Got any last minute advice before I head down Costa Rica way?

[pablito]

Well, in just over one week I'll be in Costa Rica with my Tica. 


This is a one woman visit, to someone I haven't met in person but whom I've been Skyping with almost daily for three months, and with whom I have more in common than I would have thought possible, period, never mind with someone from another culture.  I mean I wouldn't expect an Englishwoman to have a copy of Ivanhoe handy these days, or the complete works of Shakespeare, but she does. 


A bit about me.  I'm a 40 year old Canadian, divorced (7 years), full custody of a 12 year old girl and 8 year old boy.  In my pre-kid years I've lived and worked in Mexico and Thailand, and my Spanish isn't what it was (which was good) but it's a lot better after 200+ hours of recent practice.  I'm a middle-manager in the Canadian civil service and haven't travelled internationally since before 9/11.


A bit about her.  She's 41, mother of two (20 year old girl and 18 year old boy), divorced for seven years, full-time kindergarten teacher in the public school system.  She owns her house, car, her oldest is at Uni and the youngest is starting soon, and when she was younger was a runner-up for Miss Costa Rica International.  She is still very attractive, and at 5'7" and 135 pounds still in fine shape.  I'm 5'10" and 185 pounds, and keep in decent shape doing Muay Thai.  Getting to know her has been absolutely wonderful, she's intellegent, responsible, playful and very feminine.  There has been exactly zero drama, through technical and communications problems to my kids waking up at night and interrupting us.  In fact she's great to talk to about the kids, she's full of compassion and good advice.   And she doesn't want anymore of her own, but I think she'll be happy when she has grandkids.


Anyways, she's found a place near the University in a good part of town that rents furnished apartments by the week, clean but not luxurious, that we're going to rent for the two weeks I'm there.   This is one very good sign, she mentioned that while she's not looking to stay in a dive, there's nothing wrong with not wasting money on accomodations.  Plus having a kitchen is good, there will be some cooking going on, an important part of the puzzle for us both.  Since she has a car and grew up in San Jose getting around town or going on day trips is not a problem, and with the money I'm saving on accomodations with the apartment, it's no biggie if we go out of town for a few days and need to stay at a hotel.


I'm planning on enjoying her company and getting to know her for most of the trip, and then towards the end assuming things go well it'll be time to discuss next steps during the last few days.  My idea is to suggest bringing the kids into it, as mine especially will be part of the equation given their age.  My suggestion would be to bring them to CR for their March break, have her meet us at the beach, maybe with her kids (her daughter studies English and music, I think my daughter would really find her cool), so that they can get used to her in a relaxed environment and she's at her best on her home turf.  Alternatively (or in addition), her next school break is in June, and given her situation I expect her to be able to get a tourist visa to Canada, and would have her come her to get to see where we live, and then go on from there.


Any thoughts, advice, gentlemen?

[z_k_g]

Pabilto,

Good luck on your journey.

My sweetie is from the Philippines, so I have no experience with Ticas specifically, but have dated many Lantinas, here in the states.

My advice:

1. On your trip continue to build your relationship with her.
2. Meet her children, friends and family and just sit back and observe, you will get a true picture of your novia, one that is uncensored and raw.
3. Keep the kids out until maybe a 3rd trip or so or until she comes to Canada. Kids can really confuse the issues and sometimes delay and impede difficult decision making.
4. Don't get her pregnant.
5. Make sure her child rearing styles compliment yours.  Test your interactions with her children and when (and if) she visits Canada do likewise with hers.  See if she allow you to be the new "daddy" to her children.  That's an important dynamic.
6. Be honest with her and expect likewise.  Now is the time for full disclosure.

You sound pretty damn lucky to have found a high quality potential life mate who just happens to be a beauty queen.

Keep us posted and give us a detailed trip report!

Zulu

[robert angel]

While you should certainly have some 'private time'--dates, etc to yourselves, once you've decided you have serious intentions towards one another (and it sounds like that's happening already), I'd get the kids involved ASAP. No, I don't remotely mean announcing that 'Hey--we're REALLY thinking of getting married", but in a natural, matter of fact way, getting to know one another. When remarrying, the kids themselves and differences in child raising standards--perspectives, can be among the most, if not THE most difficult parts of making a marriage really work, and I speak from experience there.
I'd advise getting a feel for the situation as objectively as possible, showing less and less reserve and opening up with the children more when it appears that things are going well. Her kids are older, but I remember one lady I was seriously involved with who had a younger child. Ultimately it didn't work out and all of us were hurt from the experience and I wish now the child (who was sort of thrust upon me) didn't take so strongly to me as a 'father figure'. Yes, we needed to all get to know one another from almost the start, but I let things progress too fast w/o watching for some 'concerns' that later became red flags.
 
It sounds like you both are compatible and realy a nice match for each other. She must be quite intelligent and aware as she could possibly be about climate and cultural differences involved in moving north. It sounds quite promising, even though it's only been a few months. Best wishes!!

[z_k_g]

While you should certainly have some 'private time'--dates, etc to yourselves, once you've decided you have serious intentions towards one another (and it sounds like that's happening already), I'd get the kids involved ASAP. No, I don't remotely mean announcing that 'Hey--we're REALLY thinking of getting married", but in a natural, matter of fact way, getting to know one another. When remarrying, the kids themselves and differences in child raising standards--perspectives, can be among the most, if not THE most difficult parts of making a marriage really work, and I speak from experience there.

Robert,

This advice is not consistent with anything that I have experienced in raising children.

You never bring young children into a new situation for any reasons until you have 100% vetted everyone involved, especially when dating.  Children are to be kept in stable consistent environments and with the younger children, you should be even more diligent. 

Are you are suggesting that if you have serious intentions with every women that your child(ren) meet all of the new possible mothers and their children ASAP? 

You may have several women that are "serious", but, these are women you don't know anything about.  I would NOT be using my children to test anyone.

From my perspective, its not a question of "If you have serious intentions" toward the mother or not.  Of course you have to meet and acquaint yourself with the mother, but YOU need to acquaint yourself with her children for as long as you can and learn their personalities also WITHOUT your children being involved. 

Having them come during your initial visit would not allow enough time to do your homework in my opinion.

The mother may be fantastic but there may be some serious issues with them that you may deem to be unacceptable and reason to end the relationship.

In my opinion he should spend quality time with his woman, her children, family and friends, without his children involved.

Then go back home and debrief and really think about the possibilities, issues and concerns.  Discuss any issues and get clarifications and then if all is workable, move forward for her to visit in Canada to evaluate his younger children, family etc and watch her interactions with his kids.

Zulu

[JimD]

I enjoyed Vladimir Nabokof's novel a lot. So you've seen pictures of the twenty year old?
A word to the wise: in Colombia single/divorced women in their forties typicallycome with a lot of debt which they expect their new gringo beau to take care of. 
 

[Bob_S]

I enjoyed Vladimir Nabokof's novel a lot. So you've seen pictures of the twenty year old?

While I'm not saying that was also the first thing that crossed my mind, it was a close runner up. 

[robert angel]

Pablito,
 
To avoid having my earlier post misconstrued I think a look at my first sentence in my prior post is useful:

 
>>While you should certainly have some 'private time'--dates, etc to yourselves, once you've decided you have serious intentions towards one another (and it sounds like that's happening already), I'd get the kids involved ASAP<<

 
My two sons weren't much different in age than your children are now when I got truly serious (as in after serious in person to person contact has occurred) with my current wife. Only then did I bring them into the picture.

 
I had known my now wife for years before that happened, but we were friends, who were seeing other people and we were honestly sharing  our various failed relationships with others as we became friends.
 
I even flew to the Philippines to be with another woman who I thought had potential, but I never even told my children that my purpose for that three week trip was to be with that one woman. I merely told them I was going on a vacation, while they were going on one with their Mother--my exwife.

 
A while after that, things with my now wife took a wonderful turn, as what seemed to be a bittersweet disapointment proved instead to be the proverbial "blessing in disguise".

 
I wasn't sure yet before I made the failed trip if the woman I was then flying to see was 'matronial & step Mother material'  for my children and I. She was the one I mentioned in my only other post on this thread, a lady with a young son she aggressively brought into the picture early on, which along with her fiery temper, proved our undoing.

 
Several years actually went by after my divorce, where I dated American women and cultivated on-line relationships overseas, including a few that got pretty 'heavy'. But with none of the women, from my home town, all the way to Russia and Asia, did I ever bring my children into the picture. I had to be much more certain she was 'the one' first. Even then, all bets were off until I was sure it was a good fit for my children.

 
I kept the kids out of my dating life, as I did not want them to see me with different women, lest they get the impression that seeing various women come and go from my life (really our lives) and household was a healthy thing.

 
There were times when keeping my private life of cultivating relationships on-line and dating in real life in our small city was difficult, but my divorce created enough emotional devastation that I was determined to not let my kids down again.Some women really wanted to meet my kids, but I refused. I did not want to show them any dysfunctionality--no examples other than that a man and woman could have a long lasting relationship based on communication, love and respect.

 
Thankfully, we're going on seven years of that now. No, it hasn't been all  perfect--nothing really is. Relationships, especially when blending families, require work, even concessions and comprimises at times.  My older son was initially very postive, but then, as 13 y/o boys are known to do, he alternatingly began changing his mind and being a pain, accusing me of trying to "Replace his Mother". Counseling, time and my wife's inate goodness and patience helped that!

 
As indicated, I was intent on not bringing my kids into the picture until I was serious--maybe I should have said VERY serious, but I think I made my point clear enough for most people here.

 
Once (and only after)  I met my now wife in person and observed her socially, with friends, family and importantly all the kids in her village (who by and large were relatives anyway) di I realize that this woman was the 'real deal' --I had seen firsthand that as the eldest female sibling in a large family, that she had wisdom beyond her years in handling kids--including boys!

 
There's no doubt that it was hard sometimes (and sometimes still is) for my wife to accept and understand that American kids are (generally speaking) so very different than the kids back home, but they have bonded.

 
My wife my children's step Mother, has made what was once a house full of three guys from a 'man cave' littered with paper plates, pop tarts, pizza boxes and other 'guy debris', into a warm and inviting home, with live plants, great cooking, lots of love---even curtains on the windows! She has been able to help them with high level Math and Science school homework in ways I never could. She has carefully created distinct, respectful roles and boundaries between the boy's natural mother and herself.

 
To insinuate that I would use my kids to test women, ie:

 
>> I would NOT be using my children to test anyone.<<
 
Well, personally I find that as insulting as I find the following quote from the same post totally off base:

 
>>Having them come during your initial visit would not allow enough time to do your homework in my opinion.<<
 
As I said, ONLY after you've come to the realization that you SERIOUSLY want to marry this woman, should you get the kids involved gradually, but nonetheless I feel that you should ease everyone into each other's lives ASAP to see if it's an ideal fit for all of you, once you feel, based on your solo trip/s that it is.
 
I felt it was self explanatory that's AFTER you met her--that you weren't planning on packing up the kids and bringing them along on this trip to Costa Rica. Of course, most of us already knew that. And of course, as you said and as I noted, it's only been a few months that you've known her...

 
I feel a bit silly explaining all this, because you seem very intelligent and not the type to do something hasty or read things the wrong way. You, in my opinion, wisely decided to solicit advice and while members here have been kind enough to furnish it, I did not want someone to misconstrue for anyone else the messages as I truely meant for them to be conveyed.

 
Again, good luck and best wishes--it should be a wonderful place to visit in the midst of a Canadian winter and she sounds like a very nice lady!
 
"Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread"

[pablito]

Hi guys, thanks for the comments.

z_k_g:

1) Agreed that's what it's for.
2) We won't be spending much time around her family.  Her kids know about me, have teased her about me while we're Skyping (she has never referred to me me as her novio, but her daughter has), as does her mom, but I don't think she's quite ready to let dad know until things are more serious.  I expect to at least meet her kids once or twice, but for the both of us the trip's about 1) previously mentioned.
4) That's a big 10-4 good buddy.  I am NOT doing that again.
5) We often talk a lot about children, because hers are older now and wanting to be all independent, she's in the reminiscing phase of when they were younger and cuter.  We seem pretty sympatico here.  Given that this comes from talking, the important bit now is to make sure that we're together to make sure that we're still on the same wavelength when doing.  This is the basic issue at play, to meet and make sure that everything works out in person when we're together as it does when we're talking.  Given her children's ages, I am not looking to be a daddy figure in anyone's mind that I can tell.  Their dad lives in another province and hasn't been involved in a day-to-day basis with them, but he's not cut off from them or abondoned them. 
6) That's why this has gone so well, I've never been involved with someone I can just be frank and honest about (note not insensitive) and be completely unafraid of her crapping on me, and she feels the same way.  I mean the number of times I've shared something that turns out to be special to her for some personal reason has just been freaky, and has really helped her bond with me, I think.  How many Latinas have been moved almost to tears hearing Auld Lang Syne on the pipes and drums in your collective experiences?

I've left 3), the kids, till last, to bring in Rob's points and your discussion.

Here's my thinking with respect to the kids.  She's not some 30 something with baby rabies; she's in a very good place right now, kids getting ready to leave the nest, time for her to look out for her own needs, the early e-mails where she just exuded peace, tranquility and low-maintenance were what really caused me to twig that there might be something here.   I'm not quite there yet, but I'd be 50 by the time my kids are that age and I don't want to wait that long.  But we're both mature adults, both seem to know where we are and where we want to go, I think that thing can move along a bit faster than if I was dealing with a younger women who was constantly putting out [snip]-tests, creating drama, etc.

Also, because of my kids, I can't just go off at the drop of a hat on my own.  I don't have the option of many trips, I have to make them all count.  We have talked for well over 200 hours together, about everything from politics to religion to childhood, and since she does most of the talking, I know a heck of a lot about her.  There are obviously some things you can only learn by being with someone, but mostly this trip is about confirming what we know and how we feel rather than learning.  I believe that if we get along as well, or even half as well, in person for two weeks as we have for the past four months, it's time for me to bring in the kids because that's the next make it or break it thing.  And in the seven years since their mom, I have never introduced them to any woman I've dated because it wasn't time.  Not that there have been that many of them.

It is of course possible that I decide we want to continue getting to know each other, and that it's still not time to bring the kids into it until after another trip.  I do believe that there is a good chance that things will go well and I don't see much point in dilly-dallying for the sake of dilly-dallying, but I am also mindful that things might not go as expected and I might have to modify my approach. 

Jim, if you mean her daughter, sure, we're Facebook friends.  Not that we ever chat or anything, she just friended me to check up on the old fart chasing after her mom.

Jim/Bob, that's a possibility of course, but from our conversations her house is paid up as are her and her daughter's car.  Maybe it's a culural/legal difference between Colombia and Costa Rica, or just individual circumstance, but I do believe she's probably received a decent amount of support or a good settlement from her ex due to the kids, although she didn't say and I'm not going to ask.  It's a moot point in a sense, because that's the kind of documentation she'd have to provide when applying for a visitor's visa to Canada, so any unpleasant surprises of that nature should come to light well before any point of no return.

[z_k_g]

Robert,

Now I fully understand your ASAP statement and somewhat agree your followup clarifications.

I didn't attack you, insult you and accuse you of being a relationship expert. 

I simply questioned what you said and respectfully offered my opinion about it.

Cease and desist dude.

Zulu

[robert angel]

Robert,

Now I fully understand your ASAP statement and somewhat agree your followup clarifications.

I didn't attack you, insult you and accuse you of being a relationship expert. 

I simply questioned what you said and respectfully offered my opinion about it.

Cease and desist dude.

Zulu

Zulu:
And peace be with you also!

[Bob_S]

That's good, guys.  Please stay constructive and talk to the subject.


Jim, I don't think he got our literary reference, but that's probably just as well.

[thekfc]

    Bob here are 2 emoticon that would be useful to you.