My Marriage to a Costena (latest report)

[Alabamaboy!]

I don't have a lot of time to rehash the story right now, but to all the guys who have heard of my story with my wife, with all the ups and downs, here is the latest:

She is back  here in the States with me and the kids. She and the pregnancy are going great. She is healthy as can be. The kids and I are 100% satisfied with everything. She says she is too and sure does act like it. The house and family is running like a well oiled machine. We are doing everything as a family and there are no clashes, problems, or disagreements with anyone since she has returned a few weeks ago. Her communication in English is adequate. Everyone is doing their part and enjoying the good life. Every day is very enjoyable.

Basically 180 degrees from what was happening before she left. I really think it was a case of really super high hormone levels or something in the first trimester because none of the stuff that was happening then is happening now. And I think that the "nesting" instincts are now very strong and a lot of the things I was trying to explain to her are now much more easily apparent to her.

I know nothing is guaranteed in life, but if things continued like they are now for the rest of our days I would be completely satisfied without any complaints or concerns.

[Jeff S]

That's great news Bama. Congrats and best wishes to work though everything for the long run.

[Bob_S]

Basically 180 degrees from what was happening before she left. I really think it was a case of really super high hormone levels or something in the first trimester because none of the stuff that was happening then is happening now. And I think that the "nesting" instincts are now very strong and a lot of the things I was trying to explain to her are now much more easily apparent to her.

Very glad to hear it's all starting to work out.  Yeah, I think some of us thought it was just nasty depression caused by radical hormone shifts.  I hope she's mellowed now, but do be on the look out for signs of postpartum depression.  If she were this bad in the first trimester, I wouldn't be surprised if it hits her again soon after the baby comes out.

[fathertime]

Very good!


Hopefully u and your lady continue to show patience with each other as you are now during this good time, because it is a certainty there will be many different issues/conflicts that arise over the years. 


Fathertime! 

[robert angel]

Glad things are working out better lately. I was just thinking 'what happened to...?" about you yesterday. Nothing is perfectly constant and as if anyone knows--that's you--but what Bob_S said about post partum depression is not to be taken lightly. My first wife was meaner than a bobcat in a burlap bag when she was pregnant, then she went through P.P. depression too!
 
So anyway, if you've got good news to report, that's great--I'm sure it helps somebody around here somehow--thanks on behalf of the silent.
 
Good luck, Rocky!

[InnocentVixen]

I am glad you guys could work things out

[beginthebeguin]

AB this is good news to hear. I was hoping it was just an elevated hormone level to begin with. 
Now I hope that if and when this subject comes up in a later marital argument perhaps years from now, (and it will. I should know,) some things are not forgotten by women. My two cents will be to let it pass, don't bring it up yourself if you can avoid doing so.
Good luck to both of you, it is good to hear good news for a change.     

[Dan Las Vegas]

Hey AB,
Glad to hear the good news!!! Hope all continues to go well! When is the baby due?
 
Dan LV

[Ray]

 

 
 
 

[V_Man]

Hey that's awesome AB!!!!!!!!!!!

All the best of luck mate!!!

[Researcher]

    Good to hear things have smoothed out AB.


        Researcher

[raycjs]

AB,
 
I am very happy for all of you...i am glad to see you gave her a second chance... I am very happy also, things are going great and we are going on
3 years... i love the Costena attitude and way of life it works perfect for me...
i would not have it any other way..
 
best of luck to you
 
Ray

[whitey]

Glad to hear it AB and best wishes ... I'm not sure I'd have anywhere near the amount of patience for all the things you've been through ...

[Alabamaboy!]

It was well worth it because everyone is super happy, healthy, and doing better than ever. We are having a great time as a family buying all the furniture and preparing things for the new baby. Every day is like a vacation ever since she got back home. Today we had a little birthday party for my daughter here at work and my wife came to the office and we all had a great time and everyone was amazed at how beautiful, healthy, and happy she and the kids are together. Everything flowing effortlessly at this time.

[aconcepts]

Peachy keen b-boy. Felicidades!


As you so eloquently filled us in blow by blow on the separation, I think we all are eager to hear the details of the joyous reunion. I think all would like to know what caused the change of heart. So, please don’t spare us the details so we all can benefit from how you reunited with the estranged wife.

[V_Man]

That's awesome AB.
I simply couldn't afford to do what you have done. She is lucky to have such a patient and understanding husband. I'm sure she is worth it. 

All the best mate. 

[CeeTeeEnn]

I'm happy to hear some good news from you AB, and i hope sincerely your marriage will be a happy one from now on.

[Alabamaboy!]

Peachy keen b-boy. Felicidades!


As you so eloquently filled us in blow by blow on the separation, I think we all are eager to hear the details of the joyous reunion. I think all would like to know what caused the change of heart. So, please don’t spare us the details so we all can benefit from how you reunited with the estranged wife.

The details regarding the change of heart is that she is 180 degrees different than when she left. I really think it was all due to the hormones or something. She is doing 100% of what a dream wife could be expected to do (or more), and doing so effortlessly and con gusto. Maybe it is the presence of new hormones that are in her body preparing her for motherhood or something. Who knows?

One thing that did not happen was me or the kids changing. We are all doing our regular things. The kids were not doing anything out of the ordinary when she was here before. And I have always been a good husband, father, provider and always treat people very well unless they are messing with me or my family. So it was not any change at all with me. All improvements with the relationship and marriage are due to her actions, attitude, and maturation.

I don't think it has anything at all to do with her wanting to be here for the "American Dream" because we both would prefer living in Colombia if we could pull it off. And she has a lot more responsibilities here in the States than she would ever have in Colombia.

I don't think it has anything at all to do about material things because she signed a post-nupt basically waiving any financial gain if we should divorce. And since she has been back here even though she I told her to go ahead and buy whatever clothes, shoes, whatever she wanted, she has only bought one thing....a pressure cooker to cook beans better and faster.

The whole experience has been super expensive and a real pain in the ass to do for this many years, but the results are good. Everyone is happy, healthy, and satisfied.

I would advise other guys though that it is not a good idea to change your ideals too much in order to have things work out, because if you do, then you may regret it later on that you "sold out" your kids or yourself by giving too much of a pass on things that are unacceptable.

All this being said, who knows what tomorrow will bring. I am not being too cocky because I know things can fall apart very quickly if either party starts to take the other for granted and gets lazy with the relationship.

[Alabamaboy!]

That's awesome AB.
I simply couldn't afford to do what you have done. She is lucky to have such a patient and understanding husband. I'm sure she is worth it. 

All the best mate. 

There is no way that I would be able to do it either if I were to start today. The cost at this point of my life would be much too high. The economy is much different now and my income has been chopped drastically since I began this whole process. And the cost of travel, visas, etc have all increased significantly over the years.

Yeah, she is worth it. Honestly I don't know what else a guy could ask for. She is like 6 1/2 months pregnant and looks as pretty and healthy as any woman I have ever seen. And her attitude and presence bring a soothing, peaceful atmosphere to the whole family and household.

[aconcepts]

You say it is only her that has changed. I see a dramatic difference in your attitude in the way you write. I don't read the same overblown certainty or lack of humility. Plus where has all the bravado gone? Could those changes possibly hint of a maturation?


Is it a case that you have outgrown your self centered attitude and taken some measure of responsibility? Seems like form you previous posts it was all about your rightness and her poor behavior. Maybe you took Father Times advice and did some introspection regarding your negligence in the relationship and tried harder???. Excellent advise by the way FT. I learned from it. Thanks.


I live by this credo: "if I am not the problem there is no solution" Yes that is an original.


It means that if I have not contributed negligence then I cannot repair or repay to correct my negligence within the situation I am part of. My self correction and doing what I can to right a wrong are all I can control. My only method of redemption. Even though you are probably to cocky to admit it, your posts smell as if you have made personal changes, I sense this by the way you write.


Your ego may be too large to have even realized your personal changes as of yet, however it would be a good illustration to us all, yours truly included, if you could tell us how your behavior, attitude or perspective have changed. Think about it, you could learn a lot about yourself as well. It is obvious by your writing that there have been personal changes. I'd bet the ranch on it...

[Bob_S]

You say it is only her that has changed. I see a dramatic difference in your attitude in the way you write. I don't read the same overblown certainty or lack of humility. Plus where has all the bravado gone? Could those changes possibly hint of a maturation?
Is it a case that you have outgrown your self centered attitude and taken some measure of responsibility? Seems like form you previous posts it was all about your rightness and her poor behavior. Maybe you took Father Times advice and did some introspection regarding your negligence in the relationship and tried harder???. Excellent advise by the way FT. I learned from it. Thanks.

Maybe.  I think it's more the case of AB simply rising to the occasion, digging deep into his reserve of patience he's always had but hasn't needed to such an extent before, to cope with a woman going through hormonal derangement.  Years from now, they'll all look back and see how they are better for having gone through this fire together and come out the other end, still together.

[aconcepts]

Ok Bob, chose your weapon (verbiage) as you see fit. But isn't reaching down into his personal reserve as never before a personal change (new behavior) as I indicated? yeah it appears Bama went though hell with his relationship (so have I and I had more than my share of crap that I did to contribute to the fire storm) but from what I gather reading between the lines it take two to tango and i can't remember any self assignment of negligence on Bamas part. it was pretty much always her failing to meet his expectations, and what a great provider he has been. Which may be true. And if so, maybe he will take some personal responsibility for the design of the relationship that created fundamental dysfunction. Its a learning opportunity and if he does not wish to examine the design flaws I understand, but he and we will be a bit poorer without it. However I am sure we will all live to further our relationship errors ' hahahaha!


I have many years on this earth and in my experience negligence may not be equally mutual --- but it is almost always of a mutual nature in various percentages.... If that negligence was in the original design or execution, it is still negligence nonetheless. Just seeing if he will own up to his mistakes... The measure of a man.






Bama what say you?


Did you behavior change or did you extend undeserved favor (grace) by forgiving her transgressions?

[V_Man]

Good grief!!!
AB has laid out his personal life in much more detail than the vast majority would. Give the guy a friggin break!
I'm sure AB does not claim he is perfect.
Forgive me for saying so but quite frankly I am starting to wonder who would gain most from a little introspection.

Personally I am very pleased to read about the ups and downs of real married life. That is only going to happen if guys feel safe to share their most personal trials.

Elsewhere on the web, you would be forgiven for thinking that getting married was the same as living happily ever after. Whereas we all know that marraige is really just the begining of a whole new stage. At least here we have the opportunity to discuss real life and any ups and downs that may be unique to cross cultural marriages.

[aconcepts]

"At least here we have the opportunity to discuss real life and any ups and downs that may be unique to cross cultural marriages."


That is my intention.


Nobody is holding a gun to his head to make him talk.

[aconcepts]

"At least here we have the opportunity to discuss real life and any ups and downs that may be unique to cross cultural marriages."


So lets discuss it; how a man reunites with his estranged wife of a different culture. What it takes. Father Time made a great point about a man responsibility and dedication to make it work. Here is a real life example of what many may expect from cross cultural marriages. So if Bama wants to share lets hear what it took.


Lastly I don't think Bama wants a break. If he did he would not have started this topic.


If one wants to marry a woman 20 years his junior, lets hear what it takes to sustain the marriage.