Latina's attitude to men with children?

[pablito]

I was just wondering if anyone had knowledge of how latinas view a guy who already has kids, generally speaking or specific examples if you have any.  I've been alone for almost 7 years with mine (girl 11, boy 7) full time, 24/7, so there's no getting around them.  Obviously when looking at starting/maintaining a relationship, never mind an inter-cultural one, kids are an added complication, but are there any significant differences as to how this would affect things with a lativa vs. a norteamericana, positively and/or negatively?  Any particular advice for a guy in my situation?


Now, I know that this generally screams Mr. responsible, and so I can understand why the single mom's would go for that, some here do as well, but perhaps especially down there given the reputation for reliability a lot of the men-folk down there seem to have.  Those girls I understand well enough, I think.


So I'm mostly interested in how this would affect a girl with no kids, say one between 30-40 which is my general target range.  If even half, heck a quarter or a tenth, of the stories I've heard about how unreliable/unfaithful the latin guys tend to be, then I could see that some girls with no kids might look at Mr. responsible as being a positive as well.  At least if they're wanting kids they could be reasonably sure I'd be therefor them. 


But I wonder if it also makes me more of a target in some way, might be some cultural or other reason that might make them think I'd be an easier catch or something because they might think I'm more desperate, since I'm guessing most latin guys aren't that well-equipped to be raising a kid on their own.


Thanks,


Paul

[InnocentVixen]

You are right to guess that women with children will be all over you, after all it is easier to adapt to someone else kids if you already know what is like to be a father, but that doesn't mean that the single with no kids will avoid you, the party girls might, but you are probably not looking someone like them anyways.


There is something about a man that embraces fatherhood that makes a family oriented woman melt... this of course does not apply if you happen to have one children from almost each girlfriend you've ever had and never been married or rarely see them, that just screams irresponsible player.


I just read your post in icebreakers... if one of your 2 kids was born out of marriage it is important the girls know that you tried to make things work so they don't get the wrong idea, if you have divorced more than once it is also important they know you are not looking for wife #x and that you see marriage as something that lasts for a lifetime.


In your case since you have them full time the first reaction will be surprise, that is very rare down here unless you are a widow and even widows often take kids to their grandparents for raising, they will be curious about where the mother is and why doesn't she spend time with her children, it will most likely sound unnatural to them but I can't imagine it being a problem, perhaps she will become a bit more overprotective of the kids depending on the situation.


I tend to go for men with kids and one of the first questions I ask when I am getting to know them is about how do the kids feel about their father dating, also I would recommend you not to rush the relationship by letting them talk to her before you are sure you will get in a serious relationship with the lady, it is very easy to get attached, focus on you and her at the start, your kids are a big part of your life and of course the subject will come up, but if you don't talk about anything else it will sound like you are indeed desperate looking for a mother to your children and not a wife.


Best of luck~

[Alabamaboy!]

I have 2 kids also and have never met a Colombiana who did not LOVE the idea of being with me and the kids. They love to see me doing things with the kids and that I am a.good dad. One problem I had dating girls from US and Mexico was that the majority looked at the situation negatively, but in Colombia I never have experienced this. Costenas especially seem to love kids. Any kids. All kids. That was one of the biggest turn-ons to me seeing how loving they r with the kids.

[pablito]

Great, thanks for the replies, I've searched on the subject and never found anything, I'm glad to have your perspectives.


And yes InnocentVixen, in the few cases so far where I've explained my family situation, it's taken more than one e-mail to explain the situation to their satisfaction, although it's a very simple one.  They sure asked a number of questions though, which were pretty much along the lines you described.  They seemed almost perplexed, but so far it hasn't turned anyone off. 


Thanks Alabamaboy, that has largely my experience as well with women here.  Looking at a single dad as a negative thing is not universal, but I find even some single moms here don't want a single dad.  My impression is that's often because it means less time/money for them. 

[JimD]

The one poster one would expect to hear from on this question, utopia cowboy appears to be absent without leave.

[jvoorhees]

As a father of 4, I glad to hear that women see an involved father as a good thing.  I have found so much the opposite of in the US.
 
My situation is a little more complicated.  The youngest of my children is not biologically mine.  My ex-wife had a child to another man during our marriage.  (hence the divorce).  But I have always raised her and treated her as my own.  I take her with the others when I have the kids (weekends plus 3 nights a week).  And I always take her on vacations when I take the kids to Disney or other places.
 
I head down to Colombia in less than two weeks for the first time.  I was planning on bring pictures of all four kids and describing them all as mine.  As I do to everyone.
 
But the question I have burning in my mind lately is when do I qualify that she is not biologically mine and explain the history?  Would it be best in the introduction meetings?  Or maybe after a first or second date?  Or maybe only after knowing someone for a while?
 
Would this be seen by Colombian woman as a postive thing?  Negative?  Or non-issue?

[Kiltboy1]

My first wife from Cali never cared at all for my daughter and saw her as an obstacle to my affection. My current and hopefully last wife gets along very well with my daughter. They have a girlie type of friendship. I would not call it extremely affectionate, but they have good respect for each other. My advice is to not choose a woman who even before she knows your children demonstrates selfishness on any level. I found this a lot in Colombian women, especially those from the interior. Last thing you want to do is damage a child that already most likely feels a little insecure  of the breakup of you and there mother.
 
KB

[benjio]

As a father of 4, I glad to hear that women see an involved father as a good thing.  I have found so much the opposite of in the US.
 
My situation is a little more complicated.  The youngest of my children is not biologically mine.  My ex-wife had a child to another man during our marriage.  (hence the divorce).  But I have always raised her and treated her as my own.  I take her with the others when I have the kids (weekends plus 3 nights a week).  And I always take her on vacations when I take the kids to Disney or other places.
 
I head down to Colombia in less than two weeks for the first time.  I was planning on bring pictures of all four kids and describing them all as mine.  As I do to everyone.
 
But the question I have burning in my mind lately is when do I qualify that she is not biologically mine and explain the history?  Would it be best in the introduction meetings?  Or maybe after a first or second date?  Or maybe only after knowing someone for a while?
 
Would this be seen by Colombian woman as a postive thing?  Negative?  Or non-issue?

JVoorhees,
 
Man, I have the utmost respect for you helping to raise a daughter that was born as a result of an adulterous affair by your ex-wife. I'm being completely honest with you and myself when I say I'm 99.9% sure I could not act as maturely in the same situation. My wife, and her child from another man would have been completely removed from my life as if they didn't exist. In those circumstances I don't even see how a judge would entertain any conditions of custody brought forth on her behalf.
 
With that being said, I'd definitely save that information for the women you decide to get serious about. It's not even worth mentioning during the casual dating phase. I think you saying you have four children is specific enough initially.
 
 

[Alabamaboy!]

As a father of 4, I glad to hear that women see an involved father as a good thing.  I have found so much the opposite of in the US.
 
My situation is a little more complicated.  The youngest of my children is not biologically mine.  My ex-wife had a child to another man during our marriage.  (hence the divorce).  But I have always raised her and treated her as my own.  I take her with the others when I have the kids (weekends plus 3 nights a week).  And I always take her on vacations when I take the kids to Disney or other places.
 
I head down to Colombia in less than two weeks for the first time.  I was planning on bring pictures of all four kids and describing them all as mine.  As I do to everyone.
 
But the question I have burning in my mind lately is when do I qualify that she is not biologically mine and explain the history?  Would it be best in the introduction meetings?  Or maybe after a first or second date?  Or maybe only after knowing someone for a while?
 
Would this be seen by Colombian woman as a postive thing?  Negative?  Or non-issue?

I would think it is not necessary to complicate things by telling her all that at the outset. I take it she is legally your daughter now, so that is what she is. Believe me you will see some crazy things down in Colombia if you date enough women. My father in law had kids to other women at the same time he had kids with my mother in law. But those kids come to my in laws house and stay for days at a time, and everyone accepts it and thinks it is normal. So at times there are 3, 23 year old "sisters" from different mothers staying in the house at the same time, all being polite, having a good time, cooking together, etc. So your story will be a piece of cake compared to all that. I saw similar things going on in the families of other women I met.

And this type of thing is not just limited to Colombians. My ex wife is Filipina. During one of my trips there I noticed a new little girl in the family much younger than the rest of my wife's siblings. I asked who it is, and she said "it is my new sister". I asked where she came from. She told me that one of the uncle's lives in a horrible, crowded barrio in Manila and each time they would go there for a visit they would see this little sickly street urchin begging for food, eating out of garbage cans, getting skinnier and skinnier, basically dying in front of their eyes. When they asked her where her parents are, she said she did not know. She was just abandoned in the streets. So my ex in-laws just scooped her up one day and took her home. And from that point on was part of the family and now lives a pretty good life in comparison. And they just did not bring her in and treat her as an outsider. They brought her in and treated her like a real part of the family. So your story would be small potatoes compared to things like that.

[Micky]

JV -

Very good on you for being a REAL man and stepping up as you have.  I am with BenJ on this,  I do not know if I could that,  I hope that I would,  but for sure a hard one.  Whether a man with kids,  or a women with kids,  I do say that either way one must willing (happily)  to go all in or do not go at all.  Kids with one parent in the picture have already been crapped on in some form,  through no fault of their own and should not have to pay for adults stepping in it.
I am also going with AB here,  there is no need to get into the details of what happened up front. Explaining the mechanics of that would be super difficult,  given language barriers and other factors.  Meet women as if you were single,  just looking for "good"  women,  without extra complications.  The topic of children will happen soon enough in the beginning for you to have an idea of where that would go.  The best to you in your endeavor.

Micky

[benjio]

...Believe me you will see some crazy things down in Colombia if you date enough women. My father in law had kids to other women at the same time he had kids with my mother in law. But those kids come to my in laws house and stay for days at a time, and everyone accepts it and thinks it is normal. So at times there are 3, 23 year old "sisters" from different mothers staying in the house at the same time, all being polite, having a good time, cooking together, etc. So your story will be a piece of cake compared to all that. I saw similar things going on in the families of other women I met.

I'm beginning to think this is pretty normal in Costenoland. I've found it difficult to find a man that only has a family with one woman. Out of all the Colombianos I know in Barranquilla, I can't think of one under the age of 30 that only has children with one woman...and even the younger guys are working very diligently to get that second family started.

And this type of thing is not just limited to Colombians. My ex wife is Filipina. During one of my trips there I noticed a new little girl in the family much younger than the rest of my wife's siblings. I asked who it is, and she said "it is my new sister". I asked where she came from. She told me that one of the uncle's lives in a horrible, crowded barrio in Manila and each time they would go there for a visit they would see this little sickly street urchin begging for food, eating out of garbage cans, getting skinnier and skinnier, basically dying in front of their eyes. When they asked her where her parents are, she said she did not know. She was just abandoned in the streets. So my ex in-laws just scooped her up one day and took her home. And from that point on was part of the family and now lives a pretty good life in comparison. And they just did not bring her in and treat her as an outsider. They brought her in and treated her like a real part of the family. So your story would be small potatoes compared to things like that.

There's a little girl name Luisa that wanders the streets of El Bosque in Barranquilla. She's about 5 or 6. Everyone in the neighborhood knows her. I actually thought she had a family until I was outside drinking one night with my ex's cousins after 2 a.m. and saw her wandering the streets. I couldn't believe my eyes. Sobered up immediately. When I asked her why she was walking around so late, she told me she hadn't eaten and was looking for food. I asked my ex's cousins what was up with her and they told me her mother is pretty much the neighborhood whore. She didn't really have a place to live, but just screwed any guy that gave her a bed and a meal for the night. Luisa was lucky when there was enough food left over for her. Against my ex's family's wishes, I let Luisa sleep at their place that night and bought her some cookies and milk (all I could find at 2 a.m. in El Bosque). The next day I came back and asked around to figure out where her mother was. When I finally found out I took Luisa by this guy's place where she was staying about five blocks away. It didn't dawn on me until I started walking and everyone started staring, but I was doing something very dangerous. When I finally got to the guys house I lectured Luisa's mother about taking better care of her daughter. Probably the best Spanish I've ever spoken in my life, because I was so damn upset. After my 10 minute rant she admitted she didn't have the means to take care of her, and asked me did I want to buy her for $1 Million Pesos. You read correctly, $1,000,000 FREAKING PESOS!!!! I dreaded leaving after that trip because I knew nothing would change about Luisa's situation. Everytime I find myself in Barranquilla I'll find her and we'll go and have lunch together at one of the neighborhood soup stands. The bad thing is the kid is pretty sharp. Can't read or write a letter, but knows how to count money with the best of them. Last I heard the people in the neighborhood caught some guy molesting her late one night and called the police. They have yet to find him as he hasn't returned to the barrio. I wanted to start some sort of fund for her education but when I ask does she want to study, she always replies, "what do I need school for?"
 
Pass the agencies, beautiful women, and vacationing, that's the real Colombia...and I've seen it all.

[raycjs]

i have never met a women in Colombia that had a problem with me having 2 daughters and my present girl loves my daughters and has no issues at all.
 
 
 
 
Ray

[fathertime]

   Obviously when looking at starting/maintaining a relationship, never mind an inter-cultural one, kids are an added complication, but are there any significant differences as to how this would affect things with a lativa vs. a norteamericana, positively and/or negatively?   

Paul

Generally speaking, I think having prior children will be a negative for the single/childless ladies you are dating.  There are lots of exceptions though and the older you go the less this is a factor. 

Now, I know that this generally screams Mr. responsible, and so I can understand why the single mom's would go for that, some here do as well, but perhaps especially down there given the reputation for reliability a lot of the men-folk down there seem to have.  Those girls I understand well enough, I think.

Paul

It is likely you will be  thought of as a 'Mr Responsible'.  I think single mothers will look at the children as a positive. They like men with experience and evidence of being a good father so I think it will be a plus assuming you have a decent relationship with your children. 

But I wonder if it also makes me more of a target in some way, might be some cultural or other reason that might make them think I'd be an easier catch or something because they might think I'm more desperate, since I'm guessing most latin guys aren't that well-equipped to be raising a kid on their own.


Thanks,


Paul

Don't worry about being a "Target".  You are the one doing the shooting!  It does not matter what the ladies might think, you are in charge of your time and who you choose to spend it with. 


Fathertime! 

[InnocentVixen]

JV, I would not explain to every single girl you talk to the details, not because it is a bad thing but because it's a waste of time if you don't know if you are going to see that girl again or not! just show a picture of your kids including her and if things are going well you might want to mention she is your ex-wife daughter and that you see her as your own because you raised her, it's no big deal so no need to be writing emails and emails trying to explain!


It's so sad to hear about little Luisa, if she has already been molested at that age and the mother offered to sell it to you it will not take long for her to try to sell her in another way... Benjio I'm just glad you didn't get into trouble by trying to help her, a gringo walking around with a little girl at hand in the middle of the night, could have had given the wrong impression.

[benjio]

JV, I would not explain to every single girl you talk to the details, not because it is a bad thing but because it's a waste of time if you don't know if you are going to see that girl again or not! just show a picture of your kids including her and if things are going well you might want to mention she is your ex-wife daughter and that you see her as your own because you raised her, it's no big deal so no need to be writing emails and emails trying to explain!


It's so sad to hear about little Luisa, if she has already been molested at that age and the mother offered to sell it to you it will not take long for her to try to sell her in another way... Benjio I'm just glad you didn't get into trouble by trying to help her, a gringo walking around with a little girl at hand in the middle of the night, could have had given the wrong impression.

IV, I didn't walk Luisa over to the house where her mother was staying until the next morning. No amount of alchohol in this world would get me drunk enough to walk through Barrio El Bosque in the middle of the night. It was still extremely dangerous though. I was just so emotional and upset that little girl was living like that. My ex-girlfriend's family was livid when I returned. They thought someone had kidnapped me even though I was only gone about 45 minutes. I've take some chances in so called "Gringo No-Fly Zones" in Colombia and never had anything too serious happen to me. I still feel safer there than in my own neighborhood back home.
 
The saddest thing is I'm begin to realize during my travels is there are thousands of Luisas, all over Latin America.