Power, communication, perception

[JWR]

Ha ha ha.....Zulu!  You crack me up sometimes.  Your feathers are still obviously ruffled !  It's gonna be ok......
 
Not sure how my situation is similar to Bills but ok..........
 
So tell us about your plan with your Pinay if you will.  I want to hear about what's going on with you for a change.
 
You went on your 1st trip and spent 3 nice weeks with her.  When are you going back?  How long will you be in the Phils again on your next trip?  How many trips are you planning on taking before you pop the question if things keep going well?
 
Are you already filling out the papers?
 
Thanks for updating us.  I'm leaving Mon. morn. for 3 weeks over there.
 
 
 

[z_k_g]

JWR,

You are going to Cebu?

We talk every day for 3 to 5 hours depending on my work or her school assignments, nothing exciting really, just everyday stuff.   

I will be back in December (12/19 to 1/4 if my work schedule permits) for 2 weeks, we are going to Davao City.

My plan is to go there twice a year, I was there in April of this year, and I'll continue that until 2013 when she graduates.

We plan to marry after her graduation if all continues to go well...who knows.

Good luck on your trip.

[JWR]

I'm going to Manila, Gensan, Davao, and maybe Siargao island for a little surfing and hanging out on the beach.  After 4 months in Barranquilla, I vowed I would never go to a sh#t hole again for a date.......
 
We plan on getting married there in the 3rd week.  That's enough time right??    She speaks English so it will be the same as  getting to know a Colombiana for 3 years......
 
I do know how the hours can slip by when chatting, but 3-5 hours a day!  How long does it take for you to start recycling back through the old subjects?  That will be like 3000 hours of chatting before your gf gets here.  You know that's like 20 years of marriage ha ha ha.
 

JWR,

You are going to Cebu?

We talk every day for 3 to 5 hours depending on my work or her school assignments, nothing exciting really, just everyday stuff.   

I will be back in December (12/19 to 1/4 if my work schedule permits) for 2 weeks, we are going to Davao City.

My plan is to go there twice a year, I was there in April of this year, and I'll continue that until 2013 when she graduates.

We plan to marry after her graduation if all continues to go well...who knows.

Good luck on your trip.

[thekfc]

We plan on getting married there in the 3rd week.  That's enough time right??

Should be enough depending on location, type of wedding & how proactive you guys are with getting all the paperwork/requirements ready.

[JWR]

I was just kidding......
 
I've never even met my chat friend before.....
 
Thank for that.
 

Should be enough depending on location, type of wedding & how proactive you guys are with getting all the paperwork/requirements ready.

[z_k_g]

Sounds like a nice trip!
 
 Remember to keep a lot of 20 peso notes and use all your coins for the jeepney and trikes so you can get rid of them, they accumulate fast!!
 
 Also let your sweetie pay for everything, they will give her the pinay price.

I do know how the hours can slip by when chatting, but 3-5 hours a day!  How long does it take for you to start recycling back through the old subjects?  That will be like 3000 hours of chatting before your gf gets here.  You know that's like 20 years of marriage ha ha ha.

I bought my sweetie a TMobile LG Optimus T Android phone for $50 on craigslist, got it unlocked for $8 sent it via USPS $12 small box uninsured.

I preloaded all the apps here that she would need.

She spends about $50 (2000 pesos) per month on her globe tattoo data SIM and she is pretty much on yahoo messenger for android 24/7/265.  She has web browsing, email and facebook on her android phone so we can send and receive pics instantly and she can post on her Facebook from her phone. 

Our communication is real time.

Works great!

We chat all during the day from when she gets up around 6am until around 11am her time.  This translates into 6pm to 11pm my time, I sleep, then I get up around 9am and we chat till 11am which is 11pm her bedtime.

So its not continuous but its like many short conversations and its actually fun and engaging.  We haven't gotten bored in almost 2 years because every day is different and we relate a lot of details about whats going on, we send pictures immediately and sometimes I will call her just so she can hear my voice.

Also, we cam, using the same globe tattoo SIM, on her HP 210 Netbook, which she primarily uses for her school work.

A huge advantage to having a pinay sweetie is the common English language.  Plus pinays love American television, so they get the jokes, sarcasm, punchlines and understand most of the idioms so you don't have to spend hours explaining because they "get it".

Zulu

[fathertime]

Ok I'm going to try not to ramble.
20/20 is hindsight but here goes.
Stay fit and go to the gym.  I'm 6'2 190 but gained 30 lbs while married.
I wanted a kid, she hates kids.  Women who hate kids have something cold about them.
Should have gotten to know her better before marriage. 6 weeks was not enough.
Buy her the dam# motorcycle.  I  offered, but was worried she would kill herself and discouraged her.  She resented me for that.....
When her best friend comes to visit for months and is broke, keep your mouth shut about supporting her friend.  I made a stupid comment and regret that.
Take freakin tango lessons if she wants you to.
We went out alot, but still watched too much TV and internet. 
Don't make major life changes because she has trouble learning English and adjusting. (Like moving to Costa Rica)
Keep her away from the friends that are not totally accepting of your relationship. Especially the wives.
Try not to marry someone who has PTSD, and violence in her past.
Try to marry someone who comes from a loving family situation.
Hire a translator to come over at least once a week when she 1st gets here to clear up any misunderstandings that you may not even know exist.
Try to marry a forgiving person, who will allow you to make some small mistakes without filing them away to use later as a weapon.  Try to marry someone who can say "I'm sorry"
Should have had sex before we were married.  Big mistake.  We just don't fit that well.  Big mistake.
Try marriage counseling when things start going bad.
Assume she is changing before your very eyes if she's in her 20s.  You may not like the changes.
Never take her for granted and don't assume that this will last forever.
Do not underestimate how bad it will be for you, if you break up, so go slow.  It's easier to get in, then get out with your sanity.  Accept that this is exceedingly risky in the best of circumstances.  You can do many right things, and be a good person, and it still may not work out.
 
She's a good person.

 


Thanks JWR for talking about these errors you made along the way, it was in no way a ramble.   I can you see you did make some mistakes in the selection process and maybe you were pretty much doomed from the start.  Based on your experience, it would appear that a good man with fine intentions will oftentimes not be able to overcome a mismatch in family goals like it appears you and your ex wife had.  This reinforces that the man be very upfront about what he wants and move on to other women if the woman he is with doesn't have goals that are at least fairly similar. 


The body parts not fitting issue is also one that I feel for me, pretty much has to be figured about before I would take things too far, but I suppose if everything else matched up so well, and a woman wasn't interested in sexual relations before marriage , I MIGHT make an exception, but there are risks in doing that as was evidenced by your situation.


When you post about your 10 year marriage, it is very helpful and helps me think about things I normally wouldn't think about.


  It appears to me that you were a good husband and could recreate a good life for yourself and a lady so long as the family goals are similar.

Fathertime! 

[fathertime]

Interesting points!   I have noticed that while members here are very transparent finding a wife / girl friend, they CLAM UP once they become married     Perhaps it is natural ...

WOW TIGER!  Are we leaving a little out of the story?

Then further I read that you knew your wife for less than 6 seeks, never had a physical relationship, ect...    I want to ask anyone who would do this:  WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?   You brought a complete stranger into the center of your life!   That is one of the only strong and constant criticisms I maintain with almost everybody - It Takes Time To Honestly KNOW A Person. (I would say a minimum of 60 - 90 days together; MINIMUM.  If you fail to do that, you are playing "Let's Make A Deal", and simply guessing what's behind door #1, 2, or 3.)

Researcher, I think you are absolutely right.  There is something human, call it a connection.   Once you have this with a person, truly, AT LEAST you are operating on the same page as human beings.

Why do you feel you are in the position to criticize when you have been unable to muster up any sort of 'honest' relationship in all your years of foreign travel and extended stays?  I know many people who took years to 'honestly' get to know a person and the marriage fell flat on it's face anyway.  Many of us are not adverse to taking our chances and choose to sacrifice months of actual face time with webcam time and some face time, because of commitments here in the states. 


You are still in a position of rudimentary learning and it would be wiser to recognize your own ignorance in these matters, until you at least are able to put together a relationship of some significance.   You should be more concerned about YOU rather than what everybody else is doing 'wrong'.


Fathertime!