The woes of using any IM service.

[beginthebeguin]

Was online this afternoon and saw that my novia was using MSN IM as well. We normally chat twice a day and the time she logged was our normal late day session. Well no response from her. Not unusual. She also chats with one of her sisters who has been married to gringo for 3 years and she has been living in the states at this time. But after a half an hour of no response from my lady, I also logged onto Yahoo IM and was able to get through and see her responses via Yahoo IM.
I normally don't have both IM services loaded and running at the same time, it causes problems. Yes, she obviously had been trying to get a response from me for at least 40 minutes, with no apparent response from me at her end of the connnection. But I was glad I logged on Yahoo IM as well. Because I could see her messages from her end using that and she was asking why I was online but did not respond to her. She was not pleading for a response but I could tell she was more that a bit concerned.
(for now I suspect a new version of Microsquish Live Tools that I had loaded the day before)
Anyway I could see that she was accusing me of chatting with someone else instead of chatting with her at our usual time. So after a few messages that I could see she logged off saying that she would return when I felt like chatting again, with instructions to send her an email as to what was really happening. 
Colombiana drama? yeah I guess so. But I don't think she is using this as an excuse to 'dump' me soon. She is a mature woman and I don't think she would play that sort of  'game' as an excuse to dump me later like a much younger Colombiana would, to avoid a direct confrontation.  Time will tell. 
Of course she might be using this 'glitch' as an opportunity for her to get some reassurance from me as to how I feel about her. From what I have read on the forum this does happen quite a bit. yes?
Online relationships would be so much better if the technical glitches and limitations were non-existant. 
 
 
 
 

[benjio]

Begin, we have the same problem sometimes at work as there is an instant messaging system we use for intercompany communication. When it isn't working for some reason, there's one thing that's always good for a quick fix. A phone call.

[euforia51]

Colombiana drama? yeah I guess so. But I don't think she is using this as an excuse to 'dump' me soon. She is a mature woman and I don't think she would play that sort of  'game' as an excuse to dump me later like a much younger Colombiana would, to avoid a direct confrontation.  Time will tell. 
Of course she might be using this 'glitch' as an opportunity for her to get some reassurance from me as to how I feel about her. From what I have read on the forum this does happen quite a bit. yes?
Online relationships would be so much better if the technical glitches and limitations were non-existant. 

Online relationships are so much better when the level of trust that has been established surpasses that of just being an acquiantances. To help you understand what that means ... IM glitches and other technical difficulties are automatically understood by both involved to be a part of the deal. And therefore, these are of no consequence to the relationship. You're sitting there telling us that she may be using the 30 minute void in communication as an opportunity to dump you. Did I read and understand that right? If she wants an e-mail, send her one. But honestly, by this time I am thinking that should be an automatic.
 
In another post, I read where you were not feeling well for some reason and you did not want to chat with her until you felt better. Think about that for a second. How do you think this woman feels hearing that sort of thing from a man (and let's assume the positive here) that she really cares about?
 
There seems to be a division in this relationship. And if she really is seeking a little reassurance and validation, you are best to give it to her if and only if, you really do care about her. And this also includes if are not feeling so well. Women thrive on communication ... whether it is through IM, on the phone, or in person. And a lack of it, exlcuding technical difficulties, will only lead to incorrect assumptions, complications and trouble sooner or later.

[braziliangirl]

Women thrive on communication ... whether it is through IM, on the phone, or in person. And a lack of it, exlcuding technical difficulties, will only lead to incorrect assumptions, complications and trouble sooner or later.

Great observation, Euforia! I would like to hear more about what do you guys think about that. I always think that if the guy finds out this secret, I will come off as needy...

[beginthebeguin]

Not to worry.  The email has been sent. A phone call is out of the question right now anyway.
What point I was trying to make is that I do care about this woman quite a lot.  She might have been irritated by the apparent silence by me but she is still sticking with me. She has said so in the past. And just to be on the safe side I sent two emails. One to explain what it think happened with the IM and another to tell her how I really feel about her. Normally I send her an email of the latter variety almost every day anyway in addition to the 2 daily chats. So I figure two letters in one evening should smooth things over.
 
Brazilian girl when it comes to love and romance we are all needy regardless of gender.
And as this relationship gets stronger my skills at letter writing seem to get better.
 
 
It just seems that Murphy's law of technology applies doubly so when one has a long distance relatonship. 

[benjio]

Communicating with a woman has always been a very high priority in my relationships. I'd spend an average of $200 a month calling my ex-girlfriend in Barranquilla because I knew how important it was to maintaining what we had. Unfortunately, because of the area she lived in, it was not safe for her to be going to use the Internet in the evenings; and the Internet connection reliability was unpredictable most of the times anyway. Because of the types of relationships we have as men that seek our significant others in foreign lands, being able to consistently and efficiently communicate is even more important. There is usually great distance between us and our girlfriends/fiancées/wives. The extended periods of time between the moments we are actually with them makes things even harder to deal with. The only reassurance we can give each other in the meantime is with our words.

[beginthebeguin]

benjio sez

The only reassurance we can give each other in the meantime is with our words.

Yep, and as economic times get tougher, words are sometimes all we have. And an occasional video chat if the weather is right. And if the lady in question is willing to put up with that and says so in no uncertain terms. One may have the right one after all. who knows. And I would book steerage passage on a banana boat bound for Colombia if I thought that was the only way I could get to her. The Asian stock markets are in free-fall as I write this (Tuesday in Asia). So a banana boat is not out of the question.     

[InnocentVixen]

Begin, I think it's reasonable there was a misunderstanding with that kind of situation, if you always talk at certain time and you are not answering, specially since you guys have not met in person, it is easy to start getting crazy ideas, if a phone call is not possible perhaps a text is? if you rather avoid that all together then you might want to keep at least 2 messengers open from now on. Reassurance is great when needed, specially since she has a long wait ahead, she deserves plenty in my opinion.


Euforia, you are a genius!
That my dear gents, is what it's all about. Yes, us women thrive for communication, I am not particularly needy but when it comes to someone I care about deeply, I am not afraid to come of as needy... because I know I am! but of course if I know what's happening he won't have to deal with crazy ideas and it will certainly make life easier for me not feeling that way, it's a win-win situation.


We should start a new thread about this, god knows I am in the right frame of mind to give the needy point of view right now.

[beginthebeguin]

I_V I understand completely. And yeah a new thread is a good idea. 
The trouble is guys are not allowed by western culture to show any outward expressions of 'needyness' but as I get older I think the machismo way is all a bunch of posturing. Life is too short to waddle through that BS. If you feel you need a woman's company you tell her straight out.   

[InSanDiego]

"In another post, I read where you were not feeling well for some reason and you did not want to chat with her until you felt better. Think about that for a second. How do you think this woman feels hearing that sort of thing from a man (and let's assume the positive here) that she really cares about?"
That did strike me as odd too. Not to go all touchy feely here, but it's not about being the perfect partner; a woman who loves you is supposed to be able to live with you on your bad days, let alone for an hour or two of chatting. More importantly, it's through the dealing with the bad days that you two have a chance to understand each other better and grow closer...
 

[fathertime]

"In another post, I read where you were not feeling well for some reason and you did not want to chat with her until you felt better. Think about that for a second. How do you think this woman feels hearing that sort of thing from a man (and let's assume the positive here) that she really cares about?"
That did strike me as odd too. Not to go all touchy feely here, but it's not about being the perfect partner; a woman who loves you is supposed to be able to live with you on your bad days, let alone for an hour or two of chatting. More importantly, it's through the dealing with the bad days that you two have a chance to understand each other better and grow closer...

These are very good comments and worth considering, in my opinion!


Fathertime! 

[V_Man]

Anyway I could see that she was accusing me of chatting with someone else instead of chatting with her at our usual time. So after a few messages that I could see she logged off saying that she would return when I felt like chatting again, with instructions to send her an email as to what was really happening. 
Colombiana drama? yeah I guess so.   

About the drama.
I'm no expert but this is what has worked for me. YMMV:
First time - explain + express love and devotion. Personally I demonstrated my seriousness with some quite powerful/persausive actions.
Second time - I told her to stop it and that "It is a simple misunderstanding".  I left it at that. I said nothing else and did nothing else until she calmed down. This soon stopped her in her tracks and she apologised. It also interupted the pattern that was developing.

Afterwards I explained this to another hot Colombian woman. She told me that I did exactly the best thing. She explained that what seems like insane jealousy is part of the culture but watch out for the really posessive women. I am just begining to understand what she meant.

This combination of caring but being firm only seems to make me more desirable.

BtheB - you have to be the MAN. You reward desirable behaviour only. She is an adult so you don't punish her for undesirable behaviour you just tell her to snap out of it. I have a certain gentle way of doing this but that makes it all the more effective.

So far it's worked for me but I think it depends on one's personality.

Vman.

[InnocentVixen]

I can blame the culture then 
I used to think I was not possessive or jealous, remember reading my horoscope personality and wonder what they were talking about (scorpio, I'm supposed to be the queen of possessiveness) because I am pretty patient and understanding... but turns out it depends on the person and situation with me, put enough caring, add plenty of distance and some uncertainty and you have a paranoid novia.


V_man's approach is a good one, but keep in mind if you fail at step one she will feel like you don't understand her or care about her feelings and when she tries to approach you again and you have that firm attitude leaving no room to talk she will most likely feel dismissed.


Of course this is assuming this kind of thing doesn't happen often and she has somewhat reasonable points, if she doesn't and it happens every 5mins then maybe she just wants attention and dismissing her might be the thing she needs to get the message that is not the right way of getting it.

[beginthebeguin]

Stage 2.
Letters have been sent. I get one back as a reply to my letters. Novia responds that she has found that I am looking for other women on the very website where we met. I wasn't of course. I got on the website on the outside chance that I would be able to leave her a message as to what transpired yesterday (i.e. the trouble with MSN IM). It seems that she thought I was ignoring her and out searching for other women on the very site where we met. Now I went there because I know she still has an account there. I don't like the fact that she STILL has an account there but I am not about to push that button at this time. 
But what I didn't know is that her cousin uses the very same site. Her cousin tells my novia (they are using the same cyber cafe at the same time yesterday). Novia jumps to conclusions. That I am there cruising on the site for other women. I seems that when I left the message I did not log out afterwards. Big mistake on my part. Cousin notices that I am 'on-line' at the very same time my novia is (remember I am not longer using that browser tab, but to the website I am still  considered 'logged in'). Novia puts two and two together and comes up with five. I had already closed the browser tab for that site and tried other methods to contact her. Meanwhile my connection is going in and out for the next hour. Needless to say the drama has been taken up a notch.
 
Of course I tell her in a reply to her email that I was not looking for another woman, I was trying to contact her. And that if she wants to have me to never enter that website ever again she has to cancel her account there as well.
Stay tuned for stage 3. 
 
 

[Researcher]

  Hey Begin, I'm with V-Man on this one.After dating and now living with a latina your best bet is to tell he she is being silly and to cut it out.If you have already explained yourself that's the best you can do.

   Researcher

[beginthebeguin]

Stage 3
Researcher sez

Hey Begin, I'm with V-Man on this one.After dating and now living with a latina your best bet is to tell he she is being silly and to cut it out.If you have already explained yourself that's the best you can do.

Just now I told her my side of the events that had transpired. The key evidence I gave her was that I had send her a message on that website's personal message feature. She would not confirm or deny that she was able to read it. SO. I told her that the ball was in her court and that it was her decision to say that the message was there or that it was not there. If she still didn't believe me I would understand and that since she thought she was the hurt party in this matter that she could make the desision to continue with the relationship or not it was up to her. In other words I'm "All in" on this hand.
Told her that once she reaches a decision she can e-mail me her decision. And then I logged off with a closing that I was sorry this situation had happened.
Will let you know results of Stage 4 if there is a Stage 4. 

[InnocentVixen]

too much drama my friend...
The reason she has an account is probably because she is trying to keep her feet on the ground, the fact is, until you meet, you are not real, you are just this lovely ghost she spends a lot of time talking with. I kept ALL (and they were plenty!) my dating site accounts when I was talking to my guy, I just never logged back in, not even out of curiosity to check on him, he was the one I wanted to meet and I felt he was free to do whatever he pleased until we met. The very same day he got on the plane back home I deleted all of my accounts, because I considered myself officially in a relationship.


Something that comes to mind is that maybe you should focus on talking to her about how to not let this misunderstanding happen again instead of explaining so much and borderline begging her to listen to you, I am sure she will be happy to come up with some ideas to avoid all of this.

[Colgando]

too much drama my friend...

Si, yes

[euforia51]

Stage 2.
...
 Now I went there because I know she still has an account there. I don't like the fact that she STILL has an account there but I am not about to push that button at this time.
...

too much drama my friend...

BtB ... how long have you been talking with this woman now? It seems to me it's been several months and certainly long enough to have a discussion with her about cutting off the dating site account. I finally had to do this with Glory once upon a time after a few months of chatting and before we met. It was also bothering me. And there was no way I was going to fly to Colombia to meet and spend time with just her knowing she still had a profile on that site. My note went something like this:
 
I don't think we should be on this site anymore because it is a distraction while we are trying to get to know each other. I have already cancelled my account and I would like very much if you could do the same.
 
I sent her two similar messages. One of them on the site ... and the other to her personal e-mail. It felt a little weird, I'll admit; after all, like Vixen says ... we were just ghosts at the time because we hadn't met yet. But I did it anyway. And what was her answer in so many words?
 
You cancelled your account already? I completely agree. No problem. I will do the same.
 
Too much drama, indeed. But I am confused as to which side of the fence the drama is coming from ...

[beginthebeguin]

Thank you all for your input. I have come to the conclusion that the relationship with this woman is going nowhere. Some of your comments only reinforce some of the doubts I have been having about the relationship anyway. I have to admit openly that I have been holding on to an unrealistic picture of our relationship.
I won't bore all of you by going into any details as to why I have reached that conclusion but I think it is time to move on.   

[Researcher]

       Sorry things have not worked out Begin.I have had long distance relationships with Latinas and I have to say they are not cut out to be apart for long periods of time.Sure there are exceptions but for the most part I agree with the thinking that unless you plan on travelling within a month or two it is best not to even consider getting serious with a Colombiana. They can only hold out for so long without spending time face to face.

   Researcher

[benjio]

       Sorry things have not worked out Begin.I have had long distance relationships with Latinas and I have to say they are not cut out to be apart for long periods of time.Sure there are exceptions but for the most part I agree with the thinking that unless you plan on travelling within a month or two it is best not to even consider getting serious with a Colombiana. They can only hold out for so long without spending time face to face.

   Researcher

Researcher, THANK YOU!!!! I'm so glad someone other than me finally told it like it is.
 
Gentlemen, there are always exceptions to every rule and generalization. Especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Fathertime's relationship with his Colombiana throws my opinions on age difference and taking your time before marrying out of the window. It seems like up until now him and his wife have a very successful and loving relationship. But I've written this particular tidbit numerous times on this board and dozens of times on Gringos.com. If you can't consistently travel to Colombia to visit your novia, just forget about even trying to start this process. Especially if she is very attractive or younger. By "consistently," I mean at least once every three months for a week or two. Even if it's only 4 or 5 days, it's better than nothing. I don't know about Asian women, but Latinas are very physically affectionate and they need attention. Long periods of absence usually aren't going to work in favor of the relationship. In this particular instance, absense is not going to make the heart grow fonder. Add the fact that as soon as you're gone there's going to be some Colombian guy telling her that you have another girlfriend here, and she's a fool for being faithful and there goes your novia.
 
If you want to make friends and acquaintances over the internet that's fine. It gives you the opportunity to set up some prospects before actually going down. But trying to maintain a relationship with a girl online...especially one you've never met in person, very difficult.
 
Begin I'm very sorry about everything that transpired. I know all to well how difficult it is when a relationship doesn't work out with someone you put a lot of time and emotion into. Take comfort in the fact that there are many more where she came from, hop back on that horse and continue riding towards the sunset. It will soon be dawn again my friend.

[Researcher]

    From my experience Asian women are much more patient with LDRs. That was kinda the issue with me though, I wasn't as patient, so Colombia was a better fit for me.

      Researcher

[Jeff S]

Mine too. But then again, I'd say most Asian women are more patient in general than Latinas or gringas.

[InnocentVixen]

I won't bore all of you by going into any details as to why I have reached that conclusion but I think it is time to move on.

You could never bore us begin, but I understand that there will be times that we don't feel like sharing, if it helps you though, feel free to vent here, I do sometimes 

I have had long distance relationships with Latinas and I have to say they are not cut out to be apart for long periods of time.

As usual I agree with researcher, personally I think it's easier for a younger/inexperienced/naive woman to wait longer, because they haven't had a bad experience or it is common for them to be hopelessly romantics... which can be a very good thing if your intentions are serious, but eventually this girls will come across some situation that will help them become a bit more realistic, so if you want one of these is just a matter of getting lucky and catching them before they develop trust issues.


I don't know about colombianas, but personally I don't think the problem is someone trying to fill someone else's head with crazy ideas since for that to work they would have to have a very weak personality to start with.


The affection thing is huge though, when nobody has my attention I am good... but when someone does... he has ALL of it... and at the risk of not sounding lady like I will I admit that I miss kissing damn it!! and I expect to satisfy that need with the guy I am interested in, nobody else will do. So yes, gets really hard after a few months, it's easier to hang in there when you have plenty of communication, it will not replace it but it will certainly make it bareable, but only for so long.