Biggest Misconceptions about this process

[DRGUY1]

The board has been slow, so I thought I'd ask this question…What's the biggest misconception about this process?


For me, it would be how "most" of the latin women I encountered would actually prefer to stay in their home country…Like most people initially unfamiliar, I assumed they would want to move away with the first Gringo. Of course now I know that is not necessarily the case; and many would prefer to stay in their own country. They will  of course move for the right person--but it's not a given.

[Researcher]

I always took it as they didn't want to move away to be with any gringo that came along. That was a good sign to me.But if you noticed this in many women that brings us to another misconception: These women only want a green card. If they are not eager to leave their country then it stands to reason they aren't eager to marry any old gringo to get one.

[benjio]

I agree. The assumption that all Latina Women wish to leave their home countries is definitely high on the list of misconceptions; but I think the gringo assumption that they're automatically going to land a beauty queen is much more common and far more detrimental to long term success. It's been discussed on the board many times before and has recently come up again in a few threads. Men that have never had any luck with beautiful women in the U.S. think when they get to Latin America the rules of attraction won't apply. When in reality the only assurance you have of landing much more beautiful women than you could in the states is if you decide to financially support a girl down here. Meanwhile men miss out on great opportunities with good women who we might call 7's or 8's because they've seen how many 10's are walking around and think they are somehow entitled to the best because they're gringos. Another point that is constantly brought up is how bringing a woman that's "out of your league" back to the U.S. will significantly reduce your potential for long term success. Although a generalization, I agree with that idea as well. Face it, she's going to get hit on by younger, better looking guys that just might have a lot more to offer her. The more she realizes she may have made the choice to be with you based on limited options, the more those doubts will start to creep in.

With so many American and European Expats now living and working here in Brazil I see this quite often. Sure..there are tons of absolutely gorgeous women everywhere in Brazil. But the situation for them isn't nearly as desperate as it is for your average Colombiana. Not only are there more job opportunities here for Brazilian Women in the major cities, but there are many more jobs for the younger, nicer looking Brazilian Men they prefer. This in comparison to a city like Barranquilla, where most men under 25 are studying or unemployed. It's another reason I've realized that Brazil is not on the radar for most men when it comes to wife hunting in Latin America. It isn't only the high cost of traveling and staying here. Men that have been here quickly realize that the prospect of a woman being able to live in the U.S. isn't nearly enough to land the cream of the crop. And most of them switch their focus to pay-for-play girls as a result.

[Kiltboy1]

I would say the biggest misconception to me is the " All Colombian Men Are Perros"

Absolutely not true.

My family just returned from a weeks vacation in Punta Cana DR and met my in laws there who flew in from Ecuador. There were many Colombian married couples there and I spoke to several and most had been married 10 years or more, so do not get sucked into that one as I used to hear it in every conversation.

It's just a ploy to get something out of you.

KB

Feliz Navidad

[mambocowboy]

The board has been slow, so I thought I'd ask this question…What's the biggest misconception about this process?


For me, it would be how "most" of the latin women I encountered would actually prefer to stay in their home country…Like most people initially unfamiliar, I assumed they would want to move away with the first Gringo. Of course now I know that is not necessarily the case; and many would prefer to stay in their own country. They will  of course move for the right person--but it's not a given.

the biggest misconception gringos have is they don't realize that their king-like status in Colombia will be reversed when their wife gets here. When your wife gets here, you are no longer the exotic catch, she is, and she will realize that because she'll be getting hit on constantly....

[robert angel]

the biggest misconception gringos have is they don't realize that their king-like status in Colombia will be reversed when their wife gets here. When your wife gets here, you are no longer the exotic catch, she is, and she will realize that because she'll be getting hit on constantly....

I'd say the biggest misconception is that when she comes to the USA, she won't change much--she is what she is. The fact is that moving from a second or third world country to a nation like the USA--to probably any first world nation, will change that person. Note the period. To what extent will be determined later and there are some indicators as to in how much and in what ways, that you can pick up on before you propose marriage.

As to the described above post/s, as inevitable arguments occur, as she's here longer and longer, this will become a bigger issue. How it all works out will probably be proportionate to how carefully you picked your lady out.


They don't call it a 'honey moon' for nothing. In your hometown, she's hot and you're not. You're white bread that's getting toasty and she's French or better. Along with her appeal increasing as your appeal decreases, life in the USA often brings higher expectations materialistic wise in a young woman's eyes. Yes, marriage is "For better and worse", but wouldn't we prefer to focus on the 'better'? If she envies the 'better'  homes, clothes and cars others have and you're hearing it all the time, it will get old.



Then there's a danger pit, sometimes called "the Plastic Prison", called "credit cards!". I remember how excited my wife was when her first ones came in. Made her feel like a real, legitimate US citizen. I taught her about their dangers, to pay them off on time and in full when ever possible. Back home, chance are she never had a credit card.


But choose the wrong kind of girl and really be desperate enough to do any thing to keep her--to keep her 'happy', you can fall into the pit, thinking: "We CAN have it all--and be JUST like them, but on credit!" That will shut her up for a while--she'll even seem 'happy' again! Of course, that runs its course, you'll eventually end up just being able to pay on the interest rather than principal, have creditors on your back, be arguing over bills and money, maybe working 2 or 3 jobs, alienating her more and that's about the final nail, until the divorce and lawyer costs send you single and all alone, over the edge into bankruptcy!


She probably worked some sort of job back home at one time or another. Different ballgame here. If she gets a job and is making good money, you'd think "That fixes that"-more money, honey, but according to what kind of girl you picked, it might simply mean not only does she no longer need your poor ugly azz and your dwindling cash supply as much anymore, but now there's all kinds of cool, interesting chicks and stud puppy co workers to play with--, single young dudes with nice cars and seemingly no baggage like you probably have. No ex wives, no step kids, none of your relatives. Tasty, fast food, instead of coming home to old leftovers!


Awful, nasty picture I've painted, but it's the cold, hard truth in many cases. Nonetheless, risks can be minimized to some extent. Leave her there and visit until you can move there is one option for some. (if you can stand living there, the culture and speak the language) Try to really, really find out how 'into' things--materialism, she actually is. When you take her shopping or just out and about, is she grabby and impulsive? Does she insist on a souvenir, a 'momento'? Get quiet or 'pouty'? Or is she careful with money--ala 'your' money? Does she talk about  rich relatives and friends or point out every nice house and car like she's a kid before Christmas looking at a Toys r Us catalog and you're her Santa stud?


Importantly, find out if she's 'grounded'--can she resolve conflict? Communicate? Is she on good terms with her family? What are her friends like? Birds of a feather......


On the web sites, how long has she been on these web sites? She may have changed profiles on any number of sites, farcebook etc, a hundred times, but if you sense she's relatively new to on line dating, you might have better odds. How is her profile set up? What's the old saying? If it looks like a  slut, walks like a slut, talks like a slut, it's probably a _____?


OK, I'll try and keep this under 500 words for a change. Don't get over your head. If you're cool with your Mom, if you're friends and your Mom are level and somewhat open minded to the whole 'marry a foreigner' thing, let them in on this and get their input. That's dangerous, because you have to know that they're not biased to start with and you will have to ignore the majority of the people you know, because they may think the whole idea's crazy. But again, don't go over your head. Sometimes simple is better. Sometimes a 7 or 8 wears better over time than a 9 or 10, just like a Crown Vics gonna run longer than a Ferrari and require a lot less maintenance.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CG2cux_6Rcw

[mambocowboy]

I'd say the biggest misconception is that when she comes to the USA, she won't change much--she is what she is. The fact is that moving from a second or third world country to a nation like the USA--to probably any first world nation, will change that person. Note the period. To what extent will be determined later and there are some indicators as to in how much and in what ways, that you can pick up on before you propose marriage.

As to the described above post/s, as inevitable arguments occur, as she's here longer and longer, this will become a bigger issue. How it all works out will probably be proportionate to how carefully you picked your lady out.


They don't call it a 'honey moon' for nothing. In your hometown, she's hot and you're not. You're white bread that's getting toasty and she's French or better. Along with her appeal increasing as your appeal decreases, life in the USA often brings higher expectations materialistic wise in a young woman's eyes. Yes, marriage is "For better and worse", but wouldn't we prefer to focus on the 'better'? If she envies the 'better'  homes, clothes and cars others have and you're hearing it all the time, it will get old.



Then there's a danger pit, sometimes called "the Plastic Prison", called "credit cards!". I remember how excited my wife was when her first ones came in. Made her feel like a real, legitimate US citizen. I taught her about their dangers, to pay them off on time and in full when ever possible. Back home, chance are she never had a credit card.


But choose the wrong kind of girl and really be desperate enough to do any thing to keep her--to keep her 'happy', you can fall into the pit, thinking: "We CAN have it all--and be JUST like them, but on credit!" That will shut her up for a while--she'll even seem 'happy' again! Of course, that runs its course, you'll eventually end up just being able to pay on the interest rather than principal, have creditors on your back, be arguing over bills and money, maybe working 2 or 3 jobs, alienating her more and that's about the final nail, until the divorce and lawyer costs send you single and all alone, over the edge into bankruptcy!


She probably worked some sort of job back home at one time or another. Different ballgame here. If she gets a job and is making good money, you'd think "That fixes that"-more money, honey, but according to what kind of girl you picked, it might simply mean not only does she no longer need your poor ugly azz and your dwindling cash supply as much anymore, but now there's all kinds of cool, interesting chicks and stud puppy co workers to play with--, single young dudes with nice cars and seemingly no baggage like you probably have. No ex wives, no step kids, none of your relatives. Tasty, fast food, instead of coming home to old leftovers!


Awful, nasty picture I've painted, but it's the cold, hard truth in many cases. Nonetheless, risks can be minimized to some extent. Leave her there and visit until you can move there is one option for some. (if you can stand living there, the culture and speak the language) Try to really, really find out how 'into' things--materialism, she actually is. When you take her shopping or just out and about, is she grabby and impulsive? Does she insist on a souvenir, a 'momento'? Get quiet or 'pouty'? Or is she careful with money--ala 'your' money? Does she talk about  rich relatives and friends or point out every nice house and car like she's a kid before Christmas looking at a Toys r Us catalog and you're her Santa stud?


Importantly, find out if she's 'grounded'--can she resolve conflict? Communicate? Is she on good terms with her family? What are her friends like? Birds of a feather......


On the web sites, how long has she been on these web sites? She may have changed profiles on any number of sites, farcebook etc, a hundred times, but if you sense she's relatively new to on line dating, you might have better odds. How is her profile set up? What's the old saying? If it looks like a  slut, walks like a slut, talks like a slut, it's probably a _____?


OK, I'll try and keep this under 500 words for a change. Don't get over your head. If you're cool with your Mom, if you're friends and your Mom are level and somewhat open minded to the whole 'marry a foreigner' thing, let them in on this and get their input. That's dangerous, because you have to know that they're not biased to start with and you will have to ignore the majority of the people you know, because they may think the whole idea's crazy. But again, don't go over your head. Sometimes simple is better. Sometimes a 7 or 8 wears better over time than a 9 or 10, just like a Crown Vics gonna run longer than a Ferrari and require a lot less maintenance.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CG2cux_6Rcw

excellent post from a guy who's been there and done that. I'd also add, the more in a rush she is to leave her country, the more likely it is she won't have the coping skills to healthily adapt over here....

[robert angel]

excellent post from a guy who's been there and done that. I'd also add, the more in a rush she is to leave her country, the more likely it is she won't have the coping skills to healthily adapt over here....

These are all good points--some excellent insights. But after walking away and thinking about it a while, (past the 'edit/modify post' time point) it struck me just how negative I sound here, in fact how negative in general I've sounded in the last month or so. I stand by what I said above, but I also want to add that after one marriage to a woman from overseas that lasted 14 years and now in the delightful midst of a successful one to another 'foreigner' for eight years now, that if I had to, I'd do it all over again in a rather similar fashion. Like anything good and complex, especially involving a pretty lady considerably younger than myself, it will always take/need some work, even with all our blessings.


If it went to ashes, I'd be bummed out a while, regroup, take adequate time to find out, reflect and redetermine who I really am at that given point in time, to not just myself, but in most other's eyes as well, and look overseas again. Maybe try what seems  impossible for me--learn a new language and widen my search, but quit?--NO way. No risk, no gain. Nothing ventured, nothing really earned. I am far, far from being rich. 'Middle class' is a very nebulous term--those who are poor and rich sometimes call themselves 'middle class' to make themselves feel better--but by any definition, govt. or otherwise, we're squarely in there. I've seen guys making a fair bit under $20,000 a year travel tens of thousands of miles, stay lengths of time overseas and ultimately bring home wonderful wives. It can happen to you!

If the possible financial pitfalls I describe scare you, rest assured that you marrying Polly Anna next door, then the  marriage not working out and her finding a savvy lawyer, could put you in just as bad a spot--your mileage may vary a bit there, but it's typically not weighed too much in the guy's favor regardless. So think large and wide, while you thoughtfully narrow your focus and remember that you CAN do it!


Just thought I'd step out of my Scrooge mode, slip into a Santa mode, add a positive note and also wish each and everyone of you here a Merry Christmas and a Happy, HEALTHY New Year!

[Bob_S]

That the so-called "mail order bride" business really is mail order, that you can sit on your ever expanding agoraphobic backside and have a lovely and loving lady delivered to your mama's basement where you surf for porn between Halo and WoW guild sessions.

[robert angel]

That the so-called "mail order bride" business really is mail order, that you can sit on your ever expanding agoraphobic backside and have a lovely and loving lady delivered to your mama's basement where you surf for porn between Halo and WoW guild sessions.

I've been told that some of the mail order brides you order from the Philippines are delivered in Manila envelopes! 

[DRGUY1]

Here's another one that really bugs me:  "The men are only looking for submissive women" there is a huge difference between "traditional" and "submissive"; but you wouldn't know it reading and listening to what American women say about it.


I think it is very hard for AW to justify why certain men would actually prefer foreign ladies, so they have to rationalize it by saying this…This thinking takes the onus of them and makes us the one with the problem/issue…


Clearly we want submissive women, why else would we be doing this right?...

[benjio]

I would say the biggest misconception to me is the " All Colombian Men Are Perros"

Absolutely not true.

My family just returned from a weeks vacation in Punta Cana DR and met my in laws there who flew in from Ecuador. There were many Colombian married couples there and I spoke to several and most had been married 10 years or more, so do not get sucked into that one as I used to hear it in every conversation.

It's just a ploy to get something out of you.

KB

Feliz Navidad

I agree. I've met plenty of faithful Colombianos that are very committed to their wives and families. However, the common denominator amongst all of them is they're older (usually 35+). I tend to wonder how much of the chicas we associate with having that opinion of Colombian Men has to do with the age range of the women we date there. Think about it, most of us aren't chasing 35 year old, single mothers when we're dating SOTB. We're going for younger women with less baggage. I believe that the experience of most of the 18-30 year old age group we're attracted to has had that experience dating Colombian Men. Men that haven't yet reached the maturity level that's necessary to actually desire a monogamous, committed relationship. So in that sense, I don't think it's a misconception at all.
 
I will admit that region also plays a HUGE factor in how faithful men are in Colombia. A guy is much more likely to be a faithful, committed husband in Bogota as supposed to Barranquilla from my experience. There are some socio-economic factors there as well. A man that has to work all day to support his family has much less time to frolic around town with his "side dish;" where unemployed men, with nothing but an idol mind for the devil to play with, has nothing better to do.

[Awesome]

There's a good chance that your wife might be a sleeper cell, undercover FARC operative.



Some woman might seduce you over a dating site, and once she gets you down to colombia she's going to slip some scopolamine into your food so you'll pass out while she implants 10 kilos of pure cocaine into the lining of your suitcases the night before your return flight to boise idaho.

[mambocowboy]

There's a good chance that your wife might be a sleeper cell, undercover FARC operative.



Some woman might seduce you over a dating site, and once she gets you down to colombia she's going to slip some scopolamine into your food so you'll pass out while she implants 10 kilos of pure cocaine into the lining of your suitcases the night before your return flight to boise idaho.

those stereotypes are all too common here unfortunately..

[Elexpatriado]

 
ja.ja.ja..now your really being "humourous|
 

There's a good chance that your wife might be a sleeper cell, undercover FARC operative.

"
Some woman might seduce you over a dating site, and once she gets you down to colombia she's going to slip some scopolamine into your food so you'll pass out while she implants 10 kilos of pure cocaine into the lining of your suitcases the night before your return flight to boise idaho.

[Researcher]

the biggest misconception gringos have is they don't realize that their king-like status in Colombia will be reversed when their wife gets here. When your wife gets here, you are no longer the exotic catch, she is, and she will realize that because she'll be getting hit on constantly....

I have to agree but with one exception: She was probably being hit on in Colombia as well so that is nothing new.

[mambocowboy]

I have to agree but with one exception: She was probably being hit on in Colombia as well so that is nothing new.

yes she was but here it's more. We were out together in Colombia and comparing it to here she's hit on more here because she's more exotic here...

[Researcher]

yes she was but here it's more. We were out together in Colombia and comparing it to here she's hit on more here because she's more exotic here...

I really can't see American men being more dogs than Colombian men. I know that one of the misconceptions is that all Colombian men are dogs and that isn't true. It seems that way because 98% of Colombian men who are dogs give the rest a bad name.

Maybe you live in an area that has a lot of Latin men running around. But there is no comparison between how often Colombian men will hit on a woman and american men. Maybe it is just a difference in styles or something but I just don't see it.

[mambocowboy]

I really can't see American men being more dogs than Colombian men. I know that one of the misconceptions is that all Colombian men are dogs and that isn't true. It seems that way because 98% of Colombian men who are dogs give the rest a bad name.

Maybe you live in an area that has a lot of Latin men running around. But there is no comparison between how often Colombian men will hit on a woman and american men. Maybe it is just a difference in styles or something but I just don't see it.

I've been shocked to find what dogs American men are. Mostly Mexicanos and African American men here seem to go after my wife....

[govig1]

Going back to the original post (whether Latinas only go with gringos to get a passport), before my wife got here I heard this misconception directed at my wife to be several times. But I know 100% she loves me totally. I know 2 other Peruvian girls who had the opportunity to marry a gringo. One kept putting it off, saying she would do it after her son finished school, then that changed to when he finished uni. Eventually she told her gringo she it wasn't going to happen, she was too attached to her friends and family and way of life. Another Peruana got married in Peru to her gringo; he went back to Europe to sort things for her move, but then she got cold feet and it was only when the immigration service of his country warned her that she was going to lose the visa if she didn't move soon, did she get on a flight. They are happily still married with several kids. As for my wife, she was a bit worried about leaving her mum behind. Hardly a scientific survey but I don't know of any latina that only did it for the passport.
          We need to see things from their point of view more, what they are giving up. Their family, career, friends, language, home. It must be so scary for them (the majority who take the plunge and don't go for a visit first to check out the gringo's way of life) to commit to giving all that up (like handing in notice at work) and trusting that a guy she's only met a few times is actually telling her the truth that he has a home, job etc.; that he isn't going to turn out to be a psycho who wants to abuse and control her, that she will be so far from help if things go wrong. Brave!

[govig1]

Oops! Forgot to mention, I know another Peruana who got married to a European a few years back, the marriage didn't work out; but she says she'd much rather live in Peru; it's just that her career, home and kids are here now.

[Elexpatriado]

"We need to see things from their point of view more, what they are giving up. Their family, career, friends, language, home"


Don't forget their boyfriends ("Mossos" as they say in Colombia), they dont wanna give up those...and their Novios dont wanna give them up either, espescially all the presents the girls give them from the money the dumb gringo sends them...

[Elexpatriado]

Another really laughable Misconception some  guys have , is "age makes no difference in Colombia"


Yeah age makes little difference if your a Viejo Verde and your dando papaya..


I tell all those self proclaimed wrinkled, pot-bellied, saggy-balled, leaky-assed "studs" in thier 60s with the "Novias" in thier 20s, if age makes no difference, why don't you go with a woman in her 80s...man do they get pissed off....then I say, if age makes no difference, quit paying the bills, taking her on trips, taking her to fancy restaurants- then see how far it goes..they get really pissed off when I say that...the truth hurts, doesn't it???


And if its a serious relationship, I tell them "you married that girl? Do you really think she will be wiping your ass in 20 years, or she wont be there with here hands in your pocket even before your body is cold?" if it lasts that long and you tolerate all her "Mossos" and other [snip]..

[mambocowboy]

"We need to see things from their point of view more, what they are giving up. Their family, career, friends, language, home"


Don't forget their boyfriends ("Mossos" as they say in Colombia), they dont wanna give up those...and their Novios dont wanna give them up either, espescially all the presents the girls give them from the money the dumb gringo sends them...

there are plenty of idiot gringos sending money to women they haven't met and never will...As far as women giving things up, my wife gave up her career to move to the States. However, I know of a handful of my wife's Barranquillera vecinas  who are rumberas, never had a job, and are looking for the first lotto ticket they can find, doesn't matter whether it's to Peru, Ecuador, Argentina, Mexico, Spain, or the US...

[Researcher]

I've been shocked to find what dogs American men are. Mostly Mexicanos and African American men here seem to go after my wife....

That is a good point. It really never has bothered me that other men find the woman I am with attractive. To me that just means the content of a woman's character means more than what guys think.