Seeking advice from survivors!!

[mambocowboy]

Now see Rob, there you go again writing a great story (non-fiction).  You give great insight to these forums and much hope to the men looking to find the same dream come true relationship.


You may have an idea on how similar your story is to many of the men in the US, but you have no idea how helpful you are still sharing what you've been through.  I find it a bit disturbing that only you and cowboy were the only 2, if i'm not mistaken that replied back to this forum thus far and shared some wisdom.  Or, perhaps everyone else is just enjoying their happy life.


But as i was saying, your journey is very similar and especially to mine. I wasted a lot of time chasing women in NY and everywhere i traveled to in my 20's and 30's, but i never considered marrying a foreign woman until I started researching it.  I'm rolling on at 43 now, but I know i'm still young and able to start my search for a good wife and raise up a family with her.  I watch my healthy pretty closely so i'm sure I'm still a good catch, except for the fortune i spent trying to start failed businesses.  But it's the journey in all this that has made me much wiser and like you, i said, ok i'm 40 now, that's it, i'm gonna do things the right way so i left my job and starting working on everything i wanted for myself.  I'm back to work now, but i'm more clear minded than I've ever been.


I'm looking forward to my trip to barranquilla to visit Jamie's spot, but i may not make my final decision then and there. The second trip i will find a hotel nearby and date locally as someone on the forum once suggested. I'm surrounded by beautiful spanish women here in NY, especially the bronx, unfortunately, they are either married, have 2 or 3 kids, or are much younger and looking for someone to take care of them.


Luckily, I managed to not make any kids thus far, so i'm good there, but i still want that.  I currently live in NY and let me tell you, all the trouble i had in the past with good looking women, trying to get into a relationship with them, and now to see many of them having 3 kids, 2 kids, well lets just say i have trouble shaking them off. They throwing that pussy at me every weekend they have a chance to get away from their kids. And if i meet a woman with no children, Ay dios mio!!, she is so f****** picky, and disrespectful and lazy and has such a bad attitude towards anything we may happen to disagree with. I'm done with all that. I'm gonna write something amazing one day as you've been doing in this forum.


Remind me again how you guys met Rob? Which country is she from? And great post as always bro!!

Turning 40 was life changing for me too. All of a sudden I had the idea to start looking overseas and never looked back. Once you know what you want in life....

[robert angel]

There's a lot that a number of guys here could contribute. The starts and stops, mis steps and more. Everyone's journey is different.

Maybe some guys don't want to talk about things that aren't great, the bumps along the way. I really don't know.

But learning from failure, not quitting, not painting all women the same way just because some did you wrong, that helped me.

You fall off the horse, dust yourself off and get back on....

I met my wife thru a Filipina who of all places, lived in Vermont. We met in an international chat room on Yahoo, back when that site was still a big deal. Anyway, she tried to fix me up with her sister. Her sister was very nice, but we weren't 'right' for each other. To her credit, she didn't get angry with me.

Here's the hinge though. I didn't just stop communicating like folks online typically do. We all stayed cordial, I got to know her Vermont raised husband too Not being bitter or put out, they introduced me to my wife, who they'd met on Yahoo and got to know each other.

Therein lies a hint. Spread your web wide. I cultivated friendships online with a lot of people of all ages. In my trips too, face to face. Everybody's got freinds, relatives, info on where to stay, eat, where to go. I had Grandmothers, taxi drivers, hotel doormen etc, all helping me out, trying to match me up.

But women older than me in particular, helped me a lot in learning about the culture. Some of them offered to match me up, and importantly, explained their were several types of women out there, and how things really worked.

Here's but a few types: the cute, young, pretty babe, usually just with a high school education if that,  who just wants to see some nice hotels, resorts, maybe have you buy her a bathing suit, a few travel outfits. A travel partner, with ''benefits'. Nothing perverse or underhanded.

Then there were, and these were usually women 25 to 35 years old, that you had to spend at least a few days close to their home first, but relatives of the 'match maker' who were educated, held jobs. Some of them had a child or two. These match makers, often important women in their families and hometowns, also were often honest about the availibility of 'easy' women the pitfalls there, while typically not damning them. Very 'matter of fact' but helpful to a foriegner who might not otherwise see the distinctions between these and other types of women, including differences between more rurally raised and city raised women. That's a whole topic in it's own right.

But getting to know people, making postive impressions, saying that (however unlikely) that if they came to my area of  the country, I'd show them around, all that increased my circle of prospects exponentially. Just being 'nice' and not coming off like some 'big shot' can get you a long way.

Two sided sword there though, in that you might spend a lot more time and money checking possibilities out, but then again you've got people in the inside, telling you how things, usually how 'people', really are. It just can give you more info on women than an online profile or agency typically can, although I hear that Jamie really does a good job of all that, down in Colombia. I've heard he's 'got your back' pretty well, one of the last agencies worth their salt.

But like in life in general, not burning your bridges after passing through an experience, that's usually a better approach with relationships, I think. Although they say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", lol and I dated some Latinas that before we split, got madder than bobcats in burlap bags, before eventually (usually) chilling out. Almost every woman I've ever had a relationship with would still give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek today, which I think is great.

I was in a meeting not so long ago and by chance, a woman I was hot n heavy with almost 30 years before, when I was in my early twenties, was there. Man, we used to get hot enough
that the wallpaper came off the walls, lol.

What could've been an uncomfortable occasion, was instead great and afterwards, discussing all the wild n crazy stuff we did togther, where our lives had taken us, it was all great.

I tell my sons not to just 'hit and run' but to try and end things well and when things, as they occasionally do, flameout in a bad way, to try and not look back in anger. It only clouds the mind, creating bad energy.

Reach!

[Researcher]

So you've gone to baranquilla or other places in colombia and found your dream girl.  You brought your wife back to the US and got married.  I'm calling out to the guys that made it happen and were successful.  I've never seen an aftermath post, so i thought i'd put one out there to see if this is a successful venture. How's life going with your foreign bride 1yr 2yrs or even 5 years and beyond? Was it everything you expected it to be? Any regrets that newbies like myself should be looking out for? And if you didn't make it are  you going to go back and try again?

My Colombiana and I just celebrated our 10th year anniversary. Best thing I have ever done. I was married twice before to American women and neither marriage lasted more than 3 years.

What you should be looking out for is not getting caught up in having so many choices that you lose sight of what you really want in a relationship. Be realistic. There are some awesome women out there and there are many phonies. I was lucky enough that my wife turned out to be the real deal.

[Neoblk40]

That's awesome Researcher!!! Thanks for sharing man.  I will definitely keep this in mind. Did you guys meet online, on a marriage tour, or vacation? I'm kinda trying to give myself time to try all 3 of these options.

[Neoblk40]

Rob, thanks for the deep advice as well. Your definitely right about keeping the friends network going. I used to chat it up with this girl I met online who lived in Honduras. We've been chat buddies for like 2 years. She always remembers my birthday, and every relative holiday to the US. I was surprised in some cases that she kept in touch so much. Ofcourse, she could have been looking for the green card, but you never know. After many photo exchanges and chats, things kinda drifted off. I feel bad about it too. She always asks if i met my novia yet.  We just didn't have that romantic anything while chatting ya know or any sexting play.  On the other hand i don't want a sexting with me all the time, but somewhere in the middle would have been nice. Anyways, my gaze is now on Colombia.


I can't tell you the amount of time i heard someone on Jamie's sight say DONT EMAIL them and then go met them in Colombia.  Seeing is believing according to many. So i'm thinking about it hard. Im figuring when i get down there i will meet a few ladies that will keep me very busy over the chat lines until next year when i go back.

[Researcher]

That's awesome Researcher!!! Thanks for sharing man.  I will definitely keep this in mind. Did you guys meet online, on a marriage tour, or vacation? I'm kinda trying to give myself time to try all 3 of these options.

We met thru an agency in Bogota. She has been in the US 9 years. Since then she has learned how to drive, learned English, got her GED here, earned a bachelors degree from a major university and now she is an accountant working for the State. She has accomplished more in this time than many accomplish their whole life.

[mambocowboy]

We met thru an agency in Bogota. She has been in the US 9 years. Since then she has learned how to drive, learned English, got her GED here, earned a bachelors degree from a major university and now she is an accountant working for the State. She has accomplished more in this time than many accomplish their whole life.

Not surprising for a cachaca. Barranquilleras have more difficulty adjusting,  generally...

[Researcher]

Not surprising for a cachaca. Barranquilleras have more difficulty adjusting,  generally...

Her biggest adjustment has been getting used to living in the small town we live in.

[Neoblk40]

Beautiful Researcher. You guys are all my heroes man. Wow, she did all that too, nice!!  What's even greater is that you and your wife really survived and lasted for 10 years. I hear too many stories that sound great, up until 3 to 5 years then, boom, they back in the hunt! I myself am trying really, really hard to avoid that from happening.  Do you think living in a small town helps?

[robert angel]

Beautiful Researcher. You guys are all my heroes man. Wow, she did all that too, nice!!  What's even greater is that you and your wife really survived and lasted for 10 years. I hear too many stories that sound great, up until 3 to 5 years then, boom, they back in the hunt! I myself am trying really, really hard to avoid that from happening.  Do you think living in a small town helps?

It's a great story, really exceptional. For sooo many foriegn women, just the language barrier in the USA is too much. They fall in with a circle of friends who speak the same language, don't get out much beyond their immediate 'comfort zone' and don't acclimate to their new country. I would imagine there was just the right amount of luck, timing and using sound judgement to make it happen initially. Then it likely took a lot of team work and encouragement to get the momentum going to establish her success here and to keep it going, as roles like strictly dependent,  to student, to working came to be.

A lesser man might have tried, conciously or unconciously, to hold her back and keep her dependent upon him.

But ten years married in the USA for anybody, is an impressive benchmark more than ever before.

[Researcher]

Beautiful Researcher. You guys are all my heroes man. Wow, she did all that too, nice!!  What's even greater is that you and your wife really survived and lasted for 10 years. I hear too many stories that sound great, up until 3 to 5 years then, boom, they back in the hunt! I myself am trying really, really hard to avoid that from happening.  Do you think living in a small town helps?

I was your age when I married so you are probably mature enough to make a good decision. It helped me anyway. I do not believe living in a small town has as much to do with it as my wife turned out to be such a good person. You never know from the beginning but I got lucky.

[Researcher]

It's a great story, really exceptional. For sooo many foriegn women, just the language barrier in the USA is too much. They fall in with a circle of friends who speak the same language, don't get out much beyond their immediate 'comfort zone' and don't acclimate to their new country. I would imagine there was just the right amount of luck, timing and using sound judgement to make it happen initially. Then it likely took a lot of team work and encouragement to get the momentum going to establish her success here and to keep it going, as roles like strictly dependent,  to student, to working came to be.

A lesser man might have tried, conciously or unconciously, to hold her back and keep her dependent upon him.

But ten years married in the USA for anybody, is an impressive benchmark more than ever before.

Thanks Robert. I did not want my wife to be too dependent on me. I am 10 years older than her and who knows what could happen. She still has things to learn that will help her. Sometimes she depends on me a little too much so I do encourage her to be independent.

[vikingo]

Haven't had time to read all these posts, so I may repeat what others have said. I am now in my third relationship with a colombiana. The first was an academic, a tall, slender caleña, very interesting woman, played the acoustic guitar like a pro and had a beautiful singing voice but was such a spendthrift that we drifted apart after 5 years. An excellent family though, almost all academics. She actually had 11 cousins of which every single one had studied medicine. She worked off and on teaching courses at universities but her income was a drop on a hot stone for her spending habits. She came from a family and from an ex husband with means and couldn't adjust to a regular guy like me.
The second was a costeña with a body that would make a grown man lose his senses and was excellent in helping out with Spanish and medical appointments and she even liked to cook. She had a diploma as a preschool teacher but found that kind of work too stressful and I ended up supporting her. I despised her family, except for one niece who was in her early teens and kind of spoke fluent English. This woman was 33 when we first met and almost 40 when we broke up. I tried to get out of the city since I'm basically a country boy but she didn't want any part of it as almost all Colombian women are extremely family oriented and like to live close to the family.
Be prepared if you're thinking of living in Colombia or returning here with your wife to live in retirement that wherever her family lives, that's where you are going to live with her. So if a colder climate like Bogotá appeals to you, don't look for a costeña bride or visa versa.
Well,  colombiana number three came into my life, almost two years ago, a small town woman from the deep South, a woman of color but with a pure Indio father and half my age. She loves to work, is very honest, decent and of good character and we get along great and I really like her family. Her and I do clash however in our political views as she likes Obama and I am a Trump supporter, hahaha. So I learned early in the relationship to avoid political discussions at all cost. I am northern European, I can't possibly put my self in the role of a Black person. They've had their problems with discrimination in the past, we've also had our problems, all my male ancestors being sent off to battle and dying young, except for one uncle who came back and actually lived to be 94.

I've learned since living here since 2005, most colombianas are materialistic and are convinced that gringos have unlimited funds.
A good number of colombianas are dreaming of a life in the United States, they see as a land of milk and honey. Many are disenchanted though after a while if friends and family can't see them and envy them in their modern home or driving their own car, so it often becomes meaningless.
For some colombianas it's more important to live in the United States then is the person who actually brought them there, her American husband. What ever you found enchanting when you met your bride, her unspoiled attitude, serving you on hand and foot and worrying about your well-being will soon fade away as she becomes Americanized, for a simple reason as has been mentioned here earlier, she will run into Spanish speaking people who will explain to her that she no longer lives in a men's world but has rights now that she could only dream off in her home country. This isn't always to your advantage, you will become less important to her and will soon find yourself doing the dishes when you get home from work while she is recovering from a stressful day of watching novelas on Canál Univisión.
If a colombiana has a son she sees in him the man she fell in love with but who deserted her - but her son will never leave her or betray her, he will always be her son, her flesh and blood and support her when she is too old to work, so she thinks. Might even be true in many cases.
The gringo will almost never be the most important person in her life. Accept that her son comes first, her mom second and you are third in line with any luck, before her daughter, her dad, her siblings and numerous other family members. Such is the Latin culture. Sometimes you are even reduced to not being more than her señor cajero, her Mr. ATM.
You are expected to care for her mom if your wife stopped working,  after you appeared on the scene . Few elderly people in Colombia receive any kind of old age pension and are dependent on help from the family. I had an experience that sons and daughters who all chipped in for years to help mom suddenly withdrew their help because I was there now with my 'unlimited' funds.
Helping mom, and also dad in some cases doesn't only amount to rent, utilities and groceries, but they often have health problems at their advanced age, many have diabetes which is extremely prevalent under the Latino population.
The Red Cross like medical care they receive from the State is mediocre, seldom pays when life-threatening operations are necessary with people above a certain age and the entire family has to chip in to pay for surgery in a private clinic, if they can come up with the money that is, if not the patient is doomed. With a gringo in the family this is no longer a problem of course, what self-respecting gringo could say no in a case like that and let someone die because of a few grand. After surgery fairly expensive medication is needed for the recovery process for which the state insurance doesn't pay of course, but at least the gringo is there to help.

You have to be very careful since the beginning how generous you want to be with her and her family or you will be nickled and dimed to death and once you helped everyone as best you could it's very difficult to stop the bleeding or your relationship with her and the family will never be the same as you suddenly turned into a tacaño, a miser.
It has also been my experience that many people here have no conception of handling money, don't worry about tomorrow, splurge on expensive sound equipment or drinking beer all weekend when the kids need shoes, nor can they accept that a gringo has limits of spending his hard-earned money.

[mambocowboy]

Haven't had time to read all these posts, so I may repeat what others have said. I am now in my third relationship with a colombiana. The first was an academic, a tall, slender caleña, very interesting woman, played the acoustic guitar like a pro and had a beautiful singing voice but was such a spendthrift that we drifted apart after 5 years. An excellent family though, almost all academics. She actually had 11 cousins of which every single one had studied medicine. She worked off and on teaching courses at universities but her income was a drop on a hot stone for her spending habits. She came from a family and from an ex husband with means and couldn't adjust to a regular guy like me.
The second was a costeña with a body that would make a grown man lose his senses and was excellent in helping out with Spanish and medical appointments and she even liked to cook. She had a diploma as a preschool teacher but found that kind of work too stressful and I ended up supporting her. I despised her family, except for one niece who was in her early teens and kind of spoke fluent English. This woman was 33 when we first met and almost 40 when we broke up. I tried to get out of the city since I'm basically a country boy but she didn't want any part of it as almost all Colombian women are extremely family oriented and like to live close to the family.
Be prepared if you're thinking of living in Colombia or returning here with your wife to live in retirement that wherever her family lives, that's where you are going to live with her. So if a colder climate like Bogotá appeals to you, don't look for a costeña bride or visa versa.
Well,  colombiana number three came into my life, almost two years ago, a small town woman from the deep South, a woman of color but with a pure Indio father and half my age. She loves to work, is very honest, decent and of good character and we get along great and I really like her family. Her and I do clash however in our political views as she likes Obama and I am a Trump supporter, hahaha. So I learned early in the relationship to avoid political discussions at all cost. I am northern European, I can't possibly put my self in the role of a Black person. They've had their problems with discrimination in the past, we've also had our problems, all my male ancestors being sent off to battle and dying young, except for one uncle who came back and actually lived to be 94.

I've learned since living here since 2005, most colombianas are materialistic and are convinced that gringos have unlimited funds.
A good number of colombianas are dreaming of a life in the United States, they see as a land of milk and honey. Many are disenchanted though after a while if friends and family can't see them and envy them in their modern home or driving their own car, so it often becomes meaningless.
For some colombianas it's more important to live in the United States then is the person who actually brought them there, her American husband. What ever you found enchanting when you met your bride, her unspoiled attitude, serving you on hand and foot and worrying about your well-being will soon fade away as she becomes Americanized, for a simple reason as has been mentioned here earlier, she will run into Spanish speaking people who will explain to her that she no longer lives in a men's world but has rights now that she could only dream off in her home country. This isn't always to your advantage, you will become less important to her and will soon find yourself doing the dishes when you get home from work while she is recovering from a stressful day of watching novelas on Canál Univisión.
If a colombiana has a son she sees in him the man she fell in love with but who deserted her - but her son will never leave her or betray her, he will always be her son, her flesh and blood and support her when she is too old to work, so she thinks. Might even be true in many cases.
The gringo will almost never be the most important person in her life. Accept that her son comes first, her mom second and you are third in line with any luck, before her daughter, her dad, her siblings and numerous other family members. Such is the Latin culture. Sometimes you are even reduced to not being more than her señor cajero, her Mr. ATM.
You are expected to care for her mom if your wife stopped working,  after you appeared on the scene . Few elderly people in Colombia receive any kind of old age pension and are dependent on help from the family. I had an experience that sons and daughters who all chipped in for years to help mom suddenly withdrew their help because I was there now with my 'unlimited' funds.
Helping mom, and also dad in some cases doesn't only amount to rent, utilities and groceries, but they often have health problems at their advanced age, many have diabetes which is extremely prevalent under the Latino population.
The Red Cross like medical care they receive from the State is mediocre, seldom pays when life-threatening operations are necessary with people above a certain age and the entire family has to chip in to pay for surgery in a private clinic, if they can come up with the money that is, if not the patient is doomed. With a gringo in the family this is no longer a problem of course, what self-respecting gringo could say no in a case like that and let someone die because of a few grand. After surgery fairly expensive medication is needed for the recovery process for which the state insurance doesn't pay of course, but at least the gringo is there to help.

You have to be very careful since the beginning how generous you want to be with her and her family or you will be nickled and dimed to death and once you helped everyone as best you could it's very difficult to stop the bleeding or your relationship with her and the family will never be the same as you suddenly turned into a tacaño, a miser.
It has also been my experience that many people here have no conception of handling money, don't worry about tomorrow, splurge on expensive sound equipment or drinking beer all weekend when the kids need shoes, nor can they accept that a gringo has limits of spending his hard-earned money.

Thanks for sharing.  Lots of hard earned wisdom in this post....

[Calipro]

If a colombiana has a son she sees in him the man she fell in love with but who deserted her - but her son will never leave her or betray her, he will always be her son, her flesh and blood and support her when she is too old to work, so she thinks. Might even be true in many cases.The gringo will almost never be the most important person in her life. Accept that her son comes first,

I can accept that her son comes first....because I plan on putting our son or daughter first.

With all the women to choose from..... why would you ever marry a woman with another guy's children.
And if you did...... why would you ever complain about it.

I also think every man should put his mother ahead of his wife....for the simple reason that no woman will ever love you more or be more loyal to you that your own mother. So she can love her mother more than me if she wants.

[mambocowboy]

I can accept that her son comes first....because I plan on putting our son or daughter first.

With all the women to choose from..... why would you ever marry a woman with another guy's children.
And if you did...... why would you ever complain about it.

I also think every man should put his mother ahead of his wife....for the simple reason that no woman will ever love you more or be more loyal to you that your own mother. So she can love her mother more than me if she wants.

No one will ever love me unconditionally like my mom. One of the great things about my wife is she's great with my mom. She bathed her after surgery , cooks for her, and has patience with her no one else does... But I know of a Venezolana who treats her husband like an atm even though he's raising her two sons by another man, and she treats his mom poorly to boot ...i would never tolerate a woman who disrespected my mom. That, along with mistreating my kids, would be absolute deal breakers...

[Elexpatriado]

All this talk about rankings, number one, 2, 3, 4..


Who cares, these are different types of relationships..


This aint "Sophies choice"


Even if you feel you are lower on the totem pole than the family dog...why worry about it? If you are getting what you want out of the relationship..


If not..just move on..

[vikingo]

Don't anyone get me wrong, I agree that anybodies mother should come first. The way many Colombian women are fuzzing over their son is debatable though as many mothers have a tendency to excuse bad behavior, find excuses for everything and spoil the kid to no end. That has been my observation anyway with several single mom's. An example on gf#1: "Why didn't your son finish law school?" " Because being an attorney in this country is a very dangerous profession". An other question on mother in law of gf #2: Why doesn't your son work and relies on the income of his wife?" (a cashier at Western Union). "Because he is 40 now and can't find work". She failed to mention that he got fired from his last employment as a security guard because he got caught drinking on the job and that was the end of his career. They also have three children, two are minors.
The newcomer on the forum asked for advise, I shared my experiences so the man knows what problems he could be faced with. I believe it's always best to be prepared for the worst. The biggest hurdle with Colombian women for me was how much their decisions are influenced by their families and how siblings and cousins are envious of her because she is better off now with a gringo in her life, even to the point of talking bad about foreigners in general.

[Neoblk40]

You all have great points. Vikingo you did sound a bit grim on the topic, but, IT IS good to know and be prepared for the worst.  Im from NY and i speak to tourists and people out of state all the time and I give them the same speech about NY's worst things that can happen.  This allows them to avoid getting robbed, wripped off or taken advantage of. If they can avoid these things and enjoy their time in NY, they will love it.  I don't hate NY, in fact im enjoying it now more in my older years. With that being said i wouldn't want to marry ANYONE from NY or stay in NY to live the rest of my life. That's just me, but Im just making a point about giving advice.


On another note, I'm also from the carribean or at least my family is, but i was raised here in America....... which is different than being American in some ways. And i've heard some family say the good the bad and the ugly about the American culture, but when we travel to some of the islands people want you to help them come to America by marriage or some other family arrangements.  One thing that America is lacking these days is patriotism, every country should have that.  But also every person that comes to america should understand the constitution and american government and how it works in it's own right.  This is what makes America the greatest country in the world.  My wife is going to be a person that understands this fully and is ok with Trump being president or she's not welcome.  These days that kinda arguing can end a relationship.  Things are bad these days. Family is all you got there in the carribean in some cases, not because of poverty either, but many times it's because of patriotism and love for your people and your country and for God.  Not necessarily in that order.  It's just the way it's always been and before all the conquering went on.  It's not just Colombia trust me. (Disclaimer: My dad came here legally and served in the US Army).
[/size]
Nevertheless, here's my point.  Travel the islands, south america, Asia and wherever and make some friend like Rob says. If you let that become part of your life you will understand more about that carribean life or that countries life and why women do what they do when they get to America. Even bad separated family members stick together in these countries, so I at least know and can see from the experiences i'm reading in the forum, that some of you guys may not be as close to the family or your wife as you may think. I hope you can dance salsa, speak a little spanish, especially the funny side of the language (understand the humor).  And if the family likes you, that's a winner.  I hope that i can make that happen, cause i know after the honeymoon the truth about you and her will reveal itself fully.


One of the few times that i saw american's really stick together was during 911.  I was right in the middle of it. I sheltered a couple of american guys that lived in the city until it was safe for them to go home and i'm from BROOKLYN ok!! BROOKLYN!! We don't do that [snip]! And there was no Air B&B back then.


Very thankful for your advice in this forum guys. I'm learning and re-learning a lot. Can't wait to be able to post my experiences hopefully when i get there.


Vikingo, i have to say, you were brave to go back there 2 more times after your first experience.  I guess it was still worth it huh???


When i was younger and didn't know better i used to be upset at one of my dad's quotes:
"Being married should be like buying a car. You should be able to trade up every 5 years ".
Now i kind of agree.

[vikingo]

Actually, I never left this part of the world Neo, except to visit my son and the little granddaughter in the States.
I am definitely a one woman man, but when the relationship gets out of hand I start all over again without looking back.
I still get mail occasionally from the two exes but we live far apart now.

[Neoblk40]

I hear ya Vinkingo. What matters is that your happy pursing how you want to pursue.

[John W]

Here is story to give a little insight into what I have learned about Colombian’s loose relationship with the truth.  Before I start off, I want to preface it by saying I consider my mother-in-law to be a very good person.  Her husband left her with three kids age 2-5 when she was about 23 years old.  She raised her kids by working 16 hours a day, six days a week for about 17 years.  Her and my wife raised and cared for one of my sister-in-law’s children.  Two of my sister-in-law’s three kids call my mother-in-law “mother” and their mother by her first name.  I also consider my wife to be a good person.

After my wife had been here in the US about a year, she got her green card and wanted to work.  I told her she could keep all the money she earned and use it for whatever she wanted, but that I just wanted her to start paying for her own clothes and the money we send to her mother every month.  We were sending my mother-in-law about 600,000 COP per month.   When my wife started working, she started sending my mother-in-law more money.  My mother-in-law was living in the same small two room basement apartment (300,000 COP/month) that she and my wife shared prior to my wife moving to the US.  First my mother-in-law moved into a much nicer, and larger one-bedroom apartment that cost 570,000 COP per month.  Then, my wife said that her mother was going to move into a two-bedroom apartment that cost 700,000 per month, and take in a college boarder who would pay for rent, meals, and clothes cleaning, giving my mother-in-law an additional source of income.   My wife said we would only need to pay for her rent, and then she would have additional income from the boarder.  Well, it turned out that the boarder was a friend of my wife’s nephew, and he did not like one of his friends living with his grandmother, so per my wife, the arrangement only lasted about two weeks.  I thought it was odd that the nephew would have such a problem with one of his friends being his grandmother’s boarder.
 
My mother-in-law had been living in this two-bedroom apartment for a while before I finally see some pictures of it.  It is a two story with a spiral stair case to the upper level where the bedrooms are located, awesome kitchen, and a very nice yard.  While my wife was working, she did not tell me exactly how much money she was sending home, but I figured it was somewhere around 1.2-1.5 Million pesos a month.  I told my wife that when she stopped working, I was not going to send that much money back to her mother.  Well, eventually my wife quit her job because she was pregnant.  I paid the rent for the new apartment and had to send additional money for living expenses.  I did this for two months before I finally told my wife that her mother did not need to live alone in that apartment, and that she should live with a family member, like most other older Colombian’s without a source of income.  I said we could send money every month to help out, but I did not want to pay for the apartment and all the other things we needed to pay for.  About the time that my wife and I are starting to argue over the pending decrease in the monthly stipend back home, I find out that the protesting nephew who did not want his buddying living with his grandmother, is living in the two-bedroom apartment with grandmother.  I might add that this nephew’s father (who is no longer with the nephew’s mother) has money.  I was really upset that I was paying for this apartment while the nephew was living there, and even more upset that my wife knew the whole time and never said anything to me.  I told my wife that the nephew’s father should pay half the rent if he was going to live there.  The nephew is in college and was living with his other grandmother, but he was unhappy there because she made him get up early in the morning and help clean the house, and she would not cook him breakfast in the morning.  My wife tells me there is no way the nephew’s father will help out with rent since he is already paying for the nephew’s college tuition.  I finally told my wife that I would no longer pay for the apartment, and my wife was furious.  We had the second worst argument we have ever had since she got here.  After time, my wife got over it and my mother-in-law gave notice that she was moving.  While my mother-in-law was moving, my wife learns that the whole time my mother-in-law has had the apartment, my wife’s brother has been living in the second bedroom (turns out the nephew was sleeping in the living room.)  My wife’s brother has a law degree, works for the federal police, and by Colombian standards makes good money.  My wife was furious at her mother for never telling her that the brother was living there the whole time.  The brother was helping out by paying part of the utilities, so he was not living there for free, but he was not paying for part of the rent.  My wife failed to see the similarity in her not telling me about the nephew and her mother not telling her about the brother.  After this whole debacle, I went back to sending a flat 600,000 COP per month, although that is usually increased due to someone’s birthday or some other need during the month. 

[Neoblk40]

Wow John, wow!


I've heard similar stories about family back in the islands.  And when you meet someone from a poor country, they end up being very slick when it comes to money. And if they have a big family, you can't give in to their crying for help. You were definitely right to hold your ground, your wife will respect that. I know some men that would always back down and complaining to their guy friends, but won't man up and tell their wife no.  That [snip] gotta be cut from the root of the relationship. 


Thanks for the insight brotha!

[robert angel]

I've just heard so many times that lying is pretty much seen as 'normal', to the point where if they're even cognizant that they are lying, or just not telling you (lies of ommission are often the worst) they think by not telling you, they're nobly saving you from burdensome worrying, doing you a favor you should actually be thankful for.

 I think that some of them can't differentiate from an outright lie, 'fibs' and the truth.

That and if they have a male child, the "little prince" scenario, are ongoing issues I couldn't deal with.

A woman's mother? Well, I can see her putting her on a pedestal,  but even then, I need to know how much money's being wired a month.

Once they start lying, leaving you out of the loop, it's just that---- a START.

[utopiacowboy]

I have never sent any money to my wife's family. I am sure she has given family members money but what she does with her money is her business not mine. OTOH, I have always taken care of her three children as my own. Even though this is against the PL party line, her three children have been a source of much happiness in my life.


Who wouldn't want to get a text message like the one I got from my stepdaughter yesterday:


"Thank you for all your help. I appreciate it more than you know. I love you!"