New Member Here. Leaving For villavicencio colombia

[Zon]

Danny, Danny ...

Welcome aboard, and kudos for preparing yourself to DIVE IN - in a rather big way.

#1 you used the term midlife, and that is a possible red flag.  It is likely that you need to find your groove all over again. Don't be too dismissive on this point.  This takes a little time - ESPECIALLY, if you are willing and able to move and live in another country.  Essentially, the metrics by which you measured aspects of life changed.  Now, you are willing to exchange the metrics you know for the metrics you do not.  What are you going to to with a brand new ruler, dude?  Nobody really can answer this question until they experience it.

#2 one woman.  Hmmm   When I was at the beginning of whatever the hell I just went through (very likely one of the greatest mid-life crisises in the history of mankind lol )  It started with wanting to meet only ONE WOMEN too.  Well, 3 years later, and many, many women later ...  There is FINALLY a stable center in me. (Did you know that a LARGE percentage of men get married within only 36 months of divorce, and that over 65% of these marriages also end in divorce within 7 years?)

Having said that, I would not NECESSARILY avoid one special woman, if I where you.  It all depends on how you answer those personal questions.   It would be best to error on the side of "no emotional train-wrecks", however. That is something you are not doing.  The other extreme is to get caught up in endless dating, and there are many examples of that.  Finding the right balance is for you to decide

Besides that you are embarking on cultural transformation - It takes time, and will, be definition CHANGE YOU.   Give yourself time and room to grow - you are going to need it.

I completely understand what is fueling your decision making, the material of your original post.  But, just by living in Colombia, you are going to reverse the cause, or motivation of your behavior 100%.  This is opposite world in regards to being 40 - 50 in shape, attractive, and financially stable man and dating women.  Not EVERY woman is going to fall at your feet ... that is not true, or realistic.   It is hard to find good women - sincere, educated, from a good family, with no ulterior motives.  But, holding the current USA standard against Colombia - it is fricken laughable. 

So, get ready for a love / hate relationship - perhaps many of them.  Life is Change.  Living in Colombia greatly expands possibilities - BUT IT TAKES TIME.  Not all is roses. Give yourself a couple months with this one girl and see what happens.  Then, you can go to another city - Cali or Medellin.  And try that out for a while.  It's all good

[Tanuki]

AB,

No, I have no other profile names, just this one.

I am not being a hard case and the huevos comment was in fun an not ment in serious fashion what-so-ever.  If you or, anyone is taking that as me trying to be hard, I appologise for that. I will try to use the little smiley faces more to denote this. Maybe that will take the edge off how it looks on screen.

[Colgando]

The problem is one size fits all advice. It really depends on the guy's life situation what is advisable for him.

I have a friend at work who is just getting out of a bad long term relationship. Even though he is in his early 30s he doesn't have much experience with women. Would I tell this guy to meet just one woman that he had been corresponding with? Definitely not. The guy needs to go out with a lot of women and get some life experience before he settles down. A guy like him is likely to just go for the first attractive woman who is halfway decent to him.

I agree with the one size fits all advice problem, the age group I am looking in, 20 to 29, I have to cast my net over the whole field, these women are less stable and less mature in general. I think it is advisable for me to get to know many women in this age group to find the one for me, I believe she is out there somewhere. Looking in the 30+ age group should prove to be a little more stable and mature in general, lucky elders  

[Tanuki]

Tanuki -

You give you're valid view and thoughts on this thread,  as others,  BUT then you cloud the issue by getting a little huffy about others posts.  You do not NEED to "sell" YOU"RE posted opinion as being "more" valid.  Dan seems a smart guy and he can figure out what will work for him.  Maybe you can relax a little,  give you're two cents,  like the other guys did,  without the ego.

Mickey, you got me all wrong.  I didn't mean to get your e-panties in bunch. 

If I came across as a guy with a ego, I am sorry for that.  Believe me, I am truly far from that.

[Researcher]

I agree with the one size fits all advice problem, the age group I am looking in, 20 to 29, I have to cast my net over the whole field, these women are less stable and less mature in general. I think it is advisable for me to get to know many women in this age group to find the one for me, I believe she is out there somewhere. Looking in the 30+ age group should prove to be a little more stable and mature in general, lucky elders  

                     Whatever way you choose you still need to use common sense. There is nothing wrong with seeing only one woman as long as you don't rush into anything.It isn't the way I would go about it but to each his own. I probably will continue to criticize the one hit wonders. With as many guys that say Colombianas are flaky, easy liars the
 "pick one and done method " doesn't make sense.

      Researcher

[dtibbet]

All of you guys rock!!! that's why i stay reading all the forums and joined this site, better than anything  on the net or books or videos I've purchased on the subject. All of you have your own beliefs and opinions,  and that is your reality! That's very Important, and its all good.  That's what I love about this !!! I will take with me a little bit from everyone here. It will help me and I thank all of you. I'm so excited, The adventure cant come fast enough for me.


ZON, thank you sir, awesome info! heheh I went thru the midlife years ago. being a pro model photog, I now know women better now than I have ever in my life. You could not even Imagine:) I lived a mans dream. let me tell you lol.  I'm over all of that. Just want one good women and be happy. I deserve it, as well as all you gentleman do!!!! You guys rock!!!!

[Zon]

"You could not even Imagine:)"  wanna make a bet ... LOL

cool man, best of luck.   BTW, the key with learning Spanish is to dump a ton of time and effort in to hard memory - vocabulary, conjugations, phrases.  They do not make complete sense at first.  Then, PRACTICE training your ear and speaking.  It is not hard to just "get by".   It takes work and MUCH PRACTICE to speak well.

[Researcher]

I agree with the one size fits all advice problem, the age group I am looking in, 20 to 29, I have to cast my net over the whole field, these women are less stable and less mature in general. I think it is advisable for me to get to know many women in this age group to find the one for me, I believe she is out there somewhere. Looking in the 30+ age group should prove to be a little more stable and mature in general, lucky elders  

        I disagree Colgando. Just read the archives and see how many guys complain about Colombianas being flakes and they come in all age ranges.Its not "one size fits all" advice so much as common sense. Getting on the internet and spending virtual time with a Colombiana is pretty much a waste of time, past a certain point. According to this forum these women are notorious liars so if you can't verify what they are saying in person then you can't believe what they tell you. So, when it comes to Colombia the "one size fits all advice" is really just common sense. There are good women there but you are better off looking in person and you will probably need to meet many before you find that gem.There is a reason guys say "its not like picking out a puppy". The "pick one and done method" is a recipe for disaster for most guys. Sure, some have had success that way but not without some experience there in Colombia first. Others have just gotten lucky, bottom line.

         "One size fits all" advice? Nah, its common sense. Any guy that goes to Colombia looking for a wife and throws caution to the wind is relying on pure luck and is a darn fool.


        Researcher  

[Alabamaboy!]

My experience was that the older women were no better or worse than the younger ones when it came to lying or flaky behavior. And usually they had more "baggage". Many times they seemed more jaded due to past failed relationships and fed up with the world and I sensed that they were looking for a way out. The younger gals seemed to be more positive in general, had more energy, and were not as desperate to get out. (I think because they do not know enough about the world yet to realize how dismal their prospects are to have things that we take for granted such as their own home, car or loving spouse).

At first I was looking at the older women, then after seeing this trend mentioned above I figured I might as well get a younger lady, because there really was not much difference in the downside risk and the younger women were equally attracted to me as the older ones.

[dennislevy]

What almost all you call flaky behavior in Colombian women is just another culture. Confrontation is avoided in Colombia, the word NO is used sparingly and so signals are sent, some are very obvious.

The woman who doesn t show up for a date when she agreed to it...is sending you AN OBVIOUS SIGNAL.

There are ways to qualify a woman to make sure you ve got a definite date and until you ve got a sense of the girl, it always makes sense to meet somewhere closer to where you are.....

But, let me give you an idea of how easy it is to have a misunderstnading in this culture...and I speak very good Spanish. I ve spent three days with a lovely widow in this small town of Ayapel. i was originally scheduled to leave today and she was going to come and pick me up and say goodbye to me at the bus terminal. We ve spent all of three days and nights together.....with terrific chemistry.

I decided to surprise her and when she came, i said I ll stay another day because I want to be with you and I hope you feel the same.

And she said...look the agreeement between us was for three days and we would see each other in 3 more weeks. Its not that I don t want to see you but i cant. I have committments.

And I was visibly disappointed..

Finally after some digging, she told me that her 28 year old son had come home for a couple of days, he lives and works in Baranquilla. And she hadnt told him that she she wanted to change her widow state of mind. It s his home of course, so I  couldn t be with her and she couldnt disappear for the night at the hotel.

And if she had told me up front...look, I  would  love to BUT my son is here...I would have immediately understood. And that s what I mean, what we might describe as flaky behavior is because a woman has different things going on in her life....and presents different images to different people.
 



  

[Alabamaboy!]

I think the term flaky is a catch all phrase. It is a short hand method of saying everything that you just said in your long couple paragraphs. It is only flaky to us, and maybe it is acceptable in Colombia. But if the woman is going to be living in the US and has a gringo husband, I think she needs to assimilate so as to not appear "flaky" to the guy or the community in which she will be living.

Likewise, if we are going to be living in their city or community, we need to assimilate as well. If we are shy to dance or always early to appointments and worrying about every little thing , they may call us something that is similar to "flaky". And those behaviors are not really out of place in the US, but are in Barranquilla for example.

The point at which these cultural differences can become very troublesome is when one person is going to be moving to the other person's world, and is not really going along with the program to assimilate a little bit. And that sort of thing is not going to happen real fast with most people.

But this "flakiness" seems to be very regional, because the Paisas seemed to be very organized, business oriented, punctual, and thoughtful as a rule. And even though my wife is very nice and is Costena...and many guys here have found nice Costenas as wives...I would not say those things are the "rule" for Costenos in general.

[Researcher]

                                       True AB, it is also to their advantage to learn English!


                                                


     Researcher

[dennislevy]

These things are troublesome from the get go....in Colombia. I ve often compared the process of a colombian woman and a foreign man trying to date.....and who dont speak a language in common and don t understad the other s culture...as two blind people in a dark room.

I always ask women why they are interested in me....and they reply...pues...Ud habla  muy bien el español. Well you speak very good Spanish.

Understanding and speaking the language is the first key to understanding the culture, you can ask better questions about what you see.

Yes, i ll agree that a Colombian woman who comes to the US as a wife or novia should assimilate somewhat, BUT...the foundation of the relationship is laid (jejejeje), i should say built in Colombia!

And if a man comes to Colombia with the mindset of

SHE has to adapt to ME, if she wants to live in MY country,

he may be frustrated in his search or he ends up with the proverbial gold digger, green card shark that is the worst nightmare of an American man.  

[Alabamaboy!]

Dennis, why would I end up with a gold digger if I expect my girl to assimilate a bit to life in the US? I do assimilate to Colombia when I am there. And for sure if I am living there and caring for my wife's children if she had any, I would do my best to fit in with the culture as much as I could possibly do. That is just thoughtful, polite, and practical.

And it is not MY country....the US....it is THE country in which we will be living. So I have to play by the rules to be successful and so does everyone else. Same thing goes if I am going to live in Colombia. It is not that it is HER country, it is THE country of Colombia and if you do not speak Spanish or adapt to things there you are not going to have much success, fun, or friends.

I feel if the person is not going to make an effort to assimilate, why even get involved with a partner from another country? It will only limit your success and cause problems with your partner's life.

I am not saying we should completely change who we are, but there should be some effort. If the effort is not there, then the guy or woman is considered to be "flaky", among other things, in my book. 

[utopiacowboy]

When you look at Colombians in the US how many of them actually learn English? And in spite of everything my wife passed her citizenship test. The guy wanted to flunk her but she made him talk slowly so she could understand him and passed the test. There is something wrong if she can pass the test although I must admit she studied and knew the answers to the questions.

[Micky]

DL -

I think that you are being less than evenhanded in you're retort to AB.  On one hand you say the man coming should speak the language,  it is the first key to understanding the culture.  On the other hand you say the women should be able to assimilate,  somewhat.

May I say that one could,  and can,  study and learn different cultures without speaking a word of a given cultures language.  Therefore,  I would say that speaking the language is not the first key.  Speaking the language may increase the richness of the understanding and learning.

If is the case,  that the women would be moving to the man's country,  I think it a tad more important that she be able to assimilate,  for sure.

You're statement about a man that says,  (I paraphrase) ' She has to adapt to ME... and to my country'

I am thinking that you are really referring to one of "those" penis head kind of guys who is the center of the universe.  At that,  I am on board.

Love - Micky

[Researcher]

    Knowing the language isn't necessary to learn the culture.It does help in meeting and getting to know that babes.

    Anyone that moves to the US and doesn't learn English is only hurting themselves.My wife has studied hard and learned alot.She can function well here.While there are pockets where a person can get by without English it's difficult to get by in the US as a whole.I've met several Colombians here and they all speak English well.

      Researcher

[dennislevy]

Micky
You know me well enough to know how I think!

of course when I gave the example of the man who says she has to adapt to ME if she wants to live in MY country, i was referring to the proverbial gringo dickhead of which, unfortunately there are too many

AB and Researcher at all.
Frankly, I don t think its an even Steven process, i think the man bears more responsibilty then the woman...and I say that about an a gringo and a COLOMBIAN woman in the US or an English speaking country, with the exceptions of Miami, LA, Jackson Hts in New York City, etc.  

i think if he learns to speak good Spanish and she can talk to him in HER language, ity maybe easier to avoid some of the usual mis communications and cultural misunderstnading that gut relationships and marriages between colombianas and gringos.

I ve been here three years and as my Spanish gets better and better. I know more and more why my relationships have terminated...and if I screwed up......or it just wasnt a good fit.

I know nothing very specific about women from other cultures.

My mom was French, lived in the US for 46 years, had a great career, paid taxes,owned two homes, etc. but never totally assimilated. She spoke English (of course with an accent) but better then most Americans, but she refused to become a citizen.....  

With respect to language...yes you can observe and know something about a foreign culture, but to truly understand and comprehend its intracies, with respect, i think you ve got to have a good to excellent command of the language, and  especially so if you live in the foreign country.

Yo creo que muchos gringos que no se hablan muy bien el español y se vvien en Colombia....ellos se viven en jaulas oras. Por supuesto eso es unicamente mi opinion personal.

I believe that many grngos who dont speak very good Spanish and live in Colombia...they live in golden cages. And its only my personal opinion.

And Micky dont come after me too hard!!!!!....I ve heard you quote speak unquote Spanish but YOU live much closer to the culture then the guys who sit every day in Parque Lleras

UC
Kudos to your wife!!!!!!!!!! She understood the examiner, she studied, made the effort......she knew the answers..why she should she not have received her citizenship?.
  
Cuidase!

Dennis
  

[ignorante]

ellos se viven en jaulas oras.

  Beginner Spanish question here.  Wouldn't this be jaulas de oro?  My Spanish is terrible, so I was trying to figure out what you wrote, as I always do when I see or hear Spanish, and I kept thinking it was they are living in, demanding, or praying for (oras = you pray) cages.

It is a serious question - I am trying to learn.  Is jaulas oras the proper way to say golden cages?

[dennislevy]

Iggy
adjectives agree with nouns, singular or plural There are very few exceptions...... and adjectives are after the noun and the ending wil change depending on the gender of the noun.

Its not eyes of blue, pero ojos azules......eyes blues
A beautiful woman.............................. una mujer hermosa
golden cages......................................jaulas oras                 (I am pretty sure)

Lets get back on topic.                         

[Researcher]

AB and researcher at all.
I don t think its an even Steven process, i think the man bears more responsibilty then the woman...and I say that about an a gringo and a COLOMBIAN woman in the US or an English speaking country, with the exceptions of Miami, LA, Jackson Hts in New York City, etc.  .


Dennis
 

      I can tell you firsthand that both people involved have responsibilities.Both have to be able to "step up" and do their parts.I found the English classes for my wife but she had to study and do all the work learning.I helped some but not as much as I thought I would need to.She has been very responsible and motivated to learn.Without that she would still be speaking her own language.She made my part easy so from my experience my wife took on more responsibility and made it easy for me.


       Researcher

[dennislevy]

Yes Researcher, and your wife is exceptional.....because she stepped up.


And before we get the Well my wife...did  the same. from other guys let me make the point that the Colombian women who made successful, lasting  marriages to American men in the US are exceptional women who are able to adapt

I don t have first hand experience in being  married to a Colombian woman in the US, but I ve talked with quite a few American men whose 90 day novias lasted less then 90 days or whose marriages didnt work.

And I think...and its only my opinion that many times the American man expected the Colomnbian woman to accept or take on more responsibilites then she wanted to take on....at that point in their realtionship, Or she wasnt going to change.

Let me give two examples , I know one man personally and I ve talked with the other..... and I ve got juuuuust a few more.

60 year old American man brings beautiful 34 year old paisa to a Philadelphia suburb. he is a lawyer works out of his home. Sex was lights out, she kept the house clean and cooked like a champ. but she spent almost all day chatting with friends in Spanish. He wanted her to hit Rosetta Stone English every day for three hours and he got pushy. She ignored his pushiness and he sent her home after 10 weeks.

I later talked to this woman in Bogota and her take was that he was a hyper vigilant cheap bastard who would nt pay and send her to proper English lessons.

55 year old American man from the Carolinas brings a very attractive rola 37, for the fancee visa. 9 year old son stays with grandma in Bogota pending what happens .  They have the discussion about finances, he wants her to work after the marrage and she s legal, etc.

She says oh yes, I want to work but everything I earn is for me and my son. He says hey,you re my wife, we ll share the bills, and I ll pay the mortage because its MY house.  She says I thought you had more money....and that s not the way we do it in Colombia, you re completely responsible for us, I m responsible for my son......he says you r e not in Colombia, and she says no...not yet,,,i want to go back....and she did.....

That fandango lasted seven weeks.

Im sure there were other reasons...but I ll also add that neither man spoke much or good Spanish

And these two strories are two reasons why I was so  specific in my response to the poster who started the Are you a Ticket thread.    
    

[Researcher]

   C'mon Dennis, you know the REAL problem was that they met on the internet,didn't date other people beforehand and didn't spend much time together...hehehe..just kidding. Although the not spending much time together could have been part of the problem. But I see your point. As the man whose wife moved here I can see that these guys probably did expect the women to take on alot. I have said before that I wanted my wife to go to a class with others that were learning English. It was the beginning of her social life here and paid off. She made contacts for sewing jobs, the job she has now, leads on free English classes and friends for both of us. My advantage was that I had lived in another country before and knew what it was like.


   Researcher

[jm21-2]

If you go there and are already deep enough in it that she is helping you with an apartment and spanish teacher....you are building expectations for both of you. If things don't work out you are going to (or at least I would) feel like a total dick for walking away after she did so much to help you, which will pressure you into staying. I think you can potentially get better results with the one woman method, but I would probably limit my first trip to 10 days or so, or at least tell her you are. If things don't work out, "I have to get back to Bogota to catch my flight out of here, sorry things didn't work out..." If things do work out, "wow, things are going great, I'm going to change my departure date and stay here a while longer!" Same goes for meeting her family early on...more pressure on you.

[michaelb]

Iggy
adjectives agree with nouns, singular or plural There are very few exceptions...... and adjectives are after the noun and the ending wil change depending on the gender of the noun.

Its not eyes of blue, pero ojos azules......eyes blues
A beautiful woman.............................. una mujer hermosa
golden cages......................................jaulas oras                 (I am pretty sure)

Lets get back on topic.                        

But in this context, "gold" is not a color, it is a metal. The cages are made of gold, so probably "jualas de oro" would be better, maybe even "jualas doradas" (But even a golden cage is none the less still a cage). Your other two examples are correct. Just to be nit-picky , back in the message that Ignorante is asking about, you don't want the "se" before "hablan". I'm going to give you a 99% and say that your Spanish is miles ahead of that of most other gringos, I can definitely believe that you don't have any problems communicating down there. It looks like you understand a lot about the culture also. Just to be fair, if some native speaker wants to come along and say "No, Michael, when you tried to correct him you were wrong because.......", well then, I'll take my lumps.