Fiance finally over here

[jm21-2]

Time to take up fishing. It's not that difficult up where you are. In fact, if you like small fish, and most Asians are very used to them, you can get it in abundance. Hut the public piers when the squid are running and you can fill the freezer in an evening. I'm sure there are plenty of places to dig razor clams and even goeducks (mirugai) if you're really up for some fun in the mud.

The water here is fairly silty and dark, which has convinced her it's polluted (). So not sure if she wants to eat much out of it, especially fishing off a dock.


I was amazed at the price of geoducks. Where I used to have my boat a guy would come in almost every day with a work boat full of them and I never gave it a second thought. Used to see big crates of them stacked up all over the place and thought they were for animal food or something. Figured at most they were a couple bucks a pound, but heck no. I think they were $50/pound at uwajimayas or something like that.


One that I've been interested in is dog fish/mud sharks. They're common as dirt up here and no one eats them...but heard they make good fish and chips. You could catch as many as you wanted in about 30 minutes....I saw a travel show going to Haiti or one of the otehr islands down there and they made some apparently great fish burgers out of something very similar.

[Jeff S]

Oh yeah - goeducks can indeed be pricey. Yes, the brown smoothhounds make a great meal. I lived off those and leopard sharks (another shallow mud, bottom feeding species) during my college years. They're pretty bland and low in oil so take to frying well. They also are good "a la plancha" unbattered and grilled in butter and garlic Spanish style, stir fried Chinese style with ginger, garlic and red pepper, and in curries, stews, cioppino and those kinds of concoctions.


Get yourself some sabiki rigs and head out to a dock after dark under a light. It helps if the tide is moving a bit. Bait it with bits of mussels you can pull off from under the dock, and jig it up and down. Try just under the surface, midwater an down near the bottom. You'll be able to fill up a bucket with herring, jack mackerel, jacksmelt and the like. She'll love them.

[Bob_S]

How do you guys with fiances or wives recently over here find time to post?

Basically, I didn't.  I disappeared from the board for like a year or more.  Did the same again after my kid was born.

I ate some mcdonalds for the first time in a month or so for lunch and now feel pretty sick....so have some extra time this afternoon...can't concentrate on work.
Anyone else have trouble eating fast food after a while? We had applebees once and we could barely eat the food it was so salty.

Yep.  After eating healthy Asian cuisine most nights, and noticing my wife's tastes in food, I have started to realize just how nasty greasy and over-salty most American restaurant food is.  And most all other Japanese she talks to agree that American sweet (i.e. pastries or desserts) are gaggingly sweet.     Nowadays, we might go to McD's maybe once a year, and only out of necessity (like the last time when my daughter's pre-school was having a fundraiser there so we sort of had to show for social obligation reasons).  KFC's grilled chicken menu is acceptable once in a while.

[jm21-2]

So, we've had a couple arguments now and then, all about the same thing, but things seem to be getting worse. Beginning to wonder whether getting married is the right idea. 98% of the time we're great, but that 2% is pretty bad.


Basically if we're out shopping looking for something she wants and I suggest a different product (especially a lower priced product) she freaks out. Yesterday we were checking out a couple juicers (not really intending to buy anything) and I suggested the cheaper one (the one KFC posted) would probably do everything we wanted and cost less. She got extremely upset over that. Basically she's used to controlling her own budget and she thinks I'm limiting hers and cheaping out on her. She doesn't really cost much at all to support and I always end up buying her what she wants anyways, but I do like to provide input on some things. Maybe I just shouldn't? Some examples of things she got upset about: she wanted to buy some grated cheese (I suggested buying a block and grating it at home, cheaper and better); she wanted to try out a different brand of swiffer-type pads (I wasn't sure whether you could use the different brand in our swiffer mop thing); She wanted to buy some multivitamins and vitamin d supplements (multivitamins had a lot of vitamin D in them and I didn't realize she wanted extra vitamin D so asked her why the extra vitamin D). She gets really upset like "I can't even buy vitamins without having to ask you??" but I've bought more expensive stuff for her..e.g. we were looking at some used mattresses and she wasn't finding anything she liked, so bought her a new one...then took the new one back and got a different one when she didn't like it after a few nights...and the biggest thing, she wants me to not buy a boat, which I am ok with in the short-term but in the long-term is not going to work. I am thinking maybe we're both too stubborn and independent to work well with her being dependent on me. OTOH we planned on moving to AUS in a year and a half or so to try that out, and she'd be working there, so budget problems would be substantially less.


I dunno, a big blocky paragraph and a bit of a rant. Just a bit frustrated. Obviously this is just my side of the story too...

[jm21-2]

I guess probably the real problem is that before we started dating and for a while after we started dating she had a good/normal job and was pretty independent, which I really liked. But she keeps meeting these older Taiwanese and Chinese women who completely control the budget and stay at home while the husband works, and she likes that idea. Not really sure I'm into it...I'm OK with supporting her in the US because she came over ehre and her job prospects suck, but if we moved to AUS I think it would be fair if she works (unless we have kids) and we each control part of our income to spend on what we want. E.g. I can work a bit more and buy some toys, she can work a bit less if she wants and just cover the basics. But sounds like now she wants to barely work in AUS and control the entire budget....so maybe even there we're going to ahve problems....

[Capstone]

Your past posts certainly portray that all of your arguments center around the same thing - money.

Not doling out any advice here but I will just say that not being on the same page financially with a Chinese girl is a recipe for disaster.

[fathertime]

Hey Jim! 


I’ve given you shiite many times because you are ALWAYS talking about money.  A USED mattress?? That is is a terrible idea, man.  Maybe for you or for me the used mattress would be fine, but not for a woman that is potentially going to be your young new wife.   A used mattress will not set right with most women, you gotta make them feel a little more special then that.  Generally speaking, you could give her X amount of cash each month and let her spend it however she likes.  She will have to budget but she is free to make choices without your input.


Now regarding all the disagreements you are having.  I do think you should consider NOT marrying her if you think that you two are not compatible and that may be the case in this situation.  Maybe she is really difficult and that might be something you just don’t want to contend with for a period of years/decades.  There are some things about a person that aren’t likely to change much.   Nobody could blame you for deciding against marriage IF that is the situation.  I’ve found that most women are difficult so you also should consider bringing your tolerance for BS up a few notches.  All that being said, it is a little early to be having semi-severe arguments, this is usually the honeymoon phrase.


Well good luck with it all. 




Fathertime!

[jm21-2]

FT,


The used mattress was her idea more than mine....she's still talking about how we should have looked at more used ones and i shouldn't have rushed to buy a new one.


Capstone,


I think you are right on. Arguing with a Chinese woman about money is not something I want to do for the rest of my life, for damn sure. I took off an extra hour or so around lunch and we talked a bit and I think we're closer to the same page....I think mainly we're just both very stubborn and independent and it's hard getting used to the current situation. She doesn't like being dependent and having less control, and I'm not used to supporting someone. Will take a while for us to adjust I think...and then probably move to Australia and start all over again.

[fathertime]

FT,


The used mattress was her idea more than mine....she's still talking about how we should have looked at more used ones and i shouldn't have rushed to buy a new one.


Capstone,


I think you are right on. Arguing with a Chinese woman about money is not something I want to do for the rest of my life, for damn sure. I took off an extra hour or so around lunch and we talked a bit and I think we're closer to the same page....I think mainly we're just both very stubborn and independent and it's hard getting used to the current situation. She doesn't like being dependent and having less control, and I'm not used to supporting someone. Will take a while for us to adjust I think...and then probably move to Australia and start all over again.

My mistake over the mattress...


Well Jim, that certainly is odd that your fiance wanted a used mattress but is arguing about a jar of Vitamin D... just give her money every month to play with if you can afford to, and if you can't afford to, do it anyway if you want to keep her!


i gotta say things like the boat and other things that she is doing this early on would really give me some concern....


you only live once so you gotta go all out and 'all in' if you are going to make it work....


Fathertime!

[Jeff S]

It takes a while to get these things worked out. Being headstrong early on money, (both of you) will not be good for the relationship. My wife and I had a similar story - we were both alone, away from home, and financially independent for decades (well, one decade in her case) before settling down together. Like your situation it was mostly very good, but occasionally rough. After we started doing well and has all the basics covered, though, she was the one who pushed me to get a boat again, and pretty much has to force me to but things like clothes for myself. Fortunately we both have similar tastes when it comes to spending on travel, dining out, and so on.

[jm21-2]

She is extremely frugal...I am frugal by American standards but she makes me look like a reckless spender. It seems like it should work out pretty great except for the boat issue. And I'd much rather ditch the boat than have a wife who was into high fashion or something....our plan would be to retire as early as possible....live out in rural Vietnam or somewhere for hopefully many years of early retirement.


I didn't really say she couldn't buy something...always bought whatever she wanted...but I would have questions like "why buy a vitamin d supplement when there's already vitamin D in the multivitamin?" and she would take it as me trying to convince her to buy something cheaper that she doesn't really want....something along those lines...


I think the main problem right now is that we only have one car and so I am there whenever she's shopping. It would be better if she had a car and could just do the small shopping herself without me there. But will be a bit before buying another car and she has some trouble driving places because the driveway at my house is really narrow with retaining walls on at least one side the whole way.


We talked about a monthly allowance of some sort...she spends so little though that it doesn't really make much sense. It'd be like $100 per month or something. I've already given her a few hundred bucks to do whatever she wants with. I think she went to KFC for lunch once is all so far.


Other option seems to be agreeing not to ask any questions whatsoever about a product the other is buying unless it costs over $X. That's probably what we'd go with for now. Told her if she thinks I'm trying to talk her into something less expensive just tell me and I'll shut up...


Third option which I would prefer but don't think would happen would be after moving to AUS, each contribute $X to household expenses and anything over that we can do whatever we want with. Doesn't work because she wants me to work less and would be unhappy if I stressed myself out working more to buy things she thought were stupid (e.g. boat).

We have each been living on our own for about a decade and Jeff is right...very hard to get used to not having that independence. Especially from going on a few vacations together and long distance to all of a sudden living together. No gradual transition at all really.

[thekfc]

jm, how is your fiance's adapting progressing?

[Dave H]

After eating healthy Asian cuisine most nights, and noticing my wife's tastes in food, I have started to realize just how nasty greasy and over-salty most American restaurant food is.
 

Hey Bob,
 
Ha ha ha...you should try Filipino food...they also add plenty of sugar.  Actually, there are plenty of healthy foods in the Philippines...but many Filipinos prefer to eat the unhealthy, rich foods if they have the money. (I guess it's not much different than most westerners)
 

 
 And most all other Japanese she talks to agree that American sweet (i.e. pastries or desserts) are gaggingly sweet.     
 

Just the way I love it!   
 

 
Nowadays, we might go to McD's maybe once a year, and only out of necessity (like the last time when my daughter's pre-school was having a fundraiser there so we sort of had to show for social obligation reasons). 

Not salty and sweet enough for most Filipinos. I go to McDo in the Philippines when I want  a "good," mostly beef hamburger. 
 
Keep it up and you may live well into your 100's! 
 
Dave
 
 

[jm21-2]

jm, how is your fiance's adapting progressing?

Pretty well so far. We go to the big Asian stores twice a month or so. H-mart has the best meat/vegetable section and lots of kimchee, but not much else. Great Wall Mall has the canned/dried food she likes as well as snacks and beverages. Fortunately they're fairly close.


She is very eager to get a US driver's license but it has been a PITA. She went in to take the written test and they didn't think she had enough documentation about her current residence, so they told her they'd contact her to set up a further appointment. Eventually mailed a letter with a form she had to mail back to them to request an appointment and now waiting on them to send a letter to us giving an appointment time. Looks like we/she might have to go down to Olympia or Tacoma for an interview...pretty ridiculous. I would suggest to people that the first thing to do when she gets here is add her to the utility bills so you can get better proof of her residence. We had a similar problem with getting a joint checking account (taken care of a while ago).


We tried the juicer idea out...great juice but more effort to clean it than either of us really wanted so we took it back. We've found a couple brands of juice they sell at the Asian malls that are pretty good. Can't remember the names but I think they are from the PI for the most part.

[jm21-2]

Budget issues still come up but not like before. She was reading an article the other day about a fairly normal Taiwanese girl who married a very rich Chinese businessman and in an interview the woman said something like "I don't care how much my husband makes, so long as 90% of the money is in my control." Seems to be a fairly common attitude over there. She is very concerned about me spending too much and wants to manage the budget, which for the most part I'm fine with but does cause problems now and then. Like I wanted to rent a tux for our wedding and she got angry at me for being so wasteful....thought I should buy a new suit instead so I have something to keep (as opposed to renting).


We are planning the wedding for July 30 but just had some problems with the minister we were asking to do the ceremony. I think we are creating some sort of record for most difficulties getting married....we are both starting to think we shouldn't have pushed our luck trying to have a wedding ceremony and just do a court wedding...hopefully it turns out alright. We might end up doing a court wedding beforehand just in case because we're pushing the deadline for her visa.

[piglett]

our plan would be to retire as early as possible....live out in rural Vietnam or somewhere for hopefully many years of early retirement.

We talked about a monthly allowance of some sort...she spends so little though that it doesn't really make much sense. It'd be like $100 per month or something. I've already given her a few hundred bucks to do whatever she wants with. I think she went to KFC for lunch once is all so far.

wow there JM, have either of you ever lived in rural Vietnam for any amount of time?? no A/C no internet i think i would have to try that for a month or 2 before i sold all my stuff & went to go live in a mud hut for the rest of my days.
 
now as far as the monthly allowance goes I'm with ya
once my wife arrives here she will still probably have to wait 6 months to a year to get her nursing license so after her & i talked about it we both thought that having her just sit around the house would not be so good & was probably not a good way for her to meet people in her new country. there are many small what i call "hobby businesses" down town. the owners get to brag to their rich city friends about owning a a small store up in new hampshire.
in reality almost none of them ever turn a profit.
however i bet my wife who speaks very good English could walk into one & score a sales girl job, after all who wouldn't hire the cute foreign chick? 
 
i was asking my mom who i tight with a buck what amount of cash i should give Marily as just "pocket money"each week.
she said she didn't really know so i said well at 1st she will not be driving so no need to buy weekly gas for the car & i through out $25 a week which would probably go up to $50 or $75 a week in time.
i also thought my wife mite like having a savings account in just her name. she can put as much or as little in it & it's hers alone.
 
 
pig   
 
 

[thekfc]

Pretty well so far. 

That is great to hear. 

  She is very eager to get a US driver's license but it has been a PITA. She went in to take the written test and they didn't think she had enough documentation about her current residence, so they told her they'd contact her to set up a further appointment. Eventually mailed a letter with a form she had to mail back to them to request an appointment and now waiting on them to send a letter to us giving an appointment time. Looks like we/she might have to go down to Olympia or Tacoma for an interview...pretty ridiculous. I would suggest to people that the first thing to do when she gets here is add her to the utility bills so you can get better proof of her residence. We had a similar problem with getting a joint checking account (taken care of a while ago).   

  This is what I did:
1. Took my wife to get her SS card - The documents we presented were her passport w/the visa & I-551 card.
2. After she receive the SS card we went to the DMV to get her a state ID  - we presented the SS card, I-551 card, her passport /visa and a VS credit card (she is an authorizer user on 2 of my cards thus she have one in her name).
Both the SS & State ID card came in just over a week.

now as far as the monthly allowance goes

When I give my wife an allowance, she would return it back to me or put it on the side - but that doesn't stop me from giving.
I told her that when I got my amended tax refund that I would give her some of it - which I did.
After the refund came, I took her to the bank and had her open an account in her name & I deposited a few hundred $ in there for her. She also applied for a CC from the same bank and was approved.  Her limit was higher that what they gave me when I applied a few years back. 


Once a week we do overnight work  where I work and she comes to help me and she does get paid - that money she deposit it into her account.

[Jeff S]

Can I make a suggestion that might get plenty of guffaws from the peanut gallery...


How about you let HER decide how much pocket money she gets rather than you and your mom deciding. If you're planning on making her a life partner, then make her a life partner. She might - no check that - almost assuredly will surprise her with her decision making skills all on her own. If not, you have other, bigger problems than a few extra bucks spent on coffee and bus fare.

[piglett]

Hey Jim! 


I’ve given you shiite many times because you are ALWAYS talking about money.  A USED mattress?? That is is a terrible idea, man.  Maybe for you or for me the used mattress would be fine, but not for a woman that is potentially going to be your young new wife.   A used mattress will not set right with most women, you gotta make them feel a little more special then that.  Generally speaking, you could give her X amount of cash each month and let her spend it however she likes.  She will have to budget but she is free to make choices without your input.


Now regarding all the disagreements you are having.  I do think you should consider NOT marrying her if you think that you two are not compatible and that may be the case in this situation.  Maybe she is really difficult and that might be something you just don’t want to contend with for a period of years/decades.  There are some

I'm not sure how i missed this post but dam dude you officially win the cheep skate of the year award!!!!!
 you are a lawyer & i deliver pizza at night & even the tight old pigster would not go with a used mattress!!! but in all fairness we may put our value in different places. you were talking about buying a new car not long ago, i have a $1200 corolla but a $1700 temperpedic bed that i just love. I know i can fix anything that goes wrong on a car but not if i can't get a quality nights sleep.
but still ....dam dude you are cheep   
 
pig
 
 

[piglett]

Can I make a suggestion that might get plenty of guffaws from the peanut gallery...


How about you let HER decide how much pocket money she gets rather than you and your mom deciding. If you're planning on making her a life partner, then make her a life partner. She might - no check that - almost assuredly will surprise her with her decision making skills all on her own. If not, you have other, bigger problems than a few extra bucks spent on coffee and bus fare.

oooh hold on , i was only asking what my mother thoughts about the subject. I have also asked others that i respect the same question. at this point i haven't had a single person give me a #
so i just threw out the $25 figure to start with. trust me i only see my mom a couple of times a year & i haven't lived under her roof for 22  years. I am a grown man & i make my own decisions , i was only seeking input from others around me including my mom.
 
marily is a huge tightwad so i know whatever money she has she will horde so if i started handing her a pile of cash each week she would only spend a little & then only as she saw fit.
 
 
pig

[thekfc]

I'm not sure how i missed this post but dam dude you officially win the cheep skate of the year award!!!!!
 you are a lawyer & i deliver pizza at night & even the tight old pigster would not go with a used mattress!!! but in all fairness we may put our value in different places. you were talking about buying a new car not long ago, i have a $1200 corolla but a $1700 temperpedic bed that i just love. I know i can fix anything that goes wrong on a car but not if i can't get a quality nights sleep.
but still ....dam dude you are cheep   
 
pig

Piggy, jm said that it was more his fiance's idea to look at/buy a used mattress but he ended up buying a new one.

Soon as she brought up the subject, he should have told her "there are a many thing you do not buy used and a mattress is one of them".

[Jeff S]

oooh hold on , i was only asking what my mother thoughts about the subject. I have also asked others that i respect the same question. at this point i haven't had a single person give me a #
so i just threw out the $25 figure to start with. trust me i only see my mom a couple of times a year & i haven't lived under her roof for 22  years. I am a grown man & i make my own decisions , i was only seeking input from others around me including my mom.
 
marily is a huge tightwad so i know whatever money she has she will horde so if i started handing her a pile of cash each week she would only spend a little & then only as she saw fit.
 
 
pig

That's good. She'll make you proud, I'm sure. Just making sure you keep your wife in on the decisions.

[robert angel]

I think-and this is a broad statement, but I'd venture to say that most new brides coming to the USA from Asia, (or just about anywhere) that they don't have that much of an idea of how much (as in EXPENSIVE) things are here. Not only that, but typically they don't get out a lot, as they won't be driving for a while yet and finding out too soon.
 
Your situation may vary--your fiance/bride might have a Saks fifth Avenue credit card already from back home and maybe there happens to be one just down the block from your place. We have a Dollar Store! So other than some lunch money for eats at Wolfgang Pucks, some Godiva Chocolates and if she can 'slum a little', Starbucks Coffee, she may be OK with less cash money than you might think.
 
But all foolishness aside, I think it's probably safe, and a good idea to actually simply ASK her, after you've maybe been to Walmart and Subway Sandwiche Shop, that you want her to 'feel comfortable' and not be left penny--pesoless, or yuanless--whatever the dinero might be. It makes you look quite gallant really, as you're not only showing trust in her fiscal judgement, but at the same time, you're 'empowering her'.
 
I think Jm's wife would REALLY appreciate that!
 
I bet 9 out of 10 women, a week or two from getting off the plane--(if they have close friends and family here, then it might be different) if asked how much money they need 'for whatevers' in their purse, pocket's etc., will give a figure much, much less than what you would've given her if you had to decide  by yourself.
 
WHATEVER you say, don't phrase it like this : "Honey--you should always have money in your purse--we call it 'MAD MONEY' here--how much do you think you'll need?
 
I just asked my wife  a day or so after she got here and I had to go off to work, leaving her alone at home, and being such a modest, thoughtful and frugal young lady, she gave me some ridiculously low figure--I don't recall exactly--maybe it was a penny. (we don't get out much) Anyway, as fate would have it, I had already picked up some sweet burgundy colored leather penny loafers for her at Goodwill (we call it the "GW Boutique" around our house) that amazingly were not only 'like new' for $3.49, but doubly amazingly--as they were her size 5 &1/2--finding the tiniest women's size is no small feat.--Then again--they actually ARE small feet!
 
But I decided to REALLY show her what a big spender I am and I doubled her request, getting two new, golden looking pennies and inserting one in each penny loafer, explaining that in the USA, that's a traditional sign of 'luckiness'!
 
Really, I think I stuck three $20's in her 'pocky' and back then just one $20 bill was was worth more than the largest denomination bill they print in the Philippines--1000 pesos--so I looked pretty good! And bet she still has 2 if those $20's stashed somewhere!
 
Really--JUST ASK her. chances are it'll  be a real small amount and I promise you it's best to start small, because I'll promise you again, that over time, the amount she needs will only get bigger and bigger, as she sees what household staples, clothes, incidentals and non incidentals cost here, before she finally realizes what's realistic and it finally levels off.
 
Hopefully by then, she'll be a VP at JP Morgan.....

[thekfc]

My wife was a bit surprise at the prices of items - both cheap & expensive. She have been doing comparison pricing - checking the prices of items & doing the conversion. Sometimes she would comment on how expensive something is & I would reply that is cheap for NYC, she would look at me like I am nuts.   


Sometimes I would see a "deal" online and I would show it to her and tell her that I would buy a few. I have been getting her involve & showing her "the ropes".


I showed her a few things to look for when she go to the supermarket alone - expiration dates, brand & ingredients ( she was already doing that). For perishable items like meat, fish, chicken - she is a much better shopper than me and can tell how long the meat products have been sitting on the shelve by just looking at them.   


Yep, some of the smaller size shoes are hard to come by. My wife is also a 5 1/2 and wear up to a 6 in some styles/fit and we have no problems finding size 6 in store but for 5 1/2 - we go the online route.


We have been shopping for stuff to send for x-mas and she wanted to get baby doll shoes for one of her niece in Pangasinan & the niece wear a size 4 in women's -  well if you can barely find size 5 or 5 1/2 in store imagine finding size 4. 
I did the shoe conversion sizing & will be going the children size route & will have plenty of options.   


In addition to the shoes, the only items still on our list are a bench grinder (for the older brother who takes care of the 2 family farms), a cellphone and chocolate. Maybe some more 6 packs of Spam from Amazon or BJ's.
Chocolate was the only "openly" requested item.


I have some store credit plus a few coupons  that will expire within a week (VS, Aeropostale, Disney, Cold Water Creek, Amazon) so I will be hitting the store/sites this weekend.   
I did TRU yesterday and got some backpacks w/free lunch kit.
 

[jm21-2]

We have a joint checking account now that we both use, which solved a lot of problems. Her debit card got here two weeks ago or so. Just do it and get it out of the way. My old personal checking account was linked up with some trust accounts so I had to get a new account started, which was a bit more of a hassle, but well worth it in the end. No more dealing with allowances or pocket money or anything like that.