God meant for you to be with me....not your wife. (Warning long a$$ read LOL)

[DNice237]

Whats up PL. Boy I've had a crazy 2 yrs of my life. Here it goes. The tale of a tragedy.
 
  I have  a story about 2 women. My current wife, I'll call her "Denise" and another women I met my first trip to Colombia "Julie". 

 I met both woman on my first trip to Barranquilla, Colombia about 2 years ago thanks to the assistance of Jamie @ I.I. (To me he is the best in Colombia by far.) My intentions was on meeting a beautiful, tradition, family oriented blah blah blah you understand.  At the end of the trip I was very attracted to Julie and she had a great personality but Denise had the same qualities but went a little further to make me interested in her and remember her. Even though Denise was a good woman, I was attracted to Julie the most.

 So After the first trip I kept in contact with Julie through email, Yahoo messenger and translated phone calls. I talked to Denise also but not as much even though she showed alot of interest. After 2 weeks Julie did the first no no... she asked could I help her pay a debt of 100 dollars to her mother. After that I was really frustrated and lost trust in her and decided to break things off. I was warned many times that if a girl ask you for money very quickly, she might be trying to play you for a fool. It was odd though because she never asked me for money on our "citas" but waited until after I returned home. Not to mention her dad makes big money working for a petrol company. He pays for her tuition. After I broke things off she accused me of being unreasonable and that maybe I just wanted her for sex. I told her my plan was not to F**k women in Colombia rather my plan was to enjoy my first trip to South America and meet some beautiful woman with a good heart. I honestly believed you could find both in Colombia.

 Fast forward now, I beefed up contact with Denise and we became close. I then decided we should slow down because I wanted to visit Colombia more. My second trip I used Jamie again, went on a few more citas. I happened to have lunch with Denise again to tell her why I wanted to cool our relationship, let's just say after that dinner and seen how fine she was looking and how much of a kind person she was, I told Jamie to cancel my other appointments, I wanted to spend my time with Denise. He advised me to have more dates and not rush things but I thought " this is my life and I want Denise". SoI spent the whole time with her and her family that second trip.

  Lets just say me and Denise were on and off for about a year. I took trip #3 to BAQ for Jamie for new citas, trip 4 to visit an agency in Bogota.  Me and Denise reunited again trip 5 got engaged, trip 6 visited family again. The whole time Julie was sending emails and text expressing her love for me. I would periodically email her back only to make her aware that Denise was a good woman I we were getting married. Julie was trying to convince me to start over again because she was in love with me but I was intent on being with Denise.

 Next.. Visa approved. Picked her up from Miami including spending time with the folks there. I had the welcome banners and everything waiting for her she was so happy. Let's just say a 3 or 4 days later she starts invading my privacy like crazy! She went through all my files in my computer and found pics and files I thought I had deleted before she came to the U.S. It was a couple of photos of an ex I thought was gone. Next she was searching in my closets, checking my phone for women, she checked my closets even my daughters room for evidence of a previous woman. She once tripped out and went Ballistic crying, sobbing throwing things because I had a video from when I was in the Air Force partying with some female and male buddies of mine. The video had nothing inappropriate just clean fun. No exes or nothing. She just didn't like that there were woman partying with us! At first I thought maybe this is how married woman are, then she found an email that Julie sent me. Then things went down hill from there. [snip]! I still married her like a fool after 2 weeks here because her mom is very old school and don't like shacking. I wanted mom in law to feel assured that I was serious about marrying her daughter. Deep down maybe I should have waited the 90 day wait period after the Visa.

 The next 5 months were getting really [snip]ty. LOL.  Her insecurities grew worse till I felt like I was in  prison. She accused me of having sex with my ex, being in love with Julie, and was very controlling.  If I left the house it was " where are you going? Is this for work? what time are you coming back? Be home before 12 because I'm cooking lunch." I would say "Babe I'll come back when I done I have to make money dear, maybe you can eat without me." She would literally not eat until I came back home. She hit me, Threw wine in my face, call my friends looking for me even though I was gone for a couple of hours. She's had fits of anger in front of other married couples going out with us, how embarrassing. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. She took her lingerie and cut it up. Meanwhile Julie still sent emails confessing how she still loves me and she hates that I'm married. So out of respect for my wife, I deleted Julie off of my facebook, email accounts messenger everything. It still wasn't sufficient for Denise. She still was insecure controlling, jealous, possesive and furious. I even told her when Julie sent me the emails to prove that she could trust me.  She even ATTEMPTS to tell me when I should go to bed even though she doesn't work and I bring in 100% of the money. I'm playing Call of Duty dammit!  I'm a night owl sometimes.

 Let me interject  that I was not cheating on her, chatting with other woman, clubbing, partying e.t.c.  I was a good man Honest. I cooked, I worked at home so I spent every waking moment with her.  I lost most of my single friends, we had married friends now, which was not a problem for me. I was helping her with her Adjustment of status, english school, nice clothes and shoes, I did everything for her, I just wanted her happy. Let's say nothing worked.

 One day we had a fallout so bad she kicked me in my chest on the bed I went to the living room, she throws a flower vase at me screaming and yelling she threw shoes at me and hit me in the head. Next she threw wine in my face and I felt the sting of the wine in my eyes. This moment is when I had an epiphany "this woman doesn't respect me!" I did not hit her but I got so mad that I took a bottle of windex and sprayed that [snip] in her hair like I was washing bus windows.  She slept in the car all night. After that I told her I wanted a divorce. My grandfather always told me " You don't hurt things you love *chewing tobacco spit* ) many more incidents but I repeated to her many times that she needs to control her rage. She had no evidence what so ever for doing these things. Sure I talk crap alot, I'm not perfect but this was too much!

 Fast forward to now after couseling and many arguements she has been with family in Miami for 3 days now. I told her I don't want to work it out I want out. She is thinking this is an obstacle. No I want a divorce. In Irony, Julie send me an email still confessing how she is in love with me and misses me. She even sent pics. Now deep down in me I want to see what could have been if I pursued Julie. Parts of me wants to travel and see the world more as a single man. I'm not even finished filling out my Divorce Papers yet. All I know is I want out of this marriage. There was good times sure, but the bad times were ohhhhh so bad. My house was filled with her crying every other day about [snip] I have not done. I'm being 100% truthful no need to lie on a forum.

 I want to let you guys know that I have been with Denise for 2 yrs now start to finish. I made many travels to be sure she was Mrs. Right. I didn't travel for vagina or prostitutes or to be a playboy but I was on a mission and I wanted to be sure I was marrying the right woman no matter how long it took. Me and my wife didn't get married until after a year and 5 months of interaction and trips. I would have never known she was so damn insecure. My therapist told me she has abandonment issues and that I needed the power to for me to be happy. I can honestly say I would save my marriage but there is nothing to save. All but bad memories that I want to forget and move on from.  I was good to her.  I gave her everything but it wasn't enough.

  My question to you guys is do you think I should try things out with Julie after my divorce? I don't want to rush things but actually interact with her again then maybe visit. Part of me questions why would she confess her love in the mist of my marriage and not forget about me. Part of me wonders damn, maybe she is in love. I want to be happy with a wife and a family someday. I have never been married before and I'm 32. I never asked a woman to marry me. Should me and Julie start all over again? Or should I give Jamie another try. I swear Jamie made good money off of me but I had to be sure. Sorry about this long ass novela script lol!

 

[michaelb]

  My question to you guys is do you think I should try things out with Julie after my divorce?

No.

[V_Man]

  My question to you guys is do you think I should try things out with Julie after my divorce?

No.

[benjio]

DNice,
 
Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry to hear about your bad experiences. I would cut my losses, forget both women and move forward. Returning to Jamie's should definitely be an option you consider if their are good aspects of Colombian Women you can't see yourself living without. But jealously, whether irrantionally insane or hardly noticeable, is normal with Latinas. Remember they are coming from a culture where infidelity is not only the norm, but is almost an expectation amongst men. So many of the women have a hard time shaking the fear that you'll be unfaithful one day, even though we live in an entirely different culture.
 
Whatever your decision, take comfort in the fact that you are more experienced now, and you'll probably be much more intelligent and patient when choosing a life partner in the future. As difficult as it is for us as human beings to seperate emotion from logic, at some level, that's exactly what you have to do when searching for a partner in Latin America. It's a great feeling to be in love. And an even greater one to be absolutely sure that adoration is mutual. But IMHO, a lack of real compatibility, rational behavior, and/or the willingness to adjust to a new culture will usually destroy a marriage to a foreign woman long before any amount of true love can save it. As difficult as it may be, any obvious signs of the three aforementioned characteristics in a relationship with a Latina should be viewed as red flags. And it's usually best to move on instead of trying to ride out the storm hoping things will change.

[Researcher]

       Nope.

       At 32 you are still a young man. The best thing to do, if you can afford it, is to travel, meet many women and be picky as hell. Take your time and get to know some women before you get serious. If you meet Miss Right quick then great if no, not a problem.

      Researcher

[fathertime]

Thanks for the story sir.  I'd move on quickly from this woman. Her behavior and distrust is off the charts bad.




Fathertime! 

[Fuzzyone]

  Wow that is a hell of a story real sorry to see you had to go thru something like that. I would wait if I was you with Julie only because you need a little time to heal jumping to fast will just make matters worse. Good luck and exit stage right!

[Bob_S]

My question to you guys is do you think I should try things out with Julie after my divorce?

No.

Should me and Julie start all over again?

Hell no.

I want to be happy with a wife and a family someday.

Do you really?  You know, everyone says that, but still some folks are just a glutton for punishment.  They seek drama and projects doomed to fail.  You know, you absolutely KNOW that if you go back to this Julie girl, it will be more drama and suffering.  If you truly honestly want to be happy...

I would cut my losses, forget both women and move forward.

++1!

[Kiltboy1]

As Iron Maiden said" Run For The Hills ! "

[DNice237]

Thanks for the advice fellas. I want to finish my divorce and maybe travel a bit. No agencies no anything. Julie is history. I have a problem with a woman that's willing to disrespect another womans marriage for her own selfishness. My wife had to call her to tell her to leave our marriage alone, Julie was persistent as hell.

I just want to start over again. Honestly, me and my wife were married for a short time , so it's not alot to get over. Part of me wants that feeling I got on my first trip to BAQ and interacting with all of those women. It was euphoric.

Due to my wifes insane jealousy, she did all of this "American Dream" thing for nothing. Her AOS interview for 2 yr conditional green card is in 8 days and she's not here to attend the appointment.  I asked my therapist " I don't know if I should attend the AOS appt with my wife." the doc told me "You know the answer to that."

[raycjs]

I would not waste your time or money....... move on....
 
Good luck
Ray

[DNice237]

As difficult as it is for us as human beings to seperate emotion from logic, at some level, that's exactly what you have to do when searching for a partner in Latin America. It's a great feeling to be in love. And an even greater one to be absolutely sure that adoration is mutual.  And it's usually best to move on instead of trying to ride out the storm hoping things will change.

Man this is gold! Me prolonging things would have probably had me in a bad situation. I had to talk to a therapist to stop worrying about about always making her happy and what would happen to her back in Colombia. I pushed my happiness away to stay in the marriage because I felt guilty for wanting to end my first marriage. It was time that I stop the up and down marriage rollercoaster and get off the ride now. I'm getting nauseous on this ride.

[Ray]

 
Attend her Removal of Conditions interview? Whatever for? You probably couldn't help her pass unless you flat out lie under oath.
 
After she is officially divorced, she can self-petition to remove conditions. Stay out of it and let her figure this stuff out for herself.
 
 
As far as this "Julie" chick goes...
 
 

 
 
Ray
 
 

[whitey]

DNice237 ... sorry to hear how things worked out and thanks for posting so other guys can learn.

Benjio ... truly great posts on Barranquilla ... as usual ...

[DNice237]

Attend her Removal of Conditions interview? Whatever for? You probably couldn't help her pass unless you flat out lie under oath.
 
After she is officially divorced, she can self-petition to remove conditions. Stay out of it and let her figure this stuff out for herself.
 
 
As far as this "Julie" chick goes...
 
 

 
 
Ray

LOL!! and the consensus WINS !! 

[Kiltboy1]

 But jealously, whether irrationally insane or hardly noticeable, is normal with Latinas. Remember they are coming from a culture where infidelity is not only the norm, but is almost an expectation amongst men   
 
 
While this may be true, I have to disagree to the level of jealousy. I dated maybe 200 Colombian women in a 10 year stretch and while I found several to have the level your wife had, I found just as many that had a rational , calm nature to them. You just need to choose well . Education helps too . I got hooked up and married a woman that I should not have from Cali and she was a lot like your wife. I beat myself up trying to figure her out, make her happy, etc. I came to realize that some people just want to live in chaos and can never be happy no matter what there environment, so really my man, do not feel like you failed. You just chose the wrong woman.And never allow a woman to abuse you the way your wife did. You should have called the cops and let her sit in the county resort hotel for a few days to think about what she did. I did that and it changed the game completely. My advice to you is forget about the wife thing for a while and just go experience all that Latin America has to offer Zonny style for a while would be the best therapy you could choose for yourself and then when you least expect it, the correct woman will show up in your life. I am now married 5 years with a woman that had I tried to go a different route would have never showed up in my life , but I had given up finding a wife and BAM, there she comes and life is great. Thanks for the story and you have guys here that have been through it too, so never feel bad to ask about our experiences
 
KB

[Brazilophile]

My question to you guys is do you think I should try things out with Julie after my divorce?

Like everyone else, my answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! 

I would go a bit further and recommend that you travel in countries OTHER THAN Colombia and simply enjoy yourself, the cultures, and life itself.  Living with a psychopath is extremely stressful and you need A LOT of time to recover from that horrendous experience before trying again with anyone else.

Personally, I suggest visiting Brazil.  It is a huge country with lots of very different types of women, great beaches, great cuisine, great music, great movies.   Try the rodizios de carne and the rodizios de massa, especially the ones that offer live musical entertainment.

Brazil's economy has been pretty good for the past several years.  You would be very surprised to see how greater economic opportunity eases a woman's jealousy (but may bring out other issues). 

[DNice237]

@Brazilophile

I was actually contemplating visiting Brazil now that I'm single again.  I would like to visit maybe Recife, Belo Horizonte or Salvador, Bahia.  I didn't want to visit Rio because it's so Westernized now I heard.  Is there tour companies I can use to help me navigate these cities. I need to learn some Portuguese too.

[InnocentVixen]

First off let me clarify I might be a bit biased due a bad experience and because, well, I am a woman...


I see talk about jealousy, but nobody mentions just how immature, aggressive and unreasonable Denise was, sure, jealousy was the spark that started the fire but believe me with that sort of people if it wasn't that it would have been something else, if you have moved on I am glad, sounds like a healthy choice.


However, I have heard that a woman's intuition is never wrong and I am starting to think it is true. I think she could sense you never really made up your mind between her and Julie, the fact that you would reply every now in a blue moon even if it was to tell her that you were getting married would just get Julie's hopes up and maybe even fuel her desire for the hunt, you became the pray because she couldn't have you, yet you wouldn't completely cut off contact with her by blocking her email address for example, for me the fact you even read her emails is a clear sign you still wanted to talk to her, either that or you were enjoying the ego boost a bit too much.


As for Julie, she sounds like mistress material, she is the kind that wants what she can't have, she didn't try that hard until your attention was focused elsewhere wasn't? wasn't that the reason you chose Denise?


There is many ways of cheating, I feel the most painful one is emotional affair, because if you get drunk one night and sleep with someone it only makes you stupid, if you give in to the sexy co-worker it makes you a dog but as bad as those things are, they are somewhat primitive instincts in a way, you were not thinking and it didn't mean anything, it is a mistake... yet when you get involved emotionally with someone else while in a relationship, it is the heart that is at play, you WERE thinking and it DID mean something and you may leave your partner to be with that someone if she becomes important enough, abandonment issues? I think she had all the right to be afraid of losing you, that she managed it the worse possible way it's another story.


Anyways I hope you learned from it and stick to one next time, a nice one that will be loving, understanding and wise enough to move on instead of making a hell out of your life if she has lost her trust in you for whatever reason.

[DNice237]

First off let me clarify I might be a bit biased due a bad experience and because, well, I am a woman...


I see talk about jealousy, but nobody mentions just how immature, aggressive and unreasonable Denise was, sure, jealousy was the spark that started the fire but believe me with that sort of people if it wasn't that it would have been something else, if you have moved on I am glad, sounds like a healthy choice.


However, I have heard that a woman's intuition is never wrong and I am starting to think it is true. I think she could sense you never really made up your mind between her and Julie, the fact that you would reply every now in a blue moon even if it was to tell her that you were getting married would just get Julie's hopes up and maybe even fuel her desire for the hunt, you became the pray because she couldn't have you, yet you wouldn't completely cut off contact with her by blocking her email address for example, for me the fact you even read her emails is a clear sign you still wanted to talk to her, either that or you were enjoying the ego boost a bit too much.


As for Julie, she sounds like mistress material, she is the kind that wants what she can't have, she didn't try that hard until your attention was focused elsewhere wasn't? wasn't that the reason you chose Denise?


There is many ways of cheating, I feel the most painful one is emotional affair, because if you get drunk one night and sleep with someone it only makes you stupid, if you give in to the sexy co-worker it makes you a dog but as bad as those things are, they are somewhat primitive instincts in a way, you were not thinking and it didn't mean anything, it is a mistake... yet when you get involved emotionally with someone else while in a relationship, it is the heart that is at play, you WERE thinking and it DID mean something and you may leave your partner to be with that someone if she becomes important enough, abandonment issues? I think she had all the right to be afraid of losing you, that she managed it the worse possible way it's another story.


Anyways I hope you learned from it and stick to one next time, a nice one that will be loving, understanding and wise enough to move on instead of making a hell out of your life if she has lost her trust in you for whatever reason.

I can totally see were your coming from Innocent Vixen. She told me that finding Julie's email was a blow to her and after that she felt that she couldn't trust me. I also understand that costenas are very competitive and hold on tight to their men. I thought I cleaned out all of the old photos and files out of my computer by I happened to miss a few things.

I honestly made an effort to erase Julie out of my life but this women was a total pain and would send me an email like once every month. I tried to make my wife assured that by my actions.  I received emails but never sent them. I'm not going to go through a whole visa process, bring my wife here to Arizona if I wanted to be with Julie. I waited until I was 32 to even consider marriage.

I can't have love or respect for Julie for the simple fact that no woman with respect would try and sabotage another womans household. No honor in that and I think Julie has alterior motives. Maybe she thinks I'm a gringo sugardaddy. I'm not stupid though, the very first time Julie ask me for money I dropped her like a bad habit. I was in love with my wife because she had a great heart and a great personality. My wife was christian and I didn't subscribe to a religion but we worked past that. I respected her views and vice versa. We had alot of differences but love made us look past all of that. I still wish her the best, I talked to her today but.....tommorrow I sign a Dissolution of Divorce.

My Aunt told me "There are many avenues to get to where you need to go". Let's just say I need to make a u-turn. Hell, even Darth Vader was in love but eventually destroyed his wife and himself because of his lack to deal with his issues. I know, real life movies don't mix. Star Wars fan 

[JWR]

The fact that she kicked you in the chest, and you sprayed windex in her hair shows how completely out of control this situation had gotten.   That's really sad it got that bad.
 
In relationships with girls from the same country, couples usually walk away long before things get this crazy.  But after so much time and money invested in finally getting a girl here to the US, couples often try to force things way past the limit of sanity.
 
It may be difficult, but for you to really move past this, you need to look in the mirror, and take responsibility for your part in all this.  It's easy to blame when you are pissed off and hurting, but it always takes two imperfect people to get into these messes.
 
Try to put yourself in her position for just a minute.  What if you found out, she was continuing to have email contact with another guy in the US while she was living in your house after you were married?  How would that make you feel?  Maybe you weren't responding to the girl's emails, but you didn't put the other girl in the spam file.......  Your wife left her country, and everything familiar for you, and you were her entire world. 
 
She was completely relying on you for everything financially and emotionally, and you are still reading emails from this other girl.
 
Now she faces the embarrassment of returning to Colombia after this failure. 
 
 

[InnocentVixen]

night owl... call of duty... star wars... man you are such a geek! haha
I don't mean it as an offence I just think it's funny.


I am glad you see where I am coming from, JWR has a pretty good understanding of how a woman feels, I think he is right on actually.


I am sure you got the point already but I am going to say it again, you would read those emails and one day you "forgot to delete" one and she found it, to delete it without reading it was the right thing to do to avoid temptation, to delete it AFTER reading even without replying it is simply hiding those emails in a way, to show them to her was just savoring the drama. Just something to consider for when you find the right lady.


Oh and to say Julie was a pain it is no excuse, it is so easy to get rid of people on the internet, the woman is in another country and with no means of showing up at your doorstep after all! sorry if I am harsh but I think the only reason you were not able to get her out of your life is because deep down you didn't wanted to, it is not about you not loving your wife, it is the satisfaction of having an attractive woman begging for your attention so desperately.

[Ray]

Now she faces the embarrassment of returning to Colombia after this failure.

 
She doesn't have to return if she doesn't want to.
 
She can always self-petition for removal of conditions and gain permanent unconditional residence here.
 
 
 
Ray
 
 

[DNice237]

night owl... call of duty... star wars... man you are such a geek! haha
I don't mean it as an offence I just think it's funny.


I am glad you see where I am coming from, JWR has a pretty good understanding of how a woman feels, I think he is right on actually.


I am sure you got the point already but I am going to say it again, you would read those emails and one day you "forgot to delete" one and she found it, to delete it without reading it was the right thing to do to avoid temptation, to delete it AFTER reading even without replying it is simply hiding those emails in a way, to show them to her was just savoring the drama. Just something to consider for when you find the right lady.


Oh and to say Julie was a pain it is no excuse, it is so easy to get rid of people on the internet, the woman is in another country and with no means of showing up at your doorstep after all! sorry if I am harsh but I think the only reason you were not able to get her out of your life is because deep down you didn't wanted to, it is not about you not loving your wife, it is the satisfaction of having an attractive woman begging for your attention so desperately.

I understand your comment.
 First, she found files I didn't know I had anymore in my computer. If I knew they were there I would have deleted them.  Second, I don't need to keep "pretty girls" emails, I dated pretty girls in America. Third and last , no matter what assumption I have of my wife or insecurities I may harbor does not give me the right to assault her and vise versa. That's straight disrespect. I seen pics of here dancing and hugged with male friends too on her flashdrive. If I haul off and sock her in her face I would go to jail, trump up domestic violence charges and hung out to dry as a wife-beater. Plus IMBRA would have their way with me. Man or women, no person should be hitting no one for ANY reason. You can't justify that. I would respect her leaving me rather than punching me.

[InnocentVixen]

no matter what assumption I have of my wife or insecurities I may harbor does not give me the right to assault her and vise versa.

I doubt anyone disagrees with that, specially me who a few years ago found myself in a relationship where the guy was becoming abusive, I walked out of that relationship fast enough to not even to be tempted to slap him or he me.


As for your first point "search and you shall find" it can happen to anyone, like I said before if she had been reasonable and noticed the date it shouldn't have been a problem.


Second point... of course you don't need to, you don't really "need to" go outside your country for a wife either. I was just referring to Julie and made a generalization because I know there must be plenty of guys that end up in a similar situation.