Who Calls The Shots in Your Relationship? What Would You Do With This Situation?

[Alabamaboy!]

My wife and I are waiting for her spousal visa to go through at this time. Hopefully it will only be another month or so until the interview.

But while we are waiting, she is staying at her family's small home in Soledad. There are 10 people living in the home which is super tiny, poor construction. One of the people living there is her sister's husband who weighs about 80lbs, skin and bones, and has had a bad cough for about 6 months now and my wife tells me he is even coughing up blood sometimes. He has not seen a doctor for this because he is "afraid of doctors". He "works" all night as a bicycle taxi driver in a bad area of Soledad. Then he comes home in the morning and sleeps on the floor all day.

I told my wife that they need to force the guy to go to the doctor's or boot him from the house because he could possibly have TB or AIDS, or who knows what. And especially if it is TB then he can be infecting the whole house. Right now my mother in law and two sister in laws are sick with similar, but less intense symptoms. I explained about how contagious TB is. And sent links to websites in Spanish so she could show the guy and her parents.

Well the guy won't go to the doctor. The mother has told the guy to leave but he will not go. So I told my wife to have her father, who is probably twice the size of this guy to toss his ass out. But she told me that the dad won't do anything because he is not the boss of the house. It is her mother. And her mother will not let him literally toss him out.

Now I know some people have different rules in their homes, but to me, this is an issue of safety and protection of the family. And to me that is strictly man territory. SO I would not hesitate to grab the guy by the neck and physically throw his ass in the street if he was unwilling to go to the doctor when he has potentially serious disease which can affect the whole family.

First of all what would you do if you were in my situation?

Also how do things operate in your relationship/home? Who "calls the shots"?

[fathertime]

      If the people of that household are not willing to help him or themselves then you are not in position to do much here in the land of milk and honey.   I guess you can remove your lady from the situation or try to encourage other household members to do something about him. 13 to the house sounded like pretty poor conditions to begin with, these people must have excellent immune systems from the constant exposure to each others illnesses. 


Fathertime!

[whitey]

That sounds like a really rough situation, AB - sorry to hear it.

Maybe the best thing to do is have a doctor visit the house since he won't go himself.  At least to take a TB test and hopefully rule that out.

It's pretty cheap to have a doctor visit ... shouldn't be much more than $20.000 or $30.000.  Hopefully you can find one that will come to the neighbourhood!

Best of luck ...

[benjio]

You should get your fiance out of there now!!! If I'm not mistaken a medical examination is mandatory before she is eligible for a fiance visa to come here, correct? At what stage is the exam usually done? Has she taken it already? If not, I'm absolutely sure they wouldn't let her into the U.S. if she test positive for TB, even if she's not sick. That's exactly what it sounds like the guy has too. Just imagine, what a disapointment that would be if in a month she's denied because of that.
 
Furthermore, I simply would not want the love of my life in that situation. From my experience in the poor neighborhoods of Barranquilla, when one person is sick in the house, everyone has their turn soon after. Then the entire street, then the entire neighborhood. Living conditions are absolutely horrible in some cases and that does not help immune systems ward off infectious illnesses. Rats are a HUGE problem in Soledad, and they incessantly urinate on everything they walk over. YOU CAN'T SEE THE PISS WITHOUT A BLACK LIGHT BUT IT'S USUALLY EVERYWHERE!!!
 
Bama, I obviously don't know the extent of your financial abilities but I would ask my girlfriend to find some where else to stay immediately if I were in your shoes. My ex-girlfriend's unwillingness to leave her living situation because of family expectations is one of the reasons she's not my girlfriend anymore. I'm sure your girlfriend could easily find a room or something for $10,000 or less a night. Anything would be better than what she is living in now. Dennis knows about tons of hostels around Colombia.

[thekfc]

You should get your fiance out of there now!!! If I'm not mistaken a medical examination is mandatory before she is eligible for a fiance visa to come here, correct? At what stage is the exam usually done? Has she taken it already? If not, I'm absolutely sure they wouldn't let her into the U.S. if she test positive for TB, even if she's not sick. That's exactly what it sounds like the guy has too. Just imagine, what a disapointment that would be if in a month she's denied because of that.

AB is waiting for a spousal visa - not a fiance visa.

The medical is "usual" taken a few days before the interview and since they are waiting for the interview to be schedule I would assume that she haven't had the medical yet (interview letter needed for medical?).

I would get her out of there.

[dennislevy]

benjio
Oh sure make me the go to guy!!!!!

AB
seriously...get her the hell out of there as fast as possible.

Guy sounds like hes got at least TB and most of Soledad is a crap hole......and Benjio knows it WAY WAY better then me.

Yioure not responsible for the sick guy, you re responsible for your wife......

BQ is not a big town for hostals,if there are 10,000 pesos a night  hostals in BQ, I don t know where they are. I doubt if you re going to get a decent hotel room for much les then 45,000 or 50,000.....

But if you can send your wife ome place clean to breathe fresh air for a month.........Im thinking Puerto Colombia 30 minutes away from BQ...on the coast. you can cut a deal for a single room not with a Caribbean view...cold water...but clean and cheap   for say 30,000 a night for a 1 month committment.....maybe even a tad better.  sometimne  during the month she can return to BQ for the medical exam.....

Its a 15,000 peso cab ride from  BQ to Puerto Colombia.....

if you ve got more budget...let me know and I ll give you couple of decent hotels in BQ.

Dennis

[InnocentVixen]

I am sorry to hear your girl is in such a hard situation, no matter who is the boss in her house, "the boss" should keep the well being of the whole family in mind and find a way to help the guy even if it took drastic measures, from the sounds of it, there is no boss in her house, or perhaps is the sick guy since he is obviously doing whatever he wants.

Maybe approaching from another angle is a good idea, if they don't care about their health maybe they care about your girl's future and happiness, so stress what benjio said about the medical examination and how she could be denied, I guess getting her out of there is also an option but it could tense up things with her family, then again a dozen of people living in one little house... they might appreciate the extra space.

At my home dad calls the shots, a lot of people assume because he is away for work on regular basis and has a quiet personality he is not, specially with mom being such a social woman that is used to running the house without him, but she always consults big decisions with him and he usually has the last word, if for whatever reason he is being stubborn and not listening to mom I become some sort of mediator, but tends to be pretty rare.

My grandmother used to pretty much depend on my grandfather for all decisions, back then health was seen as a woman thing so if someone got sick she would have to take care of and if things didn't improve then it was her duty to ask her husband to call a doctor.

I am hoping to have something between what my mother and grandmother had, a husband who knows his part but is reasonable enough to talk things over.

[benjio]

KFC, thanks for clarifying...I've started the visa process once and didn't finish it so I'm still unsure about a lot of things in terms of the process for obtaining any visa.
 
Levy, it's about time your rambling served some kind of purpose! LOL! JK
 
Vixen, you definitely make a very valid point when you said her leaving could tense up things with her family. I've had experiences with a similar situation. Some families in Latin America have such an "old fashioned" view of relationships and courting, they will not allow a daughter to leave the house to live anywhere else unless it's with a man that has already married her. Clearly not an issue in Bama's case, but I know exactly what you mean. Hypothetically, if Bama was will to spend the money and wanted to put her up in a nice furnished apartment in Barranquilla until the visa process is finished, I guarantee half of her family would probably follow and start living there with her. The one time I rented a furnished apartment in Barranquilla while visiting my ex, her family did everything there but sleep. I didn't mind at all, I'm just saying...
 
 
 
 

[Alabamaboy!]

I just wrote her an email explaining that I want her to contact a doctor who will come to the house to test the guy. If that does not happen, then I think I have an even bigger problem on my hands, an irresponsible cabrona for a wife.

I think the next step is to look into a place for her also. She has an aunt who lives in Estrato 5-6 place. I will try that first. And go from there.

[Researcher]

   I would do what I could to get her out of there ASAP.The family could kiss my buttocks if they didn't like it.It sounds like you have already explained the importance to your lady that this guy get help and it hasn't done any good.I do what I can to try and keep peace with the inlaws but if your lady stays there much longer she may end up sick also.Visa or no that's not good.The things they check for on the medical exam are pretty serious illnesses and if someone has one of them not getting a visa is the least of their problems.I'd say your lady's health is more important than the visa or her family's feelings.

      Researcher

[Jeff S]

Yeah - I'm with Researcher and several others who said get her out. It is unrealistic to ask her family to throw the sick guy out. While that may fly in the US today, it'll never happen in Latin America. Making do while tolerating other family member's weird behavior, like not liking doctors, is what Latin family culture is all about. You need to get her to another appropriate family approved place, like the aunt's to both for her medical protection and to keep family peace.

[dennislevy]

if the aunt is willign to take her in.....very good

But....unless I mjiss my guess....she isnt going  to ask the sick guy directly to get tested, she is gong to find an intermediary in te family  who may do it or not do it....

And if he hasnt done it so far...why would he do it?.....doctors cost money....and in Soledad....30,000 is a chunk of pesos.

So are you going to pay for it?...assuming the intermediary does their job and the TB guy says yes....

[Alabamaboy!]

if the aunt is willign to take her in.....very good

But....unless I mjiss my guess....she isnt going  to ask the sick guy directly to get tested, she is gong to find an intermediary in te family  who may do it or not do it....

And if he hasnt done it so far...why would he do it?.....doctors cost money....and in Soledad....30,000 is a chunk of pesos.

So are you going to pay for it?...assuming the intermediary does their job and the TB guy says yes....

Of course I will pay for it. I have told them that a long time ago. So money has been taken out of this whole story from the beginning.

She and the mom already told the sick guy to get tested and he refused. My father in law is in the house, is a pretty big guy and has not done [snip] to force this guy to get tested or to toss him.

[Alabamaboy!]

If I was there I would pick this 80 lbs. dude up and literally drag him to the doctor before I would let him stay there another night getting everyone else sick.

[benjio]

Bama, I've been there...and for the life of me, as well as I know, understand and appreciate the culture, some things Colombians do still absolutely baffle me. Short of you going down there and doing it yourself, I can almost guarantee you Uncle Lunger isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Go for the aunt and if that doesn't work set her up somewhere temporary in the mean time. There are some reasonable priced, safe, furnished one bedroom apartments in Villa Carolina for about $650K COP a month. If you're interested I think I still have the guy's email. He doesn't have a website.

[Ray]

…I'm absolutely sure they wouldn't let her into the U.S. if she test positive for TB, even if she's not sick.

　
Not necessarily.
　
If she shows any indication of TB on her chest X-rays, they will probably order a sputum smear test, which would likely add at least another 3 days to the time before her medical exam results are released.
　
If she did test positive for TB, the panel physician would determine if it is active and/or infectious. If not infectious, she may be allowed to travel to the US but probably with the condition that she start treatment and report to a qualified medical facility after arrival for more tests and treatment if necessary.
　
If she was determined to be infectious, then she would normally need to undergo treatment and be cleared before her visa was approved.
　
Some years ago, a friend of mine faced a similar situation. His fiancée in Manila tested positive for TB at her visa medical exam. They approved her visa on the condition that he have her report to the county hospital here within 72 hours of arrival, He had to sign some documents committing himself to paying all of her medical bills. They tested her with a skin test and it swelled up like a grapefruit so they admitted her to the TB ward for a couple of weeks while undergoing treatment.
　
The bills were huge, so he married her in the hospital to take advantage of the free medical for active duty military spouses. The hospital chaplain performed the ceremony, some nurses bought a cake, and he was not allowed to take off her surgical mask to kiss the bride.
　
If TB is a concern, I would have her get her medical exam about 2 weeks before her interview appointment, just in case she needs more tests, or maybe have her get a skin test now. It is better to be safe than sorry…
　
Ray

[benjio]

Very valuable information Ray. Thanks.

[Researcher]

    My wife tested positive for TB but her X-ray was clear.It was determined that it was probably due to the fact my wife had been vaccinated for TB.This can show a positive.All we did was get the Doctor to sign off on the fact that it wasn't contagious.She was approved for a visa.But I'm guessing that if your lady catches TB then it is contagious.Either way I would get her out of there ASAP.

   Researcher

[Bob_S]

My wife tested positive for TB but her X-ray was clear.It was determined that it was probably due to the fact my wife had been vaccinated for TB.This can show a positive.All we did was get the Doctor to sign off on the fact that it wasn't contagious.She was approved for a visa.But I'm guessing that if your lady catches TB then it is contagious.Either way I would get her out of there ASAP.

My wife has a Japanese friend who goes through the same issue.  She tests positive in a skin test because they are given a live virus vaccine.  She gave birth in Japan, so her American citizen kids who got vaccinated in Japan had to get all kinds of paperwork done to prove to their U.S. school that they weren't infected when they tested positive on their skin test, too.

[]
AB, you're in a world of sh!te right now.  If your wife is truly your wife in her heart, she needs to follow your instructions right now.  Not tomorrow.  Tonight.  Take whatever cash she has on hand and get a hotel room tonight.  You can wire her more tomorrow morning.  She needs to stay there till she can make arrangements with the aunt's house.  Every minute she spends in her current abode is another chance of getting infected and getting banned from entry to the U.S.  As Ray pointed out, the cost for treatment to get her cleared for travel will be much more expensive than a few nights at a hotel.  And that's assuming it's not an antibiotic-resistant strain of TB.
[/]

As for your original question, in our house, I call the shots, but my wife points me in the direction she wants me to shoot. 

[Researcher]

  Hey Bob S, I wish my wife would make more decisions she always makes better ones than I do.I was going to get her a new smart phone but when she saw the price she refused! After we left the store, with a cheaper one but just as good, I realized what a great decision she had made.I have been working to help her build a decent credit score.Today I found out her credit score is better than mine!!!I think I'll keep her.

    Researcher

[beginthebeguin]

One of my girlfriends lives in Soldad, and she has had 4 bouts of the 'gripe' since November. She has one now. But being the breadwinner in her family she has not had the opportunity to go lately for such a test. It told her that if she has at least 2 more bouts of the 'gripe' before Sept 1, she should go get a test for TB to be sure. She travels the busses daily to go to work, sometimes to different locations in BAQ and I had wondered in the back of my mind on previous occasions if her reports of bouts with the 'gripe' indicated she had something more serious. TB could be a possibility.

[fathertime]

One of my girlfriends lives in Soldad, and she has had 4 bouts of the 'gripe' since November. 

Oh come on now beginthebeguin, I thought you were committed to your other cyberbabe!    What happened to that austere avatar photo you used to have up??


Fathertime!

[robert angel]

AB,

 
I hope it works out for you and that you can get her out of that immediate area ASAP & get some realistic timeline on when you both can get the 'real move' out of there. Easier said than done, I know...

 
If the Dr. visits the home, does a skin test and it comes out positive, it may be like my first wife, who tested positive via a skin test, but it was a false positive. If that's the case, your gal will of course need further examination to make sure that's it. I think my ex may still test positive many years later, but it's never stopped her from being a critical cardiac care RN here in the USA.

.
Wishing you better luck--you hang in there man, it's got to be eating at you--try not to let off how this is stressing you out with your kids---I know when times were rough along health lines in our situation, I was a mess around the house--you can do better than I did.
 
Just keep thinking how there IS a light at the end of this dark tunnel you seem to be in--and it ISN'T a train!

 
Robert

[beginthebeguin]

FT sez:

Oh come on now beginthebeguin, I thought you were committed to your other cyberbabe!    What happened to that austere avatar photo you used to have up??

FT Yes I am commited to the one, but I cannot just drop the other and still not be concerned for her welfare. How much of a cad do you think I am? Wait don't answer that, certain members here have had enough drama. Such drama should be limited to one thread per week. IMHO.  jajajajaja 
 

[fathertime]

FT sez: FT Yes I am commited to the one, but I cannot just drop the other and still not be concerned for her welfare. How much of a cad do you think I am? Wait don't answer that, certain members here have had enough drama. Such drama should be limited to one thread per week. IMHO.  jajajajaja

Jaja!  It is hard to have real drama until you physically meet some of these babes that you are committed/semi-committed to!
You have never really said much about yourself so I won't label you a cad!  You are still an unknown, but a curious unknown. 


Fathertime!