I Don't Get It

[littlebhuddha]

I don't understand why some men go through all the trouble and expense of marrying a woman from another world and think that they can completely control every minute of her life and when she objects, get drunk and pound the crap out of her. My wife made friends with a lady from Peru that came here on a fiance visa. She has been here for about six months. They have been married for all of 2-3 months. Last night she asked my wife to take her son to our house. Apparently her husband was drunk again and she wanted her son out of the house. With the kid gone, I guess he decided it was time to put the fear of God in her. She ended up calling the police. He hauled ass as soon as she called. Now they are looking for him and she is hiding out at a friends house. Tomorrow she will have a lawyer and he will have a world of sh*t!
Of the 15 or so gringos I know that have married women from South America, Asia or Eastern Europe this is the only one that I knew was going to end up like this.  They are few and far between but they are out there. A word of advice to gringos thinking of marrying a maid or a punching bag, think again. This gentleman is looking at a very expensive divorce and criminal trial. He had a pot of gold but pissed in it. If you think you can put these women under your thumb and control their every thought and movement your are wrong. If that is what they were willing to accept they would never leave their homes. As for latinas, they make wonderful wives. They will treat you like a king but you need to treat them like queens.

[Brazilophile]

I don't understand why some men go through all the trouble and expense of marrying a woman from another world and think that they can completely control every minute of her life and when she objects, get drunk and pound the crap out of her.

I do.  So they can benefit from the same sweetness and beauty that the rest of us are also looking for.  

What I REALLY do not understand is why a woman is willing to marry an alcoholic, or at least is willing to marry a man before she can determine whether or not he is a violent drunkard.   I wish there were more ladies who post on this site so we can get a woman's perspective on this point.

Years ago, I listened to a young lady bemoan the behavior of her boyfriend who got drunk at a party they went to and started a fight.  According to her, he had had drinking problems since his teenage years.   But she always tried to 'cure' him rather than leave him.  So once again, for the umpteenth time, he and alcohol didn't mix well, and once again, for the upteenth time, she put herself in the middle of it.

Men have no excuse for being violent with a loved one.   Women have no excuse for repeatedly staying with violent men.  If her house was too violent for her son, then it was too violent for her.  

[littlebhuddha]

I hear what you are saying but I have to give her props for getting out as quickly as she did. Most women hang around for years. According to her this was the first time he has done this so I'm not sure she was expecting it. She said he was a perfect angel during the visits to Peru and until shortly after the wedding when he started being verbally abusive and controlling. To me a perfect angel is a red flag. There simply are no perfect angels and anyone trying to project one is hiding something.

[Brazilophile]

To me a perfect angel is a red flag. There simply are no perfect angels and anyone trying to project one is hiding something.

That is an excellent observation and is excellent advice for anyone smart enough to listen!

[Montrealer]

The media and feminists put such an ugly spin on international relationships and "mail order brides", that it actually works as an advertising campaign for these types of guys to come out of their holes and look abroad.

The media often reports of how women are controlled, physically abused, emotionally abused, deprived and so on.  So the men that have these kinds of issues and have trouble finding women that will tolerate them here in NA, heading south for what is described as a "typical" mail order bride, seems like a good idea for some men that fall into the above category.

In the same aspects, it's the reason why IMBRA was created, which when you hear of stories like this, it doesn't seem like that bad of an idea.  I'm still not a fan of it and think it's unfair to the good men, but it does have it's advantages.

[Beattledog]

I wonder if she knew if this man drank a lot before she married him.  No man should do this to a woman.

beattledog

[littlebhuddha]

The thing that really pisses me of is that the media will take a story like this and make it sound commonplace when in reality it happens less in our community than it does in the general population. I too am anti-IMBRA and for harsher penalties in general for abusers. You hit it on the nose Monty. It's the media that lets these guys think they can do this.
I don't think he displayed this behavior when he was visiting her in Peru. If he did then maybe Brazilophile nailed it.

[Montrealer]

Guys that fit the decription of the guy you wrote about, generally know how to act appropriatley, but they just don't want to.  He probably acted his azz off on his trip south so he can lure her in.  However, he probably did give some signs, and when she looks back, she'll probably say that she should have noticed them.

Hopefully everything works out for her and her son.

Please keep us posted.

[Brazilophile]

Guys that fit the decription of the guy you wrote about, generally know how to act appropriatley, but they just don't want to.  He probably acted his azz off on his trip south so he can lure her in.  However, he probably did give some signs, and when she looks back, she'll probably say that she should have noticed them.

Hopefully everything works out for her and her son.

Please keep us posted.

I disagree with guys acting their azzes off when they go South.  No one except psychopaths can wear a mask for a long time.  Drinkers need to drink.  The key is to be around them long enough to see when they drink and how much.  If a woman agrees to a relationship too fast, then she might not know the goods she is getting.  The same mistake that we men sometimes make.

I was recently in Cali and met a bunch of guys at the place I stayed.  One was a drinker, and he knew it.  In the evenings I rarely saw him without a bottle of beer in his hand.  When he met ladies, he often brought them a beer as well.  To me this is something a woman should look out for, heavy drinking.  Anyone could plainly see how much he drank.  If a woman is comfortable with it, then good for her.  If not, then she knows what she needs to do, pass on him.

I think the bigger problem lies in some women thinking that, except for his drinking, a man is otherwise such a good catch, handsome, good job, faithful, that they tolerate the drinking or delude themselves into deciding that they can handle his drinking or change him.  Then after they marry and the reality of daily life sets in, she realizes too late that she is in over her head.

[Montrealer]

I think the bigger problem lies in some women thinking that, except for his drinking, a man is otherwise such a good catch, handsome, good job, faithful, that they tolerate the drinking or delude themselves into deciding that they can handle his drinking or change him. Then after they marry and the reality of daily life sets in, she realizes too late that she is in over her head.

This is another problem that does occur.  Most women think they can change men and there bad habits.  Some habits, they can like picking up our socks (sometimes) or putting the toilet seat down (I've already been trained the first marriage).  But drinking heavily is an addiction, and they will never change unless they want to.

You were right on about moving too fast into a relationship and not knowinbg what the other person is truly like until its too late.

[Beattledog]

very few people will change after they are married.

beattledog

[Premio]

It is sad to read what this woman from Peru went through with her Drunken husband. I'm happy to read that she was proactive and called the police before things got really bad for her and may be her son.

Her husband deserve what he gets from the law for treating her like that.

[fathertime]

gentleman is looking at a very expensive divorce and criminal trial. He had a pot of gold but pissed in it. If you think you can put these women under your thumb and control their every thought and movement your are wrong. If that is what they were willing to accept they would never leave their homes. As for latinas, they make wonderful wives. They will treat you like a king but you need to treat them like queens.

Thanks for reminding me of that little tidbit I highlighted.  I have found that to be 100% accurate for me.  Treating the wife exceptionally well is the catalyst for many good things.  Lots of effort is required at times, but that is just how it goes.


Fathertime!

[Alabamaboy!]

Thanks for reminding me of that little tidbit I highlighted.  I have found that to be 100% accurate for me.  Treating the wife exceptionally well is the catalyst for many good things.  Lots of effort is required at times, but that is just how it goes.


Fathertime!

I can't agree with this completely because a lot of women I have been with, especially Latinas seem to respond worse to queen-like treatment and almost seem like they thrive on misery and drama. It is like they watch too many telenovelas or something and feel "that" is the norm.

 And also during my search I met up with quite a few ladies who admitted they were treated well by guys but seemed they were always looking to "upgrade". 

[InnocentVixen]

To me a perfect angel is a red flag. There simply are no perfect angels and anyone trying to project one is hiding something.

What it is a perfect angel for you might not be the perfect angel for someone else, I feel this was in part the reason my ex got tired of pretending (which I must add, in my eyes he was not perfect, but simply a good man with some minor flaws... until I saw the real side of him that is) he assumed I was pretending too and then his frustration escalated to abuse when he saw no change in my personality, often making comments such as "I know you are hidding something" or "drop the miss perfect act" he was so damaged that the thought of someone being sincere from the start never crossed his mind.


After that experience I consider myself lucky to have the means to visit, a lot of ladies out there don't have this option and are limited to meeting the guy when he has the time to visit her (or when he feels in the mood for it) usually in a vacation kind of environment where it's easy to be nice and relaxed or just pretend to be someone you are not, it's not hard when it's just short periods of time, also you have to take in mind that the difference in cultures makes most people be a little more tolerating because you are not sure if it's a cultural difference or something to be alarmed about or even worth noticing, by the sounds of it women in Colombia must consider normal to see a man with a beer in his hand on regular basis, I know depending on the area and social circles you move around in Mexico, that can certainly be considered common.


As for treating your woman like a queen, I think it's perfectly safe, unless you decided to marry a spoiled immature brat, in that case no matter how good or bad you are to her, or her nationality for that matter, you will end up in drama.

[Jeff S]

As for treating your woman like a queen, I think it's perfectly safe, unless you decided to marry a spoiled immature brat, in that case no matter how good or bad you are to her, or her nationality for that matter, you will end up in drama.

Amen, IV!


It always has to be a two way street. Sincerity, trust and opening up to each other, have to be mutual, IMO, or both go away unsatisfied. In every relationship that ended up in problems that I've ever seen, that quality was lacking.


BTW, abuse goes both ways too: http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm

SUMMARY:  This bibliography examines 282 scholarly investigations: 218 empirical studies and 64 reviews and/or analyses, which demonstrate that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners.  The aggregate sample size in the reviewed studies exceeds 369,800.

So it isn't all about evil drunk wife beaters preying on the sweet innocent women just trying to be great wives. It's a major problem that both sides have to be aware of, and not tolerate from someone that they supposedly love and who loves them.

[utopiacowboy]

Always ask yourself what would a Colombiano do? A Colombiano never lets his woman feel that she's got him by the cajones, in fact quite the contrary, she is usually not sure whether he will dump her ass for someone else.

[Researcher]

  I don't know about treating her like a queen but having patience has went a long way in my relationship. When my wife has made a mistake or something I try to be positive about the situation:


               


     Researcher

[whitey]

I believe in treating your spouse well, but the idea of treating her like a queen and calling her "mi reina" or "mi princesa" has always rubbed me the wrong way.  A friend of mine and his (now ex) novia would call each other "mi reina" this and "mi rey" that ... it was like fingernails on a chalkboard for me.

I guess the words queen or princess for me have the connotation that they should be put on a pedestal, that somehow they are better than everyone else, that they deserve better things, that they should be worshipped, etc.

I try to let my wife know that she is very special (to me) every day, that she is loved and valued - I don't want her to have any insecurity about that, especially since it's difficult enough to maintain a good relationship in the distance.  And also because she's an amazing person - she deserves it.  I'd like to think that I treat her well, but I certainly don't spoil her, and not because it's her divine right as a "queen".

I'm fortunate because she's a very loving, affectionate, patient, warm-hearted, generous person ... any love and affection I give to her is returned back to me ten-fold ...

[Researcher]

     Hey Whitey, Those Colombianas love the pet names don't they.I didn't care much for the standard ones they use like mi vida. I don't mean to gross anyone out but I made up some pet names in Spanish to call my wife.She loves them.

    The big advantage to that is I can use these pet names to my wife in front of other people and since my guy friends don't speak Spanish they don't bust my chops!!

      Researcher

[whitey]

     Hey Whitey, Those Colombianas love the pet names don't they.I didn't care much for the standard ones they use like mi vida. I don't mean to gross anyone out but I made up some pet names in Spanish to call my wife.She loves them.

    The big advantage to that is I can use these pet names to my wife in front of other people and since my guy friends don't speak Spanish they don't bust my chops!!

      Researcher

Yeah, I'm not a big fan of using "mi vida" or "mi cielo", etc myself ... because they are too common ... although I do like and use "mi amor".   I also like the fact that the language and culture are so affectionate.

My wife likes to call me "my honey" ... not "honey", "MY honey" with a heavy accent on the "h" that almost sounds like she's clearing her throat (although the accent is starting to diminish now).  Gotta say I love her voice when she says it.

I'll spare you guys the pet names I have for her ... gotta maintain my tough, James Bond-like image ...

[fathertime]

Well I guess i was about the only one to relate with littlebuddha then!  I have found that treating the wife like a queen works wonders, although I don't ever say stupid things like mi Reina, mi vida....i'm talking about other aspects of the relationship....and taking care of her concerns...it pays off...well at least that has been my experience...


Fathertime!

[whitey]

Well I guess i was about the only one to relate with littlebuddha then!  I have found that treating the wife like a queen works wonders, although I don't ever say stupid things like mi Reina, mi vida....i'm talking about other aspects of the relationship....and taking care of her concerns...it pays off...well at least that has been my experience...
Fathertime!

For me it may just be semantics ... I really don't like the words queen and princess, and what they imply to me.

Like good ole Dr. Phil says, a relationship shouldn't be 50-50 ... it should be 100-100 ... each person should give to the other as much as they have to give.  So FT, we probably agree with each other except for the choice of words.

Most of us, especially those who have been married before to gringas, have experienced that awful, competitive, 50-50, tit-for-tat relationship ... and that's why we're looking or have found something much better in Latin America.

[robert angel]

Whitey,
Re:
 
>>For me it may just be semantics ... I really don't like the words queen and princess, and what they imply to me.<<
 
I hear you! In our house, I'm 'Boo Boo' and she's 'Boobula'. On a real bad day (rare, thankfully) I'm 'Robert'. If she calls me anything besides 'Boo' or Honey', I begin to feel for the 'vibe' that's probably out there effecting the change.
 
Queens and Princesses are typically spoiled and not in touch with reality. I do like to give my wife little gifts and surprises, but sometimes I worry I might be spoiling her. Why the other day, I left a mushy little note in her lunch box and the very same day, I presented her with some roses when I got home. I sure am glad my neighbors keep that rose garden watered and fertilized!

[whitey]

I think you may have just set yourself up for some merciless ribbing about your nickname there Robert!  I'm not going to be the first to jump on the pile though. 

I don't think my wife has ever called me by my real name (David), except when she is introducing me to someone else. Even when she's angry with me it's "mi amor" ... but definitely not "my honey" ... hahaha.