.  It is always the little things that are the giveaway it seems.  I am going to be angry with myself if I do not pick up on these "Tells".  
Can anyone here truely say that they had no inkling before something bad went down with their foreign-born spouse.  I want to know because if a man has good judgement and picks up the hints I would like to think that he is nearly immune to this type of story.  
Fathertime

[doombug]

... in response to Re: A cautionary tale., posted by fathertime on Jul 17, 2005

"Can anyone here truely say that they had no inkling before something bad went down with their foreign-born spouse."

A catastrophic failure of willpower?  The urge to merge with a hottie overriding common sense?  Love (or infatuation) blinding?  For many, it's hard to throw in the towel--if a towel is even within reach--during the first few rounds of their dream state.

Here's the physical analogy:

"Our body's chemistry changes during the course of a love relationship and it is these chemical changes that dramatically affect our desire for sex. When we're in the initial, or infatuation, stage of a relationship, several chemicals are coursing throughout our bodies changing the way we think, act, and feel.  Scientists have discovered that during infatuation, our bodies increase production of dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine (PEA). These natural chemicals combine to cause us to feel what scientists call a 'love high.' In addition to increasing our desire for sex, they cause our bodies to have":

•        Racing hearts, dilated pupils and sweaty palms

•        Feelings of euphoria

•        Obsessive feelings towards our partner

•        Decreased hunger

•        Problems sleeping

•        Blindness to our partner's flaws

Obviously, such "love highs" can be even more perilous when one involves global components such as distance, a foreign language, and foreign culture.  Add to that, differing expectations:  She may be striving to move up, while we are--literally and figuratively (and not in the negative sense)--moving down.  

Under the influence of such chemical-controlled affairs (dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine), how many of us are at their mercy?

I think it's a great subject, and very relevant to PL members considering their first foray into Latinaville.

[Disclaimer (sort of a requirement here now):  In no way was this post intended to be a negative opinion on the MOB industry, Central/South America, or Latinas in general.  I'm staunchly "pro" on each one of these.]

[fathertime]

... in response to Re: Re: A cautionary tale., posted by doombug on Jul 17, 2005

[This message has been edited by fathertime]

"• Racing hearts, dilated pupils and sweaty palms

• Feelings of euphoria

• Obsessive feelings towards our partner

• Decreased hunger

• Problems sleeping

• Blindness to our partner's flaws"

I remember all of those feelings and I had them ALL.  What a great time that was so many years ago.  I was lucky that she was a genuine woman who had the same feelings for me because I would have been a lemming jumping off the cliff for her.  
I wonder if those board members who have not been through this all-inclusive feeling our really sitting ducks.  Maybe it won't matter and I will be like one of Pavlov's dogs when the bell of love rings again. I anxiously await the feeling again.   I hope that I have a thimble full  of rationality to sort through it all.
Fathertime

[doombug]

... in response to in love before. Does it matter?, posted by fathertime on Jul 17, 2005

I was feelin' kind of whacky, so decided to throw in that yucky scientific stuff.

Primarily because I remember how chipper I was whenever I returned to see the face of my wife (pending "ex-wife" status) in Lima.  All kinds of juice was flowin' through my brain to keep it so giddy.

Sanity returned when the juices stopped; when I was back in the States to ruminate over some suspicions.

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Re: A cautionary tale., posted by doombug on Jul 17, 2005

You got it.All that is true.And even if we screw up,as so many including myself did,was it not perhaps better than what we were doing before?Waiting for something that seems its never going to happen?Life can be pretty boring for a 50 something guy who cannot bring himself to go for 50 something women.
I have to say YES,it was.And let me add to that list of little things that we overide our judgement for.For me my ex was just so cute and sweet most of the time.I loved to just watch her sleep,she looked like a little angel.Unfortunately she did not love me,I knew that early on,but I just could not bring myself to leave this person untill it got really bad,as in sleeping in seperate beds.
I haven't seen her yet this trip.We have dinner tommorow.I just love to hear her sweet voice.I am not sorry I helped her.I wish it had turned out better for me,but I did what I did.And she is living in the US where she wanted to.And my step son has a bright future.I wish them well.
Compare that to my life the 5 years before I have to say it was better and it was worth doing.Sometimes I think about how I could have made better choices,but I did what I did.Its called life.Sometime life feels kind of dead.My time with her did not feel that way.
And,as in everything we do,it was a step to getting to where we are now.And I can't complain about where I am right now.
Reminds me of that Garth Brooks song,the Dance.I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

Pete

[Michael B]

... in response to Its about LIVING your life, posted by Pete E on Jul 17, 2005

quote--I am not sorry I helped her.I wish it had turned out better for me,but I did what I did.And she is living in the US where she wanted to.And my step son has a bright future.I wish them well.--

Sorry things didn't work out better for you, but your forgiving and non-vengeful attitude should be an inspration to all. You know what my wife says about people like you? (sorry, don't have my Spanish font in, so no accent marks) Dios te pagara.

P.S. Yeah, work on the book, go for it.

[latinadreaming]

... in response to Its about LIVING your life, posted by Pete E on Jul 17, 2005

Just wanted to say how inspirational this post is on living life.  Great post and you should write a book on it.  Your book would be great stuff for a movie too.  Sean Connery can play you and J Lo can play your ex- wife.

Need to come up with a title for the movie though.......  how about "Calena's Burden"

[Jake]

... in response to Re: Its about LIVING your life, posted by latinadreaming on Jul 17, 2005

Forget Jlo put Penelope Cruz in the movie ... at least Penelope does not have a big ass .......

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Re: Its about LIVING your life, posted by Jake on Jul 19, 2005

But,
This role requires a big ass to be truthfull!
And my ex is a whole lot more J Low than I am Sean Connery.

Pete

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: A cautionary tale., posted by doombug on Jul 17, 2005

Well, first of all, I would like to say that I appreciate the posts that each of you guys have given today.  I have nothing to do with the original thread, but I am glad that someone mentioned this; because this subject is very relevent for all of us still searching for "Ms. Right".
Having said that, I doubt that any of us will come up with any definitive answer.  But, I for one don't even know how to think in this deceitful, manipulative way!  If the girl from Brazil did not love him, then we must assume that she only wanted him for the "green card".  From my prospective, a person (male or female) that would do this sort of thing has to be missing any common decency.  But, it would also seem to me that if a lady who was honest and had good intentions came across a man whom she did not love; she would either tell him no when he proposed; or marry him, stay with him, and learn to love him.  By doing so, she would not only be doing the honorable thing, but she would still benefit by being his wife.  Probably her love could grow over time.  Now, I must admit that I would never knowingly marry a woman who would act like she was "doing me a favor", by marrying me.  But, if this guy was clueless, and she had stayed with him; then I guess he would still be happy.  The bottom line, is that this Brazilian girl saw him as a "mark", pure and simple.  I just don't know how to think like that, and I don't want to learn.  But, I also don't want to get burnt either.  So, I guess I still don't have much of an answer; only more questions.

                               OkieMan

[Bueller]

... in response to Re: A cautionary tale., posted by fathertime on Jul 17, 2005

Yep, I suppose that behind just about every "I got scammed" story is an "I ignored red flags" theme.