A Ladies Point Of View

[latincirfer]

Came across this on a dating site. Any thoughts on the subject?

American Men and Single Foreign Women

I was looking at your website, and although I agree with most of the
advice given about meeting and marrying single foreign women using
dating services, I do think that you need to give a more realistic
view of what foreign women want with American men.

I am a 29-year-old foreign woman living in the US.  No, I am not
married to an America man, and yes, I do like AM (American Men).  The
thing is that most foreign women do like AM.  The idea of the AM, and
what we hear, and see on television is usually very attractive and
well spoken.  So most have that ideal vision of the AM.

Until these men go overseas and we see what we are dealing with.  I
think it is a mistake to give AM the impression that foreign women are
so desperate that any AM will do.  That is not true.  If you have
problems dating women in your own country, maybe you should look at
yourself first, and see if there is something you can do about it.

I, and many of my friends have been disappointed to see many short,
unfit, bad teeth, bad hygiene, bad dressers, poor social skills with
the opposite sex come to my country and expect a goddess because she
has to be desperate, and therefore happy to have them.  Can you please
tell these men that if they choose a woman who is too young, and too
pretty for them (that seems to be they all want, looks, even if they
do not measure up.  What happens when she comes to this country,
begins to work, and realizes that many, many men who are intelligent
and attractive are attracted to her?  She may find that she has
chemistry, real chemistry with a man that she really cares for, who
can also take care of her.  Maybe her American husband had no luck
with women because he never understood women.  Now she has the
attention of many AM, many who are successful with women, and know how
to talk to her, and can choose.

Can you please advise the men that go overseas with expectations for a
wife to be more realistic in their choice.  If an American woman
traveled to a foreign country, a woman who was unkept, or out of
shape, but had a lot of money, got herself as good looking husband (I
know of a man who married such a woman, but we all know why he did it)
all the men would be able to figure out his motives.  They would know
that this would not last, and the second he meets a prettier, younger
American woman, who has financial stability he will leave.

Why?  Because that woman never understood that she needed to get
herself in shape, and develop more social skills and confidence in
order to find the partner she wanted.  Going to another country and
finding a mate did not do anything but give her a temporary partner.
If these men like foreign women so much, why not date ones that have
been in the US 5 years or less?  Most say that by then, she has become
Americanized, and has more of a choice with men.  That is correct, but
how do these men plan to keep their wives from seeing the American
culture, and what is truly available to a beautiful, intelligent
foreign woman.  How long will it take that pretty 20 something girl
married to the 40 something divorced man paying alimony and child
support to figure out that she can have it all and not settle for this
man who married her?

I think if these men are truly looking for a partner, they should look
at women in their 30's and 40's,who may not be so beautiful, but still
better than the women they could have gotten in the US.  I sometimes
feel very sorry for these men looking for the beautiful women, because
I understand that it is easy for both parties to be grateful in the
beginning.  The young girl looks at this man as her savior, and she is
grateful (for now), and the man cannot believe his luck.

Remember, if it looks too good to be true, IT IS!  But after a few
years, her gratefulness begins to disappear, and resentment sets in
when she realizes that she really did not get a prize.  When she goes
to work, or the supermarket, and sees other women with good-looking
successful men, and she wants the same.  Thank you for taking time to
read.  - Article contributed by

[lapentier]

... in response to A Ladies Point Of View, posted by latincirfer on Apr 4, 2005

Thank you for posting this article.  It would appear the writer of the post you found is making some important, but possibly false assumptions:

(1) She assumes they have problems dating in this country.  So far with the friend I for whom I am assisting, the problem has never been "finding" a date.  The problem is a shortage of suitable, marriagable partners.  As welfare reform continues, stable, single men have to really put on the "running shoes" to run from the single mothers.  (Unless, the "insta-family" is to your liking.  In which case, settle down and enjoy.)  

There is also the American geography of distance. When I lived in Eastern Montana, it was almost a couple of hours drive just to find anyone single my age.  In small town America, when high school kids graduate, they move to large cities and college towns, and tend not to return until they are much older or not at all.

(2) She assumes the men and women in the process lack integrity.  This trading up (or down) to a better model stuff shows character problems in both parties.  She assumes there is no virtue in the man, and little fidelity in the woman.  As for the "chemistry" thing, I am sure that would exist in the home country as well as the U.S.  After all, the Latin man is as famous for his charms as the Latin woman, ie. Don Juan...

(3) She assumes the men in the process are making all of their decisions based on appearances, and the women are making all of their decisions based on money.  Admittedly, this may be part of the equation, but any relationship based solely on these factors is really in for a rocky ride anyway.  By the way, why would you want to hide your wife from American culture if you are expecting her to live in this culture?  Several men on this board have written about driving lessons, English classes, etc.

(4) She assumes that these men are neither good-looking or successful.  Not true.  I know several mixed couples with foreign mates.  These tend to be fairly well educated people that are relatively successful.

She does, however, give a couple of what I would consider pieces of good advice:

(1) "If these men like foreign women so much, why not date ones that have been in the US 5 years or less?"  Good idea.  For the more mature men in the group here, do not overlook the population of foreign women in the local university, especially the graduate schools.  These are women who have spent so much time focused on their careers that the pool of marriageable men in their own ethnic population has "dried up", and the biological clock is ticking.  An American man in his 40's and 50's beats what they can find in their own ethnic group "hands-down".  This group, for the most part, are quite serious, and are not "game players."  They don't have time for it.

(2) "I think if these men are truly looking for a partner, they should look at women in their 30's and 40's,who may not be so beautiful, but still better than the women they could have gotten in the US."  Excellent piece of advice.  I know a lot of both men and women who are much more attractive in person that in their photographs.  Not to mention, women in this age group know what they want and are potentially more stable.

Any thoughts on these observations?

[doombug]

... in response to A Ladies Point Of View, posted by latincirfer on Apr 4, 2005

Great stuff.

Her target audience will brush it off, though.

[fencer]

... in response to A Ladies Point Of View, posted by latincirfer on Apr 4, 2005

The guy hardly seems to have misrepresented himself. He's not hiding what the foreign woman sees immediately: he's short, dresses poorly, lacks social skills etc. [though none of these are in and of themselves character flaws].

But the woman ends up marrying him anyways. Why? Because she's a user and lacks integrity.

The guy's biggest crime is he was a fool and got played. The writer downplays the lack of integrity on the part of the "beautiful, intelligent foreign woman". Good luck to any hot AM who marries her, he'll need it:  he can also get traded in for something better and she's proved she takes marriage vows pretty lightly. More likely if the next guy lacks integrity (as in breaking up another guy's marriage) he plays a better game than she does and she'll be left out in the cold. The writer alludes to a ready supply of unmarried "foreign women...that have been in the US 5 years or less". Whence that supply?

I guess the moral is to find a Goddess with integrity, preferably under 30.

[Looking4Wife]

... in response to looks vs integrity, or looks and integri..., posted by fencer on Apr 4, 2005

.

[Onephd]

... in response to A Ladies Point Of View, posted by latincirfer on Apr 4, 2005

I second the emotion, ah ha ha.

Seriously though, its true and there are many women in SA that feel the same way.  All you have to do is ask a lady you are corresonding with if she  has met anyone yet from the agency and what was her impression of him?  

Now there are a lot of good guys with manners and the right expectations that go down to SA and that point should be made.  There are also a lot of dreamers out there too. As Patrick said a while back, we have to stop chasing the hot bodies and starting looking at personality and compatibility as well.  

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: A Ladies Point Of View, posted by Onephd on Apr 4, 2005

So, let me ask a silly question.  Do you think that for the "average" guy, whatever that is; it is feasible to have all three- the hot body, plus a great personality and compatibility too? I do not have any illusions about having movie star looks, but I am a pretty decent, average looking 50 something guy, with good grooming habits, and very good manners.  I will be the very first to agree that we have to be somewhat realistic, but I don't think that any guy here wants to go to all the trouble of travelling to Colombia or wherever, only to find some "average" girl.  I don't plan on settling for anyone.  If I have to go through all this process and expense, I certainly am looking for a spectacular lady!   Right now, I am corresponding with a very special 35 year old in Cali, and I will going to see her soon.  So maybe it can work out for me.  Who knows?   I know that many of you on this board talk about your wonderful, sexy novia or wife.  No offense, but I doubt that many of you are in the so-called "Brad Pitt" category.  Oh, by the way.  I don't see what all the fuss is over that guy.  Now, back in the 80's and 90's, I can see why many women went ga ga over someone like Tom Selleck.  Back then, he was unbelievable!  But, just how many of us look like a Tom Selleck, or Robert Redford (when they were in their prime)?
So, I ask again- as far as Latina Land is concerned, what is realistic?  Frankly, I don't claim to know.

                                 OkieMan

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: Re: A Ladies Point Of View, posted by OkieMan on Apr 4, 2005

OkieMan, you are quite realistic. Your Calena is probably a complete doll but at age 35, most Colombian men are just not interested in a woman that old. Sure they'll sleep with her if they can but they try to get them as young as they can for marriage. My wife knew that she was never going to get married in Colombia so that is why she was receptive to the idea of a gringo. You don't need to settle at all if you stick to women in that age bracket. And you will get some spectacular ladies - to me they are far more attractive than young girls and in the long run, they probably make better wives too.

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: A Ladies Point Of View, posted by utopiacowboy on Apr 5, 2005

Utopiacowboy,

I think that you are right, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that things work out with this lady.  But, if not, I will probably start looking at other ladies around the same age. I must admit that I am a little nervous.  I have been writing to this girl for roughly 3 months now.  She seems very nice.  You have already gone through this process, so you are lucky that you have that behind you.  I just hope that I have the same good fortune as you did.

                            OkieMan

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: A Ladies Point Of View, posted by OkieMan on Apr 5, 2005

Just make sure you have a Plan B. Heck it could even be as crazy as my Plan B. I was on the plane from Miami to Bogota to meet my wife for the first time and I met these two Colombianos on the plane and I told them my story. They were a couple of wild and crazy guys who lived in Miami but they were going home to party for a week or two in Bogota. They gave me their phone numbers and told me if it didn't work out at the airport to give them a call - they'd make sure that my trip to Colombia would not be wasted. And if it did work out, to still give them a call - maybe I could arrange something with my wife's sister. That was my Plan B.

[mudd]

... in response to A Ladies Point Of View, posted by latincirfer on Apr 4, 2005

all true

[OkieMan]

... in response to A Ladies Point Of View, posted by latincirfer on Apr 4, 2005

Latinsirfer,

What site did you see this on?  I was insightful.  It's just too bad that I am already perfect! ha  No, really, it does give all of us some perspective.  Thanks.

                            OkieMan