Why did your relationship succeed or fail?

[OrlandoGringo]

I anticipate my fiance to be here (providing the interview goes well) in a couple of weeks.  By the way, she is going on 7 months pregnant and, yes, it (she) is mine.      Anyway, my fiance will bring her four year-old daughter to join my eight year-old son (for whom I share time/responsibility) and I.
 
We both look forward to lots of family fun, cooking together, watching movies, going places and lots of sex!          We're both Catholic and will make it a point to go to church every week.  For her this is the norm but for me this will be different as I've been a twice-a-year-Catholic for a while now (Easter & Christmas).  I would like that we pray together and say prayer at meals.  I think our sharing our relationship with God is very important and will strengthen our union.  Most importantly I want complete and total honesty with one-another in all things. 
 
For those that have already been there, what worked or didn't work for you and your new mate after the honeymoom was over and she (or he) got settled down with you in your new lives? 
 
My biggest concern is that she will be homesick.  However, although she and her daughter live with her parents, she has a strained relationship with her mother and so I don't believe she'll miss her too much.    

[V_Man]

For those that have already been there, what worked or didn't work for you and your new mate after the honeymoom was over and she (or he) got settled down with you in your new lives?

I realise this is almost an impossible question to answer but this is the thing that I wonder about most of all as well.

[Jeff S]

Homesickness WILL be an issue. We tend to think of how much better we have it here than over there, but the little things they're used to, the culture they were raised on and know no different will be gone and there will be a loss there. It'll be depressing for her for a while but she will get through it given time, understanding and emotional support. The first few months will be honeymoon, then the homesickness will come. Then after more months, maybe several years, she'll start to appreciate your home as her own. Everyone seems to go through a similar cycle, though to varying degrees, even coming from miserable third world conditions. 

[Alabamaboy!]

I think the most important thing is that both parties need to understand that this is the real relationship and everything that came before it was pretty much just a game. This is the real thing and that promising a bunch of things on MSN, hanging out together for a couple weeks at Rodadero, long romantic phone calls every night were nice, but not really meaningful.

Both parties need to know that the real love and respect only come from actions, not words. And that many times it is not easy. For some of us guys it is not such a hard thing, because just to initiate one of these relationships, it means that we must have had some level of success in life to afford all these trips, immigration issues, etc. And I doubt most of us inherited large sums of money or found it on the street somewhere. Most of us had to study and work hard to get to where we are now. But in Colombia, a lot of the people I met there had not really done a whole lot in their lives. They were all into the romantic, nice part of life if it came their way, but not too many of them were willing to really go after things to make their own reality. And most of the women were very affectionate and loving for the short term, but many came up quite short when it came to actual loving actions, sacrificing for love, the relationship, family, etc.

I think if both parties make up their minds that they are not going to take each other for granted, and that they are going to shower each other with loving actions, even though at times it is difficult or new for them to do so, then there is a great chance that the relationship will work. But if one or both want to be more like a spectator in the relationship and just take what is coming their way without reciprocating much, then it is going to sour the relationship sooner or later.

It is going to sound kind of gay but I keep saying that a loving relationship is like a beautiful garden. It does not just grow that way by accident. You have to plant the seeds, weed the plants, trim the plants, water them, give them shade or sunshine as needed. It is a lot of work. But the results can be incredibly good. If you just sit back and do nothing, it can turn out to be a big ugly mess in a short amount of time.

The other thing is communication. And it is more about what language you are speaking at the time. It is about if both parties are listening and understanding the meaning of the words being said by themselves and their partner. If there is a problem with communication it will affect everything, and most of the time negatively.

[Researcher]

   The biggest reason for me for failure: Choosing the wrong woman.

   The biggest reason for me for success: Choosing the right woman.

  What keeps it going so far? Patience has been a big factor. That and holding my tongue sometimes. hehehe!

    Yes, the homesickness is probably certain. It has been for my wife. The biggest cure so far has been a trip back to Colombia for a week. I think people tend to forget the negative aspects of thier life when they leave it.  A good visit usually puts things in perspective.


        Researcher

[Bob_S]

Homesickness:  In my experience, it sets in at about 3 months.  She reaches a point where she is past the Wide-Eyed Tourist phase and goes into the Settling In phase and truly realizes that everything is soooo different and strange and uncomfortable and why can't things be just like back home and the people are weird and I don't understand them even when I do understand them.  this Disillusionment phase can last anywhere from 3 months to a year while she adapts.  You may not notice she's adapting because you become so used to her grouchy I-Hate-It-Here attitude.  But YOU have to watch for it so you don't fly off the handle when it flares up from time to time, but with less frequency.  Just remember, YOU don't like your homeland 100% either or you would have married a local girl that grew up there with all of its influences.  You can help by allowing her to create an inner sanctuary of your home where she can be comfortable, with familiar comfort foods, literature, entertainment, and what have you.

This segues back into a topic started by Zon about the choice of person you decide to court and eventually bring home.  A younger person will adapt more quickly, while an older person will be more set in her ways and take longer to adapt.  But when they do finally adapt, that older person generally will be more appreciative of what is good about her new home and family.

[OrlandoGringo]

Hopefully we pick the "right" woman or it's all doomed before it even starts.  Chemistry and compatability are key but it's not till they arrive before one knows if it's going to work.  On my end I intend to put 100% effort into it.  I've spent a year and a half in a long-distance relationship with her.  I'm expended a small fortune on trips, etc.  I will do my very best for the relationship, unlike I did when I got married to my first Colombian back in 1997.  That one failed for one simple reason and that was because we were and are incompatible.  We had money, cars, trips and nice things and we were miserable.  But it taught me some very meaningful, life lessons.  Or so I hope!   

[Ray]

 
Homesickness:  This is not always a problem.
 
 
My first wife suffered from homesickness during the first 6 months off and on. My present wife NEVER had any issue with homesickness.
 
 
Buy her some prepaid phone cards to call home once or twice a week. DO NOT let her pick up your land line and dial the overseas number directly or you'll probably end up fighting over the $600 phone bills.
 
 
Simplest cure for homesickness... take her to Disneyland!
 
 
Ray
 
 

[OrlandoGringo]

Ray, I'm going to buy annual passes for all of us to the various Orlando Disney parks just as soon as our baby is born in March! 
 
As for phone calls, that's what Skype is for. It's one of the few things in life that is free. 

[InnocentVixen]

First of all please let me remind you guys that I've never been engaged or married so I probably don't know what I am talking about.

Whenever I hear homesickness will be an issue it makes me wonder if I am just cold, I am an only child and I love my family but even the first time that I was away from home I did not have that problem but then again I was in my own country even if I didn't know anyone in the city and I did get to go back home for a visit after the semester was over, so I guess it doesn't really count as a year away.


It's very nice news to hear that it's not always an issue, hopefully I'll be like that, but if it does I would certainly hope my husband will be wise enough to know it will pass, patient enough to put up with it and that he knows me well enough to know that I am easily distracted so it's easy to solve if only temporarily until that phase is over.


Thinking back on my trips the only times I've felt anxious and felt like I want to get out of there (not go home, just get out of there) has been in big cities (that I don't like that much to start with) in high-stress situations, alone. So having the person you plan to spend the rest of your life next to you and him being understanding probably makes a huge different no matter what.


PS. Alabama I really liked your garden example and I don't think it's gay

[OrlandoGringo]

Yes, Vixen, I too agree with Bama's analogy.  Nothing is free in life. 

[fschmidt]

In the long run, a woman's behavior is determined by her environment.  Women do not have an internal moral compass the way men do.  If you put the best woman in the world into mainstream American culture, she will become a vile bitch.  It may take a while, but it will happen.

To keep a woman sane, encourage her to spend time in good environments.  Churches can provide this if they are conservative.  Any church where women dress decently should be fine.  Catholicism was a reasonably good religion 20 years ago, but since then it has gone down the drain and become a liberal disaster.  I suggest that Catholics switch to Eastern Orthodox Christianity which is very similar but is still conservative.  Anabaptist Christianity, Orthodox Judaism, and Islam are also fine religions.

If possible, I recommend living in immigrant neighborhoods.  Almost any other culture is superior (for women) to American culture.  I have lived in a Chinese neighborhood and a Mexican neighborhood.  Both are fine.

I also recommend traveling abroad once in a while.  This can be to her country or anywhere else.  Traveling reinforces the fact that America is not normal.

I have been married for 21 years, so I must be doing something right.

[Jeff S]

Women do not have an internal moral compass the way men do.  If you put the best woman in the world into mainstream American culture, she will become a vile bitch.

This is one of the biggest pieces of pure, unadulterated caca, I've read on this board - and I've read a lot of caca here.


Allow me to be the first to ask. Have you put the best woman in the world into mainstream America and seen her become a vile bitch? Obviously not, since if she was the best woman in the world, she wouldn't have become one.

[thekfc]

Have anyone seen my stash of herbs? I think that someone is smoking them instead of using them for cooking. 

[fschmidt]

Here we go again.  I figure I should post here about twice a year just in case anyone with brains happens to be around.  I'll ignore the expected insults from the rest.

[Ray]

In the long run, a woman's behavior is determined by her environment.  Women do not have an internal moral compass the way men do.  If you put the best woman in the world into mainstream American culture, she will become a vile bitch.  It may take a while, but it will happen.

To keep a woman sane, encourage her to spend time in good environments.  Churches can provide this if they are conservative.  Any church where women dress decently should be fine.  Catholicism was a reasonably good religion 20 years ago, but since then it has gone down the drain and become a liberal disaster.  I suggest that Catholics switch to Eastern Orthodox Christianity which is very similar but is still conservative.  Anabaptist Christianity, Orthodox Judaism, and Islam are also fine religions.

If possible, I recommend living in immigrant neighborhoods.  Almost any other culture is superior (for women) to American culture.  I have lived in a Chinese neighborhood and a Mexican neighborhood.  Both are fine.

I also recommend traveling abroad once in a while.  This can be to her country or anywhere else.  Traveling reinforces the fact that America is not normal.

I have been married for 21 years, so I must be doing something right.

 

 
 
Yes folks, this is 100% pure COW SHYT...
 
 
 
 
 
 

[braziliangirl]

In the long run, a woman's behavior is determined by her environment.  Women do not have an internal moral compass the way men do.  If you put the best woman in the world into mainstream American culture, she will become a vile bitch.  It may take a while, but it will happen.

Fschmidt,

I agree with you that women are not at all like men. There are a lot of researches proving that. But where did you take the above statement from? Do you have any scientific evidence to support that or you say that just based on your observation?

[fschmidt]

I agree with you that women are not at all like men. There are a lot of researches proving that. But where did you take the above statement from? Do you have any scientific evidence to support that or you say that just based on your observation?

I don't see how science can really prove a statement like mine either way.  My statement is based on my observations.


Just be clear, my statement doesn't mean that women are worse than men, just different.  A bad woman can more easily be made good by changing her environment than a bad man can.  Most Americans, both men and women, are horrible.  America has recently developed an exceptionally repulsive culture.  But there are still some decent men in America and most of those will look for foreign wives because there are virtually no decent women in America.  I hope that any foreign women reading this understands that American men vary a lot and she should try to find a good one.

[JWR]

I just don't know about all that......
 
I sail with really nice American women every day that charter my boat.  They have nice families, nice husbands, and often wonderful children.  I've sailed with over 100,000 people on my boats over the years, and I can count the truly obnoxious American women on my fingers.
 
The only thing I really hate about American women is that the nice, attractive ones don't want to date guys 15 years older then them.  Go figure......  Hey wait a minute, I don't want to date women 15 years older then me either.....Guess that makes me a total a##hole to the older American women that want to date me.

[braziliangirl]

I don't see how science can really prove a statement like mine either way.  My statement is based on my observations.

So, man, it's not our fault that you married a woman with a weak personality.

I have seen the effects of different environments on my wife as we have moved to different places. 

[fschmidt]

So, man, it's not our fault that you married a woman with a weak personality.

It's not just my wife, it is all women that I know.

[robert angel]

It's not just my wife, it is all women that I know.

Perhaps--just 'maybe'---Meester Schmidt came from zeee Planet.....::::
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EPP3gkh_00

[braziliangirl]

I don't see how science can really prove a statement like mine either way.

Maybe you have never heard of social science...

This "a man is a product of his environment" discussion can be endless. The only acceptable theory is that the environment is just one of the many, many factors. And that applies to both genders.

Just be clear, my statement doesn't mean that women are worse than men, just different.

What would define a good person? Doesn't having "an internal moral compass" count to that definition?

just in case anyone with brains happens to be around.  I'll ignore the expected insults from the rest.

So, anyone who doesn't agree with a statement based solely on you observations doesn't have brains? How smart is that?!

One more question... Have you ever talked to your wife (or maybe your mother) about that? How did they react?

[thekfc]

It's not just my wife, it is all women that I know.

You previously said that you have no American women friends, no sisters or other female relatives.

You also said that you lived in a gay community - maybe all the women that you know are not actually women. 

[fschmidt]

[size=78%]Maybe you have never heard of social science...[/size]


This "a man is a product of his environment" discussion can be endless.

Which proves my point.

The only acceptable theory is that the environment is just one of the many, many factors. And that applies to both genders.

Yes many factors, but measuring them scientifically is hard.

What would define a good person? Doesn't having "an internal moral compass" count to that definition?

No it doesn't.  A good person behaves well.  This can come from "an internal moral compass" or a good environment, it doesn't matter.

So, anyone who doesn't agree with a statement based solely on you observations doesn't have brains? How smart is that?!

No, someone who simply dismisses what I say without consideration and responds with insults is a typical American idiot.  I respect intelligent disagreement.

One more question... Have you ever talked to your wife (or maybe your mother) about that? How did they react?

Yes, they didn't disagree.