Introductions

[maritime04]

I have actually decided to sign up, introduce myself. I have been looking through this forum for entertainment over the past year, and I must say that topics of conversation and comments from posters is priceless, valuable regardless if you agree with their comments or not, seeing some one else perspective especially when they are going down the same path can only help you make better choices that will affect your life.
 
With that being said, I am a 30 year old professional mariner who has lived in Medellin on/off since 2005. Recently engaged to Colombian women since August 2010, living together for more than a year, and dating since September 2009. I speak fluent Spanish, but have some trouble sometimes, my mother was born in Colombia and I have family ties here (not in Medellin). We have applied for a K-1 visa and are currently waiting ( august ish)
 
We have a great relationship, and I really am in love with her but despite all the time we have been living together, we still have culture shock, and conflicts. She is younger than me, as well, so I am sure that creates problems in its self.
 
One of the issues I probly need help with is jealousy, she is intensely jealousy whenever we are apart, I have given her no reason to be so jealous, however she states it’s because my eyes stare at women when we are out. Colombians and Latinas are famous for their jealousy, and tempers, and I understand that, but I fear it’s going to destroy this relationship because I am getting tired of it.  So I would like to ask
1. Does anyone else here have exp. from jealous girlfriends or wives?
2. How do you handle it?
3. Did you do anything to make it better or worse?
 
We have a great relationship, sex, respect, desire for a future life together, children, I would hate to lose her because she cannot handle or get over her jealousy. I have to say what makes this worse on me is I am faithful, when I leave Colombia to work I work, and we are together 100% in Colombia, and when she visits family or I am home, I stay home. I do not judge other men for cheating ( many co-works do it) but I cannot, infact when we were just starting to date, I was seeing other women and it did not feel right, and I had no desire to be with other women. After two years, that remains true hopefully it can continue.
 
I trust her 100% when I am away, and she stays with family, she has never given me reason to not trust her. iwould be very shocked if she did cheat on me as anyone in my situation would be. We have talked at length, and some months things are great, other months no so good.
Sometimes the past comes and bites you in the ass but we have passed that.
 
I also wanted to see how the transition from Colombia to USA has gone for many couples, as that is something that will happen to us in the coming months, she is not as close to her family as most Colombians, they fight allot, but I know it will affect her deeply.
 
anywaz i am glad to share my exp. with anyone , and look forward to hearing the exp. of other men whom have gone down the same path.
 

[raycjs]

Maritime04
 
Welcome to the board, my girl is 25 years younger then i am and i went through the same thing for about 2 years. it did not bother me that much as i found it to be very flattering... we live together in the US and she has now gotten over it and has found that it is not as common here as it is in Colombia. she tells me all the time when we go back to BAQ that i must watch myself because the girls there are going to make it hard for me..(and they do) You have to keep in mind that the whole time these girls are growing up all they are told or hear is men in there country cheat( not all but most) like i said it is not an issue anymore and if your girl is as great as you say then do what it takes to make it work and help her to get over this issue.... i wish you the best of luck...
 
Living is the US has help change my girl for the better in all aspects...
 
welcome
 
Ray

[Alabamaboy!]

Welcome. My wife is a younger Costena. She does not get super jealous. A little jealous, yes. Most of the men in her family have mistresses and even kids with other women, so she has grown up with the idea that most men are going to cheat. So if I am just glancing at some other heavenly bodies which seem to be all over Colombia, and do so in a passing manner, she does not get crazy. She does though keep close tabs on me because I have dated other women in Barranquilla and "she knows how it is". So if I say I need to go somewhere for a few hours for whatever reason, she definitely wants to accompany me. 

[dennislevy]

jealousy comes from the insecurity that women feel and the general distrust of men, thats been said.
 
There are such grave issues of abandonment of women in Colombia......that when a woman sees a man leave her for what we as gringos think is a short period of time.....a few hours. she may think that she is being abandoned....again.
 
I don t think there is any way to eradicate jealousy...what I ve tried to do is be a bit humorous, but make the point  When I am with any woman in public, in Colombia I m with her..I m locked into her.....my eyes dont wander. If an in your face attractive woman walks by our table, I simply put my hand to the side of my head as if to shield my eyes...and I smile at my girll.
 
And I ll exaggerate. If a new amiga asks how many novias have I had in Colombia?...I ll give a ridiculous number....say 638 and then I ll smile.  One of the points I try to make gently...there are some questions to which there are no good answers...
 
I also date women in their 40s, so their jealousy is not as obvious as in a youger woman ......
 
but when I do recognize a woman s jealousy as something that cannot be tempered by loyalty or fidelity or humor or any positive behavior...I ll terminate....     

[AndyLee]

This jealousy thing is a problem, no doubt about it. I've seen it crop up in some very unexpected ways that have turned into ugly accusations and ended relationships  instantly.
One time I was with my girlfriend of 1 month in a nice restaurant in Bucaramanga. We had just finished our meal when I saw an American guy about 50 years old walk in with a beautiful Colombiana about 25 on his arm. I'm always interested in meeting fellow Americans so after I paid the waiter I got up and went over to the man's table and introduced myself. He is from Texas and a very nice fellow and clearly smitten with his young latina, whom I complimented then turned to him and in Spanish and with a wink told him his "niece" was very attractive. He laughed like hell at the joke and he and I shook hands and I went back to collect my date who had overheard this whole conversation.
Jeezes, when we got in the cab this lady lit in to me something fierce. Even the taxi driver was stunned and just sat there. She kept yelling about us old gringos hitting on the young girls and how if I wanted a young bitch on my arm I should go back and take that one away from the other gringo. Man, it was ugly. To make a long story short, the relationship ended because of my silly little joke about the guy's "niece".  I simply handed the cabbie 5,000 and got out of the cab, walked across the street flagged another cab and left. That woman hounded me for days afterward still haranguing me. She was extremely jealous and all I did was pay a compliment to another man's date. It's worth noting the woman is 54 years old, so believe me, jealousy happens at all ages in this country, but, i will admit, the younger ones are far worse about it.

[Jeff S]

Hi Maritime and welcome.


Yeah, that jealousy thing is something I couldn't handle at all. Glad my wife isn't at all. In fact she usually discretely alerts me to "oki opai" (big hooters) if I miss them.


You did the right thing Andy. That kind of behavior is completely unacceptable.

[utopiacowboy]

Hi Maritime and welcome.


Yeah, that jealousy thing is something I couldn't handle at all. Glad my wife isn't at all. In fact she usually discretely alerts me to "oki opai" (big hooters) if I miss them.


You did the right thing Andy. That kind of behavior is completely unacceptable.

I'm with you on this one. My wife says that I am a "miron" but she is never jealous, thank goodness.

[maritime04]

Thank you

I have to say Colombians are famous for their jealousy; it seems to be a culture issue, as I have seen it through friends and family, and I have an uncle living in the United States that literally has 17 kids, with various women whom he cheated on.
My girlfriend’s family as well, it seems that it’s the Latin male thing to do, cheat and have multiple girlfriends, and children with multiple women. That is not my idea of family values, and not what I want for my life. Colombia seems so full of cheaters, male and female, they live with stories of best friends cheating with their novios, and seeing how horrible man can behave.
My concern is it’s still not getting better, and I do not want to live my life constantly arguing and dealing with this issue, what’s sad is she really believes that I cheat on her, it’s so difficult to hear her cry over something that did not happen, and only exists in her mind. She has never yelled at me, or insulted me in public (thank god) and it never gets physical, but she 100% believes I am a cheater to the point where I can see it causes pain.
Small issues and things I think are unimportant can create huge fights and arguments, good example, is this forum if she saw the advertisements on this webpage, it could lead to problems, but I can understand why, it looks like a dating website, to an non English reader.
Looking at other women, I personally do not think I do it, it has created many a problems, I actually look away, which makes her laugh, but we still have problems.
We have plans on relocating to US, and I hope that will make the issue better, but its something I am growing tired, you ask yourself whens it going to stop, for now I will give her the benfit of the doubt, and continue to work on the issue, because it seems to be a culture thing. But it seems I may have to
1.   Go outside blind folded
2.   Have no communication with women without her being there
3.   Prevent hair from flying in the air
4.   Be in her sight 100% of the time

[AndyLee]

Thank you

I have to say Colombians are famous for their jealousy; it seems to be a culture issue,

Small issues and things I think are unimportant can create huge fights and arguments, good example, is this forum if she saw the advertisements on this webpage, it could lead to problems, but I can understand why, it looks like a dating website, to an non English reader.

Looking at other women, I personally do not think I do it, it has created many a problems, I actually look away, which makes her laugh, but we still have problems.


 But it seems I may have to
1.   Go outside blind folded
2.   Have no communication with women without her being there
3.   Prevent hair from flying in the air
4.   Be in her sight 100% of the time

I almost hate to say this but I am feeling de ja vu when I read your post......it reminds of my ex wife, an American who was jealous all the time like you are describing your girlfriend.....when we finally went for marital counseling it became clear that my wife was using her jealousy to control our relationship and in the end she became so jealous that it drove us apart.
Just one example....at that time we lived on the South Shore of Boston and I commuted to Boston two days each week as part of my job. One day there was a 3 inch rain storm in about 2 hours and it flooded the tunnel leading out of Boston so traffic was backed up for 2 hours. That was before cell phones and no way to call her so I just sat there in gridlock and fumed. When I finally got home she was ballistic accusing me of stopping to see some other woman.
That was the final straw and I left that night and divorced within 6 months. Even after the divorce I had to get a restraining order to keep her from coming to my apartment and looking for clues of other women I was with. She even broke into my car and took everything out of the glove compartment looking for clues. Damn woman was crazy.


So I guess my comment, I'm not calling it advice, is that if you are "having huge arguments over stupid little things" now it will only get worse. I've written to over 1000 latinas and dated probably 100 of them for one or two times and a dozen of them seriously, and of that number only the one I described in my previous post would be similar to the description you've given of your girl.
Yes, Latinas are a jealous lot, but within reason and under control for the most part. I think what you are describing is a little more serious than just normal Latina jealousy. But, I'm not a professional counselor and I'm definitely not giving you relationship advice. I'm just recounting my own experience and my own feelings after that experience.

[fathertime]

This jealousy thing is a problem, no doubt about it. I've seen it crop up in some very unexpected ways that have turned into ugly accusations and ended relationships  instantly.
One time I was with my girlfriend of 1 month in a nice restaurant in Bucaramanga. We had just finished our meal when I saw an American guy about 50 years old walk in with a beautiful Colombiana about 25 on his arm. I'm always interested in meeting fellow Americans so after I paid the waiter I got up and went over to the man's table and introduced myself. He is from Texas and a very nice fellow and clearly smitten with his young latina, whom I complimented then turned to him and in Spanish and with a wink told him his "niece" was very attractive. He laughed like hell at the joke and he and I shook hands and I went back to collect my date who had overheard this whole conversation.
Jeezes, when we got in the cab this lady lit in to me something fierce. Even the taxi driver was stunned and just sat there. She kept yelling about us old gringos hitting on the young girls and how if I wanted a young bitch on my arm I should go back and take that one away from the other gringo. Man, it was ugly. To make a long story short, the relationship ended because of my silly little joke about the guy's "niece".  I simply handed the cabbie 5,000 and got out of the cab, walked across the street flagged another cab and left. That woman hounded me for days afterward still haranguing me. She was extremely jealous and all I did was pay a compliment to another man's date. It's worth noting the woman is 54 years old, so believe me, jealousy happens at all ages in this country, but, i will admit, the younger ones are far worse about it.

Well Andylee, don't take this as if I'm not on your side, but I can completely see your novia's perspective on this one.  I wasn't there so I don't know all the nuances of how the interaction went down, but I can completely see how a lady would not be happy with how you conducted yourself in this situation.  I think it would have been more appropriate for you to introduce yourself AND your novia and proceeded to pay respect in an appropriate manner not with roars of laughter and focusing too much on the 25 year old stone cold fox.  I can see why your novia was quite annoyed with your behavior.  She may be a little fussy, but she also had enough confidence and self-respect to let you have it when she felt slighted.

My thoughts might be different if this American  came up to you suddenly and you were caught off-guard,  but you went out of your way to initiate contact and it would appear it was at least slightly out of line, given you had a novia presumably sitting somewhere alone and watching.  I think you should have included her.  If I were to do what you did, I know my wife would be very unhappy with me.  IT would not have been hard to have included your novia in the interaction and than this episode may not have come to pass the way it did.

Now as far as cutting it off with her, that sounds like a good move, because you are free as a bird and it would appear that you need a different type of woman than one that is going to call you and create a ruckus when you are slightly out of line. Sorry to be such an aquafiesta!  It is something to think about though...

Fathertime!

[AndyLee]

I agree FT.
What to me seemed like a normal thing to do, something I would do without any forethought in an American restaurant, may have been out of line or at least outside cultural bounds here in Colombia. Including her in the interchange with the Texan and his girl would have been the polite thing to do, yes.
However, even in light of the perspective you have given, the incident escalated way, way out of proportion. A simple dressing down or even modest tongue lashing from her might have appropriate, and I would probably have seen things differently at the moment.
But her outrage and screaming fit was totally off the wall and almost frightening in its intensity. And it was well outside the bounds of common civility for her to keep it up for a week afterwards to a point where I finally just bought a new phone number. Thank God she showed her true self before I invested a lot more time and energy into the relationship.

[fathertime]

I agree FT.
What to me seemed like a normal thing to do, something I would do without any forethought in an American restaurant, may have been out of line or at least outside cultural bounds here in Colombia. Including her in the interchange with the Texan and his girl would have been the polite thing to do, yes.
However, even in light of the perspective you have given, the incident escalated way, way out of proportion. A simple dressing down or even modest tongue lashing from her might have appropriate, and I would probably have seen things differently at the moment.
But her outrage and screaming fit was totally off the wall and almost frightening in its intensity. And it was well outside the bounds of common civility for her to keep it up for a week afterwards to a point where I finally just bought a new phone number. Thank God she showed her true self before I invested a lot more time and energy into the relationship.

Hey Andylee!
I have to agree that based on your writings about her reaction that it was just too much so she had to go.  Some might say that you really don't know a woman until you have had to fight/argue with her!
It appears that you recognize that from your end, you probably could have done things a little differently as well, so my work is done here! 

Fathertime!

[maritime04]

I see this jealousy issue as a real problem, it creates some sort of conflict every few months or so. We are trying to work it out and i am learn not to say or do stupid things, ( not that this issue is my fualt) but i am trying to make it work.
 
She has issues with my work, but i am only away for 28 days at a time, and have access to internet and phone, which helps alot. But it seems like if she can not see me she doesnt trust me.
 
we had a conversation today about a poll that showed that 100% of colombian males asked if they cheat responded with YES, and 98% of women also responded with YES. With all that cheating it suprises me why there are not more swinger clubs, it seems if you want to cheat and have other sex partners why not just admit it, and go along with your partner. some times i do not understand this culture........

[utopiacowboy]

I see this jealousy issue as a real problem, it creates some sort of conflict every few months or so. We are trying to work it out and i am learn not to say or do stupid things, ( not that this issue is my fualt) but i am trying to make it work.
 
She has issues with my work, but i am only away for 28 days at a time, and have access to internet and phone, which helps alot. But it seems like if she can not see me she doesnt trust me.
 
we had a conversation today about a poll that showed that 100% of colombian males asked if they cheat responded with YES, and 98% of women also responded with YES. With all that cheating it suprises me why there are not more swinger clubs, it seems if you want to cheat and have other sex partners why not just admit it, and go along with your partner. some times i do not understand this culture........

There are a lot of swinger clubs in Colombia. Check out this site for more info:

www.guiacereza.com

[Jeff S]

we had a conversation today about a poll that showed that 100% of colombian males asked if they cheat responded with YES, and 98% of women also responded with YES. With all that cheating it suprises me why there are not more swinger clubs, it seems if you want to cheat and have other sex partners why not just admit it, and go along with your partner. some times i do not understand this culture........

The things I learn on this board: All Colombianos lie and cheat. Most are insanely jealous and aren't considerate enough to show up on time. Where do I sign up?

[utopiacowboy]

If one formed their opinions of Colombia from this board and never having gone there, you would have to wonder why anyone would hook up with a Colombiana. I wonder where I've gone wrong. I've never had a cold shower in Colombia, I've never treated freeloaders with free meals simply because I'm a gringo, I don't have a jealous wife, I've never doled out money to members of my wife's family etc etc etc. In fact her brother gave my wife and her daughter the money ($1800) for tickets to go to Colombia in July. Should I tell him that my wife and I make almost 200 grand a year and don't really need it? OTOH he probably clears 100 grand a year from his engineering consulting work so maybe I'll just say thanks. I still don't know where I've gone wrong though.

[Researcher]

If one formed their opinions of Colombia from this board and never having gone there, you would have to wonder why anyone would hook up with a Colombiana. I wonder where I've gone wrong. I've never had a cold shower in Colombia, I've never treated freeloaders with free meals simply because I'm a gringo, I don't have a jealous wife, I've never doled out money to members of my wife's family etc etc etc. In fact her brother gave my wife and her daughter the money ($1800) for tickets to go to Colombia in July. Should I tell him that my wife and I make almost 200 grand a year and don't really need it? OTOH he probably clears 100 grand a year from his engineering consulting work so maybe I'll just say thanks. I still don't know where I've gone wrong though.

           My wife's family doesn't hit me up for money.My wife is never late and there are many great things about being married to her. If I hadn't spent several years travelling to Colombia and dating the women there I would be wondering the same thing.But I know that I am a lucky guy who used good judgement.


                                            One question UC: Does it hurt when you sit?
 

                                             


            Researcher

[maritime04]

other then being jealous, i wouldnt have a problem. Colombian women like any othesr are not perfect. perfection is a state of mind. really life requires work....

[Researcher]

   Hey Maritime I haven't really weighed in on the jealousy issue with a Colombiana but here is my experience. You all the time hear on this forum how you can't be a wussy with these women or they will lose respect for you and walk all over you.For me, this was one of those times.The first few times my lady got jealous I took it as a compliment like Raycjs but after a while it started getting old. My lady really doesn't have any reason to be jealous because I'm crazy about her to begin with and I have never cheated on any woman I have ever been with.Now of course telling her this didn't do much good.I did notice that her jealousy would come at certain times...of the month(if you know what I mean).Other times she would be just great, no problems.So when the jealousy comes out I just look at the calender and say to her "this is crazytime isn't it? ." She knows exactly what I am talking about because I called her on it before. I told her how silly she was being and that I found her jealousy to be insulting. I don't think they can help it really.If you take in to account their past experiences with those Colombiano players and mix in some hormones, well you get a pretty toxic combination. There is no reasoning with hormones, male or female! But I do get a chance to "man up" and show her I won't take any crap, at least once a month!

          Researcher

[maritime04]

Thats good advice

[dennislevy]

I m not married....and I ve dated just a ton in Colombia......but I havent  had any ongoing problems with female jealousy, becasue in the first date or at latest the second, I ask are you a jealous women...and if they say yes, I ask...why?  and I listen hard.....with my ears, but also my eyes and my heart.

And if hear stuff I know that I cant tolerate, I dont go out with that woman any more. It also helps that I date women who are mature and when we terminate...its definite.

And if a woman wants to terminate with me becasue she thinks there are other women....  that s her right.

I ll say are you sure this is what you want to do?
Si, señor.

Bueno...gracias por todo.....que tengas exito en tu vida.

OK; thanks for everything I hope that you have success in your life.

[robert angel]

I've commented before that the day my wife isn't a bit jealous, THAT's the day I'll start worrying.
 
 
Now there's a BIG difference between PARANOIA ( I don't care that everyone thinks I'm wrong here!!--I'm not paranoid!! ) and unfounded, irrational accusations and 'appropriate jealousy' as I call it. In our relationship 'jealousy' means good natured, usually pretty much jokingly, commenting on people around us, such as coworkers, who are attractive, and yes, sometimes easily available if we were prone to fooling around behind each other's backs.


 
We kind of know who the 'players' are and while we're pretty secure with each other, we keep an eye out on the 'playing field'. When I see a pretty lady, say out at the mall, when my head even turns that way, my wife will comment "Ahhh--I know that's how you like them".
 
 Sometimes after we climb into bed and start the 'small talk', we'll talk about people at our jobs and occasionally people we know socially who've 'gone astray' who aren't paragons of  faithfulness, to put it mildly. It's about as close to gossip as my wife gets--she just abhors the ways of many people we know and how they sometimes let loose with poison tongues. We realize that if they're talking about everyone else, they're certainly talking about us when we're not around, so while trying to be being nice to all, we keep our distance. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"...

 
Sometimes even if I don't notice, and we're walking hand in hand, she'll suddenly squeeze my hand and as she'd never actually point at a person, she'll nod her head and 'point' at the woman (usually some one dressed like a borderline or like an actual high end hooker) with her nose. We'll both have a little chuckle, as whether I notice the pretty girl and she calls me out on it, or if I don't and she nose points out the 'hottie', I will chuckle and say --'nahhh'--not my type--I have you and I could play the field, but I don't think I could do any better--you're at least as hot--you just don't dress like that (not in public anyway) and you don't wear make up. (true!).

 
But pure, powerfully venomous jealousy, especially if it's totally unfounded and a common thing, like something that I had to not only deal with in public, but come home to, would lead to a divorce, probably after a stab at counseling first. I can't deal with false accusations, especially when they're over the top dramatic and embarrassing.

[whitey]

Welcome maritime04 ... glad you've started posting.

I'm late to the party here and there's already been so much good advice, that I don't really have much to add.

I'm fortunate to have a costena who is only very slightly jealous (in a healthy way that let's you know she cares).

Maintaining a relationship long distance requires A LOT of trust, so we both do everything we can to reassure each other that we're faithful.  That means things like:

1) Always being where you say you will be, with no unexplained absences

2) Always telling the truth, even when it's not convenient.  Neither of us has caught the other in a lie yet in 3 years.  I took great pains, especially at the beginning of the relationship to demostrate that I don't condone lying. 

For example, we were going to spend the weekend with a buddy and his novia in Cartagena.  My buddy's novia was concerned about what her father would say, and wanted to concoct some elaborate story that she was out with some female friends.  I told my wife (then novia) that I wanted no part of that plan.  There have also been lots of other occasions where she would ask me what we should tell her parents about X or Y.  I always say ... it's simple ... we'll just tell them the truth.

3) Being available for phone calls.  We usually only talk once per day for about an hour before bed ... neither of us are big talkers, but we're always available to each other if something comes up or for a quick call just to say I love you. 

One time much earlier in our relationship, on a Friday night Nazly missed our usual (Skype) call time.  After about an hour, I started to get a little worried and pissed off (since I'd come home early for the call), and my buddy started getting me wound up that she was probably out dancing with her other novio.  When I finally decided to call her by phone, she had fallen asleep early in bed reading her bible.  We had a nice chat, and I felt like a bit of a jerk later for doubting her.

[Dan Las Vegas]

" I've never had a cold shower in Colombia"
well UC, you never stayed at the apartment of my ex novia in the Santa monica section of Medellin, I still remember my first shower, I turned the water on, had fantastic water pressure and then walked under it and I'm sure you could hear my scream all over Medellin that morning!!!  That was the coldest water I have ever felt in a shower!!!!  We fixed that problem quickly and then my only worry was getting electrocuted while taking a hot shower! That is the worst I can say about Colombia!
 
Dan LV

[maritime04]

I have the following problems which may add to her issue of jealousy
1. i have a dear in the headlight look on my have to any questions asked of me, my of my long term friends say i always look guilty....so that can add to the problem
2. i was slow to wipe clean old frienships with amigas and ex girlfriends
3. I look at other women (not in a rude, or vijeo verde kinda way but she says i stare)
4. i have bad luck, cant explain it but i will choose to go outsomewhere with my girl and run into some ex girlfriend
 
How i help or try to help
1. always call when i travel to work and when i am at work
2. we do everything togeather(which is not hard becuase she is my best friend and we enjoy do things togeather)
3. i do not cheat ( doesnt help much when she thinks i cheat)
4. try to communicate and explain how i choose to be with her, and why would i cheat when i can just break up with her and be single again. (reason and logic do not work with women, makes them more angry)
5. i have patients and under standing, lots of patients.
 
she never fights with me in public, she walk out.
 
During a evening out at a nightclub we were having drinks, and i was watching a gourgous dancer doing her thing, and i see that my girls chest is changing colors, like a rash. she had gotton so angry she changed colors, and not becuase i was watching the dancer but becuase she thought i was staring at some fat girl sitting at the table next to us, she had a large chest, but was like 40 years old and fat, if i looked at her it was only becuase she was close by. by no means was i checking her out. all she did was change colors, no fighting in the club that was till we got home.