What to look for BEFORE the marriage & how to keep the marriage going afterwards

[Zon]

it doesn't matter that you are being 'honest' about what you think you are witnessing in other people's marriages.  you are not posting any solutions, just posing questionable stats.  i'd say that most men that married a beautiful latina two decades younger than themselves are going to have way different %'s then the ones you created.

HAHAHA  This is not a "Solutions Board".  It is a "Discussion Board."  More ideas and experiments create greater innovation within the group the greater the chance of individuals in that group enjoying expanded choices and, finally, SOLUTIONS.  Otherwise, we could all just stay home and find women in the USA!


I find your "positive metal attitude" healthy, and perhaps that is all there is to any problem in life.   I am not being rhetorical - maybe that is all we are capable of.

[fathertime]

HAHAHA  This is not a "Solutions Board".  It is a "Discussion Board."  More ideas and experiments create greater innovation within the group the greater the chance of individuals in that group enjoying expanded choices and, finally, SOLUTIONS.  Otherwise, we could all just stay home and find women in the USA!


I find your "positive metal attitude" healthy, and perhaps that is all there is to any problem in life.   I am not being rhetorical - maybe that is all we are capable of.

well old boy i don't deny it makes for 'good tv', when you discuss these types of items...i was just mentioning solutions so you could move it forward a bit and i DON"T believe that is all you are capable of, I'm not sure who you meant by "WE" though. 


Treating you as an individual, I notice a layer of negativity that will probably smother a marriage you attempt to wrangle a woman into.     I think you need to change some attitudes, not just put on a positive happy face.  If you refuse to do this, then you really need to put it on the radar screen that you are a person who is best left single, where you can only ruin yourself only, rather than dragging a woman and potentially children into the mix.  I'm not saying you are 'ruined' as individual, maybe you are, maybe you aren't, but from what you write it appears you would ruin a marriage.  It just doesn't appear you yet possess the all-in attitude and I don't see many of these types of marriages surviving without it. 

Fathertime!   

[V_Man]

Zon, mate. That simply is the wrong attitude to have and is a path to failure. You don't need to be married to anyone at all. In fact marriage is a bad idea for males. However if you do, then it needs to be an all in venture as FT has said. If that includes "running home with flowers and chocolates" every 6 months for the next 30 years, then frankly you need to be willing to do that without question - and a whole lot more as well. If that concept troubles you at all then don't marry. Ever.

[Zon]

REALISM!

Zon, mate. That simply is the wrong attitude to have and is a path to failure. You don't need to be married to anyone at all. In fact marriage is a bad idea for males. However if you do, then it needs to be an all in venture as FT has said. If that includes "running home with flowers and chocolates" every 6 months for the next 30 years, then frankly you need to be willing to do that without question - and a whole lot more as well. If that concept troubles you at all then don't marry. Ever.

Above, I shared my observations as a human being on planet Earth as it relates to contemporary marriages.  It is not MY attitude.  It is not MY hope. 

The fact is that starting a business is DAMN hard, and almost always ends in failure, or at least it produces far less of the positive expectations than the founders initially hope.  That does NOT mean I am against starting a new business.  Directly to the contrary!  I am the kind of guy you want to partner with to start a new business, because my eyes are wide open.  I am fully aware of the demands, challenges, and constant set backs. 

Now ATTITUDE.  If you are a complainer, or are easily defeated, or get your feelings hurt ... if you are a guy that needs a support structure, and constant positive feedback from the personnel office ... starting a business is NOT FOR YOU.

This metaphor can be nicely applied to marriage I think.

And, I think it is naive to not understand that passion, the newlywed phase, well, is a phase (at least for the vast majority of marriages).   I see no virtue in wearing "rose colored glasses."  Keeping the passion in a marriage - and yes, I mean a red hot sex life - is rare and difficult. Perhaps even an unrealistic expectation?

[V_Man]

That is true but it is important to maintain an good element of that passion over time. It is all too easy to allow it to fade to nothing much at all. Also over the years a deeper sort of love develops that is less passionate but somehow more ....... mmmm I am not sure what the right word is.... it is just deeper and more enduring somehow.


I don't know how to explain it really but if you have both loved each other for years and years plus had children and/or been through various trials and highs, and after all that you are still very much in love, then the love sort of matures or evolves. It is a different diamention than the passionate side of love.


One should still keep that spicy side but although it may be less intense eventually, there is this other diamention of love that develops.


I am probably not making a good job of explaining this or making my point.
I bet someone, somewhere has written a book on this subject. I am quite sure if you talk to people who have been married for 30, 40 years or more, you will understand what I am saying.


None of which distracts from the advantages of actively maintaining the sexual diamention. 

[Researcher]

To me, a marriage is about more than just keeping passion alive over the years. One of the big advantages of getting married when I did was I already had several relationships under my belt so I knew what would and wouldn't work for me. I also knew I was looking for more than a "hot chick" to have on my arm. I realized I had the whole world of women to choose from.....or at least to look around for the right woman in. In a way I was looking for a woman I could see myself growing old with but I wasn't so naive as to think that wouldn't happen without effort on my part.

Long term relationships do take effort. It isn't all work but a relationship requires attention. Along the way a connection or bond is built through life experience just like any long term relationship. After being married just over 5 years now I feel pretty confident I made a good choice. My wife has good spousal qualities and that makes a difference.


   Researcher

[whitey]

Long term relationships do take effort. It isn't all work but a relationship requires attention.

That's the way I like to think of it too ... effort but not work.  If it feels too much like work all the time, neither person is probably having much fun and the relationship could be doomed ...

[robert angel]

That's the way I like to think of it too ... effort but not work.  If it feels too much like work all the time, neither person is probably having much fun and the relationship could be doomed ...

"Work" isn't the best word for what it really takes to make a marriage last, now that I think about it. In my first marriage, work was what it became all about, especially when we had kids and worked opposite hours. All our conversations became about who was taking the kids to this event or that and all too often and unpleasantly, also about money management. Ironically, it wasn't because we were struggling financially--we weren't wealthy, but we weren't poor--the unpleasant money related conversations really boiled down to 'control' matters.
 
What was almost totally absent was indulging ourselves together, getting away w/o distractions, communicating small things between each other and having fun. Instead, it was all about nuts and bolts logistics and assignment of duties. Things weren't about us--after a while they were all about other people, our work, schedules and money.
 
Yet in a way, the word 'work' does apply to even a good marriage--you have be cognizant, responsible of your marital obligations, both physical and mental--some might call that 'work', others might call it 'efforts' of varying degrees.
 
But in another very real sense--if you have to truly 'work' to keep your marriage going well, there's probably some other issues that have gotten a bit out of hand, to the point where going with the flow, making changes, compromises and overt shows of affection, big and small, just aren't bringing back the romance.
 
If those things aren't being done or aren't being effective, you might just need to ratchet things up a bit.
 
My wife got on me earlier for me not saying 'I love you' recently--as in the last 4 hours we've been together, as she studies, I fixed some light dinner and dessert, surf the web, etc. I tried to remind her I said "Love you" before we fell asleep last night and then again wityh a kiss on the forehead when we awoke this morning, kissed her when she got home--even though she was yacking on the phone. Oh yea--and told her 'love you' twice on the phone during the day. It was quiet last night and again this morning, so she wasn't really wide awake, but she responded with a "love you too"--she just didn't remember it!
 
I could have told her--"Remember when we were in the kitchen just an hour ago and I had you put your feet on top of mine and we waltzed around the house as I sang to you that corny old song: "I could have danced all night..."??--if I had to add "I love you" to that, that's a bit much, me thinks. Maybe I need to say it with more conviction sometimes--who the hell knows?
 
At a point like that, me saying "I love you" comes out sounding forced--contrived--it's just not going to sound sincere. But it occurred to me it's been a while since I got her flowers--a card--little things like that. And they do matter.
 
And I thought rushing out and buying her a Chicago style hot dog and a hot fudge Sundae, bringing it home last night after she said she was so hungry she could cry was good enough to save me from such verbal, emotional grief for a couple of days!
 
Women really are from Venus and men from Mars. I guess we'll never figure women out and that's a blessing and a curse, I suppose.
 
My neighbors have the most beautiful roses out front and I usually get home from work before they do, hehehe....
 
 

[fathertime]

 

And, I think it is naive to not understand that passion, the newlywed phase, well, is a phase (at least for the vast majority of marriages).   I see no virtue in wearing "rose colored glasses."  Keeping the passion in a marriage - and yes, I mean a red hot sex life - is rare and difficult. Perhaps even an unrealistic expectation?

it might be an unrealistic expectation..FOR YOU...in these situations my feeling is you would have to EARN a red hot sex life and you don't seem like the type of guy that would do that.   


the things you say make it seem like you are not ready to enter a marriage...the things you write about and find to be the greatest priority lead me to believe you need to be single...you are almost 50...these things that you obsess over are the things a 24 year old would be very concerned about...most young women are going to see a guy of your age obsessing over having a red hot sex life and i think they are going to roll their eyes...


i get the feeling you would pick a lady that would find you boring or silly and then you would set yourself up for a failed marriage...and an ice cold sex life!   


Fathertime! 

[Zon]

in these situations my feeling is you would have to EARN a red hot sex life and you don't seem like the type of guy that would do that.   

Oh great Sage of Time ...
- you may earn respect
- you may earn loyalty
- you many earn honesty

But, it is impossible to "earn" a red hot sex life.  And, this is not my obsession.  Merely the topic of the day.  I am obviously bored and just musing.

ALAS, I do have my "ducks and affairs."

[Fuzzyone]

Oh great Sage of Time ...
- you may earn respect
- you may earn loyalty
- you many earn honesty

But, it is impossible to "earn" a red hot sex life.  And, this is not my obsession.  Merely the topic of the day.  I am obviously bored and just musing.

ALAS, I do have my "ducks and affairs."

  Yes Zon I am bored too but anyways you kind of lose me on the entire topic here since you have failed to complete either am I correct?

[fathertime]

Oh great Sage of Time ...
- you may earn respect
- you may earn loyalty
- you many earn honesty

But, it is impossible to "earn" a red hot sex life.  And, this is not my obsession.  Merely the topic of the day.  I am obviously bored and just musing.

ALAS, I do have my "ducks and affairs."

i would like to give you an ideal of where  i'm coming from so here is the logic behind my statement and how i feel it pertains to you. 


currently you are closing in on 50 and are hunting for young ladies around 25 or so, maybe even younger... well i don't think many girls 25 years old are going to see you at your age and be wowed to the point where they are going to think 'he is hot' and just fall all over themselves to present you with white hot sex..i'm sure there will be a % of quite young ladies (perhaps in bars) that will spread em for you with a certain degree of enthusiasm even at your present age and without too much effort on your part...now whether they are marriage material for you that is another matter.i think for a woman you are going to want to marry, you are going to have to EARN their respect and if you can EARN their respect then your love life will probably be much better for the long term of the course of a marriage..[size=78%].[/size]do you see what I was getting at?  I believe that you will need to 'earn' a 'red hot sex life' through your actions.  Maybe you can maybe you can't...I still feel Robertangel's original post was a playbook worth reading and something you should consider if you think you are going to have a problem with getting bored or losing desire with a woman you make your wife someday.

Now if you were 25-30 years old I think your ideas might be just fine, because I think that the ladies could easily find a man their own age unbelievably attractive physically and do whatever they can to wrangle him in.  I also don't think as much is expected from younger men in all the other departments, like stability, finances, truthfulness...but for a guy your age, these are traits that you need to be able to bring to the table. 

Fathertime! 

[Zon]

i would like to give you an ideal of where  i'm coming from so here is the logic behind my statement and how i feel it pertains to you. 




currently you are closing in on 50 and are hunting for young ladies around 25 or so, maybe even younger... well i don't think many girls 25 years old are going to see you at your age and be wowed to the point where they are going to think 'he is hot' and just fall all over themselves to present you with white hot sex..i'm sure there will be a % of quite young ladies (perhaps in bars) that will spread em for you with a certain degree of enthusiasm even at your present age and without too much effort on your part...now whether they are marriage material for you that is another matter.i think for a woman you are going to want to marry, you are going to have to EARN their respect and if you can EARN their respect then your love life will probably be much better for the long term of the course of a marriage..[size=78%].[/size]do you see what I was getting at?  I believe that you will need to 'earn' a 'red hot sex life' through your actions.  Maybe you can maybe you can't...I still feel Robertangel's original post was a playbook worth reading and something you should consider if you think you are going to have a problem with getting bored or losing desire with a woman you make your wife someday.


Now if you were 25-30 years old I think your ideas might be just fine, because I think that the ladies could easily find a man their own age unbelievably attractive physically and do whatever they can to wrangle him in.  I also don't think as much is expected from younger men in all the other departments, like stability, finances, truthfulness...but for a guy your age, these are traits that you need to be able to bring to the table.   


Fathertime!

When I was around 45, I was interested in meeting women 25 - 30 - and chasing girls 20 - 25.   Now that I am 48, I am interested in finding a woman 30 - 35 (GULP!).  And, after having more ass that a toilet seat in a Greyhound bus station, I do not think "red hot sex" is so important anymore.  Sure it is nice.  But, not  the be all end all most guys thirst for IMO.


I apply your famous Positive Mental Attitude that makes marriage unquestionably strong, and sex unendingly passionate to TIME:)   I am not going to start running around like a chicken with my head cut off because I am getting older.   I would rather work on being more healthy and trying to live longer:)  Nobody is certain of any length of time on this planet.  We all know good people who did not make it to the age of 40!  Any one of us could die within the next 12 months.


FT - you have to be calm in the 2 minute offense.  Play for the first downs, and let the game take care of itself.

[fathertime]

When I was around 45, I was interested in meeting women 25 - 30 - and chasing girls 20 - 25.   Now that I am 48, I am interested in finding a woman 30 - 35 (GULP!).  And, after having more ass that a toilet seat in a Greyhound bus station, I do not think "red hot sex" is so important anymore.  Sure it is nice.  But, not  the be all end all most guys thirst for IMO.

2, There is a BIG difference between a good capable 30 year old woman looking for a husband (with the best of intentions), and a woman 20- 26.  Yes, it is risky to be with such a young woman, but you can mold her to a large degree.   If you stay out of the USA (or the USA mentality), that is the best way to go in my opinion.

[size=78%]Just one month ago you were talking about the best ladies being between age 20-26 but now you are talking about only over 30.  It seems to me that you haven't a clue yet what you want or think.  [/size]

[size=78%]Earlier in the thread you were talking about 'red hot sex' and how it is lost in a marriage(as a reason not to get married)..now you are saying it isn't important.  It isn't 'other guys' who are talking about it...it was you!![/size]

[size=78%]I get the feeling you will take practically any woman you feel shows genuine interest...fair enough.[/size]

[size=78%]Fathertime!  [/size]

[Zon]

Why be so literal?


Often times when writing on a discussion board, most in fact, we all speak in generalities (or perhaps should speak in generalities).  Most eligible women are younger, without children, and without too much baggage to most people, right?

[Ray]

 

 
 
 

[fathertime]

Why be so literal?


Often times when writing on a discussion board, most in fact, we all speak in generalities (or perhaps should speak in generalities). Most eligible women are younger, without children, and without too much baggage to most people, right?

Well it is probably true in many cases that a gal over 30 has some 'baggage'..I also believe that it to be true that gals over 30 are more likely to have worked through a lot of issues that a gal of 20 has not yet done.  There are some mature 30 year old ladies out there. 


Relating it back to you...based on what you have said...a gal in her early 30's (maybe late 20's) seems like a good choice for you...in terms of a marriage that might last...but sometimes you give the impression that you are looking for a 'plug' to fill in some years while you are working on retiring or something..if that is the case then by all means pick the prettiest 19 year old that you can try to 'mold' and when she doesn't work out just blame her and toss her in the trash...  
 i don't think that is a wise move for a guy of your age, if you want a marriage to last the test of time to be letting your little head decide everything for you...which is what it always seems is the case... despite how you often say the exact opposite....for you, you gotta realize that you are not the prize, the lady is the prize because that is the attitude that will help YOU. 


i don't know why you are getting all irate with fuzzy though...he earned his stripes a long time ago...married to a beautiful colombian lady for many years now...you would be smarter to listen to him then call him silly names...he is the real deal. 


 
Fathertime!

[htown]

I do not know but I do know life got a lot better coming home from work with dinner made and a beautiful wife waiting for a kiss.

Isn't that what this board is all about?  It is called planet-love afterall.


I'll be the first to admit, I post alot on this board but I don't have alot in common with most of the other guys here.  That doesn't mean that I don't respect what they're doing, which is looking for love and happiness with a lifetime partner.


I'm at a point in my life where I'd be considered a "player" or non-serious "dater", and I've been know to poke my head in a few gentlemen's clubs from time to time.  And yes I have the high requirements of beauty, education, strato 5-6 when and if I do find a woman I would consider for a wife.  I have no idea how realistic those requirements are but that's my stance on that situation for now.  Who knows how I'll feel a year from now or 6 months from now.


That being said I give all the credit in the world to the guys who've gone abroad, waded through all the bs and have accomplished their goal of finding a loving wife and being happily married.  And if children are involved that's just more to love.  What can be better than that?