longevity in a marriage

[Researcher]

       I've had many relationships in my life.Some short and some lasted a while.Something I've learned that seems to trump just about every situation is this: There are women in this world that I connect with and that also connect with me.Sometimes that mutual connection is strong. When I found that connection I had to pursue it. There was always a mutual attraction and not always physical.

      The best way I found such relationships was to "put myself out there".Agencies, night clubs, etc... didn't matter.To have a certain connection overcame even the "meat market" scene that many are so skiddish of. To find another person that you connect with is the key.

      My wife and I have such a connection.I can't really explain it but it is the thing that keeps us together.Call it true love or whatever but I knew that if I was going to have a good shot at a marriage with a foreign woman that would last I needed to have more than physical attraction on my end and financial security on hers. The prospect of having a hot babe for a wife would have been enough to get me through the visa process but if the relationship was going to last we would need more than that.

        I really feel like we have a mutual connection.We both have said that we can't imagine being with another person.I know this is true on my end anyway.Worrying about whether she will change or go for a bigger better deal is no worry of mine.

        Researcher

[whitey]

That's an odd thing to say. You must have very low self esteem. Everything that makes ME a catch in a foreign country apply doubly in the US.

I'm not worried my wife is going to change significantly (she will adapt and change in small ways, but I am confident her core values will remain the same).  I'm also not worried that she'll dump me for something better after she's here, although having been divorced I know that love doesn't always last forever. 

However, I think it's an objective fact that many of the things that make us a catch in some other countries just make us average in our own country.  A few examples:

- My income, earning potential, and ability to provide a stable home is MUCH greater than the vast majority of Colombian men ... my salary here is above average, but there are lot's of guys that earn close to what I do.

- I am faithful, whereas most Colombian guys aren't ... there are tons of faithful guys here

- in a country of black hair, black eyes, and often tan to dark skin, I am the exotic gringo with light hair, green eyes, and light skin ... lot's of guys like that here

- I am 13 years older than my wife ... if she wanted, she could dump me and not have much trouble finding a guy younger than herself.

[fschmidt]

opusone, I replied to a similar question some time ago but the moderators here ridiculed my answer.  I guess the moderators enjoy ridiculing people they disagree with, so I don't post here much anymore.  I have been married for over 20 years now and I think the key is to avoid bad cultural influences.  Mainstream American culture is bad, and the men are just as bad as the women.  But there are alternatives even in America, particularly religions.  Even though I am an atheist, I recently joined Orthodox Judaism and my wife will do the same.  Any decent person (and these are very rare) will recognize that mainstream culture is headed to the sewer and will look for an alternative.

[maritime04]

Good deals
 
Wish you the best of luck whitey, I have had the conversation about Colombian men compared to American men, and many women have said that they are " pigs"  act like children till their 30s, they cheat ect..ect.. We have all heard this.
 
It was not until my current girlfriend, that said men are mostly men in any country, you can easily find a "Pig" in the United States or Colombia, simply watch an episode of "jersey shore"................In Colombia you can find faithful men whom behave like adults, if you choose to look.
 
Sometimes when I have disagreements or issues with my girl, I think whoa you should be lucky you’re with me and not a Colombian pig, after saying that aloud I realize how foolish statement is. I heard a guy once tell me how lucky his girlfriend is to have him, because he was the best thing to happen in her life. Why is that? Because you’re a gringo who has money? A western lifestyle? I was kind of taken back by the statement. I thought it was kind of arrogant

I am not afraid of her “changing” because we move the states, I am afraid that as time passes we may not be up to the challenge that all longer term marriages have. How can you be able to tell if your partner is ready and able to handle the commitment that it takes to make a relationship work when you don’t even know for sure if it’s something you yourself can handle? Does that make sense to anybody?

What are the most important factors in making a marriage work?
Honesty? Loyalty? Fidelity? Patients? Compromise? Tolerance? Physical attraction?  Thoughtfulness? Forgiveness?
Is the state of marriage a still “death do you part” affair? Is more a give it a shot but if it gets too complicated you can still walk away.  Is it ok to say I will be married for 10 years then if we grow apart we can go our separate ways?
 

[Researcher]

  The most important factor to make a marriage work?....work....that and realizing it isn't a fairy tale that is supposed to be easy.

       Researcher

[Researcher]

 
It was not until my current girlfriend, that said men are mostly men in any country, you can easily find a "Pig" in the United States or Colombia, simply watch an episode of "jersey shore"................

      Pretty much any woman that watches crap like that should be struck from any list of wife material.I took it as a positive sign when I found out my wife wasn't interested in watching soap operas.

         Researcher

[fathertime]

What are the most important factors in making a marriage work?
Honesty? Loyalty? Fidelity? Patients? Compromise? Tolerance? Physical attraction?  Thoughtfulness? Forgiveness?
 

Well Maritime, in my opinion Researcher nailed the answer i would have given....it is work and it isn't a fairy tale, and knowing that going in is a very good thing!


Fathertime!

[Jeff S]

opusone, I replied to a similar question some time ago but the moderators here ridiculed my answer.  I guess the moderators enjoy ridiculing people they disagree with, so I don't post here much anymore.  I have been married for over 20 years now and I think the key is to avoid bad cultural influences.  Mainstream American culture is bad, and the men are just as bad as the women.  But there are alternatives even in America, particularly religions.  Even though I am an atheist, I recently joined Orthodox Judaism and my wife will do the same.  Any decent person (and these are very rare) will recognize that mainstream culture is headed to the sewer and will look for an alternative.

I just reread that post and don't see any ridicule - at least not from me or the other moderators. You asked if our wives had their value system change when they came to the US, and I replied that mine hadn't. Sorry if you feel like you were ridiculed by receiving an answer that was different from what you expected.


I said it then and I'll say it again now - chose a women with good values and no amount of watching soap operas or gossiping with tattooed Jersey Shore types will change her. Choose a weak woman because you think she'll somehow be easier to control, and you'll get your wish - except those doing the controlling may not be you. They may be neighbors, friends, or anonymous TV producers  in Hollyweird.


I agree with you completely - the culture in America is decaying, but I see plenty of people trying to put the brakes on it, so really do believe there is hope. There have been pendulum swings in the past - hopefully there will be again.

[Researcher]

    Jeff S. makes a good point.I remember steering clear of the women who had an unseperable best friend.A woman that needs the approval and guidance of her female friends will surely end up like an AW before all is said and done.When she arrives in the US there will be tons of AWs trying to "rescue" her. One of the things that drew me to my wife was she made decisions on her own and isn't easily influenced by others.

     Researcher

[benjio]

    Jeff S. makes a good point.I remember steering clear of the women who had an unseperable best friend.A woman that needs the approval and guidance of her female friends will surely end up like an AW before all is said and done.When she arrives in the US there will be tons of AWs trying to "rescue" her. One of the things that drew me to my wife was she made decisions on her own and isn't easily influenced by others.

     Researcher

Even worse is when that friend is a gay guy and is absolutely positively her bestest friend on Earth!!!
 
Not that there's anything wrong with that....

[fathertime]

opusone, I replied to a similar question some time ago but the moderators here ridiculed my answer.  I guess the moderators enjoy ridiculing people they disagree with, so I don't post here much anymore.  I have been married for over 20 years now and I think the key is to avoid bad cultural influences.  Mainstream American culture is bad, and the men are just as bad as the women.  But there are alternatives even in America, particularly religions.  Even though I am an atheist, I recently joined Orthodox Judaism and my wife will do the same.  Any decent person (and these are very rare) will recognize that mainstream culture is headed to the sewer and will look for an alternative.

Fschmidt, 


Your brief time here in the past was very interesting.  Don't worry about not being agreed with by everybody or anybody.  Put your writings out there and let people mull over them.  I happen to agree with some of what you said in the past, although your beliefs might be a little more extreme than what I comfy with. 
Sometimes after people think about thins for a while and have new experiences, and writings they disagreed with in the past start to make more sense and they might wind up agreeing more.   YOU can't let yourself get too upset with dissenting points of view or you will be toast here!


Fathertime!   

[Bob_S]

What are the most important factors in making a marriage work?
Honesty? Loyalty? Fidelity? Patients? Compromise? Tolerance? Physical attraction?  Thoughtfulness? Forgiveness?

Thoughtfulness.  If you are loyal, faithful, patient, willing to compromise, tolerant, all that stems out of thoughtfulness and consideration for the other person and their well being.  Physical attraction will wane over time as you both age into decrepit trolls, and honesty is over-rated.  You don't even really need forgiveness because if you are both being thoughtful towards the other, any conflict will really arise from mis-communication.  (A thoughtful person will be considerate and assume the other person means well even if there is a conflict for whatever reason.  I don't need to "forgive" her bitching at me because I am aware that she currently has a lot of stress {normally she is so much more patient and thoughtful herself}, and her and expressing it loudly is very much out of character for her, so I should cut her some slack.  See?)

Is the state of marriage a still “death do you part” affair? Is more a give it a shot but if it gets too complicated you can still walk away.  Is it ok to say I will be married for 10 years then if we grow apart we can go our separate ways?

Just don't have any kids with her then.  They don't need to see one or the other of you abandon them.  And don't tell the consulate where you'll have your interview that you plan to abandon her in 10 years.  As for me, I plan to be buried someday in my wife's family grave.

Everything that makes you "a catch" in a foreign country disapears as soon as you bring a foreign girl back home.

That depends on what you have to bring to the relationship and what she is looking for.  If you are so beaten down by your dating experience here that you think you only have to offer your magic blue passport and an increase in standard of living, then you'll find a girl who is looking for just that.  But you and she will find there are millions of guys richer, thinner, more handsome, and more charming than you who will offer her everything she wants.  So you better move to her country where your status makes you such a draw, she has to work to keep you, knowing you can trade up any time she starts to cop an attitude.  But if what you have to offer is a good man and loyal husband, and you seek a woman who wants just that, you can take her anywhere in the world and you will still be just what she wants and needs.

[maritime04]

i was not planning on being married for only 10 years, i think you took the comments litterally. i was just questioning the state of marriage in the world today. Divorce rates are high, seperations ect..
 
i was just wondering about the stuff that makes a marriage last. you put it nicely, glad to see there are some people who want a marriage to last.