Latina concerns

[V_Man]

What do you think are the most common top priority concerns that Latinas have about having a relationship with a gringo?
Each person is going to have different concerns but I wonder if there are some more common ones.
I'm expecting there will be a list of things that any seriously minded woman may be concerned about. I wonder if there are some other concerns that Latinas may more commonly have about Gringos.
For example perhaps they hear stereotypical stories about Gringos and are concerned that a Gringo may be a sex tourist. Or he may marry me but then treat me like a servant.

[Researcher]

      I think the second concern you listed is more common.Being treated like a maid or servant.Its understandable. Think about what motivates us (gringos and Latinas) to come together. I'm sure that the thought of why each would want to marry someone from another country has to raise doubts about motives.I bet Latinas think "why would a gringo want to leave his country to find a wife? are AW's all that bad?" while at the same time gringos think(and debate here) "why would a Latina leave her family and country to marry a gringo? are Latinos all that bad?". So I'm sure they have concerns just like us gringos.

    We wonder if the just want a green card while they wonder if we just want a maid/slave.
   
    We wonder if they are going to use us as an ATM while they wonder if we are going to be stingy tightwads.

       For every concern we have I'm sure they have one as well.It's a gamble for both people.

      I'd also add that I think one of the biggest disappointments for Colombianas is when they find out what terrible dancers gringos are!! The best we can do is try and not look silly while we are dancing!! If we gringos can accomplish that we think we are doing great!

        Researcher
       

[Alabamaboy!]

I think some of the top concerns of Latinas are:

1. Is he going to change and treat me bad later on?
2. Anxiety over the language barrier.
3. The fact that the woman would be leaving her beloved country....most Colombianas I have met so far would rather stay in Colombia if it were possible.
4. Not knowing when they would be able to return to see their family for awhile.
5. That life will be boring because we do not listen to music like they do and that we work too much, never relax.

The vast majority of the Colombianas I have met have been very confident in their capabilities to be a great mother, wife, and run the household. And I have not met any yet who even seemed interested in knowing where I live or what the weather is like.

[AndyLee]

I agree with bama boy, the majority of the Latinas I meet are first of all concerned that they want to stay in Colombia and I might change my mind and move back to the US at some later date. That's the biggest concern. Most of them really do want to stay in Colombia.
Now that you mention it, I have never been asked about my home in the US or what the weather is like there. Isn't that funny?

[sdgringo]

Over the years, have had some women tell me their concerns and problems. Some were pretty big. Mostly pertains to women going to the US

Most were,” is he what’s he says he is. His financial situation, his job, family, friends, personality? “   its pretty easy for a guy to lie about many things in his life.

Two girls I know were blindsided by their fiancée.  One girl, who was clear to her fiancée that she wanted a family, but once she was in the US with her fiancée, he changed his mind, more likely, lied and hoped she, would change her mind once she was here. She was really sad and eventually left him.

Other girl, once she was here, the guy didn’t tell her that he had 2 roommates in his house, and then wanted her to get a job ASAP, even without SSC #.

Ahhh, forgot, one girl, once she was living with her fiancée, learned he was an alcoholic. He hid it well on his trips, but once she was there, he couldn’t hide it anymore.

All girls eventually left their men
 

[OrlandoGringo]

I think some of the top concerns of Latinas are:
3. The fact that the woman would be leaving her beloved country....most Colombianas I have met so far would rather stay in Colombia if it were possible.

That can't be right.  After all, I've had many gringos tell me that all Colombianas would do anything to escape the tree they're living in for a chance to live in our wondrous, pristine, USA.  Of course, none of them have ever been to Colombia, know a Colombian or can even spell "Colombia".   

[OrlandoGringo]

My ex was concerned that I was going to keep her locked up in our apartment all day while I was at work and treat her like a dog.  Why she had that concern I have absolutely no idea whatsoever.  Instead, upon her arrival, I presented her with her own car (used but clean!) and encouraged her to get her driver's license and to do as she liked. 
My Colombian fiance (in my avatar...in case you're a little on the slow side or just completely hammered  ) has expressed a concern about her lack of English. 
It's only natural to have apprehensions about new things.  One would have to be brain-dead to NOT have apprehensions about marrying a person from another culture and language and moving away from their homeland to another's homeland.
I would encourage you to ask her what concerns she may have.  Also, when she arrives, new concerns may arise.  Communication and being supportive of her is hugely important here.  You should take her hand, like a little child, and walk her through her concerns and show her that it's ok.  With that said, I'll take my own advice (for a change!  ) and make sure I do the same!

[maritime04]

her concerns for moving to US
1. will my attitude and effection change over the years.
2. family detachment, its not spoken of, but i know its there
3. not speaking english, being an outsider
4. will my family accept her; however they have visted and i encourage phone conversations.
5. will i continue to travel for work
6. finding a job that she can enjoy
 
My concerns
1. helping to keep her happy
2. will the US change her attitude, or our relationship
3. dealing with her family

[Researcher]

      Maritime,I think you have a good point about being accepted by family in the US.It seems that mother in laws treat their daughter in laws pretty bad in Colombia.At least that has been what I have seen anyway. My wife says she is lucky to have a mother in law that treats her so well.

       Researcher

[chameleon]

I've been wondering about this. What do wives do with their time once they come to the US (or wherever)? Obviously, the husband has to work, but it must be hard not speaking the language, not having any friends, not having a job, etc. How many are truly prepared for that?

[euforia51]

3. The fact that the woman would be leaving her beloved country....most Colombianas I have met so far would rather stay in Colombia if it were possible.

That can't be right.  After all, I've had many gringos tell me that all Colombianas would do anything to escape the tree they're living in for a chance to live in our wondrous, pristine, USA.  Of course, none of them have ever been to Colombia, know a Colombian or can even spell "Colombia".

I think Bama boy is spot on with point number 3. I took a very small poll myself with my novia's family in Medellin. And it seems none of them would want to leave Colombia. And why would they? They have their support system of family and friends, they have the Western things with the exquisite malls and transportation, and the list goes on.

4. Not knowing when they would be able to return to see their family for awhile.
5. That life will be boring because we do not listen to music like they do and that we work too much, never relax.

I will also agree with Bamaboy on point number 4, definitely.
On point number 5 however ... and speaking from knowing only what I know about my novia and a couple of members of her family. I would say many Colombians also work like dogs for less pay. Perhaps, much longer and much harder than some of us here do. My novia's brother-in-law works long and ungodly hours. She told me he gets up at 3am and gets home at 6pm six days a week. And my novia works pretty long hours herself; including all day Saturday. Would you do that here? Not if you could help it you wouldn't.

[euforia51]

her concerns for moving to US
1. will my attitude and effection change over the years.
2. family detachment, its not spoken of, but i know its there
3. not speaking english, being an outsider
4. will my family accept her; however they have visted and i encourage phone conversations.
5. will i continue to travel for work
6. finding a job that she can enjoy

I think point number 2 is a much bigger point in scale than most realize. I take my novia's point of view once again. Her family is huge relatively speaking. It is much larger than mine; and many are within easy and immediate reach. I like to think of them as a tribe, truth be told. As for me, my immediate family is 12 hours drive from where I am. If and when she gets here, it's just me, her, and a dog; unless I were to move back home which I have no intention of doing.
So the more I think about Andy Lee and guys like Bama who are already living in Colombia and/or planning to live there, the more this makes sense given my situation. I cannot offer the support system that my novia has with her family; and that is something that will be a big concern for me down the road.

My concerns
1. helping to keep her happy
2. will the US change her attitude, or our relationship
3. dealing with her family

Agree with point 2 once again. The last thing I'd want is for my novia to be immersed into the very fat and miserable Wal-Mart kind of culture (or lack of) that much of the US is very fast becoming.

[utopiacowboy]

I've been wondering about this. What do wives do with their time once they come to the US (or wherever)? Obviously, the husband has to work, but it must be hard not speaking the language, not having any friends, not having a job, etc. How many are truly prepared for that?

They speak the language - the US is the third largest Spanish speaking country in the world. If they worked in Colombia, they can work here.

[chameleon]

The last thing I'd want is for my novia to be immersed into the very fat and miserable Wal-Mart kind of culture (or lack of) that much of the US is very fast becoming.

I can't comment on the other stuff, but this is something that is very easily within your control. When she moves up here, she'll have to get used to new types of food regardless so make the most of the opportunity and don't let her get used to overloading on all the processed crap that makes americans so fat. Cook for her and get her used to healthy eating food and a healthy lifestyle (find something active to do together). Also learn to limit portion sizes.


The latter is something americans have trouble with. So many restaurants serve huge portions and people wonder why americans are fat. Obesity probably comes down to 3 things: huge portions, sitting on your ass all day, and sugar overload. It's got nothing to do with eating low fat, low carb, or whatever other fad diet is popular right now. Look at france. They eat tons of cheese, butter, and bread, drink more wine than anywhere else, and yet they're nowhere near as fat as americans, but it's because in any one meal, they don't eat such huge portions.

[chameleon]

They speak the language - the US is the third largest Spanish speaking country in the world. If they worked in Colombia, they can work here.

Not everyone lives in a place with a high spanish-speaking population though...

[JWR]

This is an interesting thread.  I am divorced to my Colombiana after a 10 year marriage.  I've spent almost a year in the country.  This does not make me an expert, but does make me an observer.  I think that even if the girl dreams of leaving Colombia, and living in the US, they will never admit that.  They will always tell you that they would prefer to live in Colombia.  It's a pride thing.  My ex was pretty miserable in Colombia, and has never really been happy in the US.  Some people are just happier then others in life.  I always encouraged her to follow whatever dreams she had, and now she is a well paid registered nurse in the US with a BS.  She blames me for her unhappy life living here now (after marriage), and tells me she misses her country.  But, I don't see her packing for a return to Colombia any time soon.  Don't get me wrong, she's a good person, and we are friends.  But even if they like their US life, they most likely will tell you they like Colombia better, and you will most likely never see any shred of grattitude for helping her to be happier her life here.  Actually not sure if "Thank You" is as much of a cultural thing in Colombia as it is here.

[fathertime]

This is an interesting thread.  I am divorced to my Colombiana after a 10 year marriage.  I've spent almost a year in the country.  This does not make me an expert, but does make me an observer.  I think that even if the girl dreams of leaving Colombia, and living in the US, they will never admit that.  They will always tell you that they would prefer to live in Colombia.  It's a pride thing.  My ex was pretty miserable in Colombia, and has never really been happy in the US.  Some people are just happier then others in life.  I always encouraged her to follow whatever dreams she had, and now she is a well paid registered nurse in the US with a BS.  She blames me for her unhappy life living here now (after marriage), and tells me she misses her country.  But, I don't see her packing for a return to Colombia any time soon.  Don't get me wrong, she's a good person, and we are friends.  But even if they like their US life, they most likely will tell you they like Colombia better, and you will most likely never see any shred of grattitude for helping her to be happier her life here.  Actually not sure if "Thank You" is as much of a cultural thing in Colombia as it is here.

Hi JWR!
Someday when you feel like it would you post a bit about how your marriage was.  What you believe led to the deterioration of the marriage, and what you could have done differently to perhaps save the marriage, if indeed you were interested in saving it.  I rarely read much from men I consider to be sane/somewhat normal, when it comes to divorces with Colombian women, and I would enjoy reading something a little different and perhaps enlightening.   
Are you going to try again to find a wife or have you had enough now?


Thanks,
Fathertime!

[Researcher]

     Good post JWR and you are correct.If I sense my wife is missing Bogota I plan a trip there.Once she has had a week of scary taxi rides, pollution and the neighbors blasting music all hours of the night she is ready to return to our house in a small, clean and quiet neighborhood here in the US where you are not likely to get robbed on the street in broad daylight.The last time we visited I thought she was going to kiss the ground when we arrived home and got out of the car!

       Researcher

[maritime04]

We talk about where we would like to make a home, she has some issues with living in the USA.
1. not able to speak english, strange culture ect... )she is currently taking english classes, and studing while home. currently at basic level. I have a support system of family close by that is Colombian ex-pats (spanish speaking))
2. her attachment to her family is HOT/COLD, (they fight often and have many problems, she is not the favorite in the house, but still craves her mothers attention/love when not mad at her. her family size for Colombia is small, her father past away, she has only her mother and sister and two small nieces. cousins are distant family ties, i personally think i lucked out in this.)
3. what she plans on doing for a living, as i make good money, i am giving her the option to work only part time, as she wants to send money back home to help her mother only not her sister as she states, she wants to work but has a hard time deciding what she wants to do, i suggest part-time employment till she makes a choice.
 
She needs to speak english and get her SSN before she starts part-time employment, as we are relocating back to the states, we will stay with my parents for a couple months (spanish speaking)
 
We have also considered what happens if the visa is denied, in which case we will stay in Medellin. Not getting the visa is not a show stopper for marriage, ( becuase of my work)

[beginthebeguin]

Also add to this list if your girlfriend/novia lives just about anywhere.
14 - Thunderstorms  You are her pillow she hides under.
15 - Spiders  You are her chief spider killer.
These two concerns if you can solve them makes you indispensible. 
You solving rest of the concerns, as stated earlier, is just gravy on her plate. jajaja

[michaelb]

Hello, Maritime. So you speak Spanish and your parents speak Spanish and you have some Colombians you are friends with in the US.......excellent. Is your US residence in what one could call and "English Optional" area? If so, so much the better to allay her language fears.

Deny the visa? Well you do have to consider all possibilities and who knows what those devils are going to do, but they generally don't deny the visa if the paperwork is in order and the relationship seems to be legitimate........they will certainly take their own sweet time and may ask for additional documents if you left one out or filled it out wrong.....but they seldom out right deny a legitimate fiancee or spouse visa. (Can't say "never", I remember one of our members posting a "visa denied" thread not too long ago, sorry, right now can't remember who it was)   

Separation from family, especially when a parent's health is declining badly does hit them like a ton of bricks (or a freight train, or insert your favorite cliche), I can tell you that from my personal situation.

[Jeff S]

Marshall's K1 was denied, so he said screw-it and moved to China.

[Alabamaboy!]

I think Bama boy is spot on with point number 3. I took a very small poll myself with my novia's family in Medellin. And it seems none of them would want to leave Colombia. And why would they? They have their support system of family and friends, they have the Western things with the exquisite malls and transportation, and the list goes on.I will also agree with Bamaboy on point number 4, definitely.
On point number 5 however ... and speaking from knowing only what I know about my novia and a couple of members of her family. I would say many Colombians also work like dogs for less pay. Perhaps, much longer and much harder than some of us here do. My novia's brother-in-law works long and ungodly hours. She told me he gets up at 3am and gets home at 6pm six days a week. And my novia works pretty long hours herself; including all day Saturday. Would you do that here? Not if you could help it you wouldn't.

I should have put an asterisk or something next to number 5 because my wife is Costena and they take their relaxation and party time seriously. At least the ones I have met. I have not met a Costena yet who I would consider a workaholic. My wife could not believe that people do not take regular naps during the day here in the States. I have only been to Medellin once and Bogota a few times.....and Bucaramanga once, but they seem to have completely different way of doing business, work ethic, etc.

I must say though, that a few guys here on the forum seem to have found some "go-getter" women from BAQ. I just never ran into any during any of my trips.

[Researcher]

        That's certainly the reputation they have Alabamaboy.I ran into a guy at a party who was a friend of a friend.He is from BQ and he went to college here in the US.He now has a PHD in physics and is working on coming up with a different material to make catalytic converters. The guy is hard working and very smart. He was joking how no one believes he is from BQ so he just let's people think he is from India!

       One reason I think many foreign people come to the US is because of the opportunities here to better oneself. One reason I think people in other countries are more laid back is the lack of opportunity and almost impossibility to improve one's situation.Their only choice is to accept their lot in life and enjoy the moment.Why try? Why bust your hump if it isn't going to get you anywhere?Why not kick back and enjoy life one day at a time? That seems to be the thinking or at least what I have observed.

             Researcher

[maritime04]

Even after living here for 5 years i am still suprised at some of the things i hear, especially when it comes to compensation and employment.
 
I agree with researcher, how can you blame somebody for not getting motivated when they are paid next to nothing. wash bottles all day along and you may earn 15,000 COP !!! there are laws about min. wages but no body enforces them.
 
There is this attitude of "no hope" "why try", combined with little bit of lazy, i understand where it comes from but its horrible to see up close. despite all the crap they deal with Colombians for the most part do not want to leave, after many years of sleeping late, no boss, living day to day, parties all the time WOULD YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK.
 
there is a huge diffrence in work enthic and culture, in Colombia ( poor to middle class familes) one family member works and supports the entire family, and thats it........parents often expect their children to support them if not your a bad daughter or son.
 
Yeah i have a colombian background, so it will help her with the transition to USA living. i have to accept the possiblity of not getting the visa, which would mean continue to live in Colombia, which is not a horrible place.