A man at the doctors:
"Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won’t go away!"
"Did you try using a lemon?"
"Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!"
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Mike said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Richie commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Tony said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
