Maxim--being da bomb rag that it is--is typically non-pc in its approach. Within its pages can be found a pro-guy mix of sex-tinged humor, semi-nude pics of rise-inducing hotties, Vanity Fair-like articles, must-have gadgets, and flick/music/electronic-game reviews. Some might scorn them for being a nudy mag. (I've yet to see a bare booby on any of its pages), but often, buried within the guy-jinks, is some life-salvaging advice.
Exhibit "M" (as in, MOB):
The June, 2005, edition of Maxim has a relevant article titled "How To: Find a Nice Mail-order Bride." No need to type it word-for-word from the page, as their website has the current edition online.
Thus, enjoy (or flame):
"Just think: For the low, low price of $2,500 to $5,000, you can live miserably ever after!"
Maxim, June 2005
1. Look Smart
Forget catalogs—agencies now hawk women online. Shockingly, not all of them are big on ethics. “Twenty-five percent are flat-out scams,” says Jim Moore, creator of the mail-order blacklist agencyscams.com. Find a reputable outfit with U.S. offices that dates its girls’ photos and profiles. (Moore’s site lists those as well.) Also, visit discussion forums like the one at rwguide.com, where guys as desperate as you explain which firms are legit and which are as useful as a bag of rubles.
2. Promise You’ll Write
Purchase the addresses of your 10 favorite lasses, and, through letters, decide which five could offer lifelong bliss. You’ll be charged translation fees, so forgo pleasantries and quickly find out if she has any wild expectations about having kids or you not banging other chicks. Ask lots of questions, push for details…but don’t ever send money. Be wary of gold diggers, who’ll inquire about your financial status, then try to milk you for American extravagances like English lessons, a winter coat, and food.
3. Study a Broad
Immigration law stipulates that you must meet your foreign bride at least once before she comes home with you, so fly over for a few weeks to date your fab five. “Don’t cut corners on interpreters,” advises Craig Rich, president of the volgagirl.com agency, and don’t treat your time together like a vacation or sexfest. “The closer you can get to simulating day-to-day life, the better,” says Lance Edwards, an rwguide.com discussion-board moderator. So sit around watching Sanford and Son while she does your laundry.
4. Legalize Your Love
Once you’ve chosen the hottest, er, most compatible girl and she agrees to marry you, bring her back using a K-1 fiancée visa (to get one she must do an interview at an American consulate, fill out some paperwork, and claim your sham relationship is real). She’ll have 90 days to frequent McDonald’s and decide if she really wants to live in your shack. If so, she gets an initial two-year green card with the option to renew. If not, her ass flies home—and it’s back to siberiansexfetish.com for you!
Peace, yo!
[Note: Much of the above is painfully obvious to most of you already. Just in case though, I wear a Kevlar vest 24/7, so shooting the messenger will prove futile.]
