The Mog is Back (but with bad news)

[The Mog Finally Returns]

Hey guys, Its been a few years. Some of you may remember me. Wish I could share some good news but slightly two months after getting her green card my wife Jicelle left me. I came home from work one Friday night and almost all her stuff was gone, and only a short one page note left on the table. I was so confused.
It has been the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. I tried to go to my wifes job to speak with her a few times about giving it another chance and then she filed a restraining order against me. Two days later I saw her waiting for a bus not far from our old apartment and tried to talk to her. She called 911 and I was thrown in jail for 2 days. She was laughing as the cop handcuffed me. Now I only have a few days left to respond to her lawyers divorce summons.
Guys, I was never a bad husband, never cheated, never abused. We were doing ok, some arguments here and there, but nothing serious, usually little things. I think she had some filipina friends that manipulated her. Shortly after her arrival here I lost my good job. So we have been struggling for a few years. She saw what the other filipinas had, their husbands had better jobs, houses in the suburbs, new cars and mini-vans, not an apartment and old used car like me.
I always tried to do the best I could, and did everything I could to make her happy. Now I think after this next few days she may be gone forever, and I dont even know why. Guys be careful. Im not sure if this post will be deleted, I am not sure its anything anyone wants to hear. Maybe it is better to be single and lonely than to be happy for a few short years only to be abandoned and heartbroken.

[tessb]

I'm speechless. Yes, I think her Filipina friends manipulated her and also she knows what to do like filing a restraining order against you. You know the cops will not investigate, we have clients do this to their husbands, sorry to say that. I was surprise you did'nt see this coming.
 
Is she always with her friends? Are they nice ladies? I always try to choose who I make friends with. I'm not one of those filipinas who always goes to those filipino parties and such. I hate it when  they say my car is old But they also wonder why we travel so much My priority is not having a nice  car but to visit places and also see my family at least twice a year.

The first few weeks I got here, I talked to  Stephen's Filipina friend on the phone and what she told me shocked me, she told me just to wait 3 years and I can do whatever I want, like divorcing him LOL. Anyway I told Stephen that he was hanging with bad people. I never meet her in person.

Anyway, take this  as a positive sign at least she's out of your life and divorce her fast. Remember not all Filipinas are like her. Life is too short, move on with your life and we wish you all the best.

Tess and Stephen

[Beattledog]

It is best that you divorce this money-hungry  woman

beattledog

[Ray]

Hi Mog,

Sorry to hear the bad news. It sure sounds like she had been planning this for some time. How long have you been married? Any kids?

Hire a lawyer.
Change the locks.
Protect your assets and bank accounts.
Cancel her credit cards.
Get drunk.
Try to start enjoying being single again.

Hey, at least you got a short note. I didn’t even get that, just a letter from her lawyer. Now 11 years later I’m happily married for 6 years and wouldn’t change back for anything in this world.

Let her go. You’ll slowly get over it with time and some day you’ll realize that the bitch did you a big favor by walking out.

[Jeff S]

Sorry to hear your tales of woe Mog. I'm curious, do you think she had been planning this from the start, or did it start off well and go sour over the years? If the former, well, hell, sounds like the oldest profession. If the latter, there's something else at work here.

Ray seems to have the proper procedure annotated pretty well.

- Jeff

[Bear]

Man am I sorry to hear that.  I've seen such happen a few times before but its still always a shock.  How many questions can you ask?  How many precaustions can you take?  And still you get slammed.
  
Dude all we can say is you got used by a user who mostly planned and/or was encouraged to do this from the beginning.  Its not gonna make you feel any better but its happened to several guys on this board and others, particularly those living on the west coast who are surrounded by Filipinos who encourage Filipinas, who are new here, to plan on divorcing and then bringing a Filipino here.  Take heart in knowing she is probably being used too, maybe she'll get what she gave in the end.

Don't let it dishearten you to marriage.  Many things in life cause pain but few things are as rewarding as having a family.  Study what occurred; try to determined if she planned it or if it was something she felt you did, then rewrite your marriage plan and jump on that horse again.  I strongly suggest you use introductions and/or looking for someone who isn't looking for you.  Those looking for you usually have an agenda and without peer pressure, you'll not be sure for a long time if she's using you or just as lonely as you.

The Bear Family

[Bob_S]

And I'll third what Ray said.  Don't waste a second trying to get her back.  Get a lawyer and start protecting you ass-sets.  Though that being said, it is worth every cent you have to pay to unhook this green-card shark as fast as possible.  Start by:
Contact a credit card reporting service (Experian, Equifax) and get a warning put on your credit report to stop her from taking out any credit cards in your name;
Get her off your existing credit cards;
Get her off your bank accounts, close any joint accounts (drain them dry fast!);
Remove her as any beneficiary (insurance policies, bank or retirement accounts);
If she had a cell phone, get or save the phone records and see who she's been calling (a guy?);
If you have any dirt on her, you may be able to negotiate (via lawyers since it has evidently turned into a hostile situation) where she agrees not to try and touch your stuff and you don't turn over the dirt to the BCIS with a letter detailing the fraud she committed to get her green card;
Take the money you pulled from the joint account and blow it all at a strip club in Vegas (heck, you may even find her working at one!).

[The Mog Finally Returns]

Thanks Bear, and all who answered. I'll try to be cautious with what I say, and be careful not to generalize or stereotype. It all seems like a bad dream sometimes, and I wish I'd never visited that terrible place.
In the beginning, when I would come here to read the stories on the old board there would be a story or two like mine here and there -- but I never paid attention, the stories of happiness always seemed to trump the stories of betrayal.
I guess I was gullible, and bought the hype. I thought I could be happy too. Why I thought that a pretty girl would like me for me, I will never know. Naivety, to think my search for love would end in a place like that. The stories of good wives that pamper their husbands, strong Catholic ethics and no divorce, honesty, loyalty, trustworthyness -- I was convinced. That age doesnt matter, looks dont matter. Well, I think people are the same all over. They will stay with you, just as long as you offer something better than they can get somewhere else.
I'm not bitter. I would do anything just to hold my little wife in my arms again, and I know in my heart I did the best I could to make her happy.
But I realized that the reality is that if you dont have what it takes; the youth or the looks, then you better have the house, the new cars, and the money. It just digusts me when people hide behind a facade of pretentious religion and family, when little more than opportunistic and materialistic hearts lurk behind....

[Bear]

Yeah you're taking it pretty hard and I doubt I could do it any easier.  Don’t do the, "what ifs?"   “What ifs” are 1 in a 1000 guesses and miss many more times that are factual.  Shoot, I asked my "ex" for the divorce and still took it pretty hard but I knew it was the right thing and dealt with it.

First know that Filipina definitions of age, baldness, weight, wealth and such are not in American dictionaries so to place blame on one of these topics is fruitless.  The girl honestly never saw you as her mate but rather a means to an end.  And you were living in la-la land not paying attention (I've done it too with my first wife).  You took a girl out of her environment and made her literally free.  You removed her peer pressure and she replaced it with peer pressure from people that were not "your friends".  Don't do that next time.  Peer pressure is a critical part of a Filipinas life.  I tell Honey all the time if she isn't good I'll call her Mom and Dad and she knows I'll do it because I have.  She gets mad and has some tampo but I usually win those arguments.  When it comes to Honey's friends I know everyone and if I don't like them I tell her so and I make it hard for them to associate.

I don't think you were gullible just too trusting like most AM's are.  Why do you think we considered the best marriage partners in the world?  A lot of the things I expected out of our marriage I'm not getting and I've noticed that in many things my "ex" was better, but I know I am loved, I feel it, where with my "ex" it never happened.  It’s not gullible to expect something just very shortsighted to have a plan with no means of keeping it on the right track.  Yet we all do it.

I'm not sure but if I hadn't just gone through a divorce I might have made similar mistakes.  It’s easy to be lonely and let a cute face and a sweet smell turn your head.  When I think back there were two girls I was writing in the beginning that probably would have made your situation look "soft" but because I had just divorced and made quite a few prayers to Heavenly Father it didn't happen.

I remember reading about guys setting up "plans" on what they were looking for.  I just didn't know how to do that and I wasn't sure I believed in a plan. I knew I didn't want that "half plus 7" rule for the age (and I am very glad I didn't) because it limited my chances if marrying a virgin.  The only thing I could think of from listening to others was to find someone who wasn't looking for me because it seemed everyone was having their balls handed to them by some pretty deceitful ladies.

Honey wanted to chat but marriage was not in her plans.  I had to convince her I was worth changing her plans for which made her feel she had been courted - more romantic to her. And made me feel less likely to get used.  Still DonB2222 went to the RP and met a girl walking through Shoe Mart that did exactly what yours is doing to you so it isn't a failsafe plan but still I think its the cornerstone.  If they say they love you in the first couple of months then I'd be very scared cause I doubt they could mean it.

I think the next thing I did was to determine if she would meet my expectations in marriage.  A lot of guys got mad at me for that but dude I'm ecstatically happy right now so I don't care if they liked it.  I set up questions (I did share them but don't have them anymore) and tried hard to trip her up. Catch her lying.  I worded the questions so she didn't know what my answers would be so she couldn't answer just to please me.  I asked her about things that did eventually happen, like her parents wanting money and watched as exactly what we discussed played out (I was still in shock).  On occasion we did a little roll playing of what our days would be like once married.  Stupid maybe but I could see what she was thinking and what her expectations in marriage were.

I think the last thing I did was to get irrational a few times (meaning I knew I'd have to make-up later) just so I could see what would happen in the future if things started going wrong.

Everyone should be happy in marriage but it doesn’t mean you can go into it just thinking, "Hey, there’s a cutie. We'll get married".  If you have wants, expectations and needs she had better know what they are and you had better know hers too.  I've seen lots problems occur because of things not discussed.   Like most Filipinas want to get pregnant the minute they touch America and the guy doesn't want a child.  How could anyone get married and not discuss that but yet it happened to at least two guys on this forum.

Hugging and kissing is awesome and feels great but it feels great with any ole' slut.  It’s better to know you got someone who's going to be there when you got problems because life learning how to deal with one problem after another.  This girl wasn’t going to be there for you so its better this way that when it really would have hurt 10x worse.

Like I said I know at least 5 Filipinas who’d make great wives so just because you met the wrong one doesn’t mean the right one isn’t out there.

The Bear Family

[Beattledog]

when you marry, this is the chance that you take

beattledog

[Montrealer]

Try this next time.

Get yourself a Filipino maid, preferably single.  This way she knows that just because she is in America, the roads are not littered with money and that being single is very tough.  Although she will probably make friends with other Filipino's, this will keep her in check.  I have lots of Filipino maids in my neighborhood, so you might want to check into that.  Plus, apparently they clean the best.

If she really loved you in the beginning, then this might encourage her to look for that love if ever she thinks she lost it, instead of just giving up right away.

I know once my wife, a latina, gets here, I'm defiantely keeping my Guatamalen cleaning lady.  Plus she's a great cook and I get along with her and have had dinner with there family.  Alot of the poorer class immigrants are actually the nicest people and can be a great influence and friend to your wife under the right circumstances.

[flipflop]

Filipino funking maids. So Dan protects and coddles the ever wise and sagacious Montrealer frrom the necessary critique of garbage like this. That is the most rude, insulting, degrading and pathetic piece of advice ive ever read on this forum.

This is what you get when you dont allow resonable people to smack idiocy like this into submission.

[Ray]

Try this next time.

Get yourself a Filipino maid, preferably single.  This way she knows that just because she is in America, the roads are not littered with money and that being single is very tough.  Although she will probably make friends with other Filipino's, this will keep her in check.  I have lots of Filipino maids in my neighborhood, so you might want to check into that.  Plus, apparently they clean the best.

Hey Monty, try this next time...        

[Jeff S]

I know once my wife, a latina, gets here, I'm defiantely keeping my Guatamalen cleaning lady.

My guess is that you won't get to vote. You're about to embark on a grand adventure, one you don't always get to steer the ship. Sometimes the seas will be nice and the winds fair, and others the seas will be stormy. Just remember it's all about he journey, not the destination.

- Jeff

[Montrealer]

Wow, now I know why I'm being attacked on my post. It was definately misunderstood.

My post was about hiring a maid of the same ethnicity as the wife, so that the wife can have a reminder of how difficult life can be in NA and that it's not as easy as her friends may tell her it is, thusfore making her try harder at making the relationship work.

I hope that clears it up a bit. I would never tell anyone to treat their wives like a maid or slave.

[catz]

Filipino funking maids. So Dan protects and coddles the ever wise and sagacious Montrealer frrom the necessary critique of garbage like this. That is the most rude, insulting, degrading and pathetic piece of advice ive ever read on this forum.

This is what you get when you dont allow resonable people to smack idiocy like this into submission.

Since this post has not been edited or deleted it seems clear that there in no protecting or coddling going on here at Goodwife. Everyone is welcome to "call them as they see them" as long as they do not get into personal attacks or vulgarity in doing so.

Catz

[flipflop]

looks like we found a boundry

excuse me if I keep railing against it

[Dan]

looks like we found a boundry

excuse me if I keep railing against it

What "boundry" [sp] are you referencing?

And why is it important to "keep railing against it"?

Doesn't that miss the point of the forums?

- Dan

[Ray]

Try this next time.

Get yourself a Filipino maid, preferably single.  This way she knows that just because she is in America, the roads are not littered with money and that being single is very tough.  Although she will probably make friends with other Filipino's, this will keep her in check.  I have lots of Filipino maids in my neighborhood, so you might want to check into that.  Plus, apparently they clean the best.

Monty, your suggestion may have seemed innocent to you, but it, came across as offensive and in bad taste.

The implied message is that you can keep your Filipina wife in line by having that poor Filipina maid around to remind her of where she would likely be without you. Whenever she gets out of line, just point to that other Filipina down there on her hands and knees cleaning your toilet and ask her if that's what she wants because after all that's about all a single Filipina immigrant is good for on her own.

If you thought that your comment "...apparently they clean the best" was some kind of compliment, then you were wrong. It was a degrading stereotype that shows your lack of class. A popular phrase going around is that Filipinos are "the toilet bowl cleaners of the world" because they often work abroad in menial jobs to support their families back home. Only an ignorant, insensitive person would think that, but to post it on a public forum just makes you look silly.

If I were you, I would think twice before you give out marital advice. And I would also suggest that you not pull that little game on your new bride if you want to keep her.

THINK before you post!

Ray

[Montrealer]

Thinking.....

Alright, looking back, it probably wasn't an appropriate comment.  Although my comment had none of the mal-intentions that you wrote, I can see how it can be conceived in that manner.

My apologies to anyone that did take offense to it.  Can we move past this now.

[The Mog Finally Returns]

Im not sure what you (montrealer) were talking about. Your original post seemed cryptic, and the syntax confusing and meaningless to the original issue -- but maybe it's just me. In the beginning my wife was timid and shy and scared. Little by little she saw there were other filipinos here. We passed some in the grocery store. We met some at the asian store. I always thought it would make her happy to meet as many as she could, to have friends and acquaintences from her country. Never did I realize the competitiveness that there is between these filipinas. I thought that it would make her feel less homesick to have friends. These "friends" are what eventually left me alone with a broken heart. To the new guys that are considering the Philippines, I feel sorry for you. I did not heed the warnings either -- but now I realize the truth. If you cant make it here, with an American woman, then the only way your relationship will survive is if you can provide the things that the filipina cannot get there in her country. After I was laid off from my job, my wife and I were suddenly equalized. We both became pitiful wage slaves, slogging to our thankless, low paying jobs day after day, night after night, no money to go out, just surviving. Meanwhile, her filipina friends were travelling back to the RP every year, going on trips to Florida and other places, driving new cars, living in nice suburban houses. So guys considering this jump, if you can provide these things for your wives-to-be then more power to you -- but know that this is the ONLY reason they are with you. The funny this about my sad story is that for all the filipino/american couples we met, that we had dinner with and went to picnics or movies with, not one stepped in to offer to help us stay together; nobody. So much for the strong family and friends. My little family of two , my wife and I, is now only a family of one. I would never go through this again. Never. What a horrible experience. I would not recommend any American guy go this route.
If you cant find a girl here, then you cant find a girl. And if you need to rely on money and material possessions to get one from 8000 miles away, you will end up just like the sorry case I am now.

[Ray]

So guys considering this jump, if you can provide these things for your wives-to-be then more power to you -- but know that this is the ONLY reason they are with you.

Hi Mog,

I feel your pain because I’ve been there myself when my first Filipina wife walked out after 27 years. I guess she was partly motivated by hard financial times but it goes deeper than that. And yes, she had some new “friends” trying their best to convince her to divorce and join their party crowd, even though they had never met me. I was in the military for most of our marriage and we lived a humble lifestyle, so she definitely didn’t stick around all of those years for the riches that I could provide for her. We both worked our arses off as a team to help get the few things we did have.

But when you make blanket statements like “…if you can provide these things for your wives-to-be then more power to you -- but know that this is the ONLY reason they are with you”, you insult our wives and fiancées. The fact is that you are dead wrong. Many of the guys on this forum are struggling financially and their Filipina wives are not all running for a divorce lawyer.

You know who you sound like Mog? You sound a lot like Larry (Shadow) a few short years ago after he got burned by his first Filipina wife. But he didn’t give up and says he is happy as a clam with his new Filipina wife. Is she only staying with him for all the riches he is providing her? Read his story!

I know you are going through a painful time in your life so I understand your lashing out at all Filipinas, but please think twice before posting that kind of hateful stuff. I don’t know you and your wife personally, but you made some choices that “probably” had something to do with you current situation. How many times have Bear, Jay, myself, and others warned about those Filipina “friends” that your wife might meet here in the States?

Yes, the Philippines has its share of materialistic gold diggers but they are not all like that. Your story should serve as a valuable lesson for those new guys out there that think this game is easy, but I’m afraid that the majority of them will ignore all the advice and warnings when push comes to shove.

Can I ask what were your ages when you two married?

How about that divorce attorney? Did you find one yet?

Peace,

Ray

[Montrealer]

Ray,
Great comments and very well worded.  I can take a serious lesson in how to word things in the appropriate way.

Mog,
I know it's a tough time right now.  What you need to do is claim your life back for yourself and then figure out what you want.  Right now it seems like the world took a dump on you, but you need to realize that the only person that can make the turn to happiness is yourself.  Take your time and work your feelings out, and in time you will feel happy that she is gone, because you will know it wasn't meant to be with her.  Then when you're ready, take the dive into something else.

Best Wishes,
Monty

[Bear]

Sorry you got hurt so bad dude, but wise up, there are a lot of us out there that are happy with our Filipina wives which means that some differences occur between you and us.  

Rather than make blanket, stereotyping statements condemning all Filipinas, I think you should compare what we did to what you did/didn't.  I am an AW hater so I'm not going to be able to see a good wife here - they don't exist.  They were raised and bred here to be bad wives.  But in the R.P. all the ladies I talk to want to be a wife, and hopefully a good one.  They are raised there to be good wives.  Can you find a bad one? Yeah, especially when you go "looking for the ones that are looking for you" - the ones with agendas.  Can a good one go bad? Whoa dude, so many times I've seen that happen.  But that’s what this BB is here for.  Research the failures and find out why they failed and then don't make those mistakes.  

What’s going to work?  Patience, communication and hardwork.  Most Filipinas want to be good wives but they want other things too.  If they find a "bad" husband then they default quite quickly to plan "b"e a wealthy amercan.  And they are strongly influenced by others; parents, friends, most anyone really.  The trick is to be the most influential person in their live.  That starts by being someone who is respected by them because if they don't respect you they'll hurt ya. And guess what?  They don't and won't care and its your own fault. They honestly won't think twice about it.  You just found that out.  Might have been better to read it in one of my posts on the subject.

You have a much better chance of finding a Goodwife there than here IMHO but not if your stupid and don't do the work.  They don't just go "Wow a Kano, I'll be happy".  They look for security and to them that comes from strength and respect not wealth or money.  Ya got to remember 40% are in poverty and insecurity is very prevalent in their minds.  

They’ve also got some gosh darn awful stereotyped ideas of "bad" AM's.  They see one of those traits in you then combine it with a low level of respect, then dude, you got a problem.  99 Times out of a 100 there’s some other influence telling them about those "bad" AM traits and it usually means your are not the most important influence in their life - that is a big mistake.

Combine that with poor communication (probably started with poor communication) not understanding her dreams, wants and desires and the right “out” they see they’re gone.

I think you married a bad Filipina but I also think you probably married a woman from a culture you made no attempt to understand.

I had a very good friend named “Troy” 6 years ago.  He was on Mag-Anak from here in Baytown (just east of Houston) and was courting a Filipina.  We had lots of chats and helped each other not make a few mistakes.  The first place I took my Honey when she got here was to meet him and his wife (about 60 miles from our house).  Man was she a “bad” wife.  Refused to cook or clean, claimed he was wimpy because he let her have a car and put her through college with no expectations of her, and man did she b”i”tch about his drinking.  All her “friends” at the mall constantly told her how much better she could do!  Now you and I probably think having a wife that has little or no responsibilities means we did a good job providing.  To them it means they found a person who deserves no respect and they can use.  I found out that she was planning to divorce her husband on the upcoming 2-year anniversary because he was a “drunk” (as she put it to my wife).  Luckily my wife has this thing about Filipinas who criticize others and who make cruel comments about there appearance (something I call the worst Filipina trait).  Because of that, I was able to end “with prejudice” any relationship Honey had with that slut and another bigwig of Mag-Anak's wife.  I then started calling her husband to clue him in on the plans of his wife.  I have never seen such a resourceful Filipina.  She stopped me from calling him for near 2 months.  It ended her “plans” to divorce him because she let herself get pregnant and I guess changed her mind.  Started acting the “goodwife” at least around my wife because her and her Filipina buddies no longer talk to Honey.  He and I are no longer friends because I am never able to get in touch with him or be able to call him at home (she still screens his calls).  I refused to let my wife associate with her and I guarantee ya that if I hadn’t got involved I’d be in the same shape you are and Troy almost was.

The Bear Family

[Jeff S]

I, for one, don't believe that a person's friends can convince them that they should dump a person they're in love with. Neither do I believe that mere financial hard times can poison an otherwise strong relationship. I do, however, believe there's something in the female mindset to think men are projects, to be converted from what they are, to what she wants him to be. From a quote from the movie "Dancer Texas, Population 81," in response to his drunk father's girlfriend comment about how lots of girls are looking for a nice guy like him, the character "squirrel" says: "That's not how it works. Women don't want nice guys, they want bad boys and want to try to turn them into nice guys." I do believe that plenty of women, AM and Filipinas included, think they can overlook percieved faults or incompatabilities in men and somehow, with their love (usually accompanied with substantial nagging) convert them to thier ideal partner. When they find they cannot, they often lose interest. This may be magnified in foreign relationships since so little actual time is spent with our fiances before tying the knot. Spending a few weeks holding hands and walking on the beach of an exotic tropical island has little in-common with day to day life here in the US. She really doesn't know you, since you're out of your element and putting on your best behavior, and likewise, so is she, hoping to impress you enough to become Prince Charming's princess. I've heard it said that women marry men hoping they'll change - then they don't, while men marry women hoping they don't change - then they do.

I'm not making any particular reference to your individual situation, since I really know nothing about your courtship and eventual marriage. I do know if someone tried to convince my wife that I was worthless and she could do much better, whoever said it better duck, and quick. I also know several other Asian/American couples, and believe that in either case if they fell on financial hard times, the wives would do whatever it took to pitch in and help the situation out, not take off for some guy with a roll of c-notes.

So, I guess the point is, choose wisely. Find a girl mature enough to realize that you are you, that love and marriage take effort, and whose committed to sticking with you through good times and bad, then spend enough time with her before comitting to find out if she able to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. By the way, that's someting I think the man has to do as well, be mature enough, make the committment, and put in the effort needed to make it go right.

- Jeff