Some advice to the lurkers

[soltero]

I haven't posted in a while as I am currently in Colombia and haven't had the time, but I would like to lay down a little reality for the lurkrers and those others that might benefit from it. This will not be sugar coated, so I hope that it will be received just for what it is...an objective opinion. First, leave your condescending attitudes at home. Women are women wherever you go, and if you have no "game" at home, then you have very little "game" here. Your chances are better, but only at getting manipulated. Anyone seriously interested in finding someone will just eventually drop you, and as Latinas are not much for confrontation, they will just disappear. Don't take it personal, just accept it and try to determine where you went wrong and fix it. Second, learn the language. Anyone preaching that you don't need to learn the language hasn't. If anyone who can speak the language tells you that you don't need to learn it then I might listen to them since they would know, but if someone who doesn't speak the language tells you that you don't need to learn it, have the sense to ask someone that does. How can a blind man describe what something looks like? Anyone who is doing ok without knowing the language either has someone that truly loves them and is very patient, or is getting taken and doesn't know it. You would know whether you were in category "A" or "B" a lot sooner if you weren't sitting there allowing people to talk for you or around you.

There is a lot of talk of scammers, but really, if you get scammed, it's your fault. The stuff that could be run on you is weak at best, and if you follow the red flags, you can see it coming a mile away. Dating here is a lot easier than in the states, but you need to decide which camp you are going to fall in to. Don't take "wife search" advice from the serial daters (Reread the part about the blind man). If they knew what it took to find a good wife, they would have one. There is nothing wrong with it, but it doesn't take much to be a Don Juan here. Go for the young ones whose real boyfriends can't afford to do anything with them or the older ones with kids that aren't getting much action and take them out. Voila! You're in. Don't get too caught up in them and you will be fine. If you are truly serious, then approach this seriously and use the same criteria you would use at home knowing that you have more leeway. A 20 year age difference is not acceptable here, it is tolerated. There is a difference, and the difference widens when you get back home. Understand that and proceed however you want. If you are at a point where you have had kids and they are grown, and you aren't really looking for a partner but a companion, then by all means, marry a young one, but don't take her home. Plan to live here. Have good sense. Guys want to say that they were scammed, but again, you scammed yourself. The guys having all the success with the 20 year olds aren't marrying them.

In closing, don't expect the fish to just jump in the boat no matter where you drop your line. Learn how to fish first and make sure that you understand that more or less, the same rules apply wherever you go. It may be easier here than there, but it is never easy.

[stefang]

... in response to Some advice to the lurkers, posted by soltero on Jul 11, 2005

I am back to my original name from AmBrazilian. Listen to a lot of the guys here when they say pick an average woman over a 9/10. Here's why, with a really hot sexy latina you really can't see her faults or red flags your blinded by beauty. Since my fiance was more average I started to see things I would not of liked in a marriage so it was easier for me to break up. If I had a 10 I probably would of did the wrong thing and said who cares she so beautiful I can handle the faults or red flags.

I find the really beautiful women to be vain but what do you expect, they know they got it from all the whistling and staring so they use it. Ugly men married to very beautiful women mostly happen in the movies or if your rich. Not that were ugly but compared to a possible miss universe we are ugly!

[Bueller]

... in response to Some advice to the lurkers, posted by soltero on Jul 11, 2005

"Second, learn the language. Anyone preaching that you don't need to learn the language hasn't. If anyone who can speak the language tells you that you don't need to learn it then I might listen to them since they would know, but if someone who doesn't speak the language tells you that you don't need to learn it, have the sense to ask someone that does."

 Probably true, but a some guys who speak Spanish become arrogant about it and act like it's all that matters. Learning to dance is a great idea too--a basic social skill, some would say--but I never mention it because I suffer from CRI (Caucazoidal Rhythm Impairment). In like fashion, it's easier for some to learn new languages than for others.

 That said, if learning new languages doesn't come easy for you, you did learn English, didn't you? And come to think of it, I did learn to walk, didn't I?

[papi]

... in response to Re: Some advice to the lurkers, posted by Bueller on Jul 11, 2005

well said! right on!!

[thundernco]

... in response to Some advice to the lurkers, posted by soltero on Jul 11, 2005

As a general rule, personal vanity is very important to Calenas. Calenas try to look dynamite when they go out, even the not so attractive ones. That said, Calenas appreciate a man that makes every effort to look as good as he can with what he has regardless of the lack of a perfect body

You will have more success if: You dress and pay attention to the details,(clean and well maintained personal hygiene, shoes, nails, haircut, cologne, etc.), and carry yourself well with a good attitude. Do that and you'll rise above much of your competition. Couple the above with learning to speak spanish well and you'll pretty much have your pick. -TNC

[JimmySTLOUIS]

... in response to Solid Advice and I would add one item to..., posted by thundernco on Jul 11, 2005

This is very true.

Also it doesnt hurt to throw on some brand name clothing (Tommy Hilfiger etc). Make sure your clothes are ironed also.

TE AMO PERU!!!

jim

[papi]

... in response to Solid Advice and I would add one item to..., posted by thundernco on Jul 11, 2005

best advice i have heard yet

[papi]

... in response to Solid Advice and I would add one item to..., posted by thundernco on Jul 11, 2005

now you are talking

[Chris F]

... in response to Some advice to the lurkers, posted by soltero on Jul 11, 2005

AS I am writing this my new fiance is organizing her clothes in the closet...enjoying her third day in hew new country.

She is here because I took a little time to learn the language before meeting her....plain and simple.

The more Spanish you know the better chance of success you will have In South America....now I will say this does not mean you have to be fluent...I studied the language for about six months...and that enough for me to have success...the more the better.

Newbies...please do not listen to anyone that tells you you can use a translator for now until you learn the language.....you cannot find out if you have chemistry with someone using a translator!!!  You need to communicate with them in their language...its the only way...

Good luck to all on their search!!!

[valuedcustomer]

... in response to Some advice to the lurkers, posted by soltero on Jul 11, 2005

I agree that learning Spanish is critical.  I have been speaking Spanish for several years and can understand 95 % of everything my wife says but it is still difficult to express myself.  I will never be fluent.  Guys who don’t think it’s important to learn the language of their wife don’t have much experience with relationships.

Another thing is that if a man doesn’t have much experience with women, he is going to have to have a few failed relationships and breakups in order to gain the experience he needs.  No one can teach him this.. he has to gain his own experience.  If he learns from each breakup, by the 4th or 5th he will know what kind of woman he is looking for and how to avoid the pretenders.  This is a learning curve but isn’t as bad as it seems, because you learn exponentially not linearly.  Once you start sizing up and quickly rejecting the ones who aren’t right for you, things start to go quickly.  But, don’t try to shortcut this process.  Because, once you bring them to the US or get married, it then becomes very costly emotionally and financially to breakup.  In Colombia, you can just say “we aren’t right for each other” and move on.  The men who have broken up with women did exactly the right thing and should go back and break up with a few more.  Then when the right woman comes along you will have the eyes to see her.      

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: Some advice to the lurkers, posted by valuedcustomer on Jul 11, 2005

Rather than beating yourself up about why it didn't go right, the better approach is to learn from the whole experience. You're right on when you say that it's the breakups that give you the experience you need to know when you've found the right one.

[doombug]

... in response to Re: Some advice to the lurkers, posted by valuedcustomer on Jul 11, 2005

"The men who have broken up with women did exactly the right thing and should go back and break up with a few more."

Excellent point.

My ex and her two kids had their petitions approved, and were nearly to the point of getting their interviews at the embassy.

Then I pulled the plug.  Cancelled it all.  

I had accumulated too much doubt, and didn't want to end up like Kented and a few others here and elsewhere.

If PL is anything, it is a valuable resource in the fact that it provides examples of those who have chosen wisely and those who haven't.  You find here glimpses of why you should hang it up, and/or why you should hang tough.

I chose poorly, but it could've ended up a lot worse.

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: Some advice to the lurkers, posted by doombug on Jul 11, 2005

Doombug,

I guess I did not realize that you had gotten that close to bringing your latina to the States.  You probably have mentioned it before, but if it would not be too much trouble, could you share with us what you saw that you did not like (the red flags)?  Also, when did you see these red flags surface?  On the one hand, I would say, better late than never; but I am curious about how you got that close to marriage before you decided?  I am not judging you; rather I am trying to learn.  This example would also point to just how difficult it can be to determine if you have the right lady.  I realize that all of us are different, but it might help the rest of us to understand your situation.  Thanks.

                         OkieMan

[doombug]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Some advice to the lurkers, posted by OkieMan on Jul 11, 2005

I called her home very late at night one evening, and she didn't answer her phone (this isn't the first time this has happened).

So, I text messaged her cell.  She called back drunk, and that was that.

Ciao, party girl!

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Some advice to the lurke..., posted by doombug on Jul 11, 2005

Doombug,

So, the drinking and staying out at night was a surprise to you; or you had known but thought it would get better?
That sounds like a basic lifestyle choice on her part.  Did her kids ever give you any inkling that she was that way, or was there other tips?   Well, I am glad you found out before you brought her stateside.  I guess that is why you have been pretty bummed out over the latina thing?  I can understand.  I guess both of us are "going back to the drawing board"! Best of luck in the future.

                            OkieMan