Who Calls The Shots in Your Relationship? What Would You Do With This Situation?

[no comment]

AB, you already know that your priority is to rule out TB or get your wife out of the house so I have nothing to offer about that. 


My wife is still living in a home (cement shack) in one of Lima's outer districts.  Currently 10 people living there but recently as much as 15.  The 10 include the matriarch and a mix of children and grandchildren.  The father is dead.  He was in charge when alive and kept his oldest son in line.  Now that son has alcohol issues and has pushed other family members to the edge, which is why several have found other accommodations.  The guy will abuse other siblings and leech off of them but he will still respect his mother, and she won't toss him out.  A younger son is bigger and could probably give the guy a beat down but the mother is in charge. 


That's just the circumstances.  They don't have options so they just endure.

[Gato4Astrid]

One of my girlfriends

 

[Alabamaboy!]

I see in the BAQ newspaper that the famous Vallenato singer Diomedes Diaz was hospitalized with pnuemonia in Valledupar, and is currently in "delicate" condition, but stable.

[Alabamaboy!]

UPDATE: Well, first of all my wife still has not moved out of the house to the aunt's house. She said her cousin is living there now and there is not enough room for her. The idea about moving to the apartment or hotel for awhile was not even taken seriously. She said she could not waste money like that or leave her family like that.

The mother who was sick went to a free clinic of some sort which is associated with the pension her father gets from the police department. She was given some kind of injection and seems to be doing much better. She supposedly did not tell the doctor or nurse at the clinic about the very skinny, sick, coughing blood guy who sleeps on the floor. She was not tested for TB.

The sisters or whoever who were mildly sick are doing much better now.

The sick guy, is still sick and more skinny than ever. I saw some pics of him recently and he looks bad. Oh, and of course he has not been to the doctor yet or had any testing done. His wife supposedly has at least gotten him to agree to going to the doctor and that will supposedly happen this week.

My wife really looks good though and does not appear to be sick at all.

The best thing about this story is that the family has attended three birthday parties (her sister, her father, and her uncle), in the last 4 days!!! But nobody seems very concerned about this poor skinny sick guy. Maybe it could be racism? He is a black guy. And I remember that during our wedding party this black guy "snuck" his brother and wife into the party, because he thought I would not want a black person at the party. When I told him he was crazy and that I wanted to meet him, he just looked at me with his mouth open. He had already told the black guy and his wife to sit way down at the end of the party and to not talk to anyone. That kind of racism just blew my mind, especially when the people in my wife's family obviously have some black in their ethnic background!

Anyway that is one attribute of most of the Colombians I met that I definitely do not like: The procrastination regarding taking care of important tasks.....BUT the cheesy birthday parties never stop.

[maritime04]

yes thats a really good point, work can wait parties MUST happen NOW!

[dennislevy]

Two reactions to your update.
1. I m sorry
2. I m hardly surprised.

If you ve sent money for the skinny old sick guy ti be tested....I would say its gone.

Now what to do about your wife?

That she would think its wasting money to go to a hotel or an apartment.....now that the excuse of the aunt being full up has been made...(may be legit, may be an exuse),,,,,

 she maybe thinking that YOUR money is OUR money because she is your wife...and akmost NO Colombians from poor stratos undertand that sometimes you have to spend some money to avoid BAD stuff down the road.

Does she even know that tuberculosis is an infectious disease?

And are you SURE  that she understands  that she can be denided her fiancee visa and the righ to be with you if she tests positive for anything?

Ann if you haven t said it.....YOU SHOULD say..I want to spend this money to TAkE CARE OF YOU, TO MAKE SURE YOU RE  HEALTHY..BECAUSE I LOVE YOU anD I WANT US TO BE TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF OFUR LIVES!!

And if she isnt going to respond to that...then you ve got a serious cultural issue.

what you ve experiencced (and maybe you knew it already) is that a young Colombian s woman s family is ALWAYS more important then a foreign husband, UNTil she gets to his country. 

You can let it ride...and just hope that she gets her medical test, she s clean, gets through the Embassy interviewand gets on the plane

or


You can make a test of control and power over this...and that is what relationships with many colombianas are about........and say something like...

well, look if you don t  want to respectt my wishes about YOUR health, and understand that I LOVE YOU.....then maybe its best that you stay in Colombia... and I ll visit you from time to time...when I am able to.

Yes its an ultimatum....

And then IF AND WHEN she asks you about money.....to live on....you have several answers and ways to go......

Because to say, its either your family or me......that s not going to work.

Back to my reaction 1,,,,,,,,,,,,.I m sorry.....

Dennis

 

[fathertime]

Hey buddy, well at least you know if you ever are stubborn and sick and 80pounds, your woman will still be there for you!  Now seriously, it doesn’t seem like your lady has much pull around the house, she is probably one of the weaker voices so I don’t know that she can do much about the situation, unless she is removed from it.  Hopefully soon she will make it to you and you can keep her healthy, happy, and safe, because there are many waves that need to be caught down in SD


Fathertime!

[Alabamaboy!]

That she would think its wasting money to go to a hotel or an apartment.....now that the excuse of the aunt being full up has been made...(may be legit, may be an exuse),,,,,

This story is legit. I know how many people live there. But to me, it is still not an excuse. She is already sleeping with two other sisters in her bed, so I am pretty sure it is not that cramped at her aunt's house. I think it is more that there is an old father in law who lives there and does not want any other people in the house.

Does she even know that tuberculosis is an infectious disease?

And are you SURE  that she understands  that she can be denided her fiancee visa and the righ to be with you if she tests positive for anything?

Yes she knows all that. I even sent her links about all this and pics of TB patients, etc. But you know how it is sometimes there. They cannot think more than 5 minutes into the future or connect actions with consequences. It is one of the things I admire most of the Costeno culture, that they are so positive. But also one of the most irresponsible and dangerous things about them.

YOU SHOULD say..I want to spend this money to TAkE CARE OF YOU, TO MAKE SURE YOU RE  HEALTHY..BECAUSE I LOVE YOU anD I WANT US TO BE TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF OFUR LIVES!!

Yeah, I have said all that. But she always plays the part of the helpless soul in God's hands.

And if she isnt going to respond to that...then you ve got a serious cultural issue.

yeah, I think serious cultural issue. But thank God we are not going to be living there. When she is here, the game will be played according to the normal ways of the world. Not the "I think I will just stick my head in the sand and maybe my problems will go away" plan.

I think I am going to let it ride. Ultimatums do not work with Colombians very well. And I speak from experience. As a matter of fact, if you want a guarantee that a Colombian will not do something, make an ultimatum that they "have" to do it "or else pay the consequences"...and more times than not they will not do that thing.

The thing that really gets me is that I am sending money to have this thing taken care of but it is not getting done. And I am paying for her English classes, transport to Colombo. And God forbid if you ever bring up anything about money to anyone over there. Because they have all been versed in the response...."ahhh estas echando todo eso en la cara? ahhh que bueno....." Try to completely turn the tables to make you feel like a really bad guy, for taking care of your wife and trying to help the family. So if you help with financial things it is bad. If you don't you are codo and a bad person for letting the situation continue asi.

[Alabamaboy!]

Hey buddy, well at least you know if you ever are stubborn and sick and 80pounds, your woman will still be there for you!  Now seriously, it doesn’t seem like your lady has much pull around the house, she is probably one of the weaker voices so I don’t know that she can do much about the situation, unless she is removed from it.  Hopefully soon she will make it to you and you can keep her healthy, happy, and safe, because there are many waves that need to be caught down in SD


Fathertime!

Yeah, when our dog here was sick she wanted me to drop work right away to take the dog to the end of the earth for treatment. But a sick, suffering member of her family and household? Nah........maybe it will just get better on its own.  Who is more important anyway....an animal or a human? Hmmmm....

If she is one of the weaker voices there, she should at least not take the money I sent there to get the guy tested and for treatment. And she should at least try to not look so thoughtless and irresponsible to be going to 3 parties in 4 days and at the same time not do what I ask of her.

We will see what happens. But she already knows what will happen if things go badly with this mess. But if she has her head in the sand again on this issue, she is going to be in for a big surprise if the medical exam goes poorly before the interview. If she causes things to be delayed 6-12 months additional time because of infection, or needlessly costs $10's of thousands of dollars of our family's money, simply because she cannot understand to do the responsible thing, after it has been explained repeatedly in exquisite details.....Wow.

[Alabamaboy!]

When things like this happen, it causes me to completely re-think the whole relationship, because I have no idea if she will be this irresponsible when she gets here if I or one of the kids gets ill. And I would be reckless and irresponsible to let it happen.

You never know how someone is going to react in a situation, until they are in that particular situation in reality.

My number one priority is the safety and well being of my family. Not just her or me or the kids, but all of us. So I make all decisions based on this concept. When I spend time, money, or energy on something, it is not for me, it is for the family as a whole.

[dennislevy]

Alabama Boy

I think Im speakiing for everyone when I say appreciate your openess, and honesty and candor. Youve given us a an invaluable tutorial on the culturaL differences in acceptance of responsibility, stewardship of money, planning, transparency in realtionships, etc

Thank you..

Regarding ultimatums, they usually dont work with Colombian women...and since you are  married....and you re emotionally committed...... you can t issue one without the full understanding that if its rejected......you may have to walk.....,...

.I ve used them sparingly ...when I thought I had a very reasonable expectation that wasn t bieng met...and when the woman wouldn t accept it...I walked...., and had no regrets.... But I m not married.

May I ask again, how old are you and how old is your wife?

[robert angel]

Hoping this isn't the situation, but if worse came to worse, would he be run out of the embassy if he tried to petition another bride from that country?

[Alabamaboy!]

Hoping this isn't the situation, but if worse came to worse, would he be run out of the embassy if he tried to petition another bride from that country?

Robert. No need to worry about this. I would not be petitioning anyone else in the future. I don't think anyone would be "running me out of the embassy". What would be the basis for that in your opinion?

[Alabamaboy!]

May I ask again, how old are you and how old is your wife?

My wife is 23 and I am 43. But I hope you are not trying to say that age=responsibility. Especially in Colombia. Because if that was the case, the guy who is sick and 32 years old with two kids and a houseful of relatives living with him would be the first one to leave the house and get tested before possibly infecting the entire family? Or maybe the mother who is in her mid 50's, and supposedly the "boss of the house", would be responsible enough to have the doctor come to the house to test everyone as I suggested. Or the father who is in the mid 50's would insist on the same thing. Or her 4 older sisters who live in the house would do the same thing.

But in Colombia age has absolutely nothing to do with maturity level based on my experiences.

[dennislevy]

AB

No, I m saying that and please forgive me if you even thought i implied that.

what I was curious was how that specific age difference between the two of you affected marital dynamics and deciison making.

And the answer to that is your own business.

Its a complex situation and I hope you can resolve it successfully. 

[Alabamaboy!]

AB

No, I m saying that and please forgive me if you even thought i implied that.

what I was curious was how that specific age difference between the two of you affected marital dynamics and deciison making.

And the answer to that is your own business.

Its a complex situation and I hope you can resolve it successfully.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I appreciate it.

In regards to the marital dynamics and decision making with us, it is pretty simple really. She is "in charge" of the care of the home, kids, pets, food, day to day operations of the home. If she tells me to take my shoes off before entering the home, I do it. If she insists on doing things "old school" in the kitchen although I suggest other, more efficient ways to do things, that is her decision.

I am in charge of the yard, taking care of the car, earning the money for the household, and protection. This issue has sort of passed the point of day to day household issues and is now going into my area of expertise, protection.

It works out pretty well like that, but in some instances there is a "tie" and someone needs to  make the decision for the family. And at least in my family, the person who is the tiebreaker is the one with the most experience and knowledge in that particular area. So if it is about dancing, cooking, proper pronunciation of Spanish words, traveling precautions in Colombia....I defer to her. If for some reason there is a "tie" and we both think we are the most qualified to make the decision, I have the deciding vote. That is just the way it is in my house.

Are there any households out there that do things any differently? I am always open to new ideas if they make sense.

[Alabamaboy!]

AB

No, I m saying that and please forgive me if you even thought i implied that.

what I was curious was how that specific age difference between the two of you affected marital dynamics and deciison making.

And the answer to that is your own business.

Its a complex situation and I hope you can resolve it successfully.

And although there are many, many good things about my wife and I love her dearly, there are some things that you cannot do as a responsible parent. And one of them in my book is to risk infection to yourself or others with TB or any other severe illness which makes you lose about 1/3 of your body weight over a 6 month period.

[fathertime]

Well AB, your lady is a lovely good woman and she has shown dedication to you.  Assuming she passes her physicals, I hope you bring her here again.  The fact is you’re likely to always be plagued with decisions that make little/no sense to you, but that is just how many of this cross-cultural marriages work I guess.  We have to pay in some respects for having such young beautiful wives!  For me, it is well worth it, and I hope the same for you.   


Part of my philosophy for newer posters is to advance the relationship quickly.  One benefit is when these sorts of issues come up, the partners have a degree of commitment to each other already and are less likely to toss in the towel.  Once married, many times couples learn to adapt and deal with each others little irritants, whereas if those same two people were just dating, they might say adios to each other since the commitment level is lower.  Some issues really are too difficult to overcome, others seem big at the time and then in retrospect often times they aren’t as big as we thought.  I’m not referring to AB’s situaiton at the moment,, this is just a general comment. 




Fathertime!

[Alabamaboy!]

Well AB, your lady is a lovely good woman and she has shown dedication to you.  Assuming she passes her physicals, I hope you bring her here again.  The fact is you’re likely to always be plagued with decisions that make little/no sense to you, but that is just how many of this cross-cultural marriages work I guess.  We have to pay in some respects for having such young beautiful wives!  For me, it is well worth it, and I hope the same for you.   

Yes she has shown a lot of dedication to me and the kids, as I have shown to her and her family as well. And at this time, I have no problem putting up with things that make little/no sense to me. You are exactly right, it is in a way, "paying" to have such a nice wife. The only problem with me is when it affects kids and other innocent people who cannot fend for themselves. I don't think anyone on this forum would knowingly accept things like that. But I am now starting to be a bit like the Colombians. After I do the best I can, and try to help and guide the best I can, I just throw in the towel now and put it in "God's Hands", like they tend to do. And let the chips fall where they may.

All I know is my family, including my wife, appear to be safe and healthy right now. And I want it to stay that way.

[fathertime]

. After I do the best I can, and try to help and guide the best I can, I just throw in the towel now and put it in "God's Hands", like they tend to do. And let the chips fall where they may.
 

To be perfectly earnest (Borgnine) I think a little of that sorta philosophy is good for you!  Much of this sheet is out of our hands and when dealing with a wife it is much more pleasant to accept things as imperfect sometimes!
You have done what you could to help.


Fathertime!

[InSanDiego]

AlabamaBoy, I understand you concern which makes perfect sense to we Americans, but  I also think we can all agree that this a cultural difference thing. You are after all marrying a Colombiana. It's not like she's doing something that in any culture would be a deal breaker...

[Alabamaboy!]

AlabamaBoy, I understand you concern which makes perfect sense to we Americans, but  I also think we can all agree that this a cultural difference thing. You are after all marrying a Colombiana. It's not like she's doing something that in any culture would be a deal breaker...

I am not sure what you mean by that post. The reality is that if the guy has TB and she would fail the medical exam and require 6 months to a year of additional postponements to the visa process, after taking money that I sent her to get the guy tested.....that is kind of a deal breaker. I think one of the other guys posting in this thread mentioned that someone he knew was able to come over here but required weeks or months of hospitalization. And all that because nobody gives a damn? That is kind of a deal breaker too. I don't have a problem doing my share, if everyone else is also, but I am not in this relationship to be financing her education from thousands of miles away while she does whatever she pleases.

It would be like if I had a friend living at my house, with my kids,  who is an HIV +, IV drug user who leaves used needles laying around. And she is coming over to live with me and she has two kids. I don't think she is going to go for that. And it would probably be a deal breaker. Especially if she sent me money to help the guy out, but instead, I was just going to parties and not taking care of the situation. In what country is this normal behavior? And how desperate or a poor father must a guy be to tolerate irresponsible behavior like that?

It would not be such a bad situation if she and the family were just completely ignorant of TB, how it is spread, the symptoms, etc. But they have seen the information regarding all that. In Spanish. So the fact that they don't care or whatever is borderline criminal in my opinion. Especially with small kids in the house.

I can tolerate a lot. And I have had the patience of a saint with this relationship. Like Fathertime mentioned, if you are going to get involved with one of these women you must be willing to "pay the price" to a certain degree. And I am for sure. And have done so for a pretty long time now.  But this is a little excessive.

And yes my wife is Colombian, and so is her family,  but they are not animals, they are human. And I would expect them to treat the sick guy and the other people in the family at least as good as they treat the family dog. Is that asking too much?

[InSanDiego]

Alabamaboy, it's your life, man, and I don't presume to tell anyone what to do. I'm confused, though, about the nature of the relationship. On the one hand, you said she has been very devoted to you and the kids. If that is true, I don't know why she would intentionally do something to sabotage the relationship. You know her much better than I do. If it is a deal breaker for you I understand. If she is doing something you feel is blatantly disrespectful, I doubt this is the first thing she's doing that is disrespectful. For me, if I was sending money to finance an English course and the money was being used for something else, that is a dealbreaker because that is a trust issue that is universal...

[maritime04]

AB
 
Sounds like your letting this "issue" give you some second thoughts on the relationship, it also sounds like you care very deeply (why you married her). There are many culture issues at play especially in the "barrio" they seem to be a mix of ignorant and stuborn sometimes. I agree with you that safety and health are HUGE issues, and you are worried about her safety.
 
Hopefully he does not have TB, but you should probly continue the conversation as to why you took the issue so seriously to begin with. Your not alone in that, i have have been there, in regards to "chicken pox" (i have nver been sick with it). anywaz good luck.
 

[Alabamaboy!]

@InSD: She has been devoted in the sense that she is studying English now and can speak simple English to my kids. We have been together for like 3 years now. She was supposed to have learned this English a couple years ago, but she did not. She was lazy or whatever thing and did not learn it. She blamed it on everything and every body. She was given computer loaded with Rosetta Stone and other software, was given one on one private lessons with an excellent female instructor, and other classes. But she did not learn the English hardly at all. So she kept telling me that when she came to the States she would learn it. So we went for the fiancee visa last year, she came here for 3 months, but during that time she did not do as she promised and study the English hard the way she was supposed to. She did not practice with me or my employees (who are all Mexican and Colombian and about her own age). And in the end the little bit of English she did know was not enough for her to be able to communicate with my kids and so at the end of the 90 day period, I made the difficult decision to not marry her and she returned to Colombia. The problem was that she did not even put in the effort to learn. I think she may have a learning disability, but that just means you need to try harder, not less. Anyway, we really loved each other and she agreed that she really f'ed up and let me and the kids down. So as soon as she hit the ground in Colombia she enrolled in Colombo and really got her act together and learned more English in 6 weeks than she had in almost 2 years prior. So because that was the only major sticking point in the relationship at the time, we got married in Dec. and are doing the spousal visa now. So yes....she has shown her devotion. She is online every night with me for about 2 hours. Every night.  And so am I.  She speaks to the kids, even my mom. I think I showed her devotion to her all this time by supporting her with the school and also spending a lot of time with her practicing the English, writing her letters, etc. And all this is for her and the kid's sake because my Spanish is pretty good. She is not using the English class money for other things.....I think. But I was trying to think of the best way to get this guy tested and treated and someone here on the forum, I think it was Whitey, suggested that I have a doctor come to the house because it is very cheap there. So I sent 250K more so that a doc could come to the house and take care of the guy and test everyone. And she did not do it. Then I told her she should leave the house, and she did not do that either. But at the same time she has gone to 3 different birthday parties. And that pisses me off that she knows how serious this is, she has the means to fix the situation, did not do it, the guy is sicker than ever now, annnnnnnnnd she thought it was a good idea to go to a bunch of birthday parties instead. All after seeing and reading all the information about TB, the symptoms, treatment, photos of the sick patients, and understanding that if she tests positive on the chest X-ray she will most likely be denied entry to the US. And her interview will probably be in 1-2 months.

@Maritime: Yes it is giving me second thoughts, because it is a very bad, dangerous combination to be ignorant, stubborn, and so detached from reality that you will not do the necessary things to try to prevent an impending disaster. And it is obviously not just with her. It is less with her than with her own parents and older siblings in the home. If you have the means to get everyone checked out, and have the money (sent by me), why would you not do it? I think you just answered your own questions as to why I took this issue so seriously when you wrote that "safety and health are HUGE issues and I am worried about her safety". I am not only worried about her safety but the whole house! The guy who is sick looks like he has something very serious either TB, AIDS, or who knows what else. He weighs about 80 lbs and can barely hold his head up. And one of the biggest things they check for during the Embassy interview process is the chest x-ray to check for TB. And it is not something that you can take a couple Zithromax and fix in a week. It is a very serious situation which takes a long time to treat. And all of this could have been avoided if they would have just simply done what a normal human would have done and have the guy checked out and/or treated. She takes her dog to the doctor every couple months for one thing or another....but nobody cares about a human being. That is a bad sign for me and my kids if she is the primary person caring for the household when she gets here. And it is one thing to be ignorant. I admit I was ignorant with many things when I was high school age. But as soon as I saw the correct way to do things and saw how uninformed I was, I learned all I could so as to not be ignorant anymore. Especially if it was things in the way of safety for other people and myself.