Who Calls The Shots in Your Relationship? What Would You Do With This Situation?

[dennislevy]

Maritime04


re number 70....

very,very good......well described and written

[whitey]

Whitey, a Barranquillera that saves money?!!!!!!!
 
YOU GOT YOURSELF A WINNER MY FRIEND!!!!!

Haha ... thanks benjio.  Yeah, and she doesn't like carnaval either.  Her friends like to kid her that she's paisa and not a barranquillera verdadera.

[robert angel]

Hey Whitey!

Re:

>>My wife will continue to support her parents once she's here in Canada.  I'm not sure exactly how much it is, but I would guess around $400.000-500.000 per month.

She told me she's already saved enough for most of her first year here, when she won't be working and will be studying English.  I may have to pick up the slack for a few months until she gets a job.

Her parents are in their late 50's<<

Once again, the similarities we've discussed between your wife and mine before are pretty amazing and continue to to amaze me still. My wife works hard help out at home here and to also support her parents and help out her siblings. She saves her money and while she doesn't make much, she nonetheless is surprisingly generous, grabbing the tab during the very occasional times, we hit a  restaurants sometimes, buying me occasional gifts, even helping with some utility bills and groceries,
 
But we were on the same page in terms of her sending saved money she earned home from the start. I know her family doesn't lay around lazy, living off the $500--$600 she sends home a month--they're in their 50's, working their farm and they're still paying tuition for three of my wife's siblings, with her help.
 
I don't mind pulling out of my paycheck and picking up bargains on American 'brand' clothes, tools and other stuff, even a couple computers and electronics to send over, because I know they'll be very much appreciated and useful. I sprung for a small air conditioner for her parent's bedroom and I know they love that. I don't think they ever imagined having such a 'luxury' in their lives..

Whitey, I don't know how we both swung it, but it looks like somehow, as far as women (and cards)  go, we both got the "Queen of Hearts"!

Like Nazly plans to,  my wife also took classes to help her English for a year. It was hard for her at first here, waiting to get her work permit and working out transportation, but despite the nail biting days, in a funny kind of way, they were some of the best days of our marriage.

When your not even near to 'having it all' and when something good finally does comes your way, it sure feels great. When we went from fish and pork chops a lot to a more occasional beef steak and a few shrimp--we might as well been Bill and Melinda Gates, for as rich as we felt, even if just for a day. We'd sit, hold hands, pray and thank our lucky stars, and our only sadness was that her family couldn't be with us--the only people we could imagine appreciating it more. If they were, her mom would probably want to make soup out of the steak instead, as it'd last a few days!
 
The only thing better than 'having it' has been when we've been able to have some extra, then taking what we can share and 'paying it forward', sending it along and helping someone else. Man--does that sure feel good!

[benjio]

Haha ... thanks benjio.  Yeah, and she doesn't like carnaval either.  Her friends like to kid her that she's paisa and not a barranquillera verdadera.

She alright in my book. I don't like it either. Just a big gotdamn mess in Barranquilla. Throwing the damn powder on everyone and all that nonsense. Even when I eventually live there I'll be taking a two week vacation in late February every year.

[whitey]

Hey Whitey!

Once again, the similarities we've discussed between your wife and mine before are pretty amazing and continue to to amaze me still. My wife works hard help out at home here and to also support her parents and help out her siblings. She saves her money and while she doesn't make much, she nonetheless is surprisingly generous, grabbing the tab during the very occasional times, we hit a  restaurants sometimes, buying me occasional gifts, even helping with some utility bills and groceries,
 
Whitey, I don't know how we both swung it, but it looks like somehow, as far as women (and cards)  go, we both got the "Queen of Hearts"!

Hey Robert:

Thanks for the kind words.  Yes, I'm always amazed too at how similar our wives seem to be.  Maybe your wife is half latina and mine is half filipina ... who knows?!  I'm sure they'd have a great time together eating parts of animals and fish that I've never seen before, while you and I share a couple beers.

BTW, I wouldn't pay much attention to FT's shots at your comments about your wife.  I've always found your posts about her to be nothing but respectful and affectionate ... I'm sure your wife would agree.

Looks like we are both going through wife withdrawal at the moment.  I don't know about you, but I have a serious caffeine deficiency ...

[Alabamaboy!]

She alright in my book. I don't like it either. Just a big gotdamn mess in Barranquilla. Throwing the damn powder on everyone and all that nonsense. Even when I eventually live there I'll be taking a two week vacation in late February every year.

Carnaval de BAQ is one of the most overrated things I have ever seen or participated in. I went 3 times and was not very impressed. Just the same few types of dance crews with different color outfits, over and over again in the bright sun, just sweating like a pig. I do like "La Guacherna" though, which comes a week earlier, because it is more crazy and the people themselves are in the streets.

This year we got out of town and went to Medellin instead during Carnaval time. Much more enjoyable.

[whitey]

Carnaval de BAQ is one of the most overrated things I have ever seen or participated in. I went 3 times and was not very impressed. Just the same few types of dance crews with different color outfits, over and over again in the bright sun, just sweating like a pig. I do like "La Guacherna" though, which comes a week earlier, because it is more crazy and the people themselves are in the streets.

This year we got out of town and went to Medellin instead during Carnaval time. Much more enjoyable.

Carnaval is one of those things I'd like to cross off my list.  I'm sure I'd enjoy it for a day (La Guacherna sounds good), but that would probably be enough.

My wife was pretty excited this year when a bunch of Colombian celebrities were staying at a hotel a block from where she works.  She and a bunch of work friends were wrapping up some overtime on a Saturday morning, when they heard about some commotion over at the hotel.  Turns out there were a bunch of futbol stars, television presenters, actors, and reality tv stars (Los Protagonistas de Nuestra Tele had just wrapped up) milling about the lobby and the front of the hotel while waiting for their transportation to carnaval.

So, they all rushed over like teenagers to scream and take photos with their phone cameras. 

[robert angel]

Hey Robert:

Thanks for the kind words.  Yes, I'm always amazed too at how similar our wives seem to be.  Maybe your wife is half latina and mine is half filipina ... who knows?!  I'm sure they'd have a great time together eating parts of animals and fish that I've never seen before, while you and I share a couple beers.

BTW, I wouldn't pay much attention to FT's shots at your comments about your wife.  I've always found your posts about her to be nothing but respectful and affectionate ... I'm sure your wife would agree.

Looks like we are both going through wife withdrawal at the moment.  I don't know about you, but I have a serious caffeine deficiency ...

Whitey,
 
Thanks man-in some ways--your post was too funny, but boy, did it hit home! We can relate, indeed.
 
Since my wife left home--and it hasn't quite been two weeks yet, I've lost close to 14 pounds. And I wasn't even 'fat'--maybe a little 'paunch' mid section, but no problem keeping my belt up--no sign of any 'beer belly'. I did however figure it was a perfect opportunity, with my sweetie typically fixing us a cooked breakfast, dinner and packing me at least a two sandwiches, drinks and more in my lunch daily, that it was opportune for me to 'stay away from food' more than usual and other than a half and half mix of diet A&W Root Beer and Dr. Pepper, I'm hooked on, I'm keeping the calories way down.

 
Didn't stop her from trying though--the day before she left, she cooked two HUGE trays of baked ziti and  eggplant parmigiana, both favorites of mine. Who'd have thunk there could be women so far away from and so different than the Italians, who out of love, would master such recipes!

Thankfully I have a few friends who've enjoyed them as much as I usually do, but my wife won't sleep until I call her every night (and in the morning too)  and she always asks me what I've eaten, As such, I do have at least a bite or two to cover myself and reassure her. I won't tell her I've lost some pounds, as she might 'guilt trip" a bit, but as she's into me staying fit and I think she'll be happy to see me in size 34, rather than 36 waist jeans, with my T shirt tucked in, when she lands!

 
Oh--and be careful with those 'exotic foods' man! I was digging in a chest freezer we have in the house for some real health food my sons love--"Bagel Bites" for their lunch----lol, and after I dug them out, forgot I had pulled out a big ole bag of Red Snapper fish heads that my wife makes some sort of soup out of. These Red Snapper heads were each about the size of my hand, still with a fair amount of meat in them.

Well, the NEXT DAY, walking out of our bedroom, I noticed a mighty peculiar smell, one that seemed to have worked its way all the way from the other side of the house to our bedroom door. It shouldn't have taken as long as it did, but that's not the neatest part of the house, so after finally lifting up some old papers still waiting to be recycled, that had slid off the table covering the 'culprit' , I discovered it--a FULL gallon bag of very big, very much defrosted fish heads--their big buggy eyes and all, just staring at me, mouths open like sly smiles--as if they'd indeed had the last laugh on us after all. Phew!
 
Thank God for Lysol!

[benjio]

Robert you are also a very lucky man. Congrats to you and Whitey on finding such great catches. Stories like these are what keep me hopping on planes headed South. Cheers.

[utopiacowboy]

"Pay the price"? Not just no but hell no.

[jb]

"Pay the price"? Not just no but hell no.

You said it UC.

ditto.  at least for me.

cultural differences aside.
it's one thing to help out family if they're in need from time to time, but too often there are other factors or choices people make that put them in the situation they're in.  both good and bad.  giving family help might involve saying no so they see they need to make difference choices if they want a different outcome.
it's the whole teach a person to fish instead of just feeding them. 
nothing wrong with "feeding" someone in need, but if the person isn't interested in learning how to "fish,"  and just wants to "eat."  I think long term it is doing yourself and them a disservice.   nothing wrong with being in community/family and all helping each other out for mutual survival if that's what one chooses.  but if someone isn't desiring to learn how to "fish," don't expect me to buy a mule to pull your own wagon.  if you buy that type of person a mule, they'll probably complain about the mule in some way or another or complain to you that it's too hard and say, "I need a servant to direct the mule to pull the wagon."  And look at you with a dumb look as if you are to rush right out and hire a servant for them.

I give props to a man for taking care of extended family, and understand that that may be expected as a cultural norm for some folks, but I just don't see that it's my 'responsibility' or 'duty' to do that. 

I can see gladly doing things for others out of love as I have to share and if it's appreciated, but if it's expected and i'm looked at negatively if I don't, I'll pass. 

NEXT!!!!

[chameleon]

You said it UC.

ditto.  at least for me.

cultural differences aside.
it's one thing to help out family if they're in need from time to time, but too often there are other factors or choices people make that put them in the situation they're in.  both good and bad.  giving family help might involve saying no so they see they need to make difference choices if they want a different outcome.
it's the whole teach a person to fish instead of just feeding them. 
nothing wrong with "feeding" someone in need, but if the person isn't interested in learning how to "fish,"  and just wants to "eat."  I think long term it is doing yourself and them a disservice.   nothing wrong with being in community/family and all helping each other out for mutual survival if that's what one chooses.  but if someone isn't desiring to learn how to "fish," don't expect me to buy a mule to pull your own wagon.  if you buy that type of person a mule, they'll probably complain about the mule in some way or another or complain to you that it's too hard and say, "I need a servant to direct the mule to pull the wagon."  And look at you with a dumb look as if you are to rush right out and hire a servant for them.

I give props to a man for taking care of extended family, and understand that that may be expected as a cultural norm for some folks, but I just don't see that it's my 'responsibility' or 'duty' to do that. 

I can see gladly doing things for others out of love as I have to share and if it's appreciated, but if it's expected and i'm looked at negatively if I don't, I'll pass. 

NEXT!!!!

+1


I think it partly depends on personal finances. If you're actually rich and not just rich by LA standards, and your wife wants to work to send money down, or if you don't even need her to and it'll maker her happy, then why sweat the small stuff? At 31 though, I couldn't imagine sending $600/mo down. That's 7200/year, or double per capital income. In NA terms, that's half the tuition for a decent private day school, or a nice chunk of the mortgage on a nicer house.


I make good money but I've also gotten used to a certain standard of living that I'm not really willing to sacrifice and there has to be limits.  I'm fine with paying for her to go to  school, for her to stay home and raise the kids so that we can have a pleasant and harmonious home (if she chooses). I HATE expectations though, whether it's how my AW dates behave or down in SA.

[Alabamaboy!]

I give props to a man for taking care of extended family, and understand that that may be expected as a cultural norm for some folks,

One thing that is both good and bad if you have a relationship with a Costena is that you are considered part of the family. And if there is one person in the family who is doing better than the others, I think it is an unwritten rule that they will help out the others. If you are a daughter in the family and have a job, then most of the money goes to the household (at least that is what I have seen), because everyone is depending on you for survival. If you are married and make it out of there, and move on to a better barrio, then you will be the one everyone picks as the Godfather for their kid, they will want you as the best man at the wedding, they will want to come to your house to have the family parties, etc. If you happen to get out of the country altogether, they will expect you to help out a little bit also on a frequent basis. I don't think they demand anything, I think it is just expected. They are more sharing and community based. If one person has something, they automatically share with others without really thinking about it much. They are not as calculating as we are that the money could be saved and used to fund our child's university fees some day.

I really don't have much problem with helping a bit because to me, why not? I send money to my mom every month or so. A couple hundred bucks as long as it is not breaking me. And so if I am part of my wife's family, and she is doing her part as part of the household, I think she is entitled to a couple hundred bucks as well (if we can afford it). But $600? No way, that is over the top.

[Researcher]

     


        Yeah, 600 a month is a bit much.

        Researcher

[Alabamaboy!]

While chatting with my wife Friday night she mentioned that her father wanted to discuss a new "business plan". I got really ticked off with that because I had already done one "business" with them sending boxes of clothes and stuff over there for them to sell. And it was pretty much a disaster. And never received a peso from them to continue buying products for the "business". When I asked to see the records as to what was bought, sold, current inventory, things like that, it took her a month to produce it and looked like something my 4 year old could put together. And that was with the input of her whole family, many of whom have some University level education. Incidently, for that reason, I have been making way more posts here than usual because I have cut the chatting way down for awhile until I cool off some.

So, based on our previous lessons about the Costeno culture, you will remember about how indirect, evasive, non-confrontational, and somewhat dishonest they may be....so I decided to write a letter to the father and break down the whole thing to him, respectfully, regarding how much I would be willing and able to "help" the family. And also regarding what will be the situation when my wife gets here to the States. She is not going to be working at WalMart, sending her paycheck home to her family while I pay for a nanny and housekeeper to handle her part in the home setting. And I am not going to deviate much from what has been discussed and agreed upon already by myself and the wife. I send my mom probably $200 a month or so to help her out and would be OK with doing the same with her family.....$250 tops....for as long as we can afford it. So if that is not sufficient, or if they have not been told some other version of the story, they need to get the cards on the table right now.

I explained that I am not interested in buying anyone, paying a dowry, or anything like that.

Maybe they read the US newspapers and see how ridiculous Obama is with throwing cash around? Maybe they think I will just take out a loan from China and give them the cash the start the business? I'm not sure, but it is pretty ballsy by all of them to even consider asking for more when I have already done more than my part. And she has not even gotten here yet and participated in the family as a wife or mother.

So we will see what happens. But it may be a clash of cultures....on par with the debt ceiling negotiations.

I am for full honesty and transparency with these relationships. Even though it is generally against their culture. I see this as the most difficult aspect to these relationships with Colombianas.

[robert angel]

AB,
 
I think I feel a wee bit of heat and steam coming out of you--and this is a good place to vent it. You're smart enough and have been around the block a few times. It's not HER pushing this and nobody's gonna hold a gun to your head and make you send a cent. Sure, like almost all of us, between you and your bride, you'll help out some, but your not going into any contractual agreement for sure.
 
There will be times when she'll wish the BOTH of you could do more, send more and if we WERE stinking rich, we would do that, I'd like to think.
 
Just chill, be yourself, standing your ground as you roll with it a bit. This will be fine--it'll get better, especially when they realize we're not "Daddy Warbucks' afterall, that we're not sending gravy tureens full of C Notes 'over there'. (BTW--they prefer Australian dollars now more anyways)
 
I've been thru similar dramas. I sent over $2000 to the Philippines as 'a loan' five years ago, as if there's such a thing as a repayable 'loan' from a Kano to a Filipino--over there--it gets lost in translation and typically comes out as 'gift'.
 
Well slap me silly, but miracle of miracles, my wife's coming back in 8 days with with every cent of it repaid on full and I don't think I've said a 100 words about it since I was stupid enough to 'loan' it 5 years ago. In my mind, I pretty much 'wrote it off' and didn't want to think about it and make myself get all pissy minded. I am very thankful that my wife's parents don't think I'm a dumb cash cow and that they're very different than most people in their part of the world.
 
My wife, while she does send money home--95% is for 'essentials like sibling's college tuition, USA branded clothes & decent--not real expensive shoes, stuff they wear, use everyday--things they could never afford there and she takes the money for that out of HER paycheck.
 
Meanwhile back 'here on the ranch' she's still making sure our house is run like a HOME, while she even pays things like the water bill, the BIG cable TV bill, grabs some groceries, pays for her own car's gas and repair bills as well as for a few other bills and will even usually try to grab the tab when we eat out to boot. And she makes a lot less than I do-every penny she makes, if she sent it back home still wouldn't make her family--not with seven kids--'rich'.
 
When I go out and see bargains--like lately the Gap has had deals like $50 -$60 shirts and jeans--summer weight stuff they're closing out, for $3, maybe $8, tops for their even more expensive stuff, so I'll grab something. So I spent $50, whoopie do. That will be like a million bucks to them and I'll feel the smiles from 12,000 miles away.
 
Or I'll go to Goodwill and sometimes find 'like new'--if not actually 'new' Levis for $3.99 and for a lot of people there, that's a over a MONTH's pay--a really big deal. Yea--it's a 'status' item and I don't want to foster that mind set, but they're also long lasting, practical and comfortable. It makes me feel good and it makes them feel great to know we care.
 
Honestly, I love her family too. I mean--I called her dad the day before yesterday --it was his birthday and the house was full of people--the priest was there, along with half the village. They'd roasted a pig and a goat and I sang him happy birthday over the phone. Unbeknownst to me---I was on the 'speaker phone'. Later on, my wife explained how her Dad's eyes were all watered up, trying not to cry in front of everyone for thinking I was nice enough to sing him "Happy Birthday! What's NOT to love?
 
It'll all work itself out A.B,--and you know it, so once again--chill out--I've been in your place, I 'think' --just 'roll with it' and don't sign no stinkin, worthless contract!-If we're gonna whine (not that you are doing so)-lets make it a Merlot or a Chardonnay, OK?--lol 

[whitey]

Sorry to hear about that AlabamaBoy.

I haven't had to deal with the money issue yet, although I'm sure that there may be some expectations and occasionally a little friction.  I'm also sure that as my wife will be working as soon as she's able, any support I will need to provide will be fairly minimal and probably won't last much longer than until my wife's English is good enough to secure a job.

She supports her parents and of course contributes to the household expenses (as she's living there), as do her two other sisters.  She will continue to send some money to her parents while she is here in Canada.  I admire that generosity and desire to help, as do I admire you for helping out your mom each month.

This is just one of those issues that is relatively "foreign" to us as North Americans since we are raised to be so independent, but is the norm in probably the majority of the world's population.

I think you have received some good advice from Robert.  Here are my thoughts, for whatever they are worth:

- you have the right to set limits about how much or even IF you are able to send money

- this isn't a monthly pension, and there may be times that you aren't able to send the money

- you have your own family to provide for, but are happy to help them out too ... when you can and in the amount you feel comfortable with

- try to be sensitive to the fact that you are removing a breadwinner (or at least a potential breadwinner) from the family ... but I think you're already fully aware of that

- try to keep any frustration out of any communication you send to her father on the subject, and try to keep it relatively brief.  If you go into a lot of detail about how expensive it is to live here, how you are taking care of your mom, how they squandered the money you sent before ... it will probably just be seen as excuses or white noise.

Good luck ... 

[InSanDiego]

AlabamaBoy, I agree with the feedback other posters are giving you, but I must say this  issue, in tandem with the whole coughing skinny sick guy who has god only knows what disease issue, is a red flag. It sounds like they already misused money you sent them. It sounds like the father is driving these financial demands...I would just be as respectfully direct as possible. The sooner you get to a real discussion of these issues with them, the better. I know there's been plenty of talk on PL about cultural differences, but from the outside looking in, this looks like a situation that can continue to deteriorate if you don't address it respectfully and directly...

[fathertime]

Hey buddy,  Once she starts pumping out a baby or two for you all the hassles will seem like they were worth it.  For now, you are having to put down the big outlay with little to show for it, but that will change when you at least living together.  Try to hang in there and use this place to vent especially if it helps you not have to vent as much on her! 


Fathertime!

[chameleon]

I've been thinking about this recently...


I think there is a legitimate point to be made that if they're living communally and all depend on each other to contribute to core expenses like rent, then when you remove her from the household after she gets approved to move here, and you take that extra income away, you're leaving them worse off.


Let's say a costena makes $250/mo, which is average for the country. What share of that goes towards the rent, as opposed to her own needs/wants like food, clothes, entertainment, getting her nails/hair done, etc? That is about as much as anyone could reasonably expect from you. If 50% of her salary goes to rent/utilities, that's only $125/mo.


Overall, if the parents are good parents that want the best for their children, they'll be very happy to know that their daughter will lead a much better life than they were ever able to.


This is probably a discussion every couple needs to have before getting engaged. Make sure you're on the same page as your fiance, and then you can deal with the family from a unified front, if it's even an issue. That's what i'm planning on doing anyway... It's probably easier said than done because you probably need to give a costena a personal finance 101 course before she understands why you can't give more.

[Alabamaboy!]

Thanks for the words of encouragement fellas. I think I have already done most of what has been suggested though. We had this discussion about the cash a long time ago. And I have kept my side of the bargain for sure. I have been super clear without deviations about what I can help with, and also that it will be for as long as I can and as long as everyone is working as a family and doing their part in whatever small way possible.

Let me give you an example of how they can do their part. I bought a laptop for my wife that was loaded with Rosetta Stone and another traditional vocabulary based software that she was supposed to be using to learn English. I asked if everyone could kind of encourage, support, and not bother my wife as she was studying the English on it because it was a very big issue with me with having small kids. And in return, I would leave the computer there for them to use for school, maybe even use the software themselves to learn some basic English if they wanted. Well, in the end, nobody every encouraged her or supported her to study English, they admitted that to me. But regardless they have the computer which we use to chat, practice English. And my wife already has her other computer here in the States. And her sister also has a laptop which she bought when she was still working as a medical tech. So this weekend the computer my wife was using became inoperable because of what seems to be a virus or something. So I said, no big deal, just use your sister's. And she got attitude with me saying that she did not want to ask her sister, and maybe her sister would not let her, and if the sister did not let her then there was nothing she could do...that she could not force her. And I said "oh yeah??? So I am sending money to help the family, buying a laptop for them, bringing some gifts each trip like any normal person would, but you are telling me there is a possibility that your sister might not "allow you" to use her computer when she is unemployed and spends 99% of her day doing absolutely nothing? And when she knows we have the Embassy interview coming up very soon? That is not working as a family. And if they don't want to support you, and us as a couple, why would they expect us to support them on a consistent basis?" That whole thing blew my mind. And that was before she told me about the "business plan"

Whitey, about removing a breadwinner, or potential breadwinner, I don't know about that one. They have 7 adults in their house right now, and the only one who is working at this time is the skinny sick guy who works as a bicycle taxi driver who probably makes enough to buy his lunch and maybe a couple cigarettes at the most. Everyone else there is just kind of hanging out and surviving on the cash I send and the 300K COP police pension that the father reportedly brings in. But they never miss a birthday party or whatever thing.

I wrote the letter to the father very clearly and respectfully, explaining that the money is not my money per se, it is the money of the family. And as the head of the household I have the final say with what happens to it. And that we had already discussed how much, when, all that a longgggggg time ago. But maybe my wife did not tell you about it clearly enough.

I also illustrated in great detail what happens if we do not work together. The plan was that my wife, who I petitioned here on a fiancee visa last year, should have been over here right now if she would have done her part with the responsibilities that we had BOTH agreed upon. But she failed. Even she herself readily admits that. And her family admits they did not encourage her to study, etc., etc. So the end result is that she returned to Colombia because the 90 day visa was ready to expire, and she ended up enrolling in an English course and finally getting down to business. And has been studying well ever since and made rapid progress, achieving the goal of being able to speak basic English with my kids. That part is good. But the bad part is, that for almost a year now, I have been sending the money to her for the classes, the transportation to the classes, and a bit to help the family. In addition to that we have had to (as a family) pay for another visa process, more trips to Colombia, phone calls, etc. So a gigantic waste of time and money that could have very easily been avoided if everyone did what they were supposed to in the first place. Soooo the end result is that my family was not in the position to pay for all her things and also help her family out. If she had been here in the States doing her part as a wife, mother, partner, then all the money I have been sending there could have been used to help her family. Maybe I would be a little  more interested in hearing about the "new business idea" if I had not already blown a ton of cash on all the extra trips, a second visa process, etc.

[Alabamaboy!]

Another thing that pisses me off is that I am handling everything here without help from anyone. I work full time at a busy place, I am also the primary owner of the company so I have an additional heap of headaches, responsibilities that goes along with it. I have a decent size house with a pool. I take care of the grass, trees, pool. I have two kids who spend a lot of time with me. Housecleaning, laundry, all that. One person.

But them? They have 7 adults to take care of three kids and a house the size of a hotel room. No yard, no nothing. And nobody works!! And there is almost nothing asked from them, but even then they have a hard time to do things. Or they come up with a million and one excuses and stories.

[chameleon]

That's rough. To me, it's incomprehensible that people wouldn't strive to make their own lives better. I'd have a problem coughing up cash to support everyone if nobody was working.

[braziliangirl]

Alabamaboy,
Do you know why those people are not working? I know the situation may be different from the USA there. Maybe they are not working because of a complete lack of opportunities. If that's not the case, then yeah... That's rough. And maybe a continues help would just make them think they don't need to look for something.

I hope your wife gets there soon, so it will become easier to deal with those issues.

[Alabamaboy!]

Alabamaboy,
Do you know why those people are not working? I know the situation may be different from the USA there. Maybe they are not working because of a complete lack of opportunities. If that's not the case, then yeah... That's rough. And maybe a continues help would just make them think they don't need to look for something.

I hope your wife gets there soon, so it will become easier to deal with those issues.

There are a couple things at play. First thing is that they live in a rough area of Soledad which has virtually no real opportunities for work. And to get transportation out of there to a place that has work, is difficult or impossible. But on the other hand, they are pretty lazy. Her sister is a medical technician. One other sister is a dental technician. They have computers. They could be networking looking for jobs, sending out resumes electronically, making phone calls because they all have cell phones, etc. They all can cook well. How about making a big pot of Mondongo and selling it door to door on the guy's bicycle taxi? There are things they could be doing, but they don't even try. I do see them highly motivated however to screw off on facebook however. And these are not kids. These are women ranging in age from 22-35.

And when they have a golden opportunity given to them like I did with the clothes and things to sell, they were completely disorganized, unmotivated, and ineffective. But I sure do see them wearing the clothes in all the facebook pics.

Another "opportunity" to benefit the family was when my wife had the chance to be here last year and blew it. Because she was lazy to study English how she wanted. So she in effect squandered a year's worth of money that her family could have used (hopefully) for something useful.

You are right, that if I sent any more than I am, it would probably stunt any initiative that they have to look for work or better themselves. That is why I liked that $250/month amount. Because at today's exchange rate that is not even minimum wage there. And it is definitely not enough to support a family that large. But I don't know, it sure does not look like it has motivated anyone. The vast majority of the money goes for my wife's school and transportation to the school, and the internet service for the house.