To give a second chance or not?

[creeper1]

Hi Guys. I am feeling in bad way as I write this.  I met this girl two years ago (Malaysian Chinese) and hit it off with her. At the time she was 20 years old and I was 31. We became a couple and I stayed in her room on the fourth night after meeting her.
She seemed a little immature and unsure of what she wanted from the relatioship when I was there with her. However when I returned to where I work (another Asian country) she spoke of her love for me. ONe year later I met her again in Malaysia and we really hit it off. Now we spoke together of planning a marriage (loosely)
 
SHe came to see me ( I work in another Asian country) earlier this year (2011). This time I felt something had changed but she told me nothing had when she was leaving.
 
This is my third time traveling to her country to see her. I am there as I type this.
 
Fast forward to today, she recently told me there is another guy involved with her (I think she is living with him now). She thinks he doesn't really love her though and she is "confused"". SHould I consider taking her back?
One the one hand we all make mistakes but on the other I could be setting my self up for future grief. If you have any insight please respond.

This long distance thing is tough guys. I feel I should have been there. I don't know what to do.

[Jeff S]

Hi Creeper and welcome.


Yes, the long distance thing is tough. I'd say your friend is pretty immature. Not that she's wrong in dating other guys to decide what she really wants, but the way you put it is that she doesn't think he loves her, so is confused. Now, had she said, she wanted to date this guy but decided she didn't love him, or it wasn't working out - that might be different. Also she's living with him but she's confused about him loving her? This reeks of needy cluelessness. If you're looking for wife material, she ain't it, IMO, unless a clueless, weak personality is what you're after. If you want a true partner in life, I'd suggest looking for someone who knows what she wants and is focused in getting it, not someone wandering around in the dark and unsure of herself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying she should be hard-nosed about everything, just have direction and the respect for herself to make her own emotional decisions.


Just my two ringgits.


- Jeff

[Gato4Astrid]

I agree what Jeff has written .............     


When I was in the CB website, looking for Filippino, I have met few Filippinos who already have boyfriends while still looking !!!  I asked them why they are still looking for when they wrote in their profiles  "Already found my man"  etc,  they replied that they thought their boyfriends do not love them.





Sorry that it had happened to you, Mr Creeper

[Ray]

Hi Guys. I am feeling in bad way as I write this. I met this girl two years ago (Malaysian Chinese) and hit it off with her. At the time she was 20 years old and I was 31. We became a couple and I stayed in her room on the fourth night after meeting her.
She seemed a little immature and unsure of what she wanted from the relatioship when I was there with her. However when I returned to where I work (another Asian country) she spoke of her love for me. ONe year later I met her again in Malaysia and we really hit it off. Now we spoke together of planning a marriage (loosely)

SHe came to see me ( I work in another Asian country) earlier this year (2011). This time I felt something had changed but she told me nothing had when she was leaving.

This is my third time traveling to her country to see her. I am there as I type this.

Fast forward to today, she recently told me there is another guy involved with her (I think she is living with him now). She thinks he doesn't really love her though and she is "confused"". SHould I consider taking her back?
One the one hand we all make mistakes but on the other I could be setting my self up for future grief. If you have any insight please respond.

This long distance thing is tough guys. I feel I should have been there. I don't know what to do.
« Last Edit: Today at 04:47:52 AM by creeper1 »

　
Take her back? We all make mistakes? Why do you make it sound like she is the one who screwed up?
　
It sounds like her big mistake was getting involved with a guy who only wants to use her for occasional fun and sex, with no commitment to a future together.
　
You have been wasting her time for 2 years now, so it’s time to shyt or get off the pot. I see your responsible choices as:
　
1.  Ask her to marry you. If she says yes, start planning a wedding and start making arrangements to either bring her back to the UK with you, or move to her country permanently. I would not bring her to Korea with you.
 
　
2.  Break it off now and let her get on with her life.
　
Your choice…
　
Ray
　

[jb]

Hey C1,

why do you feel bad? 

Should you consider taking her back?...
Well, what is it that you want?
What is it that she wants?

Look at all the facts with eyes wide open, make a decision and move forward one way or another.  But if you do move forward with her, don't live in a fantasy with hopes and dreams that she will whatever.  Deal with what she has demonstrated by her actions, not by what she says.

? marks for me that show in your post are

1. that she may be living with another guy after earlier this year visiting you.
2. as you put it "another guy involved with her" 
      at best it is a two way street, but to put it more shockingly SHE is involved
      with someone else.  saying it this way shows she chooses her actions,
      even if she doesn't take responsibility for them (not saying that she isn't).
     
If you want to be with her, be with her, but know by her actions what have transpired up to this point and that she has not demonstrated that she would be stable for the long haul if that's what you are thinking about (IMO).  If you do move forward with her, I would say give it time before taking it serious.  If she didn't know what she wanted then, and by her actions it sounds as if it is still the case, when will she demonstrate consistently over time she does?  Before then I would not even loosely talk about marriage.

Why would you take someone back after she chose to be with someone else?
What about someone choosing you because they want to be with you and it be reciprocal.
Sounds as if she's unclear about what she truly wants in life.
What is it that you want?

[Gato4Astrid]

　
1.  Ask her to marry you.
　
Ray
　

No way in the world I would plan to marry her, after her being unfaithful !!!

[Researcher]

Hi Guys. I am feeling in bad way as I write this.  I met this girl two years ago (Malaysian Chinese) and hit it off with her. At the time she was 20 years old and I was 31. We became a couple and I stayed in her room on the fourth night after meeting her.
She seemed a little immature and unsure of what she wanted from the relatioship when I was there with her. However when I returned to where I work (another Asian country) she spoke of her love for me. ONe year later I met her again in Malaysia and we really hit it off. Now we spoke together of planning a marriage (loosely)
 
SHe came to see me ( I work in another Asian country) earlier this year (2011). This time I felt something had changed but she told me nothing had when she was leaving.
 
This is my third time traveling to her country to see her. I am there as I type this.
 
Fast forward to today, she recently told me there is another guy involved with her (I think she is living with him now). She thinks he doesn't really love her though and she is "confused"". SHould I consider taking her back?
One the one hand we all make mistakes but on the other I could be setting my self up for future grief. If you have any insight please respond.

This long distance thing is tough guys. I feel I should have been there. I don't know what to do.

     This girl is too immature in my opinion.Sure long distance relationships are tough but if she is confused about what she wants out of life it will be even tougher....for you.Too many women out there for this kind of thing. Find one that is mature enough to handle a long distance relationship.

      Researcher

[creeper1]

Thanks guys for your responses. I ended it earlier today. She cried and I held her.
I took her up wrong about living with this guy (evidence of miscommunication right there). She lived somewhere else. However she WAS unfaithful. She confessed.
 The simple fact of the matter was that if there was a future for us she would have kept her affair secret. That's human nature. We hide that that could end up costing us something we treasure. Just by admitting it she was inviting what was to come.  I could tell she didn't want to save the relationship. Her body language meant, although upset, she wasn";t going to plead for me to forgive her.  She gave me the responsibility of ending it. I did that.
 
I want to make it known that money was never an issue with this girl. She actually paid for a plane ticket to see me in Korea and paid some of my hotel costs here. She had a good heart just very, very confused.
 
Ray thanks for your input. I do sometimes beat myself up about whether I should have married her. She said it wasn't the long distance that was the problem but the communication.
 
Now a small matter of what to do for the next two weeks alone in Singapore.
 
THanks guys for not trolling (too hard) on this thread. I am in a bad way.
 
 

[jb]

C1,

Sorry that you are hurting right now.
 Please be kind to yourself,  you only have one you.

[Ray]

 
Wise choice on making a clean break creeper.
 
She sounds like a nice young lady who will be happy some day when she grows up.
 
Good luck with your search.
 
I was just curious. Have you given up on Korean ladies yet?
 
Ray
 
 

[robert angel]

Creeper1,
 
Sorry things haven't panned out for you so far. Don't hole up in your hotel room though. Just a thought, but perhaps you might want to find out where foreign ladies who works as nannies, domestics, etc spend their days off. Perhaps attend mass or other spiritual services where single ladies might be. Stroll through the parks and shopping malls.
 
A lot of nannies and domestics have bachelor's degrees and are working in Singapore because their nation's economies are doing so poorly and they get free room and board and send valuable currency back home--ladies who have values & loyalties quite often. The Philippines, Indonesia, and Cambodia come to immediate mind, but if you keep an open mind, there's no telling who and what you might find!

[piglett]

Creeper1,
 
Sorry things haven't panned out for you so far. Don't hole up in your hotel room though. Just a thought, but perhaps you might want to find out where foreign ladies who works as nannies, domestics, etc spend their days off. Perhaps attend mass or other spiritual services where single ladies might be. Stroll through the parks and shopping malls.
 
A lot of nannies and domestics have bachelor's degrees and are working in Singapore because their nation's economies are doing so poorly and they get free room and board and send valuable currency back home--ladies who have values & loyalties quite often. The Philippines, Indonesia, and Cambodia come to immediate mind, but if you keep an open mind, there's no telling who and what you might find!

you make a good point Robert
 Singapore from my understanding is loaded with Pinay nannys.
if i was in Creepers shoes i would down at the catholic church soooo fast it would make your head spin. hell i mite even talk to the priest & tell him that you are wife hunting. he mite know of the perfect woman for you who is NOT living with some other guy. I know my wife is in church often even though she normaly works 12 hour days 6 days a week.so i guess for many Pinays going to church is a really big deal.
 
best of luck
piglett   

[creeper1]

Ray. I may think about Korean women again. It's actually pretty easy to get a fairly attractive 30 something in Korea since KOrean guys wouldn't touch a divorcee with a bargepole. It's just their thinking.  I may consider it but not sure.
 
Thanks guys for the other suggestions. I have been to a few malls alright and saw some quite obvious pinoys but I'm reluctant to talk to them.  I don't feel comfortable hitting on them.
 
As for going to mass, well I'd feel fake just being there to meet women so I'll pass on that.
 
I'm probably soon going to Melacca in Malaysia just to relax and see that city.
 
 

[dewey4350]

Well I kinda like the others, holding up in your motel room is not a option. I would think one of your best assets is the computer you used to post with. There are several websites I would think you can troll to find prospects. I found that just getting out there and having conversations brings the best results. Good luck creeper, just move around.........dewey4350

[piglett]

Ray. I may think about Korean women again. It's actually pretty easy to get a fairly attractive 30 something in Korea since KOrean guys wouldn't touch a divorcee with a bargepole. It's just their thinking.  I may consider it but not sure.
 
Thanks guys for the other suggestions. I have been to a few malls alright and saw some quite obvious pinoys but I'm reluctant to talk to them.  I don't feel comfortable hitting on them.

I would be a little gun shy about a divorcee
I know some guys have found out the hard way that she was never legaly divorced & now she can't get a visa.(because she is still married) I'm not saying that is the case with all of them but it is with atleast some.   
 
now as far as that chicks from the Philippines goes a pinoy is a male & a pinay is a female  .
anyhow i would just walk up to them & ask if they know where you can get good adobo. rite then she will probably let her guard down & may offer to make you some adobo or atleast offer to show you where you can find some in the area.
 
good luck
piglett   
 
 

[robert angel]

Creeper1

It's just my personal observation, but it seems that more than just the winter is cold in Korea. I'm sure there are some decent women there, but most of the ones I've met here in the states and abroad, can be cold and calculating, with an idea on business and material matters. I think they're more inclined to see guys as 'a means towards an end' and not have the loyalty I've more typically seen in some other nationalities. That said, while they stick around and I've met a few guys who still 'got some' after the split/divorce--the sex was said to be pretty good.
 
They've managed to make themselves rather unpopular in the Philippines from a business point of view and are seen by many there as cold and aloof at best--insular, short tempered and rude at worst .
 
 
Once again, that's NOT to say there aren't exceptions--I know an older fellow here in the states, who's been married forever to a great Korean  woman and they've been very happy personally--she's generous, warm and family minded and his businesses have prospered with her help.
 
Koreans are one Asian ethnic group I have a better chance of physically identifying bit better than others usually. They tend to have a bit of the Chinese eye, very prominent jaws and sometimes their head is a bit 'square' looking overall. I hope that doesn't sound awful, because they really are attractive people and are making major fashion statements in everything from hairstyles, clothes to movies and television and economically, they seem like the 'new Japan' in terms of electronics and automobiles.
 
There is still a lot of poverty there, despite the economy overall doing well and you definitely want to avoid going there in the winter. I'm not too sure, but I don't think it's that difficult to get a job there teaching English, although the pay isn't great typically.

[piglett]

It's just my personal observation, but it seems that more than just the winter is cold in Korea. I'm sure there are some decent women there, but most of the ones I've met here in the states and abroad, can be cold and calculating, with an idea on business and material matters. I think they're more inclined to see guys as 'a means towards an end' and not have the loyalty I've more typically seen in some other nationalities. That said

Robert i have talked with a few former military types who had been stationed in Korea & they also spoke of many Korean chicks being cold types , not to say that every single one is like that though
 
 
 
pig