Two Weeks...

[Howard]

...and still, nothing.  

I have had to tell a few friends what's going on.  The darkness of my mood was alarming them.  Everybody's reaction is the same, disbelief.

I have re-written the letter to my mother-in-law twenty times this weekend.  I am trying to remove the spite and just give her facts and voice my concern and sadness properly.  There is no way Ayesa's mother knows a thing about this.  My wife is the only one who truely understands and, as usual, she's not talking.  I have to tell my mother-in-law what's going on.  Not to get my wife in trouble, but so that she understands why I haven't done certain things she has asked me to.

I have decided to find out what I have to do to obtain a divorce.  I have also decided that I will wait two more weeks until I begin any proceedings or file any irrevokable paperwork.  I think a month of non-communication is enough of an answer.  Every day that passes without contact, gives strength to my wife's cousin's story.  I fully understand that it's all third or fourth hand, but what else am I supposed to think?

This sucks!  But like everything else, I will persevere.  I'll just die a little more inside, become a little colder.  Maybe someday, we'll all look back on this and have a good laugh.  I can hope, right?  Oh, yeah... hope got me into this mess!

H

[Ray]

... in response to Two Weeks..., posted by Howard on Nov 19, 2001

Hey Howard,

Take it easy man. You are smart to begin looking into what is involved in filing for a divorce, but there is really no hurry to file anything soon. You at least have until the 2 year AOS hearing which is around July, right? Educate yourself on the options, but I wouldn’t retain a lawyer and start shelling out big bucks because there is no reason to at this point. Unless you are in a hurry to marry your secret lover (just kidding man!). She might come to her senses and she might not, but it’s really her decision to make. After all this time and trouble, why not give it a few more months? It won’t cost anything.

Just like you said, she don’t sound like a “green card shark” or a “gold digger”, but more like a confused young woman who doesn’t know what the he11 she wants. Do you have any evidence that she never intended to return when she left? Did she take all her cherished possessions with her (family photos, underwear, security blanket, teddy bear, etc?). Yeah, they never leave their underwear behind if they don’t plan to return :-)

I think you got some real good advice from HappyIdiot, cc, and panther. You need to talk to your wife but she will have to make the decision to do that. If you think her mom can slap some sense into her, I would go ahead and write that letter. What have you got to lose? You’re right about wasting your time and money flying over there. If you went all the way to the Phils and she still wouldn’t open her mouth, then you’d really be pissed and probably get yourself into a world of trouble.

Protect yourself by making sure she has no access to any bank accounts, change your locks if she has a key, that kind of stuff. And try to look at the positive side of things. You have no children and you only have 3 years invested in this thing. He11, my ex took off after 27 years together! Look at the money you will be saving while she is away. No more fish heads in the frig, no need to put the toilet seat down, no more Back Street Boys, you can fart & burp whenever you want, etc.

Now go out and try to have some fun. How about a BIG steak and a COLD beer. Dave H is buying :-)

Yeah, life sux, but it could always be worse.

Ray

[Mars]

... in response to Whoa! Slow Down., posted by Ray on Nov 19, 2001

And you'll have twenty seven years time invested too, Howard, if you keep wallowing in it. Take some action and get your life back in order.

My opinon Dude....

Peace

[Ray]

... in response to Howard., posted by Mars on Nov 19, 2001

If Howard was to get back with his wife and spend 27 years together? How long did your marriage last? I don’t regret the time I spent with my ex. We had many happy years and raised three wonderful daughters together, so please don’t imply that it was 27 years of wasted time. We don’t hate each other and are still on friendly terms. It didn’t last a lifetime, but at least we gave it our best shot.

Pardon my mentioning it, but you seem to have a personal interest in breaking up this marriage as soon as possible. Why does Howard have to get out as quickly as he can? Would you feel a deep personal disappointment if he were somehow able to patch this thing up and have a happy marriage after all? Just curious.

And when you say “screw all the rest of the advice here”, I interpret that to mean ‘screw all these other guys because only I know best’. Hey Mars, we’re just a bunch of guys here expressing our opinions and sharing ideas. Please don’t get hostile if someone doesn’t agree with you. Howard is a smart guy and I’m sure that he will make the decision that is best for him and all concerned. By all means express your own opinions but please don’t imply that the opinions of others are worthless. Thanks.

Peace,

Ray

[Mars]

... in response to Would that be so terrible?, posted by Ray on Nov 20, 2001

I don't want to get into it with you Ray and I am not being hostile or implying anything derogatory towards you or anyone else... but in Howards case, even 27 days would be way too much. If you read any of Howards posts he didn't share any happy years or raise 3 daughters with Ayesa like you were fortunate enough to experience. In fact, I think all in all he probably had 27 minutes of happiness. Patch things up with Ayesa? Are you kidding? Wake up man....He needs to get his life back together and dump Ayesa. Only a complete idiot would try to continue something with a woman who has the mentality of a ten year old. Either way Ray....he'll do what needs to do and what either of us has to say does not really mean doodely squat. E-mail Howard and ask him about my story......

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Would that be so terrible?, posted by Mars on Nov 20, 2001

Mars,

It seems like you are judging Howard's relationship and others by "your story." They are not one in the same. All women are not your ex. Sometimes a little more patience, medical intervention, or counseling is what it takes to turn things around. What would you do if you had a child that had a problem? Kick them to the curb? Many guys go out and marry very young women, then don't have the patience to help them finish growing up.

Like it or not, after a divorce, most women will receive either some degree of custody or visitation rights. Some people will go as far as to kidnap their own children. We read about it every day on milk cartons and fliers. Since the child will likely spend some time with this parent, I think it is in the best interest of the child that the parent be encouraged to receive some form of treatment, appropriate for their condition.

Dave H.

[Mars]

... in response to I agree Ray..., posted by Dave H on Nov 20, 2001

It all depends on how you want it to turn out, I guess. My situation turned out just like I wanted it to. To each his own.

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to Would that be so terrible?, posted by Ray on Nov 20, 2001

Ray,

I'm just visiting from the Latin board, but I am intrgued by your "They take their underwear when they go" for lack of a better description, theory.  Can you tell us more about this?  

Yeah, I wonder what would be so wrong with people having troubles that they overcome in their marriage too.  What would it mean if people were able to resolve their problems?

I'm still working on if it would be appropriate to 1) be looking through the wife's underwear drawer and 2) say just making sure you're coming back, when you get caught.

[Dave H]

... in response to Whoa! Slow Down., posted by Ray on Nov 19, 2001

She can't leave for good without Brittney, Christina, The Backstreet Boys, and Nsync. ;o)) Ray, I have to agree...as I usually do. I think she is confused. A "gold digger" or "green card shark" would more than likely get back and try to secure her status as a permanent resident.

I have a new source for San Miguel two blocks from my house. I'm a happy man! ;oD

Dave H.

[Howard]

... in response to Don't forget the CD collection..., posted by Dave H on Nov 19, 2001

... but left all of her F**&in' POSTERS!!!  Everywhere I turn one of those Godless little Homo's is looking at me and smiling!

H

[Mars]

... in response to She took the CD's..., posted by Howard on Nov 19, 2001

Hahahahaha........Godless little Homos.....hahaha......that is hilarious!!! You're cool Howard!

[Dave H]

... in response to She took the CD's..., posted by Howard on Nov 19, 2001

H~,

I don't know if it really matters about the CD's. My wife left all of hers in the Philippines. Hmmmm??? I think your wife may come back for her posters. My ex came back to get all of her faggotyassed George Sraight and Alan Jackson posters.

Keep the faith,

Dave H.

[kevin]

... in response to Well..., posted by Dave H on Nov 19, 2001

come to think of it, once my ex left, I didn't have to wait for her to take her Xena and Hercules posters hanging up in the other bedroom.  I sorted through the CD's because there were certain ones that I wanted to keep, and hopefully she wouldn't notice, given that she'd be taking much of what she wanted.  Once she was gone, I could wake up without Guns & Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" blasting.

- Kevin

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to Two Weeks..., posted by Howard on Nov 19, 2001

Howard,

I'm jumping over here from the Latin board, but I think you might want to not be too hasty in taking any action.  Right now the only facts that you have are that you have not heard from your wife and one of her family members is claiming that she will desert you.  It seems like you are trying to fill in this vaccum with speculation and action, rather than wait and try to focus on other things.

Here's an alternate theory for you.  Cousin A wants to be a spoiler so when your wife cannot contact you by phone for whatever reason, Ms. A volunteers to mail off a letter explaining her situation.  Of course, Ms. A not only doesn't mail that letter or the next few ones, but then volunteers to call you, which of course she does.  Now your wife might be thinking this is a great help while she is dealing with other family matters....    Little does she know what has been said and done, until her husband, who she thought made a life long commitment to her, files for divorce without even talking to her.

As far as the dark mood, well, what actions are you taking to focus on other things?

I would suggest that you set aside all ideas of looking into any paperwork and not try to "take control" of the situation.  You have very few positive actions you can take.

When you got married, this included ideas like commitment and forgiveness, right?  So try to make sure you do the right things in this difficult situation and don't mistake action for progress in your relationship.

As far as Cousin A, I would leave it for now.  You will only become adversaries with your wife from this.  In the future, when you have some facts, it will be clear what to do with this "information" if anything.  Also, I would stop trying to put your mother in law in the middle of something that is between a husband and a wife.  On one hand you say you want your wife to act like a wife, but on the other hand you want to undermine her position with her mother.  Again, leave it alone for now.  This is a matter between husband and wife.

I want to end this saying that, I am sorry you are going through this difficult time.

[Taliman]

... in response to Re: Two Weeks..., posted by HappyIdiot on Nov 19, 2001

Dear Happy Idiot,
WOW what a great post!  Howard I have nothing to add just ditto to what he just said.
If my head ever gets to clogged I'll know where to go to "the Happy Genious!"

Taliman